Monday, August 24, 2009

Then and Now

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back?"

Do you have any idea how a person can change? I'm beginning to see. Within the last couple of years, I've become nearly another person, I feel. However beyond that I've thought how differently my life could be now. If my surroundings and people in my life hadn't changed, it is very strange and surreal to think of where I would be now.

As some know, I was born in Dallas, Texas and lived in Canton until I was nearly four. We had owned a house on five acres of undeveloped land and our closest neighbors, who weren't that close, we're farmers of some sorts. On the weekends I would wake up to the sound of my dad on our property using the chain saw to cut fire wood. We had two pet rabbits we bought from our farmer friend who usually sold them for other purposes than pets. : ( But on the weekends we would take carrots and apples to his donkey, Poncho! My dad would mow the lawn on a tractor and I would ride with him. We have a picture of the two of us, he in his overalls and cap and I in my "matching" purple overalls and train conductor cap. I loved going out with him. A big goal in mowing besides cutting the grass was to chase down and run over snakes... *gagging*. Because we lived near a lake, they were prevalent. Besides snakes, scorpions were a big problem too. My parents tell of a time I was just a baby, only crawling and a scorpion had snuck in the house and found it's was into my vicinity. My new curiosity compelled me to investigate. Just as I was reaching and nearly about to grab it, my mom saw and snatched me up. My favorite story though was this: my parents told me, no lie, that they were considering for my birthday to buy a pony. We had the space definitely.

Thinking about this lately, in a slightly joking manner, but with a touch of reality, it occurred to me what kind of person I could be now. Yes, working off some stereotypes, remember though this was a joke, I theorized who I would be. After living out in the consummated country with little contact, surely a thick accent, farming our vegetable garden, taking care of my own pony, probably going to the local public high school, (imagine what an experience that would have been) my family situation was very different then so I'm pretty sure had I stayed there my whole life I would have been desperate to get out of the house, I concluded that I would have married my high school sweet heart and now nearly 21 I would probably be on my second child.

I was very out-going and a ham as a child, though like today, I preferred adults' company. Doubtful I would have danced, I probably would have been a cheerleader and I bet you any money my guy would have been a football player! HAHAHAHAHA! Actually for that part of the world, it might have been the 4H champ. *Hysteria* Please ask if you don't know what that is. So for you all who know me, isn't that the craziest thought? I mean to look at what I am today or at least who I was in high school. In middle school, I was slightly awkward, though who isn't at that age, trying to find my place in the social circle. As time went on, I became more and more of a loner pretty much. By high school, I made an awkward fit into the brainy group. I tried sports and just didn't fit there. And the popular kids were just too popular for me. I got used to my status as a wallflower. "I'm invisible and I'm good at it." That was totally me. In all my circles, besides my closest friends, I was known for being deathly quiet. A complete change from what I was as a child. I became analytical, a thinker, thinking so deeply, sometimes I wonder if to my own harm. I found my place and comfort in dance. That eventually would become my solace and circle of friends and people who knew me best.

Now that has changed also... "it's a funny ol' world in' it?" : )
i think this pic sums it up pretty well...

Saturday, August 15, 2009

He first loved us.

How do I begin to explain all that has passed in and out of my heart and life? So much has happened and I feel more liberated than I ever have! I believe what I am experiencing is a freedom in Christ that has finally come after years of much struggle, millions of tears, and the worst heartache I could imagine. But in exposure to what I thought I wanted, the revelation of my secret heart's thoughts came. In allowing myself something I never thought would be permitted like this, I've found peace and my joy again. God is growing me up... by giving me more freedom. It feels so weird. I guess... do I dare wonder is it because I have endured long enough He granted me this? I still have so much to learn, but He loosed the corset strings just a little and this deeper inhale is unbelievable.

I can rest in Him again. My desire is ever more clear and present YET I love Him so much I know whatever the outcome it will be ok. Growing up in Him is the most fulfilling experience. How can anyone live apart from Him?