reflecting reflections

2011-12-29T16:34:00.003-05:00

i came here with a very, very different purpose in writing... haha but God wouldn't allow that. i'll still be honest. i'm learning the art of being able to be honest and not paste on the "everything's perfect smile" but still be content in my God's plan and love.

so being honest: i am sick. not deathly but enough to keep my down and that makes me feel stir crazy. moreover, it makes me miss ben like there's no tomorrow. it makes the 7,000 miles between us feel like 700,000. i just want him to be around so that way i can fully rest. i'm never at as much peace anywhere else as when i'm with him. then not only do i miss him because i'm sick and i just want him around, but his today my tomorrow is our one year anniversary of being engaged... never intended on being able to mark an engagement anniversary but... we have. and he's not around for it. not only is he not around for it but he'll probably be at a coworkers birthday party that happens to fall on the same day... if he was home he'd be with me. i'm so weary of this stage. of feeling like i have to fight for first place in his life.

so i came to this place to vent my hurt and tiredness of this time in my life but before i did i read my two closest friends latest writings. and it reminded me of how much reason i have to rejoice... honestly even if i can't think of a reason because my emotions have clouded my mind. but i know it exists. it exists because He exists. a most precious woman once told me, "you can always find your sense of home. it doesn't depend on where you are or if you're with Ben. you'll have Jesus, so you can be home anywhere." i thought i'd not have to implement this until i move over to japan or someplace new. but more and more as this place does not feel like my home as my heart intertwines itself with my future husband i see now i must start now. Jesus first becomes ever more real to me. As much as i long to be with the man God has given to me (well soon) I must first and foremost bind my heart to my heavenly Savior. How beautifully agonizing the christian walk is. it is not for the faint of heart.

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Do I really need a healer?

2011-11-13T00:51:00.001-05:00

I look at myself and realize, I am hurt and bleeding, in need of healing. And I think, what did I do wrong Lord?... wait a minute. Something doesn’t seem right with that question. I realize that is my natural reaction to seeing my need for a healer, which I’ve needed o so much lately. But there is something terribly wrong with that question. It means I expect that I should never be hurt. That if I experience pain I have done something wrong and I have to be punished. Any maybe I did do something wrong, but my pain is not the result of a vindictive God’s sadistic pleasure being carried out on me. God forgive me for even coming close to thinking that way.

I live in a world of sin; from the moment I drew breath I should have expected to be hurt and in need of a healer. If I didn’t need healing, I wouldn’t need a healer, I wouldn’t need God. And if I didn’t need God I’d be God. That answer I know.

As I thought about it more I realized: what would a person look like who never had been hurt at all? What would I look like if I never was hurt? A person I don’t want to be! I would be soft and live in a fantasy and never ever ever be able to minister at all, because those who need to be ministered to are… you know it – HURT!

2 Cor. 1:
“3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 6 But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; 7 and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.”

God’s smarter than me and already said it. We are hurt so we can be comforted and then how we learned from our own comforting directly from God, we can pass that along to others. So I need to lay down my pride, which is all it is when I don’t want to be hurt. It’s pride because it’s saying, “God I don’t need you to come in a fix me, I’m fine.” “God, I don’t want to admit I need help.” “God I don’t trust that you can truly carry away all my pain. Can’t you just let me avoid it instead?” “God I don’t want to have to learn any lessons from this pain and I certainly don’t want to share it with others.” “God, I don’t want what you want for me.”
May this never be my response. I know I will have it again and I will have to confess again but I will press toward that higher goal and reach for the UPWARD call of Christ Jesus, MY Lord and SAVIOR.

On Veteran's Day, I fell in love

2011-11-12T19:45:00.002-05:00

Aug. 2010, We drove to Tampa, his mom, sister and I to see him off at the MEPS station. I still have the visitor sticker in my bible… I’m never getting rid of that bible. He had left the night before and had gotten there earlier. We found him and then for hours sat without saying much… what was there to say? Him and I did steal a few minutes to speak about our mutual feeling that a lot was about to happen. But bootcamp we knew was to be our test. From day one of our dating we lived in a countdown until the 6 months of “regular” dating we could have would be up and then 3 months of separation would be the making or breaking of us. It was cause for many tearful nights. But that day had finally arrived when the next countdown began. We sat there knowing the storm was brewing and we didn’t know if it would dash our ship onto the rocks or push our boat to shore. But some good things had happened with the advent of his leaving… we had hope. We clung to it. I watched that Benjamin, who in retrospect seems like such a young boy, be sworn in as a defender of this nation and its constitution. We both were so young. We sat again, in more silence. It seemed all we could do was stare straight ahead but squeeze the other’s hand, clinging to that last bit of time before he was taken from me. He finally had to go. And he left with a brave smile on his face.

Sept.-Nov. 2010, Many tear stained letters and some letters that could have been novelettes were sent back and forth. We did our best to share our lives with the other though we were over 300 miles apart. The letters I received showed a different person than the one I started dating. But he was different not in how I feared and had been warned the military can “warp” men. He was honest, and honorable; hardworking and always faithful. He was listening to those perversely blessed DI’s. Honor, Courage, and Commitment was their creed and “Semper Fidelis” (Always Faithful) was their motto. They were shaping the man I had left on hold, the man I might have waiting for me at the end of 3 months to start a life with after that… His letters were filled with stories that made my heart soar with pride in the man he was becoming, never giving up and sharing his faith even in that hell hole. I began to wonder, could it be possible? He will be even better than the man I left in Tampa? Could this possibly be the man I could give my life to forever? More scary confirmations came. Once a Sunday morning sermon convicted and showed me areas of my life that needed work. And what happened, Benjamin’s next letter came and he always included a scripture that had impacted him that week he wrote to me. That week’s scripture… you have no idea how accurately it spoke to my situation. I was not the only one to think it more than uncanny. Then I got my last letter before… I saw him again.

Nov. 10th, We road tripped up to Parris Island. No one had even been as excited to travel somewhere as I was on that trip. Nothing could touch me. I was going to meet the physical representation of the man I had come to know in these amazing love letters. I came to give an answer to the question asked many times in those letters, “will you marry me?” But I had to see, was this man real or only on paper? He told me that very thing when I heard his beautiful voice for the first time in 3 months, the Sunday before we came to see him. “I’m real Wesley. I’m not just that man on paper. All I’ve written to you is true. And I have a few things I need to ask you when I see you…” We arrived the night of the 10th, the Marine Corps Birthday. The next day we would be reunited with him at Family Day. I would see him on…

Nov. 11th. I barely slept and awoke with ease. No matter how little I slept, I was going to meet this mysteriously perfect man who claimed he was not fiction. I got ready, wanting to look perfect. And we left before the sun rose. It was cool, perfect weather. It had a sparkle, if it’s possible for air to have such. We had a 20 minute drive ahead of us. I took in all the sights out the window, eating it all up knowing it got me that much closer to him. We made our way from the car to meet the boys who had gotten there much earlier to see the colors ceremony and get every detail of the new Marines getting ready for their Motivational Run, where we could catch a glimpse of our Marine… our Marine. As we shivered in waiting, we strained out eyes searching for ours in the sea of green sweatshirts and shaven heads. They all looked the same but I knew that was far from true. There was one whose heart beat for me and I would find him. And it began; their cadences rumbled the ground in unison with the drumming of their feet on the pavement. My spirit sailed in the strength of their cries. I felt at home hearing their chanting. It was the cry of warriors, of a warrior… my warrior. And then that form I had not seen in 3 months ran right past all of us. His family jumped for joy and yelled his name. I could only stand in dumbfounded amazement… he exists. He was there. He is real. Then we had to wait for two more hours. But I didn’t mind. I had seen him. And in just two hours I would actually be able to see him face to face, speak with him, hear him, feel him. We were directed to a building. On our way we passed much of their training apparatus, buildings he had been in, lived in these months. I felt I was a in a story book. That day had a magic of its own. I was on cloud nine; not even these words can express how it felt. But it felt too real and wonderful to be true. And I passed those hours basking in the glow of the glorious sun that warmed my face almost as much as my heart was warming me internally. Finally we were moved into to arena where we would see him again and be able to have him at long last. It was a huge stadium seating arena. The masses of people were indescribable. We found our seats and sat tensely. And then the ceremony began. They played clips of the boys in training and we heard heart wrenching songs that moved our now military hearts. As we fought back tears, slowly they entered. And in all the prestige the military, nay the Marines can muster, in came our boys marching in perfect unison. Every movement was as a unit. They were one. As we searched the crowd to now find a uniformed man I could barely contain my emotions, a new sensation for a very stoic girl previously. A voice boomed over the speakers, they were released to their families… to us. Suddenly the sea of heads became a stampede of people bee lining for their Marine. I was stunned. My tears stopped. The world started to slow and my vision became zeroed in on one target: a tall, slender man standing very quietly, his eyes softly searching the crowd but not far enough to see what he was looking for. He looked away after a minute of his failed conquest and I desperately wished I knew what he was thinking now. He was such a somber figure. Is this who I was looking for; this calm and contained person? Humbleness poured from his serene figure. I had to move. The boys were faster than I pushing their way through the crowd. I was too in shock to push. I only quietly and courteously made my way past people. I wanted to will myself to shout, “MOVE!” I looked up through the few people left in my way and saw Peter hug his brother... It must be him. I saw his old smile break across his face as his friend embraced him. His baby brother was just behind him. I had to focus back on getting through this crowd. My heart was screaming, “Please, I miss my Marine too! Let me go.” It’s as if they heard me. Just as miraculous as the Red Sea, the mass of people parted and in my peripheral vision I saw the people I knew. I felt as if all eyes turned to me. But I only saw one face… quiet and older but ever so assuring, gentle and loving. I looked closer… into those beautiful blue eyes. Benjamin. The last thing I remember when I was still on my own two feet was uncontrollably taking one step toward him. The next thing I knew, somehow, I was in his arms. My feet wrapped behind his back and my tears stained his uniform. All I heard was his voice, “Shh, it’s ok. I’m real. It’s ok. I’m here.” This can’t be real can it?! He is real?! I had to step down back into reality, literally, but only for a second. I slowly came to grips with how marvelous my reality was that day as we walked in a crowd. I hung back, partially not wanting to demand his attention and partly still in disbelief. He continually would come back and get me. “There you are, I wanna talk with you” he’d say and take my arm and wrap it around the crook of him bent forearm. We delighted in the privilege of whispering and giggling again as we caught each other up on funny little stories. He squeezed my hand at the lunch table. His hand or eye was never far at any point that day… He was real. This man straight from a dream, from love letters was living and breathing and in love with me… and I knew from the moment I saw his eyes for that first time again… I was in love too. He said on the night he proposed to me almost two months later, “We fell in love through these letter”. And he was right, he stole my heart there. On November 11th I knew I could give it away. On Veteran’s Day one year ago… I fell in love.

2011-11-05T11:13:00.002-04:00

Along the Hwang Ho Valley where young men walk and dream,

A flower boat with singing girls came drifting down the stream.

I saw the face of only one come drifting down the stream.

You are beautiful, small and shy.

You are the girl whose eyes met mine

Just as your boat sailed by.

This I know of you, nothing more,

You are the girl whose eyes met mine

Passing the river shore.

You are the girl whose laugh I heard

Silver and soft and bright;

Soft as the fall of lotus leaves

Brushing the air of night.

While your flower boat sailed away,

Gently your eyes looked back on mine,

Clearly you heard me say,'You are the girl I will love some day.'

makes all the difference

2011-11-02T01:05:00.002-04:00

And I remember that fight

Two-thirty AM

As everything was slipping right out of our hands

I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the "Goodbye"‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known

Then you took me by surprise

You said, "I’ll never leave you alone."

You said, "I remember how we felt sitting by the water

And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time

I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter

She is the best thing that’s ever been mine.

Having a man who will hang on no matter what, tell you "just take me hand and I'll do the rest"; that makes all the difference in the world...

2011-09-08T23:58:00.005-04:00

I have no cutesy plan or inspired revelation to share right now, just a mish-mash of emotion I want to vomit onto the screen. I feel like a bi-polar personality whose manic and depressive stages come in bursts of seconds. Or they somehow exist simultaneously. I don't even know. I just know my brain is astir and can 't rest until I throw up something on this bleach white screen.

I went through a stage for about a month where I was on a mountaintop. Everything felt right and great. Nothing dimmed my view, even hardships. Now here is the valley. Yet, I have been through so many valleys much darker than this one that this seems only like a road-side ditch. I think that's the reason it doesn't seem so bad. God has prepared my heart for valleys so as a song says "the valley's lookin small when I'm with you/ don't land us til I see a clear view". I know I'm on His back and that's why it's not as dark and deep. He's got tall shoulders. He's walking in the valley with me. And the valley is partially by my own sin... how great and gracious a Father we have who will carry us through the consequences of our own sin.

That was a manic spurt. Sound too clean and neat? Yea, well here comes a bitterly honest depressive wave: the idea was presented recently to me that I don't share enough of my woes. People don't know what's going on in my life. They chided me for it. And perhaps they're right. But one, at the time that was my mountaintop stage. Two, now not at that stage, I don't even know how to begin explaining it in terms anyone can understand unless they have experienced it themselves... I feel a part of me has- well not died, it will come back, gone to sleep? No, too sweet. Yes, it has died. I promised to be honest. Part of me is dead, only I have a promise of it coming to life again. Forgive my cryptic style. I'm so used to not sharing personal information readily. I'm talking about the man I'm promised to. He's gone. And has been gone for too long. It's hard. That statement is an assinine replacement for what I actually feel but again this type of thing can't be explained unless it's experienced. Sadly I am alone in this (in the flesh, I know God can sympathize with all my weaknesses hallelujah Heb. 4:15). Only two people come close to being able to relate, one of them is the other half of me, my love and life, the man I will marry and my heart is already so bound to.

You can't even fathom how agonizing it is. Day in and day out living life apart. I was reminded by a dear friend, which is why I bear them no ill will, that he will now have a part of him that won't ever come back. That made it evident to me that this is a part that I will not have of him. Not that he will keep it from me. Just how could he explain something so foreign to me, so different from where I am right now? This does not mean I bemoan my choice, which people cautioned me about when I first chose to be here. Another friend, bless them, was almost upset at him for wooing me because they knew this day would probably come. I know they only thought of me and my welfare. They saw in me what I think most people see, this apparent weakness of mine. And yes I am weak, too weak to those who know me very well, in mind, body and spirit. Yet, what many don't see and I didn't always either is what Benjamin and I believe God called out in me- a dormant tenacity. I am strong in the midst of all my fraility. I know I am, and it must be only by His strength. I feel Eph. 3:16 lived out daily in me.

Yes, I don't feel whole anymore. Yes, I cry at night sometimes. Yes I feel an ache all too often and a buzzing of his name in my brain that feels it shall bore a whole in my head one day. I feel I am going mad sometimes and on the verge of suffocating when no one can understand and I just have to swallow it and smile, "He's fine. I'm fine. God is good." Still, in the end, I know I am not cracking. This is far from the end. I know our Lord, the only One keeping Benjamin and I together, has great plans for us. Don't fear friends, Ben and I are alright. We are not in any danger of going anywhere in relation to each other in case my honesty has you wandering. I just let you peek behind the curtain to see just how humble and small the wizard of Oz is. She is not all flash and smiles. Only her God makes her so. She truly is fine. Wesley Dara Casey is ok. Not even hanging on by her fingernails ok. The kind of ok where once I finish this blog I will slide down under the covers, and smile at the thought of Benjamin being somewhere out there, knowing he loves me more than any other human does and points me ever and always to Christ. And I will sleep peacefully because the thought of how mighty and loving my God is to have given me the strength to walk this road I know I am called to. It is my commission and I sense with suriety that as 2 Tim. 3:17 says we are equipped with all we need to accomplish every good work planned for us, so too do I feel I have and am being given the specific tools and measures of strength and grace to live out what God has ordained to be my life: the future bride of a distant Marine who waits in hope and faith of who her groom is and when his return shall be, living in faith that their God "is able to guard what [they] have entrusted to Him until that day." 2 Tim. 1:12b

So good night all. I pray even in your valley if it's anything like mine you can still sleep at peace like I have faith I will because you are being carried on the Father's shoulders.

Grieving Grace

2011-07-01T21:21:00.004-04:00

I've been battling, fighting thoughts of fear, guilt, inadequacy, like i totally missed my exit ramp on Wesley's Life Highway. I "knew" it wasn't right what I was thinking, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)". But I wasn't feeling it. Driving to work my brain was working it over and over. I messed up. I've sinned. Made mistakes. How can I fix that? I'm not perfect now...

I was listening to some worship music. Suddenly something in the song on at the time made it click: I'm not perfect now... When have I ever been perfect?? I've sinned. I DO sin. I need grace, constantly! I realized I wonder if God let me mess up like that because my pride is so darn invasive in my heart (sad but true) He had to let me fall just so I could better realize that state of grace that I should claim as His child. Now hear me! I am NOT saying made me sin, James 1:13 "Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone." But because of Romans 8:28 which we all know I believe He knew my pathetically weak state and I'm sure with sadness in His heart knew I had to be given some leash to choke on a little.

This probably sounds rather dismal right now doesn't it? But it isn't! Yes, my sin is grievous. I abhor it YET my God is a Redeemer! As Job cried I too join in screaming in fear, shame, doubt, satan's face, "As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the earth!" (Job 19:25) HALLELUJAH! I saw, He allowed me to fall so I can better understand my need for grace. I will completely abase myself at the moment and tell you: I am one of the more prideful persons. I can't stand it! I was even so arrogant some time back to think I didn't have a pride problem; "that was a sin I don't struggle with", HA! Let me tell you God has been knocking me off my own pedestal quite a bit - like this morning- but I am so grateful. My pride was so strong I needed to fall a little deeper to see how awful I am so I can better praise Him for His gift of grace.

Once I was warned with my fellow young believers who've also grown up in the church that we were in more danger of pride and falling into sin from the standpoint that we had not fully been mortified over our sin and realized the depth of our depravity like an ex-druggie or party"er" possibly could have. They committed society's and the church's "big" sins. Where we "good little christian kids" had not. Ours were and are the private ones and sadly and erroneously the one's classified as "not that bad". We need to stop doing that! James 2:10 says I'm just the same as the druggie. But that danger is valid and true. I fell and fall into that pit. So God reminded me, "Nope, Wesley, not true. Look you sinned. Yep, you failed. You're not perfect. Shocker! Realize you are in just as much danger of being a dirty, rotten human - HUMAN, and accept that you NEED My grace."

When I let go as accepted this, my heart was nothing but filled with thanksgiving for my God who saved me from the pit. His grace is so beautiful and I don't deserve it. Even after being His child i chose, CHOSE, to spit in His face with not choosing Him, a.k.a. sinning. Yet, He was longing for me to come back. How long suffering and loving is our Father and Lord! I am with Paul completely:

Romans 7:15, 18-25a

For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am, who will set me free from this body of death?! Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

And he continues his thought process in chapter 8 which I already referenced, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the laws of sin and death!"

Praise be to God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ! What more can I say? God gives us grieving grace so we can then truly understand grateful grace. "O to Grace how great a debtor/ Daily I'm constrained to be/ Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee/ Prone to wander Lord I feel it/ Prone to leave the God I love/ Here's my heart Lord take and seal it/ Seal it for Thy courts above"

l.o.v.e. this song

2011-06-28T22:21:00.002-04:00

http://youtu.be/zp2UR9L2p_8

O everytime we say goodbye I die a little

Everytime we say goodbye I wonder why a little

Why the gods above me who must be in the know

Think so little of me

They allow you to go

And when you're near

There's such an air of spring about it

I can hear a lark somewhere begin to sing about it

There's no love song finer

But how strange the change from major to minor

Everytime we say goodbye

Taking off the bell

2011-06-27T21:09:00.005-04:00

My best friend, Abby, who is pursuing God in the Ukraine this summer, said it perfectly: to grow, you have to be stretched. And does stretching feel good? After approximately 18 years of dancing, let me tell you the answer is not all that much! Sometimes it feels good but many more times it hurts!! You are forcing your body and limbs into places and positions it is not used to going and it is screaming at you, "What are you doing?!" But we dancers did it anyway because we knew the end results would be better for us. We'd be stronger and more flexible to be more capable of executing dance moves.

Our spiritual walk is just the same. In order to grow, God must lead us down paths that often feel unnatural, are painful, and are difficult to get to. Our physical muscles actually tear when we work out, that's what soreness is; so too do our spiritual muscles. To gain strength in and for our God, we have to be torn. What a conundrum: to be better Christians and closer to our Lord, we must experience that breakdown of something in us. We must experience trauma to a degree. This doesn't sit easy with our Western Culture image of the Christian life: warm a pew on Sunday, give your 10%, if you want to really experience His "blessing" get involved in children's ministry. Do this and you will have the American Dream... errr. Wait a second, somehow I missed the verse that promises a two story in the suburbs, a shiny new sedan (let's not get greedy, we are Christians afterall), and our hardest dilemma is deciding on what movie to see Friday night. What I read is verses like James 1:2-4

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produce endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Sound comfy? NO! Consider it joy WHEN, when not IF you encounter various trials. So difficulty, hardship, pain, experiences and people that are less than our definition of perfection, pretty sure this all falls under normal and should be expected happenings. Somehow this lesson escaped my notice for years.

I, until recently had lived under the wrongful assumption that if something didn't go as I figured it should, that automatically meant it bad, wrong, not of God, you name it. Time to recalibrate. God finally decided I was ready to be refined of this immature perspective. I realized that sometimes what God wants, has planned and is the right thing to do is like a tantalizing tight rope. Not too far to the left, not too far to the right, just there perfectly balanced in the middle. Sounds kind if like Goldilocks taste-testing the Three Bears porridge. God asks us to do a balancing act. Come be a Christian it's like running away to the Circus! Woohoo!

Also, for growing up in the Church, I had some funky views of God. I see now my whole life I've struggled with expecting the worst from God so to speak. If I wanted something automatically I assumed God was either not going to give it to me or make it really really hard and difficult to get to it. I always expected second best from Him or pain and torture basically (like Purgatory, I couldn't have the best because I had to pay for my wrong-doings... yea that whole grace thing hasn't penetrated yet). I failed to take to heart the verse I had read a million times: "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" (Matt. 7:11) To make it even worse, though, I also thought if He was going to give me what I wanted it had to be perfect (aka on my terms... you all laughing with me?). I looked for the wondrous, amazing, mind-blowing, Jesus-level awesome to be answered in my prayers. Again I overlooked one of my favorite stories for the lesson it teaches that I so badly needed, 1 Kings 19:11

So He said, "Go forth and stand on the mountain before the Lord." And behold, the Lord was passing by! And a great strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing."

God does not often show up with fireworks or in this case a hurricane, earthquake or a holocaust but in a breeze. He is in the small. Just like how Jesus appeared on earth, nothing special, average, no flash or verve about Him (Is. 53:2). What He did and said was the frill. It only makes sense that He does this because of our flawed nature. If He came with bells and whistles, that's what we would focus on and miss whatever He was trying to teach us that just happened to have bells and whistles attached to it.

For too long, I've been expecting bells. What I didn't know was what looked like "frill-less" things in my life would bring about and grow in me the most beautiful peals from the bell He crafted in my heart and it's the most beautiful, frilly thing I've ever seen... because He built it.

Once again

2011-06-09T02:19:00.021-04:00

I'm in that mood again...
I'm ITCHING to dance!
I feel I shall go mad.

I need a studio and hours to just blast music and push my body to it's old extremes;

the kind of pushing that will leave me worn out and in pain.

ABANDON

that's what I long for.

Abandon on the dance floor.
To completely let go of myself, physically and emotionally.
Disconnect from social norms and my usual way of expression thus being able to say more than I could before.

I could always find a quiet, secret and beautiful world within myself when I danced.
I think each person who has a dancer's heart, and not every dancer has one and some people have one and are not "dancers", understands this concept.

Freedom.

I felt it there. The only place I ever experienced that kind of limitlessness.

"If you don't dance, you die" a past dance teacher told me.

She was right. I feel a part of me has died.
Now no one freak out, it's not something that shatters my existences. Yet, in moments like this, I feel it's hard to breathe not having dance in my life anymore.

Dance unlocked a hidden part in my heart and soul.
I could lay emotions, thoughts, and motions (yes I said motions, I'm a dancer, I think in movement) out on that marley floor that I didn't even know how to express anywhere else in my life.
It was a private freedom though, if that makes sense. I could dance out and express my deepest feelings for anyone to see as I moved across a stage, yet I never had to explain anything.

Dance is its own language. Each dancer speaks her own dialect. Some people can read yours, some can't. But you'll never know if they do or not and it doesn't matter. You lay your heart on that stage through your body and someone else can even understand a glimmer of it than hoozah for them. But you spoke your heart language to yourself, and that's a comfort nothing can replace.

2011-06-06T09:57:00.003-04:00

Is. 30:21 ... you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way, walk ye in it"

more to come...

but one quick thought before i fall back asleep after waking up early to talk to ben who's 13 hrs ahead: at times God is BEHIND us. aka we can't see Him and know where to step. we have to step out and be alert to feel His touch edging us right or left, quiet to hear His whisper in our ears guiding us down our path that will eventually lead to Him. It's eerie, scary, mysterious; it's faith. "Here's how you get to me, come find Me. Now move, beloved."

Who Knew?

2011-06-02T21:08:00.004-04:00

Hello friends,

Thank you each one of you who have made your love and support tangible the last few days and weeks as Ben and I face what seems to some crazy and daunting ordeal. But I'm writing to you all, one, to tell you remarkably I am ok and, two, and what God has done to make me feel that way. And in case you were wondering, I was not always like this and I am not saying I can guarantee that I'll be this strong for the next 14 months but I know I'll always be able to come back to the knowledge that I hold tonight that has made me feel like this.

What is that knowledge? Wrong question. More like WHO? Who is Jesus Christ. He has made His word very much alive in me and I feel I am living proof of His promise that He can supply peace that passes all understanding and it will guard our hearts and minds. I feel His love and assurance has built a bulwark around my heart. I am excited to go through something seemingly tough to the average mindset simply to show off how strong my God is for being the reason I get through that time, and not just limping along but full out running my course strong and confident!

So how did I get here? Well of course Jesus, Himself, did it but He used one channel in particular, my future husband, Benjamin. This man who God has graciously brought into my life is the reason I stand here not just coping, not falling apart, not even OK; I am excited for the next 14 months he and I will be apart. We won't be able to talk as much as we're accustomed and we have over a year to wait until we are finally married, Lord willing, on top of our previous 5 months we've already been engaged yet I have an unshakable confidence God is and will use this time for His glory. And when we do come together in marriage, it will be for the right reason: to form a more perfect unite to serve our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

As we spent the precious few hours we had left together this afternoon, he freely began speaking to me about our time apart that stared us in the face. His words ring in my ears, "Look at Paul and Peter, the great men from the Bible, why were they considered great? Not because they had easy, prosperous lives. But they are called great because of the hardship they endured and how they endured it. They were remembered because they didn't quit." As a dear friend and mentor said about her husband, "If there were such a thing as a Prov. 31 man, he would be it!" I heartily agree about my husband to be. His steadfast confidence of God's goodness, his strength to get through each day in his world filled with men and women utterly opposed to the things of God who lambaste his faith and morals, his bravery to face days that are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually hard without hesitation, his witness that never waivers, his unquestioned faithfulness to me, the stability he gives me even when I know he is worn thin by the day, the fact that when he talks Jesus shines from his eyes and his voice's cadence echoes with reflections of the Father all bring me closer to the Father and make me love him more. But my greatest gift is to hear him pray. My man is not only a modern day warrior who defends our country, but he is a warrior on his knees before the Throne of Grace. His prayers humble, move and inspire me. His never ending reliance on the Father has taught me I can rely on his leading me to the Father. As his hand totally engulfs mine, so to does his love that never ends and his diligence to draw us closer to our King.

His reminder to me today has made the world of difference to me. It made me think of Elizabeth Elliot's thoughts on angst and longing for something God wasn't giving her (the freedom to marry Jim when she wanted to) "If the yearnings went away, what would we have left to offer up to the Lord?". So this time is Ben's and my offering. This is our prayer, "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad." God has placed a faith in both of our hearts that there is a reason for our separation and wait and we can't wait to see what He does. I am in awe at the transformation power God has to work on our hearts. I had seen this phase we have now entered as a time to dread and fear, just grit our teeth and get through. Now, who would have thought, it's a huge source of rejoicing in our God's power and unfailing love. I praise Him for this faith I know only can come from Him. May He be glorified through our lives!

lucky

2011-04-25T14:37:00.003-04:00

Luck though does not exist. It's a blessing from God. But can I just take a minute to brag about the man God has given me? He spoiled me with this:

and he still insists it was nothing. Goodness! He gave me a rock. Also last night we were talking, talking about somewhat heavy stuff. He's been battling a cold/flu and as we talked he said he started to fear a stomach bug was hitting him. So at the very least you can say he was not feeling well. Yet when I asked if he wanted to go to bed he said "No! I promised you we'd talk." Wow... I can only live up to his love and determination. However if you are wondering I was not so cruel to make him honor that promise last night. I "made" him go to bed.

But with just that one small incident it shows what a man I have. It blows me away.

Resurrection Reflections

2011-04-25T12:13:00.006-04:00

Yesterday concluded Easter weekend... to my everlasting shame I must confess I have never given this holiday weekend the reverence it deserves. Last night I believe I finally began to taste how I should have been viewing it all along.

Good Friday service was good, it always manages to touch me. Yet somehow in the crevices of my heart I know some of it is tied into the fact that I am melancholy thus can rely on the sorrow and depth of emotion associated with the cross to reach me because of my tendency to lean towards the somber. Then Easter Sunday came! And I felt pretty much the same as ever. People greeted me with large smiles, "Happy Easter!". All I could do was manage a smile. If I felt gutsy, I'd chance a "hi". I knew something was amiss.

I enjoyed being spoiled with my church's special holiday treats of our talented brass glorifying God with their talent and our youth and children's choirs performing. Their innocent voices filling our sanctuary, I must be honest, pulled a chord among my heart strings that my pride doesn't enjoy being tugged on. But it was worth it.

My surrounding social circle continued in their joy and festivities that seemed so illusive to me. My parents treated my bosom friend, their prodigal, and I to a lovely lunch. Then the two of us were going to indulge in some nowadays rare face time. As we did our usual indecisive routine, "What do you wanna do? I dunno. Where should we go? I dunno...", we saw two friends waltz up. For two dancers of too many years, we very "ungracefully" stumbled up to them and from there a wonderful afternoon commenced.

We talked and talked and talked about too many things to list but they all revolved around life, emotions, being female, our futures and our faith. It was a most precious afternoon. Finally it was evening and time for our church's tradition of having a handful of people from our congregation share what the resurrection means to them. I've been with this church for nearly 6 years thus attended about 5 of these. So it was nothing new however some of what was said that night brought a perfect revelatory conclusion to my Easter weekend.

It began with one of my "babies" sharing. Again that chord I don't like to be touched was being yanked and the world looked a little liquid for a minute as I listen to a young woman, who was once one of my little girls in jr. high, share from such a beautiful and pure heart all that God meant to her and had shown this past year.

Then one of the men of our church shared the stages of life God has brought him through and now how he is in a pruning stage. I don't know anything about that... heh. He paraphrased the beloved C.S. Lewis (where would we be if that man never came to know Jesus? let's now think about it) as he talked about this place God has brought him to: "You asked for a loving God: you have one... Welcome to the Consuming Fire." Can I just saw WOW! His fire we must walk through is His love. Heb. 12:29 Our God IS a CONSUMING fire! To be loved by my God means who I am will be destroyed, eaten up, absorbed and cease to exist. This may not seem like love but here's another C.S. Lewis quote: God gives "what he has, not what he has not; the happiness that there is, not the happiness that is not. If we will not learn to eat the only food that the universe grows - the only food that any possible universe ever can grow - then we must starve eternally." Mmm mmm good. And this is so much more than Campbell's Soup. It is love to be stripped of the nasty, perverted parts of us and to be made to look more like a perfect being.

Lastly one of the friends I spent all afternoon with got up and shared. Her simple honesty words spoke to my rhetoric riddled heart and brought what I needed to change in myself home last night. She told a story of herself that sounded a lot like me. She describe herself as "a white-washed casket" pretty on the outside but dead on the inside. Then she told of her realization that what the resurrection meant to her was the fact that she has life NOW and a risen Savior who could be with her in that very moment. A few others shared the same thoughts. We are alive now! We have hope now! We have a living Lord now! We have life! The joy we feel when a flower blooms or that bean plant that your 2nd grader brings home finally sprouts a stalk above that dirt in that plastic water cup and especially the elation we feel when new life enters the world. All that is just a taste of what Easter is all about, what the resurrections is all about. It's about the ability to enjoy life. I did all yesterday: I was touched by beautiful voices from young lives, I enjoyed fellowship with lives, beings like me talking about none other than life. Then God brought it home when people shared the truth I needed to understand: the resurrection is about life itself.

After our Good Friday service I said hi to my pastor as many do at my church. His parting words to me at that time seems confusing for their obviousness (i mistakenly thought at the time): "Remember, He's alive." If I had only known how profound that statement would be.

Godtales

2011-04-02T22:56:00.005-04:00

"Once upon a time..." in a magical land where every fantasy can come to life, homes are palaces and the sun always dazzles the view from each private balcony. There is always a gorgeous girl, marvelously talented but just in enough need for the boy, a quest-searching knight or a brilliant but sensitive farm boy. Neither have any serious problems or emotional baggage, only the problem of being disgustingly perfect. Eventually, their "horrid" obstacles of an evil witch or biased parents are overcome and that sun is still dazzling their now perfect wedding ceremony and they, say it with me, "... live happily ever after."

What is this? It's a fairytale. We're brainwashed with them throughout our childhood with our parents reading Sleeping Beauty to us as children, having to read Romeo and Juliet in high school lit, and watching chick flicks as young adults. Then we try our hand at this romance stuff and as one chick flick character admits our "love Santa keeps getting stuck in the chimney". We become disillusioned and confused.

The next stage sets in of us becoming calloused and cynical, either taking the loner road and shutting ourselves off from romance, telling ourselves it is an evil institution and we don't need it. Or we choose the second road of letting in some love but convince ourselves it will be just that. Nothing special and we can't expect anything from it because if we do we'll only be disappointed. This ideological pendulum swing is enough to give one cause to see a chiropractor. Good night! Yet somehow most all of us reside in one of these camps of thought or have experienced all these mood swings.

Yes, I am young at just over 22 but I have had a taste of each of these. Yet I am newly engaged. So how did I work out this emotional dilemma? I came to realize where we humans got in trouble was looking first to our emotions and trying to find "that someone" then seeing if God fit into the picture. We have it all backwards! Take heart young people in search of love, it is so incredibly possible to have a fairytale. You only need look to your heavenly Prince Charming first. 1 John 4:19 We love, because He first loved us. But to my chagrin how I found out this truth was through the love of the man I will soon call husband. And thank God I will! I see what an example of Christ and His love he is to me and it makes me fall even more in love with him. I feel like I am living a fairytale. But I'm not because those aren't real. What I have is real. It's not a fairytale, it's a Godtale.

2011-03-20T22:46:00.003-04:00

Maturation ~ the process of maturing.

Mature ~ having reached full natural growth or development

having reached a desired or full condition; ripe

worked out fully by the mind; considered

having reached the limit of its time; due

no longer subject to great expansion or development

this process is both beautiful and painful. two such opposing ideas struggling within the same womb - life. it's that moment of looking up after a beating but knowing you were bludgeoned because you did not move from your position. it's having a noticable scar that everyone demands the story for because they want to pretend it was they who acted nobly to receive such a wound. it's picking a flower from the bush growing in your back yard after you spent hours putting dirt beneath your fingernails. it's taking a step when everything in you screams to sit down; holding your breath when you're about to pass out for want of oxygen; learning the art of love and simplicity.

"all you need is love". amen to that. God's love. it is enough. 1 Tim. 6:6-8

But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content.

"with these we shall be content"... i never knew contentment before until now... i am learning the art of contentment. longing for my mind never to stray "from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ." that's what it is. simplicity. that's what i want. the simplicity of devotion {ardent, often selfless affection and dedication} to my Savior.

these shoes...

2010-02-28T14:33:00.000-05:00

i want them!

2010-02-28T14:06:00.002-05:00

How do you do this again? HaHa I have not posted in forever and o how my life has changed! I was told just the other day that I "have it made" with my stage in life right now... it struck me so violently. Do I? I don't know and it doesn't matter. All I can do is praise my El Shaddai, for He is all sufficient and given my everything that I have. I have a wonderful job, doing what I love: working in the arts, choreographing, working backstage in productions, and teaching children. Doors have been miraculously opened for me to use my spiritual gifts and grow in ministering to others. Thus I'm experience the blessing of operating in my gifts- I feel satisfied and at home. I continue to be in awe of my God who I grow closer to and want to know more and more. I can see things He is laying before me to do - my life's purpose... perhaps. In church this morning a point was made when we were in Ephesians that I loved, "People who look for THE big purpose for their life oft miss it. The people who pursue the small immediate purposes in their life normally find the big one."

Then and Now

2009-08-24T19:50:00.017-04:00

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back?"

Do you have any idea how a person can change? I'm beginning to see. Within the last couple of years, I've become nearly another person, I feel. However beyond that I've thought how differently my life could be now. If my surroundings and people in my life hadn't changed, it is very strange and surreal to think of where I would be now.

As some know, I was born in Dallas, Texas and lived in Canton until I was nearly four. We had owned a house on five acres of undeveloped land and our closest neighbors, who weren't that close, we're farmers of some sorts. On the weekends I would wake up to the sound of my dad on our property using the chain saw to cut fire wood. We had two pet rabbits we bought from our farmer friend who usually sold them for other purposes than pets. : ( But on the weekends we would take carrots and apples to his donkey, Poncho! My dad would mow the lawn on a tractor and I would ride with him. We have a picture of the two of us, he in his overalls and cap and I in my "matching" purple overalls and train conductor cap. I loved going out with him. A big goal in mowing besides cutting the grass was to chase down and run over snakes... *gagging*. Because we lived near a lake, they were prevalent. Besides snakes, scorpions were a big problem too. My parents tell of a time I was just a baby, only crawling and a scorpion had snuck in the house and found it's was into my vicinity. My new curiosity compelled me to investigate. Just as I was reaching and nearly about to grab it, my mom saw and snatched me up. My favorite story though was this: my parents told me, no lie, that they were considering for my birthday to buy a pony. We had the space definitely.

Thinking about this lately, in a slightly joking manner, but with a touch of reality, it occurred to me what kind of person I could be now. Yes, working off some stereotypes, remember though this was a joke, I theorized who I would be. After living out in the consummated country with little contact, surely a thick accent, farming our vegetable garden, taking care of my own pony, probably going to the local public high school, (imagine what an experience that would have been) my family situation was very different then so I'm pretty sure had I stayed there my whole life I would have been desperate to get out of the house, I concluded that I would have married my high school sweet heart and now nearly 21 I would probably be on my second child.

I was very out-going and a ham as a child, though like today, I preferred adults' company. Doubtful I would have danced, I probably would have been a cheerleader and I bet you any money my guy would have been a football player! HAHAHAHAHA! Actually for that part of the world, it might have been the 4H champ. *Hysteria* Please ask if you don't know what that is. So for you all who know me, isn't that the craziest thought? I mean to look at what I am today or at least who I was in high school. In middle school, I was slightly awkward, though who isn't at that age, trying to find my place in the social circle. As time went on, I became more and more of a loner pretty much. By high school, I made an awkward fit into the brainy group. I tried sports and just didn't fit there. And the popular kids were just too popular for me. I got used to my status as a wallflower. "I'm invisible and I'm good at it." That was totally me. In all my circles, besides my closest friends, I was known for being deathly quiet. A complete change from what I was as a child. I became analytical, a thinker, thinking so deeply, sometimes I wonder if to my own harm. I found my place and comfort in dance. That eventually would become my solace and circle of friends and people who knew me best.

Now that has changed also... "it's a funny ol' world in' it?" : )

i think this pic sums it up pretty well...

He first loved us.

2009-08-15T00:50:00.004-04:00

How do I begin to explain all that has passed in and out of my heart and life? So much has happened and I feel more liberated than I ever have! I believe what I am experiencing is a freedom in Christ that has finally come after years of much struggle, millions of tears, and the worst heartache I could imagine. But in exposure to what I thought I wanted, the revelation of my secret heart's thoughts came. In allowing myself something I never thought would be permitted like this, I've found peace and my joy again. God is growing me up... by giving me more freedom. It feels so weird. I guess... do I dare wonder is it because I have endured long enough He granted me this? I still have so much to learn, but He loosed the corset strings just a little and this deeper inhale is unbelievable.

I can rest in Him again. My desire is ever more clear and present YET I love Him so much I know whatever the outcome it will be ok. Growing up in Him is the most fulfilling experience. How can anyone live apart from Him?

2009-05-27T23:55:00.005-04:00

i'm back... finally. and what i have to say won't be easy to express because it's about silence, the absence of something and how do you tell that??? i've been going through some CRAZY emotional roller coasters recently and i'm finally "evening" out again... hope it sticks. ya being a girl rocks! *sarcasm* and in my truly insane state, i was demanding an answer from God. almost screaming at the, what i felt to be, brassy heavens, stamping my little fleshly foot, and threatening the Almighty if i didn't get my way... with things utterly ridiculous or terrifying. after about a week of despair, endless tears, and raging i just had to let go. no amazing rescue from Him, no light bulb came on. and that's what i had been counting on. when i get like this that's what saves me: a knight in shining armor in the form of a new perspective or a scripture or simply a smoothed out emotional state will ride up and save this pathetic damsel in whiny distress.

that didn't come this time... like a two-year-old in a hissy fit, i just had to cry it out and then GET A GRIP! as a friend told me, i just probably was not accepting the answer that God was trying to give all along and self-destructing trying to make a new one. as i groped then for some help from my only true Comforter, i prayed and pleaded for some revelation. "how do i handle this? what am i supposed to think?" a thought occurred to me, so revolutionary compared to what i had been fuming about, it dazed me. in essence what i thought was "i like silence, i want silence". no more noise, no more demanding answers. just nothingness. that night my devotional hit the spot. it was titled "Listen to the Silence", some of it said:

"If I choose to hide you away, it is for a reason. If I wish to give you a time of rest, it is for your own good. Nothing is amiss that is in My will... I have brought you to this place. Make the most of it. Drink in the silence. Seek solitude. Listen to the silence. It will teach you. It will build strength."

Today I felt a whole week or month had passed for all the thoughts that were cluttering my mind. I found myself begging God for mere peace. For all the thoughts to just stop! Not that they were even terrible thoughts to have, simply distracting or too many at once. I wanted silence. I don't care about an answer, the solution to this riddle. God will work it out in His own timing and I don't want to tangle my brain with what I have no real insight into. If you know me at all, you should be fainting right now ; )

I want silence because it has it's own words that can never be heard unless you hear nothing else. I am reminded of Watermark's song "Still", "even silence has a song, cause that's when you come sing over me". This evening i continued to pray for silence. And i had one of those awesome moments when you know you hear the Spirit. Words came to my mind to pray that i had not generated, "Give me an answer in the silence." And i was in a place as i said that i did not need an answer. But I guess God wanted to give me one. : ) Then in my devotional, as it's done all throughout, it spoke directly into my situation:

"Do not hold back in wonder and disbelief. Accept My life is the Spirit as it is... Breathtaking? Perhaps. But how could you expect anything less of Me?... you will see much that is now obscure to you because you have chosen to walk in the darkness. I have better things for you - things in keeping with Myself. You have not truly known Me. You have been hindered in you comprehension by what you have read and been taught. There is very little more concerning Me that you can learn from human sources. You can know Me in the Spirit only when you go deeper in you worship... Only the heart that is melted in devotion is pliable in My hands... Labor not to be wise but to be yielded... There will be death and there will be a glorious resurrection."

Breathtaking! My God is breathtaking. That's the place i wanted to be back at. He is so good to put me back in the crook of His arm and tell me He won't let go.

too long...

2009-04-04T21:01:00.004-04:00

it's been too long since i've been here. so i come back tonight, yet with very little to say. so much has happened in my life over the past couple of months but if i tried to put it all into words there would be much silence. my experiences have not been in tangible form. just changing emotions and transforming mindsets. i continue to be brought to a deeper level of neutrality, silence and waiting. i feel so much growth MUST be taking place. not that i see the results yet but for all that i've walked through, i know it is nothing else but God's hand in my life. i think this is a pruning stage. so i have not necessarily grown "taller" just been cleaned up a little, still a part of the overall growing process. He is doing this as i grow older and now is the time to make my faith my own, which i feel has happened.

i am still waiting and watching, having faith that the salvation of the Lord is near at hand. for i know it is good to wait silently on the Lord. i must be broken before Him. as clay in my Potter's hands, if i am not constantly molded and pounded down, i will become hard and immobile. daily my Master must break me. i rejoice constantly that i was set apart before the foundation of the world to be His own, an adopted child and a bought bride, bought with a precious, precious price. i am not redeemed by corruptible things, not by silver, not by gold, and not by aimless tradition. but with the lifeblood of my beautiful heavenly bridegroom who is preparing our home where we will reign together and live with no more pain and no more tears forever more! amen! come Lord Jesus, come!

the little wildflower

2009-01-26T00:31:00.004-05:00

betwixt two worlds
waiting for roots to grow

the little wildflower

natural processes assumed

no fear disheartened or shook

the little wildflower

time changes all

misplacing the morsel of life

the little wildflower

passers by ignored

roots sprouted here and there

the little wildflower

years demand space

where to stay and grow

the little wildflower

growth brought assumption

living chords attached rightly so

the little wildflower

winds blew free

displacing comfort and all known

the little wildflower

what to do

a life needs to grow

the little wildflower

an open field

safety and place were offered

the little wildflower

vines wound 'round

finally assurance of realized needs

the little wildflower

green connection produced

but the life not provided

the little wildflower

healthy grass diminished

a field offered new adventure

the little wildflower

supposed newness undone

now where, just be forgetten

the little wildflower

please don't forget

...

the little wildflower

a long time coming

2009-01-18T23:49:00.006-05:00

i've finally finished what could be the most helpful book apart from the Word and wanted to compile all the phrases and words i highlighted just to see what comes of it:
- "In some Christian gatherings people are asked to turn around and look the person next to them full in the face, even if he is a perfect stranger, and say, with a broad smile and without the least trace of a blush, 'God loves you, and so do I,'... This apparently makes some of them feel good. Perhaps it even convinces them they've obeyed the strongest and toughest command ever laid on human beings: Love one another as Christ has loved you. No wonder people cast about for some other word to describe what they feel...."

- "My walk with Christ is rather an alone one."

- "The struggle was not over any unwillingness to cross an ocean or live under a thatched roof, but over whether this was my idea or God's..."

- "'Me, Lord? Single?' It was an obstruction to my prayers and the subject of recurrent dreams."

- "He would have to be a man who prized virginity - his own as well as mine - as much as I did."

- "By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere."

- "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awaken love until it pleases."

- 1 John 4:16 "God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God..."

- "O Love, that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee,
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be." George Matheson

- "Are we in a bargaining position with our Creator, Redeemer, the Holy One?"

- "Women still dream and hope, pin their emotions on some man who doesn't reciprocate and end up in confusion."

- "Wasn't it sufficient that I honestly desired to love God and do what He wanted?"

- "Be it by water or by fire, Oh, make me clean, Oh make me clean!"

- "As I grew into womanhood and began to learn what was in my heart I saw very clearly that, of all things difficult to rule, none were more so than my will and affections."

- "The fair new petals must fall, and for visible reason. No one seems enriched by the stripping."

- "Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship."

- "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad."

- "Doesn't He want me to be happy?... He wants you most to be holy."

- "Hold Thou Thy cross between us, blessed Lord,
Let us love Thee. To us Thy power afford
To remain prostrate at Thy pierced feet -
There is no other place where we may meet."

- "... the heart set to do the Father's will need never fear defeat."

- "For His presence known shall be
By the holy harmony
Which His coming makes in thee."

- "Yea, build in me the buttressed
bastion of faith
That shall resist the undersucking flow
of soulish tide,
And make me endure this late attack,
I pray, in Jesus' name."

- Isaiah 54:5 "Your husband is you maker, whose name is the Lord of Hosts."

- "Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear."

- "I could not love thee, dear, so much,
Loved I not honor more"

- "Lovesickness may seem a trifle compared with other maladies, but the one who is sick with love is sick indeed, and the Heavenly Father understands that. He steadily draws us along the pathway to glory, if our deepest heart is set on His kingdom, if we are not of those whom Psalm 78:8 describes as 'a generation with no firm purpose, with hearts not fixed steadfastly on God.'"

- "When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die."

- "It is not that everything that has anything to do with ourselves is in itself wicked and deserving of death... It was a choice to lay down everything - the good He had done and the good He might do if He was permitted to live - for the love of God. The same choice is offered to us."

- "God spoke peace into my emotional turmoil because I was... silent enough to hear it."

- "They dress most gloriously in preparation for death."

- "Are you willing to face grief and pain or whatever it takes for Me to make you that?"

- 2 Cor. 4:17, 18 "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen."

- "Pray that you may be an intrusment of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy."

- "Let not our longing slay the appetite of living."

- "... the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done."

- "If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?"

- "After you have suffered a while, he himself will mend that which was broken. If all struggles and sufferings were eliminated, the spirit would no more reach maturity than would the child."

- "What hindereth thee more than thine affections not fully mortified to the will of God?" Thomas a Kempis

- "Wait on God. Keep your mouth shut."

- "Quietly courageous."

- "A woman's beauty should reside... in the innermost center of her being...."

- "It was in learning to eat that Living Bread, sufficient always for one day at a time that i was taught and disciplined and prepared for later things."

- "Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all that life really means." Robert Louis Stevenson
"Take therefore no thought for the morrow....
Give us this day our daily bread.
... As thy days, so shall thy strength be."

- "What his own soul felt as bitter pain,
From making others feel should man abstain... if I look back longingly upon what used to be, and linger among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing of Calvary love. Keep the level of my love in Christ - never lower."

- "... forgetfulness of self in order to be strong to serve."

- "Have I an object Lord, below, which would divide my heart from Thee?"

- 'Oh, how delicate are the tuggings of my Beloved, and how calloused my responses."

- "Far too long hath there been a slave and a tyrant concealed in woman. On that account woman is not capable of friendship: she knoweth only love."

- "All that is perfectly human and perfectly natural in us must first be offered. It does not become inhuman and unnatural by this offering...."

- "I wanted to marry a man prepared to swim against the tide."

- "It is only the few who will pay full price. You get what you pay for."

- "If your goal is purity of heart, be prepared to be thought very odd."

- "Are there any who still search the sky for the beacon of purity?"

- "Measure your progress by your experience of love of God and its exercise before men...."

- "But true Christians consider themselves as not satisfying some rigorous creditor, but as discharging a debt of gratitude."

- "If you feel sure you are standing firm, beware! You may fall."

- "I asked the heaven of stars
What I should give my love -
It answered me with silence,
Silence above,

I asked the darkened sea
Down where the fishes go -
It answered me with silence,
Silence below.

Oh, I could give him weeping,
Or I could give him a song -
But how can I give silence
My whole life long?"

- "The disposition... to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self."

- "Hold us in strength and hold us still"

- "At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."

- "God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. When you look at the oak tree, you don't feel that the "loss" of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your life, the less terrible will the losses seem.... The seed does not 'know' what will happen. It only knows what is happening - the falling, the darkness, the dying."

- "If any man will let himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."

- "Could it be that we are crossing the same river, but far enough apart to be at different depths, wisely kept so so that we would not sing together?"

- "Trusting Him, then requires that I leave some things to be decided by others."

- "Love... is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God...."

- "Each is to esteem the other better than himself."

- "... the life I now live is not my life, but the life which Christ lives in me...."

Lucy, i'm really home!

2009-01-09T01:36:00.002-05:00

so that was christmas, now here's a little of new years.
it was quite strange to come home then leave two days later on my own. it was also a very new experience to spend the last few minutes of '08 and the first few of '09 in a house not mine, surrounded by people i don't now all that well. Then finishing out the New Years celebration by sitting on the floor with the boys watching Return of the King til about 3 am. haha o man way to break in 2009 whew! just after the passing of midnight i wrote "What an odd way to end one year and bring in another. So i delve into my psyche and collect the memories of this past year. New became old hat and non-existent came to be. I had a growth spurt and then grew weary from the growth pains. So a new year is called for to bring life back into my body."

i can't wait for a new year, mostly. i like time moving forward, bringing more events and time to stuff in my experience box, relying on my charts and diagrams to confirm my findings collected from Divine, parental, personal, and friendly sources. the first week of the new year was interesting, exciting, intriguing, exhausting. things happened to make me raise an eyebrow, smile, others raise an eyebrow no doubt, my smile change to a beaming one, my brow furrowed in thought, music discovered to unravel the knots of my soul, laughs to confirm and reaffirm love and camaraderie i would not trade for the world. caps were tossed like "monkey in the middle" inside my head, from mouth to mouth. my skills with a 9 mil barretta were discovered and noticed. other things were noticed again. opportunities were presented and doors will be walked through. i pray they lead to only good. i know i'm sounding extremely ambiguous, get over it! plus if you know me, you should be able to understand about everything.

here are some not so cryptic statements:

- what are words when we can have unawkward silences?!

- i'm not kidding, get paper!

- our conversations are more awkward than our silences.

- but our awkward conversations aren't awkward at all!

- you're my freak so it's ok.

- "bubble bath"= Diana getting drunk

- leg bahahahahaha

- hammocks inspire all kind of giggles

- "i'd be a lot more submissive if i could slay dragons." the most oxymoronic statement i've ever heard

- "i love you. i love my mommy too" : )

- American Restoration, it's time for change ; ) it will happen! youtube here we come

Lucy, i'm home!

2009-01-09T00:13:00.006-05:00

o man! i've been gone forever. my parents have become strangers, thus lengthy sessions of hanging on their necks was in order : ) my own bed is an awesome nest to huddle in yet being away from home makes me feel so much more prepared for life... in some senses... more domestic haha. my christmas break and new years has been a whirlwind and i'm trying to stop my head from spinning *doing sautes now (if you're not a dancer don't try and understand)*. but life is about to go back to normal... well school is starting again ewwww! though that won't even be normal this semester. i haven't blogged in forever but hey certain someone's who shall remain nameless *coughing no one's name* i'm not the only one!

so this break and what's to come... "lemme esplain. no takes too long; lemme som up" please tell me you got that and i didn't make those disgusting spelling errors for nothing! well going to MO was interesting. lately, well not lately all my issues have been so internal! it's all in my head really. i just think. i fight with myself. i fight to keep my mouth shut. i ponder what i should say, shouldn't say. i restrain my tongue from rehashing dead topics. i think hard on subjects more and more like i can squeeze an answer from my turning the issue over in my brain. also i feel everything so much more deeply. that doesn't mean i've become more mushy at least to the public. sorry all i still don't cry haha ; ) i find myself wishing i could cry though, hmm strange ugh i'll think about that later.

*see a blank stare* sorry, so anyway MO, regarding the feeling more and mental thing, for the first time i remember at least, really LOVING that small town steeped in history. though my bumpkin meter ran too high toward the end of the trip. God bless the small town but i couldn't stay in one for over a week. but i can't explain my reaction, internally of course, to bebe being able to tell a story for each building, street, knick knack. it moved me as stupid as that sounds. walking the old cemetery was like a cool breeze through my soul. to walk through those beautiful headstones that are to help the world remember hundreds of past lives and deeds, i could feel like myself. i feel at home among the old and past, older values and codes, the quiet and known, not new. i want to walk well trodden paths that i can entrench. think of me as a restoration not a renovation and i like it that way.

after that completely unnecessary intro here are some of my thoughts and realizations while away from home in MO. i loved hearing about some family history from uncle edward. haha ah uncle edward, you gotta love him as he gives a good ol' texas "yahoo" for the whole restaurant to hear and says "God bless you to all he passes". o goodness. and about 6 times he shoved him palm in my face when he told a family story he deemed i shouldn't remember. yes all 20 years of me. but back to what he unearthed about our family. back when W. VA was just VA our family owned a whole town named after us. not casey, it was a branch further back, flescher, so flescherville. and stonewall's grandson bought it from us and it became part of W.VA and is now Weston. apparently there is some structure that tells about the history of the town that lays all this out. i was giddy when i heard this. my family owned a town! and stonewall's grandson bought it from us! eeeeeee!

then at bebe's i was reminded of the good and not all that hot aspects of my family. it just made me laugh. and we laughed, for not seeing each other that much therefore not knowing each other a whole lot we sure do laugh a bunch. it also gave me some perspective on my whole life, made me see things from a different angle. here are some things i jotted down while there:

- "can i show you my little thingy" haha bebe cracks me up

- "we are a touching family"

- boyfriends are fresh, oy good times

- my eating habits are always of interest. usually it's that i don't eat enough. now it was "hungry again?" which dad asked at one point adding "just a growing girl". i quickly replied "yea growing sideways". and in all his adorableness he said "no you're a skinny minney". <3

- Dec. 25th and the 25th Psalm was the most incredible pairing of day and chapter to read. i wrote down verse 3, 5, 14, 16, 17, 20, 21! awesome stuff

- v.21 is my theme verse: Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for You!

- bebe gave me a ring of her's that was from a WWII navy man who got it in the east probably. mom and i saw a close copy in an antique shop for $250 made with opals and rubies. she said they were popular back then and through the Vietnam War. mine are probably opals and sapphires in gold. ya pretty exciting stuff!!!

- i had the strangest dream, one of those that felt real. i had a child. very bizarre but hey i'm the most maternal right? bah!

- there was a traffic jam, in Marshall terms, at the McDonald's the 26th hahahaha ah small towns

- i was so tired of college money! it's a joke my dad and i have. seriously my tuition no longer needs to be paid ok?!

- and be careful what you pray for. God answered mine in a funny way. one morning i laid a tough situation in His hands using the famous "Thy will be done". and that night He answered it in a way i wasn't looking for.

one piece to the puzzle

2008-12-29T23:36:00.002-05:00

i have a larger one coming on my reflections and revelations from the trip overall but that must be saved for when i have more time, no headache, and after a better nights sleep. so here is one day's thought- the day we left.

Dec. 27th-
Two days after Christmas and the glistening warmth of the holiday is gone. The picturesque blanket of white is gone, replaced by cold, dark rain. The land is frigid and barren. It feeds and tears at my soul at the same time. Last night was the breaking point for me. I needed to go home. I've been away too long. I thought leaving would do me good; it only gave my mind time to run wild.
Finally this dreary day we set off for home. The weather befitting my melancholy mood. So many emotions and realizations have come this trip I anticipated to only be a simplistic jaunt to Bebe's (what I call my mom's mom).
I've been reading Psalms as usual and a fabulous book that God knew I needed. All speaking to my place in life now. But God still has His little ways to let me know He's there. It seems His conviction comes from His Word, a book like I'm reading, or a person's word's. His pure encouragement seems to come from things I see in nature or merely a pleasure read. But today i saw something that I hope was one of those "signs". Perhaps when I notice these things it is not a true and sudden revelation but a culmination of realizations God already gave me buried deep inside my heart and He finds instances to bring them together in front of my face. Or these are simply romantic notions of a girl with too active and analytical imagination. [And God is hysterical right now... as I try to unravel His mind]
No matter, here's what I saw:
Coming out of that small Midwestern town onto the highway, my languishing eyes gazed out the window to see the grey view mostly full of trees. Suddenly a strip of land more typical of the neighboring Kansas landscape of corn fields with small barns and scattered farm equipment and a house dotting the horizon occasionally. Of course the fields are empty and dead in the middle of Winter. As I took in this scene a patch of vacant field came into view. For some reason I completely identified with it: flat, cold, dead, resting, waiting for seed and cultivation. As I looked harder I could see the tip of some trees off in the distance. We traveled farther on and those peeking branches just out of reach began to grow in sight and they were joined by others. The tree line moved closer and close to the edge til my picture was completely changed to one of a nearly black forest. It was thick but then began to clear again to reveal a small field. At the end of that grassy patch, I suddenly faced the front of a thing you would think only seen in the movies or written about in novels - a tiny white country church with that pristine and perfectly proportioned steeple and those cozy white steps with rod iron railing leading to burgundy door. Yep all that your imagination conjures. There it was after my dead field and the dense forest. Then just behind peeked a small white home...

i have you

2008-12-15T00:06:00.006-05:00

i know i haven't blogged in forever... i'm sorry. but the world is back to... well not anywhere near normal but school is done thus one HUGE weight is off my shoulders. yes mr. creasman i know i passed them all but just passing is not acceptable!! the world is messy and my life is complex and painful. my emotions have failed me once more. i placed my hope in something that let me down and it hurts but i'm trying to learn (i'm trying to get the lesson God!) that i can not place my trust in men! only in Him.

but tonight is not a night for dwelling on my aching heart but a joyous occasion - an anniversary!!!! yes i am completely single but i have an anniversary today : ) today December 14th is the closest reconing that abby and i can come to when we actually became best friends. and it is a happy day. four years whooo! and tonight we celebrate our singleness! we've known each other for 7 years but it took 3 before we became what we are now. even today people think we're twins. haha "we're six months apart you do the math". i remember the conversation that probably sealed the deal at Gabriel's. ah Gabriel's, what good memories. those were the days yet i'm so glad my life has moved on. things come and go. that's how it happens... however i never want this to end - my whatever you call it i have with abby. she's not my friend. she's much more. she's not my sister because sibling love has the excuse of being family. there is a natural love that comes for your own flesh. but we are not related at all. yet she is like my sister. she truly is my other half. we have gone and still go through practically the same drama. we learn from each other's mistakes. we've never fought. we can understand any emotion of the others and more than likely we are going through the same thing at the same time... oh yea and we can finish each other's sentences. for years i went without a good friend let alone a best friend. now for 7 solid years i've had a good friend and for 4 years going i have a best friend and as time has gone on, i have the other half of my spirit - not merely a kindred spirit.

so today i am nearly 20 and can stand with the dearest person to me in the world and say "yes i'm single because i have you". we have our song and our crazy conversations in which neither or us need to finish a sentence. i love you my dear friend. happy anniversary!

2008-11-29T01:14:00.003-05:00

again God is so good to me!

To you I call, O LORD my Rock;

do not turn a deaf ear to me.

For if you remain silent,

I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
Hear my cry for mercy

as I call to you for help,

as I lift up my hands

toward your Most Holy Place.
Do not drag me away with the wicked,

with those who do evil,

who speak cordially with their neighbors

but harbor malice in their hearts.
Repay them for their deeds

and for their evil work;

repay them for what their hands have done

and bring back upon them what they deserve.
Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD

and what his hands have done,

he will tear them down

and never build them up again.
Praise be to the LORD,

for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy

and I will give thanks to him in song.
The LORD is the strength of his people,

a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
Save your people and bless your inheritance;

be their shepherd and carry them forever.

2008-11-29T01:10:00.002-05:00

i've loved this song for years... then i didn't know why

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Well maybe it's too far away
Maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
you can Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
When your education x-ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a thing
That I could not tell my fans
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
that you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
~ 3 doors down

the warrior silent

2008-11-26T00:54:00.002-05:00

so whatchu think? *cocking head* ; )

behold! there stands one
battling forces seen by none

from newborn light awakened
the struggle lasts til sun is taken

trained to arm with steel and chain
these now fail and quickly wane

but of these woes no utterance let
the weary heart and mind beget

facing battle, the heartbeat waits
the breath leaves quickly as to faint

knowing not how to charge this new quest
all must be risked and soul put to test

no enemy be slain before or behind
only thine own, fitted harness may find

you, o warrior, must hold true
til second strength comes anew

when relief heals, this not known
verily as better force beats thine own

inspired by the wonderous Ms. Dickinson's words:
"To fight aloud is very brave,
But gallanter, I know,
Who charge within the bosom,
The cavalry of woe."

here's one from a little while ago...

my fingers stray a bit longer
running over wool and braids
recalling why it affects me so much
and causes my heart to stay

God blows my mind!

2008-11-23T00:41:00.005-05:00

funny, the verses that i automatically want to give for encouragement i find other's view as depressing or too heavy - not uplifting. again my family and friends' case is proved... i have weird taste. her mother and i do! hahaha <3

just thinking about... if we're gonna church up that, we'd say "meditating". oo i sound spiritual now : P ANYWAY thinking about 2 Corithians 5:21. I LOVE THAT VERSE!

"He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."

so obviously we immediately think of Jesus dying on the cross - He was made sin for us who never knew it. now that's awesome, He would stoop to do that and experience an awful sensation He never had before, sin! but the part that really hits me is He did this, the perfect Son of God, God Himself, second Person of the Trinity, gave up this privilege and gave it to us. not only to us (giving a privilege) but in order that WE become the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD! i don't think you got it the first time. Jesus purposefully gave up His job, a being who was perfection and purity itself, to humans, the emitimy of filthiness and depravity, to represent His Father's righteous nature!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't know about you but that blows my mind. a spiritual bullet has been projected through my brain. and an amazing sense of awe and wonder and love and thankfulness and unworthiness swirls all together through that void now left by this new realization. our task is to showcase God's righteousness. it's all us now! we have the follow spot and the world is watching. and here comes the funny part. many i know would shudder with the sheer weight of this thought but it invigorates me. it gives me a focus and makes me want to push farther to be the embodiment of the Alpha and Omega's righteousness. it's an overwhelming responsibililty but it has been given to us. Jesus went through everything to give it up and i want to show Him His sacrifice was worth it. I never want Him to look at me and think, "shame, i died for her and she has little to show for it"! never never never!!! He trusted lil ol' me enough with His righteousness and i'm gonna make the most of it! no words can express my love for my - MY - Saviour!

by the way, the song i'm listening to now, pretty amazing - your guardian angel by red jumpsuit apparatus

When I see your smile

Tears run down my face I can't replace

And now that I'm strong I have figured out

How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul

And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Seasons are changing

And waves are crashing

And stars are falling all for us

Days grow longer and nights grow shorter

I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart

Please don't throw that away

Cuz I'm here for you

Please don't walk away and

Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will

Pull my strings just for a thrill

And I know I'll be okay

Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

because i can!

2008-11-20T00:33:00.004-05:00

i just finished my last paper for the semester and can relax a little... til finals come a knockin'. ewwww! so i'm staying up later than i should because... ready for it?... i can!!! hahahaa

i knew i wanted to say something just not sure what. some stuff has been happening but not really worth mentioning on here and God kinda removed the struggle in my heart YAY GOD! so don't need to worry about it anymore. on that point i'm just more resolved : ) so what to say...

well my mom and i had talked a little this evening about the whole school decision and the dance thing. understandably she's scared - it's risky. but i was trying to explain where i was coming from, how passionate i feel. it was so cute, she said maybe you are passionate but i've been so used to you being a passionless person it's taking a while for me to get used to it or recognize what it looks like in you. : ) love her! i also was telling her what i had talked about earlier that my whole like i had never ever gone out on a limb for anything, innocent or disobedient (you know what i mean!). so it was about the flippin' time! i'm almost 20! so even if this fizzles, who cares?! it's hopefully going to do some good, i want to spread a hunger for God not do devil worship or anything ; ) i know this is extreme - get over it! : ) but with my mom's logical concerns i started to ponder "is this what i should be doing?" "what the heck are you doing wesley?!" "you are nuts!" i had to force these from my head as i needed to finish writing about Candide's failure as a person, ah the joys of research papers... : P

then i was back here, done with the paper, yep sorry Candide(persona) is dumb and shallow, and wanting to blog. then i was reminded you need to read the psalm for the day thanks mr. mike for that! so psalm 20 was cracked, and God once again blew my mind. i literally wept. it spoke directly to my concerns from earlier. and somehow i am shocked at this every time, man God you can really do that? the psalm for today just happened to apply in a freakishly specific way! and i wonder at this when this same Dude created all life and just happens to make the plants grow and the cosmos keep turning - ooo get this:

scientist(apart from God) are STUPID! "the wisdom of man is foolishness to God". so in astronomy i'm taking this semester we just went over "dark matter". this, boys and girls, is actually nothing. in a galaxy stars should be revolving more slowly as you approach the edge of it according to newtonian physics and his gravitational laws but for "some unexplainable reason" they are moving faster. so they say that this dark matter is their giving it more mass and thus reason to revolve faster. plus galaxies are orbiting each other too fast also so there exists dark matter between them, because we can't explain what it making them spin faster than our laws say they should spin there must be something out there. yea how bout GOD! i can just see Him now sticking His finger in a galaxy and stirring it up as astronomers are making measurements and calculations. as they scratch their heads He giggles and when they brilliantly proclaim dark matter exists he guffaws.

ANYWAY so Psalm 20 is what i needed to the "T" our God is the real mind freak! ehh i'm getting all giddy, He's so cool! echem... : )

Psalm 20

1 May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob set you {securely} on high!

2 May He send you help from the sanctuary And support you from Zion!

3 May He remember all your meal offerings And find your burnt offering acceptable! Selah. 4 May He grant you your heart's desire And fulfill all your counsel!

5 We will sing for joy over your victory, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed; He will answer him from His holy heaven With the saving strength of His right hand.

7 Some {boast} in chariots and some in horses, But we will boast in the name of the LORD, our God.

8 They have bowed down and fallen, But we have risen and stood upright.

9 Save, O LORD; May the King answer us in the day we call.

tonight...

2008-11-07T00:04:00.010-05:00

tonight, tonight is a crossroads...

it was like any other night and nothing much has happened yet i am determined to make something of it!

first point of interest: watched 27 dresses for the first time tonight, my next favorite girlie movie. "I feel like my favorite love song was written about a sandwich." deliciousness : ) yet it was deep... to me. don't laugh. it will tie in later. no matter these lines and ideas were running around my head tonight.

tonight was a night of refreshment and introspection. i had been on a spiritual high then i have been feeling some of my fervor slip. i was devastate. i longed for His closeness again. i have been grappling helplessly to get it back. tonight i ran through some realizations that i feel could catapult me back on the road.

tonight is a night of truth and transparency! i had just watched an adorable chick flick so of course it had my lil girl heart all aflutter and i walked onto my driveway taking the recycle out (romantic i know) and stepped into that place only cool weather and the clear night sky can take me along with my foolishly female and sentimental heart. the night air was refreshing and invigorating. i looked up into the deep blackness that was filled with little pin-pricks letting the heaven's light peak through and there was the most glorious thing in the sky: the moon. it was so bright a ring of white light could be seen around it. anne's words came to mind, "look at the moon! the ancients said that if two lovers walked underneath a moon like this they would be bonded in love forever. let's just let it soak into our souls." i'm sure i butchered that but it has the essence. such a romantic line and not just "romantic" but ideal, transcendental. of course the disheartening realization struck me that there is no lover here to bond with and no idea of one anytime soon. ironically, i then noticed that tonight was a half moon. hmm... : ) the other half of the moon is out there probably... hopefully. a line from the movie came to me about jane saying, "someday, it will be my turn." she wouldn't have to help others and be happy for THEIR day but it could be her turn... someday.

i stood there in the cool night air reveling in the euphoric glow of that silvery orb, yet again i stood there in bitter sweetness. as i was called back in, not wanting to leave this beautiful melancholy, i felt the usual dissatisfaction. i was alone again but not wanting it any other way. hating my ambivalent nature yet certain in the necessity of my situation when it struck me. the melding of these two ideas must occur! jane was wishing for relying on her someday but in the meantime she was assisting in the enhancement of others joy. my half moon is here and gives me comfort but will remain a half moon until God sees fit. so why should i be complaining? silence. yes silence, there is no response!

one more time He is teaching me to recognize and follow His touch. my emotions are valid, as a dear friend says i may never get over them, but there is nothing i can do to change my situation - nothing i want to do to change it. so i wait and enjoy the ring around my partial moon and rejoice in other's full moons whatever those moons are for each one. i must persist. i want to be able to hold my head high among my fellow saints at the end of days and be able to say of myself "i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith"!

are you kidding me?

2008-11-02T22:09:00.002-05:00

anybody who wants to live in this country should shudder at this. if you like this point of view, my opinion is: get out of America and form your own little fairy land with him where you can be "citizens of the world".

**The following is a narrative taken from Sunday Morning's televised 'Meet The Press'. and the author is employed by none other than the Washington Post!! Yeah......the Washington Post of New York and Los Angeles Times fame!! Must say that I'm dually impressed..................From Sunday's Televised 'Meet the Press' Senator Obama was askedabout his stance on the American Flag.Obama Explains National Anthem StanceSun, 07 Sept. 2008 11:48:04 EST, General Bill Ginn' USAF (ret.) asked Obamato explain why he doesn't follow protocol when the National Anthem is played.The General also stated to the Senator that according to the United States Code,Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171... During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform are expected to stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart.At the very least, 'Stand and Face It'Senator Obama Live on Sunday states,'As I've said about the flag pin, I don't want to be perceived as taking sides, Obama said. 'There are a lot of people in the world to whom the American flag is a symbol of oppression. And the anthem itself conveys a war-like message. You know, the bombs bursting in air and all. It should be swapped for something less parochial and less bellicose. I like the song 'I'd Like To Teach the World To Sing.' If that were our anthem, then I might salute it.'We should consider to reinvent our National Anthem as well as to redesign our Flag to better offer our enemies hope and love. It's my intention, if elected, to disarm America to the level of acceptance to our Middle East Brethren. If we as a Nation of warring people, should conduct ourselves as the nations of Islam, whereas peace prevails. Perhaps a state or period of mutual concord between our governments. When I become President, I will seek a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity, and a freedom from disquieting oppressive thoughts. We as a Nation have placed upon the nations of Islam an unfair injustice. My wife disrespects the Flag for many personal reasons.Together she and I have attended several flag burning ceremonies in the past, many years ago. She has her views and I have mine'. Of course now, I have found myself about to become the President of the United States and I have put aside my hatred. I will use my power to bring CHANGE to this Nation, and offer the people a new path of hope. My wife and I look forward to becoming our Country's First Family. Indeed, CHANGE is about to overwhelm the United States of America .WHAAAAAAAT in the world !!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right. This could possibly be our next President. I, for one, am speechless.Dale Lindsborg ,Washington Post**

was...

2008-10-30T01:16:00.002-04:00

i was going to try and sleep but...
... i'm weary. i need a spiritual refresher. God what's the point in all this? what good will you bring about from all this. dont mistake me life isn't horrible, just going through a moment of weakness.
*a couple minutes later*
taking a suggestion to read the chapter of psalm that is the same day of the month:
Psalm 30, God has not lost his sense of humor

"I will extol You O Lord for You have lifted me up
And have not let my enemies rejoice over me
O Lord my God
I cried to You for help, and You healed me.
O Lord You have brought up my soul from Sheol;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down ot the pit.
Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones,
And give thanks to His holy name.
For HIs anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning.
Now as for me, I said in my prosperity,
'I will never be moved.'
O Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain ot stand strong;
You hid Your face, I was dismayed.
To You, O Lord, I called,
And ot the Lord I made supplication:
'What profit is there in mh blood, if i go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?
Hear O Lord and be gracious to me;
O Lord, be my helper'
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praises to You and not to be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever"!!!

o Lord renew my heart, renew my mind!!!

nothing major

2008-10-23T00:30:00.000-04:00

just felt like saying hello : )

~ God is continuing to make His presence real to me. He i believe is affirming His plans, my wishes (see older post haha), doors might be opening for them, at least two of the three. the third, who knows, and at this point - who cares!!

~ i had a defining moment riding home... a couple night ago not quite sure when. but one of those late night by yourself rides where it's just you and God. i was wrapped in some favorite worship music and it hit me "if i die right now, if i crashed into something, i don't care one bit!" i have struggled before with the fact that if someone said if you could go to heaven right now would you? truthfully i'd have to say no. my flesh clung to too many things here that i was afraid i'd miss. but a couple of nights ago i felt it in my bones that "to live is Christ but to die is gain"!!! it was real it was true

~ kids make me laugh from the standpoint that a couple of weeks ago i came home thinking they are adorable and i can't wait to try my hand at motherhood. today i came home thinking kids are the craziest things. i wasn't in a sick em mood but not all lovey dovey. i still want them, just the changing mood made me laugh. my own fickleness

~ funny today being a little jesus almost got me killed, not in the way most would think. i just have to laugh at myself (and i can because i'm a girl ; )) i was listening to third day. my favorite group to worship to, and i had the impulse to lift my hands, and i did for a split second then it hit me... i'm driving. haha i'm such a moron but i know He loves me for my weirdness. i feel like i'm Jesus' "weird al yankovic" if that makes any sense haha o wow it's late

~ i had another small but amazing blessing on the way home. driving the 417 (i love it no one is there and very little man made stuff to see) right smack dab in front of me was the most amazing scene. the sun was just behind a group of clouds and it made the edges glow the most spectacular oranges and purples and pinks. above you could actually see whitish rays of light coming off the cloud. it looked like what only exists in artists minds. well it was in one Artist's mind today. staring at it i could picture what it could look like when the Lord of lords King of kings Very God of very gods appears in the sky to take away His bride and when He will return with His holy ones, us, to avenge the souls of the slain and to establish His righteous reign over all the earth. *sigh*

~ i want to start a Bible study badly. i'm looking at one that focuses on God's covenants He makes with us. it's called... Covenant...

~ don't know what school holds for the future but with all the complaining i do i am loving what i'm learning. thank you, sir, you are right. i admit it. that class has changed my life.

delicious autumn!

2008-10-19T22:42:00.000-04:00

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." - George Eliot

dear Mr. Eliot understands me!

it always happens every year - my teens that is - my mood automatically changes when fall comes. it has been fairly hot and not too fallish until today. and you know what? i new it was cooler as soon as i opened my eyes. i still was in my bed under my five thick covers (my parents think i'm crazy and roast but i like it) in my room with a closed door and a think curtain. yes i like a cave like feel to sleep. but as soon as my senses were awake, i knew.

there is a smell about fall, even in boring pretend fall florida. there's a purity in the air it smells devoid of odor yet it's sweeter. i can't explain it. but i know that smell. i may not be able to describe it or recreate it but as soon as true fall air is here i know it. beyond the smell is something else even more intangible. fall feels amazing. spring can be fun, you feel like skipping, or even coquettish. summer is heavy which can sometimes feel oppressive or suffocating. winter always will be associated with christmas therefore it feel jovial and wonderfully childlike, cheery. but fall, fall awakens some deep well of emotion in me. i don't even know how to make anyone understand. i just feel alive. spring is always associated with growth. but in my case i feel my time is fall. in that pure sweet air and the grass is cool and crisp, the sun is a comforting amber always just setting, the magic hour. nature has that glow as if it's in love. and i have to smile at it like someone would when they see a couple sharing in complete happiness.

just tonight walking out on that beautiful scene with the glowing orb of amber above, illuminating the field of grass and the trees, oh the trees, a thought came and couldn't help but escape my lips: "oh this is God's weather". it's true, i feel closer to God in the fall. He feels nearer (is that even a word, well i like it). why i wonder does He feel this way? here on earth hug closer to ourselves, jip our jackets all the way up, even huddle closer to friends to talk, to keep warm. so are we humans try to stay warm does God come closer to keep our spirits warm? theologically i know this is nonsense but ideologically it like it.

"Autumn is the eternal corrective. It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance. What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?- Hal Borland

that's how i felt in that field tonight between those two trees, one carries fun memories of climbing. how can i stand here and not see the span of my world?! it was like what they like to call a divine appointment. i feel like this time in my life is my time. and i don't mean that like i can horde it selfishly because i don't have ties of family and job, etc. i mean that have i not been placed here for such a time as this? this is my time to do awesome works for God BECAUSE i don't have those ties. i am on fire for Him and i want to spread that fire on to others. i want to be God's hands and feet, i want to see Him do great things that i can be apart of. i want to be used by Him. now do you see what fall does to me? but it's not just the season of weather. i believe this is a season of life, a new one, i am entering and i am ecstatic! i feel God has prepared me for... something, and i can't wait to find out!!

"Youth is like spring, an over praised season more remarkable for biting winds than genial breezes. Autumn is the mellower season,and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits." - Samuel Butler

Here it is, the thought that brings it all together. i feel like i have just finished a spring season, a youthful season, learning, falling and skinning my knees. but i got up and began walking again, therefore gaining strength and knowledge. things have been taken from me that defined my whole life for years but i am coming to grips with that. but the flower of youth has passed and the maturing of fruit is growing. its a bittersweet time. for my young stage i feel like these are the twilight years before i FINALLY put them down and enter full fledged adulthood: serious job, family, children of my own, all that jazz. i know some of you might be confused: twilight years? youth has passed? well yes and no. here and now a part of youth has passed and therefore an older phase has entered. but when i truly am in my middle ages or senior years this will still be looked on as youth. it makes sense to me.

fall is here and it is doing wonderful things!

so i should be studying...

2008-10-15T23:00:00.000-04:00

haha i've got so much homework it's not even funny but i had a revelation today driving home and i'm afraid if i don't get it all out it's going to *fpt* whisk away from my brain by the breeze or sometimes gust, even tornado, of other thoughts and obligations. so "la" to school for now...

as i've gotten older and began coming into the age of reasoned, deep conversations with my peers and superiors, a word often was tossed around: goals. it always made me quiver or roll my eyes, depending on my mood, who was presenting, or how it was presented. i always thought and to a degree still do think that some people are too goal driven. (mind you this is just my opinion, NOT claiming that it's gospel) i guess this stems from a thread in the fabric of my make up on how i exert myself. simply put, where i believe i have a fighting chance of "placing" or winning - i throw myself into it. if i see no hope for any gain, i don't. now this analogy breaks down yes because some things i have to do no matter what or God has called me to things, but in those grey areas this holds fairly true.

i have gotten so much flack about this position: that i'm lazy, or unassertive, not... goal driven. "you need goals", so many people have told me. and when i would meekly reply that i don't have many concrete one's i would face many a disparaging eye. i don't believe, overall, that those negative assertions are correct. of course i have my bad qualities, TOO many, and those could fall under that heading. yet, i've concluded that my stance is one of a super rationalist, of which i associate myself. anyway...

but i always felt bad, or weird, or something was wrong with me because i had no goals to speak of. as time has gone on i've labored to contrive a few. but my seasons of life i speculate are showing them for what they are - contrived. not true, not quite for me, not of God. so i was and am left with nothing again. i had no goals, i have none. what do i do now? i feel like a reverse deist. instead of God winding up the clock and watching it work itself down, God's trying to wind but my cogs have no direction or impetus to go. ouch!

at the beginning of this semester i has a potentially life changing idea... but it again left me in a place where what contrived goals i had were stripped from me and i was left disrobed of goals. not cool! as the first few weeks of school wore on some wishes bubbled up, but i just tossed them in the wish bin, proverbial of course. i wish i had a wish bin. haha sounds like something that would be covered with glitter and everytime a "wish" (of course they aren't tangible, just airy imaginative substances) was thrown in a fairy-like tune would whistle by. hmm me like, birthday present? haha wow

SO, after talking a tad about one of these goals over dinner, it was racing around my noggin on the ride home. slowly the other two popped up, and it hit me "why, these are goals! and i will make them goals and treat them as such!". i have goals yay. no kidding. they are placed in my heart, i feel and hope by God, some have been there eons. they just needed time to develop. so can it be argued that i've had goals all along i just didn't know it? or i hadn't til now and just needed time to grow into the "having goals in life" stage. my mom will tell you story after story of my childhood track record. "she was always about six months behind. but once she got there she was up with the rest of them". according to baby books i was six months late to walk. i couldn't snap when my friends could, whistle, ride a bike; i waited til the month after my 15th birthday to get my permit, and more than six months after my 16th to become a driver. tons of other example could be given, normal stuff took me a little longer but all these things i've got now like i never had a delay... well maybe the walking thing is in question ; ). this theory also dips into more substantial subjects in my life and therefore makes me wonder, did i just need time for me - ME not someone else telling me, but me hearing my own inner voice, rather the voice of God - to see my goals? time will tell if these will come true. it is my dearest wish that it is so. hopefully within the next... o say five years, i will be listening to hear God whisper new goals to me.

i love third day!

2008-10-15T12:15:00.000-04:00

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain

Now I am left alone and I am broken

Trying to find my way

Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that you are holding all the answers

I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances

On roads that never seem

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying to find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without you

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding

That I am lost again

Tell me when this road will ever end

I don't know where I can turn

Tell me, when will I learn

Won't you show me where I need to go

Let me follow your lead

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

...like some people believe in fairytales

2008-10-13T00:16:00.000-04:00

these songs are amazing and so is the movie. even though so many other view points and lessons can be pulled from the movie the love story always floors me. this is what it should look like...

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I’ll find you

What is love and what’s it for

I’m stuck outside an open door

And no one’s come to get me yet

I never got a second bet

I’m welcomed to your fantasy

If only she was make-believe

Oh what is love and what’s it for?

Oh take me back and do me more

Ooh take me back and do me more

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, Confused

I’ll find you

Once you’re here you’re never gone

Oh, once you’re here you’re never gone

I fall from in out the cold

A piece of me that I can’t hold

I love you as I loose you more

I break outside this open door

Catch me as I wash away

Oh, catch me as I wash away

Ooh, catch me as I wash away

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose,I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I’ll find you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight the sky above

Reminds me of you, love

Walking through wintertime

Where the stars all shine

The angel on the stairs

Will tell you I was there

Under the front porch light

On a mystery night

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

The neon lights in bars

And headlights from the cars

Have started a symphony

Inside of me

The things I left behind

Have melted in my mind

And now there's a purity

Inside of me

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

a breath of fresh air...

2008-10-11T22:32:00.000-04:00

the last week has been tough and bizarre almost beyond imagining. after contemplation and a melt down and a metaphorical kick in the pants from my mom : ) i see what the issues have been. and not that the "problems" have disappeared but i have a refreshed outlook with which to face them.

my own flesh has had a death grip on me. i was drowning in what isn't and can't be now. God hasn't gotten me there yet. He has other things apparently first. but i wasn't satisfied with that. i kicked and screamed mentally which caused a nasty attitude and depression for a couple of days... not pretty. and i still struggle. and i will still struggle but my God is mighty to save!

i wanted and still can't wait to get out of here. get away from everything around me now. slough off the old dead and ugly, and feel the cleansing freshness of new. but i can't "run from my problems, i have to face them"... and i do... nearly every day. and praise Him from whom all blessings flow i feel like i can again. here are some of the things He's been revealing to me that has refreshed my spirit. i pray it will do the same for you:

with God not "answering" to my satisfaction i grew fretful, angry, resentful even. but He showed me two of my favorite verses are right next to each other

Psalm 37:3-4 "Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

my duty now is to dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. there is something to be learned here from staying in the same ol' place that causes daily angst and to some degree pain, just any that i cause myself (that sounds masochistic, i mean emotionally) anyway! and if He holds true to His promises He will give me the desires of my heart, the one's He has placed there. i pray these dreams of mine are His.

another revelation came as i stumbled across some verses and teaching. part of my problem is i feel God is silent. He isn't speaking merely because He isn't giving me what i'm pitching a fit for, which of course is an awesome way to persuade God, HA! but i loved what oswald chambers has to say about silence:

"...His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible -- with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you silence, then praise Him... Time is nothing to God."

this is so comforting but maybe another view of His silence is that i have just been screaming too loudly so He has stopped talking til i am through. God is a gentleman, He won't go where He isn't wanted, as Ruth Graham Bell would say. but something i know i can count on is His pure unadulterated Word:

Lamentations 3:25-28, 31-32 it's long but bear with me it's so good!

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,

To the person who seeks Him.

It is good that he waits SILENTLY

For the salvation of the Lord.

It is good for a man that he should bear

The yoke in his youth

Let him sit alone and be silent

Since He has laid it on him.

For the Lord will not reject forever,

For if He causes grief,

Then He will have compassion

According to His abundant lovingkindness."

Exodus 14:13 "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today..."

AMEN! this verse is what keeps my christian blood pumpin'. it's like an inspiring message to the troops before heading into battle. "this day we stand and fight"!!!! hehe i had to get one in ya know ; )

all these verses make me want to do the will of the Father. i want to make Him proud, not just because He will reward me but just because. i can't quite explain it. i just want to. maybe because He is so good i am inspired to try to repay Him, though i can never come close. but like a child can never measure up to what a parent does for them they simply do what will please Him. i want to be a good daughter.

and so after all these meditations on His wonderful word i leave you with these final verses, my heart's cry for myself and you as well:

Lamentations 5:21

"Restore us to You, O Lord, that we may be restored

Renew our days as of old"

Psalm 24:3-6

"Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord?

And who may stand in His holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart,

Who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood

And has not sworn deceitfully.

He shall receive a blessing from the Lord

And righteousness from the God of his salvation.

This is the generation of those who seek Him,

Who seek Your face -- even Jacob."

rise up my generation and cleanse your hands, purify your hearts and draw close to God! (James 4:8)

ok...

2008-10-01T22:47:00.000-04:00

now that i had my temper tantrum with the last post so to speak i can be a little more positive...

life is weighing me down, but i know why and it gives me some comfort: i still have distances unmeasurable ahead of me where i can draw closer to my Saviour. and He is that. He saves me from the lowest low.

Psalm 55:16 "As for me, I shall call upon God,

And the Lord will save me."

Hebrews 7:25 "Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him"

i have so much life to live and God will fill it with His purpose for me specifically. instead of doing what i have done: getting tripped up over life's little dissappointments, i must keep focused on my Lord's plans for me for His glory - not mine! each day, each minute, each second should be used for Him.

one of my favorite quotes of all:

Mr. Magorium: "37 seconds"

Molly: "Great. Well done. Now we wait."

Mr. Magorium: "No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime."

i never want to view the smallest amount of time time to waste and wait. waiting is waste. each moment has a purpose. each moment i live, i live to carry out the will of my Father. i was crafted for His glory and He will use me as another shade in His portrait of the world.

2008-10-01T21:48:00.000-04:00

hello my pretties,

i keep you tucked away o so secretly don't i? in the spare rooms of my heart you're kept: packed tightly, warm and safe. i take great pains to not let anything touch you save for me. but when i attempt to pull you out in my free time you get a little heavier each time. you burn me a little more and bite a little harder. still i let you hurt me. why do i do that? you don't give anything positive back. by no means is it a symbiotic relationship. yet i cling to you, my torturers. someday you may be my executioners. i trick myself into thinking that is impossible, but is it? you are my treasures and precious to me. i give you much of myself... too much. today i've pulled you out of my heart to examine you every which way, like jewels. i look at you like i'm staring at pictures and reliving old memories. you just have not crystallized and those memories are yet to be made. still i play with you like you are all real: in the sun, under the moon, over my books, on my pillow, through my studies, and around my work. every night i must leave you my dears to the conscious world as i sleep. but helplessly i am visited by you now in the land of unconsciousness also. therefore now of my own free will i put you back in your haven in my heart, but i know you'll come to me soon as you have before and will again. so goodnight my dreams.

i wish i had more time...

2008-09-29T11:57:00.001-04:00

... to say all that is on my heart and in my head. this time in life is so full and ever changing and unpredictable. my opinions are like clay on so many levels and that's frightening. i am impressionable and pliable. people's actions and opinions and and... just being them makes me change my mind a million times. i'm so ready for solidity and establishment... but then again am i? i'm so young, yet i've aged so quickly

"a fragile frame aged with misery and when our eyes meet i know you see"

does anyone else besides one look into my eyes and even see a glimmer of the reality that is swirling inside my head. i wonder sometimes and when it happens it scares me. yet i ache for it at the same time. do you really see me when you look into these steely blue eyes.

i think it is quite appropriate that my eyes are steel blue don't you? read into that what you will...

my attempt at poetry after a 2 year hiatus... go easy

2008-09-24T11:24:00.000-04:00

the heart yearns

thinking its goal attainable

the heart burns

its desire ever there

the heart churns

its aim nearly viable

the heart turns

from painful rejections stare

to die for love, what could be more glorious?

2008-09-14T00:54:00.000-04:00

"I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.
I had a keeper, he helped me warn the ships at sea.
We had grown closer, 'till his joy meant everything to me.
And he was to marry, a girl who shone with beauty and light.
And they loved each other, and with me watched the sunsets into night. And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.
She'd had to leave us, my keeper he prayed for a safe return.
But when the night came, the weather to a raging storm had turned.
He watched her ship fight, but in vain against the wild and terrible wave.
In me so helpless, dashed against the rock she met her end.
Then on the next day, my keeper found her washed up on the SHORE.
He kissed her cold face, that they'd be together soon he'd swore.
I saw him crying, watched as he buried her in the sand.
And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.
I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
And though I am empty, I still warn the sailors on their way."

...to die for love, what could be more glorious?

1 John 3:16 "We know love by this: Jesus laid down His life for us"

To die once and for all for love, what could be more glorious?

Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me."

To die daily for love, what could be more glorious?

you must train

2008-09-04T20:52:00.000-04:00

a path looms before: dark, long, unclear. tear filled eyes strain to see as far ahead as can be. impossible. simply impossible. only a few feet are perceptible. hot tears create paths down stinging cheeks and an aching brain attempts to sustain a new pain. a couple passionless steps are executed. feet shuffle the earth more to see the leaves rustle and fly than to move along this foreboding road. back and forth, side to side; very little onward and upward. the sun seems to be in a continual state of setting, just sending it's last rays of searing orange and suffocating red over the horizon. the air is thick and the wind only disorients rather than refreshes. the trees look black and dead, dangerous even. who knows what life lies beyond. "no." another step can't be hazarded. no, that's wrong. it must be. this way must be traveled. muscles strain to pick up to leadened feet. tripping, plodding, stumbling, a few more feet gain. one long inhale is chanced. the air hurts to press into these tired lungs. this is crazy, this path is laid out ahead and it will be overtaken! the aching brain no longer aches but slips into a mad state. these steps are no longer slow and heavy-laden, they are short, staccato, frenzied. laughter and shrieks akin to insanity escape the exhausted lungs. they slow as do the steps when fatigue finally overtakes them. mindless shuffles resume. "no, no, no." that seems to be the only word these vocal chords can utter. "no!" sobs erupt from the spent body. this is the breaking point.

"no longer! i can't do this any longer!" i cry. my chest heaves, desperate for air. my whole being is in violent convulsions. my hands sweat and wring each other as if some answer could be derived from their writhing. tears come so hard i feel sick. "no, no." i pull at my hair and skin. "why?!" i scream to the sky. "why!" my chest hurts. "i know what you want of me but i can't seem to give it. why?" i trip further down the way, "you've told me how, but i still fail. you give me all that is required, and i return naught. you are everything to me, and what am i to you? you say i'm more but i don't ever, ever live up to your image of me." i pant, having expended near all of me. a few more clumsy steps mark the ground before the last. no more, no more; i drop heavily to my knees muttering as i go, "no, no, i can't... trust you."

my head hangs heavy as my mind tries so hard to make some sense of what i had just done. that's it. time to be finished with it all. and in that ominous nature, the sun depressingly lingering as if to say "your last chance is spent; you are finished", my limp torso swaying in the thick breeze. in one final burst of movement, i raise my eyes to the burnt heavens with watery eyes and one last sound escapes my quivering lips, "forgive me". i drop my head back as if to offer my throat to the executioner. my brain slows, waiting for the sweep of the axe. peace, knowing that it will all be over soon. suddenly the distant sun, the dead trees, the blackness isn't so frightening, for it can no longer harm me. i wait. but still i am in the middle of that terrible path. my brain awakens from it's resolved slumber. "what? no! you were supposed to end it." "but i can't stay like this. i'm not worthy. you've never given me a reason not to trust you, but i still can't let go." my frenzied state returns, i turn in circles looking for answers. i feel so dirty, so unworthy. these clothes, these vain, stifling clothes. i claw at them as they shred around my limbs. "you can't leave me like this." no, i keep tearing at myself, at the air, at anything. no, even my skin is unclean, i pick up leaves and stones. i scratch my arms. i must get clean somehow. my nails bite through my skin as blood warms my cold surface. my hair falls down my sides. i must strip it all away. "if you won't do it, i will!" tears and blood mingle on my ravaged edifice. defeated sobs echo in my chest. i continue to shriek and tear. change must come somehow.

my arms are tangled in front of me, crazed. in the middle of my screams and destruction, i now can't move. my paralyzed mind can't grasp why. "sh, sh." commanding arms are wrapped around me, preventing me from moving. established in my pattern i try to continue my draconian cleansing. a low whisper slips in my ear, "sh, no dear one, no." "but... i... have to", i force out through sobs. the arms from behind lock tighter around me. "no, little one, you don't have to." my muscles give in to my captor; my head drops back on his shoulder and my voice raises in long sorrowful moans. but my brain had not given up, "I - DO - NOT - DESERVE - YOU" i faintly enunciate thinking my firmness would change his mind. "i don't care, i still love you. and you know that." a sob of understanding ripples through my body, "my mind might but somehow my heart can't accept it... i can't trust you. and i hate myself for it." his grip tightens now to reassure not to restrain. "i'm sorry for that, beloved. i know, though, i know you don't trust me like you should. i made you." a cynical chuckle escapes me. "but how else do you think you can learn to trust me but continuing on that path i've laid before you. you admit your mind understands, now just train your heart to do the same. train it. train. you must train your heart, my darling."

he turns me and raises my chin to meet his eyes. as my gaze meets his, i'm overwhelmed; i feel i'm home. "why did i ever want to go anywhere else?" he laughs at my unguarded affection. "if you want to stay..." he slowly moves from me, walking backwards, further down the path. his eyes bore into mine, "... then stay here." his beautiful stare dazzles me. and tears of joy flood my eyes. laughter of pure mirth bubbles up from within. "yes, yes, my truth." at this new name he smiles but raises a quizzical eyebrow. "you are my truth. i love the truth." his smile breaks into a beaming grin and the most wonder laugh of a man echoes through the forest. as it touches the place, the breeze lightens and refreshes me. the trees turn green and the leaves grow crisp and cool. and suddenly the sun rises with new hues of promise; promising life all found in his eyes, brought along his path for me. "i must train my heart... to trust you." my first step out of my crazed state is taken. it nearly echoes with the weight of sheer resolution. "... and so i train."

another profound song... haha

2008-09-04T20:36:00.000-04:00

get tired of them? it never ceases to amaze me how i'm listening to a song i've heard a million times when suddenly it speaks to me and where i am right here and now...

I'm sorry

I don't mean to remember

It's true that I dream less often

I'm not ashamed

Of that long December

Your hand's coming down again

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

I'm falling

I'm shedding my skin

But it's not time I'm told

I am aware

Of what you mean by then

I'm only ten years old

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

My scars are yours today

This story ends so good

I love you and I understand

That you stood where I stood

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

just some jumbled thoughts...

2008-07-28T23:09:00.000-04:00

driving home from work the other day i was pondering the conundrum of how we can never see ourselves through another's eyes. we can never see our mannerisms natural and impromptu. never shall we hear our voices in another's ears. the closest we can get it looking in a mirror, which is just looking at another thing that happens to reflect our image. but we can never see ourselves without using OUR eyes that happened to be tied to our consciousness and subconscious perception of our image. this i'm sure influences what we see greatly. and how we move in front of a mirror can never be termed at ease and unrehearsed. admit it! you know it's true. and one evening years ago, my father revealed a thing to me that has left me sitting on prickles ever since. i pointed out to him that when i hear my voice on the answering machine, for instance, i sound so different than when i hear myself talk. i didn't like the first example. like the logical man he is and of course "daddy knows best", he cast a terrible light on the truth that what i hear in my own ears results from my voice resonating in my own body. it's not what anyone else hears. therefore, what i hear on the answering machine is what others hear. i am profoundly sorry world!

as all these rambling lines of thought toppled between my ears, i came to the conclusion: we can never ever know ourselves completely because there is that part of us as i just laid out above that others will always have and we never will. others can use their five senses on us like we are simply not able to do. then an sense of injustice rose in me. "why?" why can't we know ourselves completely. i don't feel like my own person. like some of my privacy has been stolen. i just heard of a secret that i am not allowed to listen to. how dare that happen! again "why?"! but then God's nature came to mind. how He is mysterious. some things we can never figure out. but i believe these parts of Him have been placed here for us to seek out. this withstanding, and we acknowledge the fact that we are made in His image; why shouldn't we have mysteries? some things we will spend our whole lives seeking out but never fully grasping. no don't be discouraged. i'm not. it's not about finding the answers but the fact that we do try to seek them out. that doesn't sound quite hallmarkish, forgive me. the hour is late and i'm reverting to triteness.

one final revelation: maybe another reason we aren't allowed to see ourselves wholly is because in that complete view to our feeble human minds the weight would be too much. and by weight i refer to the overwhelming sight of our good points: beauty, grace, lovely eye, keen mind, quick wit. and the unbearable backhand of our faults. He knows what we can handle. we humans are altogether too beautiful and hideous simultaneously.

i need to live again

2008-07-12T22:12:00.000-04:00

i read his love letters to me, i talk about him with others, i sing about him, i sing to him. i feel his hand guide me, he gives me everything i need. are my thoughts turned toward him are of adoration and love. but how do i express this love? how can i give back just a morsel of the undying love he gives to me. i smile, i sway, i even lift my hands. my heart burns within me, the fire deep down sears my bones. i feel light-headed and quietly giggle at the secret delight that only he and i share at this moment.

and yet... and yet he makes me smile and laugh. i'm not making him smile. well i might give him a small smile but i want him to jump up and down, dance around screaming, "she loves me, she loves me!". but how do i do this? i do what makes me feel closest to him. and what is that? when my soul moves to worship, my body longs to as well. however mainstream christendom does not accept this as a sunday morning norm. some even raise an eyebrow at uplifted hands. but to completely feel my Love's complete presence and happiness and feel totally happy in Him i must move. i feel immersed in the Savior's arm to the fullest extent only when i am dancing.

i long to use myself as a vessel again. to worship God in my own personal form of worship. singing in church is wonderful but only do i feel i have stretched to my full worship potential when i dance worship not just sing it. i tell a story to others or just back to God through my body. and when i do i feel His good pleasure. when i dance for Him i feel completely exposed but so exposed that i can't be hurt because He totally consumes me, covers me, and therefore protects me.

if you haven't guessed, this is slightly uncommon. most people don't really get it. even if i explain and they say they understand, no one really can unless they experience it themselves. that's why my soul feels so refreshed when i can fellowship with the few who do understand this. : ) this part of my life is small, hidden, and private. it's relieving to share it once in awhile with the select group who i know feel the same way. bottom line: i feel smothered not being able to dance and not dance for God. it's my way to breath, clear my head, give something back to God and put a smile on His face. it's my way to feel alive. to know i exist. i need to feel alive again!

more to come...

2008-07-12T01:04:00.000-04:00

i want to write so much more but it's too late now and i must exercise SOME self restraint... so hopefully tomorrow night i can let loose! but i just wanted to say a little something this evening. i love my life right now. that sounds nutty i know and it's not the usual "i love it" because everything is going my way. not at all! but i love it because God has grown me up in so many areas and revealed Himself to me even more. He is more real to me than ever before and i love what i am seeing. the more i see of Him the more i fall in love. i am so happy right now at this inexplicable peace and excitement for anything and everything He might send my way. "here i am, send me" is my cry. i will do it all for You. anything you ask me i am ready! i love my God. how can anybody get through this life without Him?!!! He makes me complete. He completely understands me, plans my life for what is best for me and what will grow me up as a person. and He loves me no matter what. how often do we get that from humanity. almost never! but whatever i do, He will always love me for me.

i'll love you forever!

2008-07-05T22:43:00.000-04:00

so you (abby) dedicated this a while ago. but i never forgot it. i love it and i love you. i thought i should share it with... the void haha.

your baby blues

so full of wonder

your curley cues

your contagious smile

and as i watch

you start to grow up

all I can do is hold you tight knowing

clouds will rage and storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

story books are full of fairy tales

of kings and queens and the bluest skies

My heart is torn just in knowing

you'll someday see the truth from lies

when the clouds will rage and

storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

Castles, they might crumble

dreams may not come true

but you are never all alone

'cause I will always

always love you

when the clouds will rage

and storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

in my arms

"... so i can feel the wind on my face"

2008-07-03T23:11:00.001-04:00

i don't know why. it is the middle of summer. humidity reigns supreme now and home is dry and stagnant but my thoughts are drifting to that cool crisp fall wind. the kind that forces you to inhale and at first shocks your lungs at its strength and coolness. but in turn it invigorates you. the kind that blows so hard at your back it pushes you a little further down your path. the kind that makes nature bow to it and compels you turn into it to keep your hair out of your eyes. the awesome power of wind. the majesty and intricacy of it.

i long to be the wind. just as anderson made ariel sacrifice herself and become sea foam i long to vanish from this homo sapien realm and dissipate into the gale that brushes my brothers' and sisters' cheeks.

why you ask should i desire such an odd transformation? can't you see?! the wind blows around the whole earth. what gust pushes us today, did just the same in Romania yesterday. someone else on the other side of the globe was surrounded by the same presence as i am today. wind is universal. it sees no boundaries or distinctions. it knows no limits on earth. and no one on earth can limit it. it is free. but know, i do not desire to be thus changed for ultimate freedom. no no. just the reverse. i want to be the wind to be controlled. true, no human can contain it but something higher does. it has no control over where it will blow next. only the God of the Skies twists its mass where He wills. it doesn't know where it will blow and it doesn't care. it doesn't know how forceful it will burst in or ask why it's not softer or harder.

i do not long to be this element because it has no memory or identity. on the contrary! it has a past. everywhere is passes through, the people and animals lift their faces and sniff the zephyr for what it carries in it. the wind brings with it the mark of where it has last been: the mysterious spice of the east, or the romantic perfume of the continent, or the pure ice of the north. it tells each and everyone the story of its journey of whence it has just come. however, it tells only of where it has presently been. it can't tell the stories of long past. has it forgotten the sites and smells of places far away in it's travel or just become mute? still the change is the same. the wind has a past but only for a short time can it tell it.

moreover, it has no planned future. it does not chart and plan its next route. only its Creator can do this. and it is not able to bulk at its heading. only does it willingly comply to its direction. and bring its effect either soothing or fearful on the creatures in its path. if its effect be judged pleasant or ill by those touched it can't and won't do anything about it but move on to the next place it is bidden.

still, there remains one last aim for which my heart yearns. reason with me. what is the wind? there is no immediate answer is there? the wind is nothing but a conglomeration of other things. in and of itself it has no substance. wind is simply air that is pulled about quickly. and the air at this pace catches and brings particles and pieces of smell with it. but the wind is nothing. it has no body. nothing anyone can see. but it does bring change. the strongest wind makes the trees cower to its power and the gentlest breeze makes a child smile.

take a walk with me?

2008-06-30T00:24:00.000-04:00

will you? no one seems to understand... but one : ).
just because i smile doesn't mean i'm happy. just because i don't talk about anything doesn't mean i'm not constantly thinking. not that God hasn't done awesome things for me but people just don't get it. i have feelings too. too many... God is moving and i adore Him for it but one just doesn't hop from one stage to another. it's a slow process. i've been good the past couple weeks but tonight after some things were said and i drove past i started crying again. again... "the tears don't hurt like the ache does" hmm

so many things race through my mind, i'm gasping for air:
"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
your presence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone...
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase...
When you'd cried
i'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream
i'd fight away all of your fears.
And i've held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.
You used to captivate me,
By your resonating light.
Now i'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams...
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,
But though you're still with me...I've been alone all along."

"Until this empty place is filled, I'll keep pretending"

"Your eyes tell a whole other story and i feel the weight of the world"

"A broken heart that the world forgot
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams giver her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel"

"You don't remember me,
but I remember you.
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you.
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do.
I believe in you.
I'll give up everything just to find you.
I have to be with you to live, to breath...
You're taking over me."

"Can you know what I know and all we had.
You saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand.
I knew you loved me then."

"swallowing this hurt
making it lie down
i'm my strongest ally,
living life as i know how
i'm carrying the weight of the world that sold me out
i'm running with my eyes closed
hoping you don't see this doubt
i'm lost for words
i'm at a loss to tell you what i need
i know there's something more
God, help me to believe
and all this time i thought the fight was only mine
i need to let you rescue me
i'm taking fire
i'm feeling tired of this fight
i need to let you rescue me
i let it go to breathe
i can't take it anymore
i refuse to wake up one more time
bleeding on the floor
i won't let myself hold back
i'll surrender what's inside
You become my healing tourniquet
so i can feel alive
i feel so exposed
i'm afraid to loosen all control
with nothing left to hold
You reach for me and wouldn't let me go"

a good laugh

2008-06-23T01:24:00.000-04:00

nothing deep or long:

life is a laugh. the irony, and roller coasters, and joy, and stupidity, and drama, and realizations, and growth, and nothing at all. right now i just have to laugh. God is amazing at throwing us the oddest conglomeration of ingredients in our time here on earth. and to just to put the sprinkles on the whipped cream He gives us emotions to react to these events. and right now i laugh. the not quite bitter cynical laugh and not the completely mirthful one either. somewhere in between. just pure enjoyment at the irony God has put in my life. probably like what He does when we plan. "man plans - God laughs" i think i'm getting to see God's perspective on our pathetic human lives tonight. and i laugh.

realizations...

2008-06-17T12:37:00.000-04:00

i'm still sick so i don't have the energy to make this long and cutesy but...

last night doing bible study with my family (i love doing bible study with my family. i love that we do it together. the Word brings us closer together. it's amazing right before we started we kinda had a fight. but after people apologized to each other of their own volition afterward. the healing affect of His words hard at work) anyway... we were reviewing the last chapter we did and part of the lesson was on the rich man that asked Jesus how to get into heaven. and Jesus told him to sell all his riches and give them to the poor. the rich man didn't want to hear it and went away grieving. he wouldn't do it. when we first encountered this the most obvious thought came to us. well it's hard for rich people to give up their possessions... blah blah blah. yes we know. but it came to me. i am that rich man. i was. i had things in my life that were unnecessary gifts. i hadn't had them before and weren't necessary to life. but God blessed me with them for a season. and now He whispered "wesley, can you give this up for me? will you sell it and come follow Me?" and He gave me the strength to do it. but now my flesh is hindering me from forgetting and following Him. i feel like a spoiled child when the parent is taking an object it shouldn't be playing with away. and i, the brat, have a death grip and scream rebelliously at the tearing away.

the riches of this world will be burned up. i must forsake all others, take up my cross and follow after Him. i was so convicted. i was, i am that rich young ruler. may God give me the strength to continue to let go of my riches to follow Him. but you see, riches are so hard to let go of because they are tangible, visible here and now. i know i have them. i feel secure in there existence. God... not as much. it takes faith. faith in the unseen. not so easy. God asks much of us. but why not? that means He believes we can do much for Him. we are His children and He wants us to be high achievers. the road to righteousness is so hard but only if i solely rely on my own power and flesh to do it. if i let Christ in me do it all. i can pass with flying colors.

"Lord You don't have to move that mountain

Just help me Lord to climb it

You don't have to move that stumbling block

Just show me the way around it"

"So, let go, let go

Just jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

exactly how i feel

2008-06-14T23:17:00.000-04:00

what is it they say? a girl's favorite song will say more about her than she ever will. not that this is my absolute favorite. no song is. but it's part of the collection..

My hands are searching for you

My arms are outstretched towards you

I feel you on my fingertips

My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being

Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me

And you whisper you love me

And I begin to fade

Into our secret place

The music makes me sway

The angels singing say we are alone with you

I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry

The light is white

And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand

I give it to you

Now you owe me

All I am

You said you would never leave me

I believe you

I believe

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healed

I DONT CARE

2008-06-14T00:40:00.000-04:00

i do not care. i'm not going to try and sound cute or artsy... just write! type rather and spill my guts - within reason.

i'm so mad i feel sick. but then why i am mad makes me mad at myself because i shouldn't be mad. it's not my problem! but my emotions won't listen. and i feel like saying so much but can't. i stepped out and got bitten. i took a fall and my wounds scream JUSTICE! but my spirit whispers "peace" be still. God is painfully teaching me to lay down my self. the self that is carnal earthly ugly and let His beautiful self take over. i am so tired of this fight and had a breakdown last night but tonight God has given me a second wind and i pray (you can too) that i will have... correction... i will rely on God for the strength to continue in what God has taught me at great price. my flesh is a powerful and threatening enemy. it knows me too well. it knows exactly where my soft spots are that satan can poke and i cry uncle far too quickly. God has been showing me that i need to seal up those gaps but it's hard work.
i just... i... i am battle weary and feel the campaign isn't over. i need, well i need God. Jesus will go to bat for me when it's time and He'll restrain me when there is no issue to be brought to light. i need His peace, His wisdom, His guidance, His healing, His love... His love. O God i have been so unfaithful! it brings me to tears to think of how my heart has wandered far from my first love. i need to remember, return, and do the things i did at first. Forgive me Father for my lack of trust in You and being such a promiscuous lover. How it must hurt God when i get tied up in stress and focus on other things and people. Here He is telling me "I've got your path completely planned and winnowed. You can handle everything before you. I want to take you on this path. Won't it be fun? Just the two of Us! I love you! Look at me, beautiful. No! Don't look at other lovers. No one will ever be able to do as much for you and love you like I can. Please don't worry about the future. Please don't. Trust me. I will not let you down. And I know exactly what you need and will give you the desires of your heart according to My perfect will." And i turned a deaf ear to that. I walked away from that face. How could i? How dare i? You still want me though don't You? Why?...
but i know and must trust that this is the case. i love You for it. i must lay down my present in Your hands that i'm still trying to grip and leave my future to You. i can't let this bother me now. my only focus is on the heavenly things and to run fast and furious head on into God. i'm limping now but i know You can heal that while i'm running and don't worry God i'll be back to full speed soon. i'll make You proud of Your daughter!

strength in no numbers?

2008-06-11T23:10:00.000-04:00

Is this where the interstate ends?

In coastal towns like this

Waiting for my world to cave under

We seem to invent ourselves

In places left unknown

If hope could only find me out

Is this the end of everything we know?

This is the end of everything I am

Is anybody out there?Hello! Hello!

Broken hearts like promises, I left my last unknowns

Is anybody out there?Hello! Alone!

Cause the coldest winter's thread

Can't pressure me, I'm not a holy ghost

In the coastal towns of Him

Although I know a thousand names

I see my only friend

I've got the ground

All I need is ten cents for the pooling

I feel helpless, sleeping at this, waiting for your return

Are you ever coming home?

Does anybody

Do they ever listen?

Does anybody

Care at all?!

Do they care at all?

Is this the end of everything we know?

This is the end of everything I am

Is anybody out there?Hello! Hello!

Broken hearts like promises, I left my last unknowns

Is anybody out there?Hello! Alone!

Cause the coldest winter's thread on broken homes

Nonethelesser you're not here

And then we must wake this home

right now i feel very weak and alone, not vulnerable because to feel vulnerable you have to be open to someone. and to be open there has to be someone probing to open you. so much is happening and i long for the weight to be shared. again i am carrying the weight of the world and no one knows because i don't tell anyone anything. except you dear void. how kind you are to me. people always have and still do view me as the strong one. therefore i am not supported because i don't appear to need any help. you have no idea. people always make such sweeping judgments about me. i don't know why. the other day i was called judgmental and self-righteous. earlier the same day i was called boring. in some arenas i'm known as the wallflower and deathly shy, others too opinionated, some i'm confident, others i'm a ditz. i'm cold and unfeeling, selfish and hateful to some i'm sure. if all the people from each group compared notes they would dignose me with split personalities. but i do what i have to for each situation. i do what is called for and act. i worry about how i feel later. but later... later is when it gets hard. sitting among people who think i am completely fine or too fine. but i won't stoop to saying that "yes i am stressed out of my mind" or "no i'm not alright. i'm about to fall apart at the seams" this information is never volunteered and must be painfully extracted. only a precious and i mean precious few can just see something is wrong or are told something is wrong. but other wise when i feel that i can't take another step, i walk. when i can't imagine taking another breath, i inhale. and when life seems to be too much i desparately scream and ravenously claw for help without uttering a sound or making move. so in the world's eyes, i suck it up and am fine because i'm the strong one right?

every day

2008-06-05T22:58:00.000-04:00

as i listen to THE song again, my mind churns and connects a million little moments and creates a kind of collage. the collection of recollections brings to mind why i did, have, and continue to fall in love with my lord, who happens to be Jesus Christ. isn't it amazing to think that the son of God, God Himself, WANTS us to fall in love with Him? it's like a pastor's son longing for a prostitute to love him. weird! He could have to best, the best of the best, perfection. and He wants me. Me!!! the dirtiest of all His children.

but back to my collage... as i reflect on my life, as far back as i can remember having serious troubles in life. not just my toy breaking or getting a paper cut, He has always pulled through for me. when i thought "i'll never make it through this one" or "how can this be good?" the outcome is always perfect or completely satisfying. and in satisfying i mean God gives me peace about it and i can objectively see what He wanted me to learn from it. the biggest example of this was my senior year of high school. i was very sick and it took all my strength, correction my strength wasn't enough, it took giving all of me to God, feeling like a cripple, and following blindly to JUST function in the daily activities of going to school and work. i had to trust that God would either take me out of or keep me through those tough times. and He did a little of both. once in a while, i begin feeling that way (sickness) again and i remember, i know God got me through before and i survived just fine. He can do it again! so as, in the recent days, i've been feeling like my senior year is coming back in small doses i return to my victories that Jesus awarded me. and i love Him dearly for it.

He lovingly holds His hand out. "I beseech you, beloved, trust Me. I know you completely; better than you know yourself. For I formed you. I love you from time's birth through eternity and there is nothing I want more than the very best for you." Tears fill His eyes as I shrink back. I know "the very best" may not be a frolic through the flowers. "Darling, I love you with every fiber of My being. I never want to hurt you. But if hurt comes your way, know that it will hurt Me every bit that it hurts you because you will be in My arms the entire way." I raise my gaze to His brilliant stare. It pierces my core. "How can I say no to this?" I inch forward, hesitantly, as His steadfast nature floods my being. "Come, little one, come home."

... every morning i should wake up that much closer in my Saviours embrace. Knowing Him that much more. Trusting a second quicker. Loving deeper and deeper. Coming that much closer to home.

May I Have This Dance

2008-06-02T22:11:00.000-04:00

a talented brother in Christ wrote and performs this song. i can never hear it while keeping my composure. it's Ephesians 5 in a song!

Beauty is what I see

As you’re standing in front of me

A reflection of my heart

Crafted for my delight

You were made for glory and light

To display My majesty

This might surprise You

But give me a chance

The question I’m dying to ask…

(chorus)May I have this dance?

A divine romance

I’ll take you by the hand

And waltz through eternity

Put your trust in Me

Will you let Me lead?

I’ll sweep you off your feet

If you’ll let Me have this dance

Come here, don’t be afraid

As you draw near only be brave

And surrender to My song

Let go, lose all control

And just give yourself to the

Rhythm of following My touch

I will not hurt you

I’ll do no harm

As I take you into My arms

(chorus)May I have this dance?

A divine romance

I’ll take you by the hand

And waltz through eternity

Put your trust in Me

Will you let Me lead?

I’ll sweep you off your feet

If you’ll let Me have this dance

"if he had been privy to my attempts, could he have seen into my heart..."

2008-06-01T00:19:00.000-04:00

my heart is so full right now. i need to let some out...

my hands shake, i feel sick to my stomach, on the edge of blacking out. what is happening to me? more like what have i made happen? God seems so near yet a frighteningly unfamiliar face. a million thoughts and ideas are tearing through my head that it makes the room spin:

"i have no talent for certainty"

"here i stand empty hands/
wishing my wrists were bleeding to stop the pain from each beating/
there you are holding me waiting for me to notice you/
but who are you?/
You are the Truth/
outscreaming these lies/
You are the truth/
saving my life"

i stop and let it soak in... my head reels and more comes:

just replace boy with girl and that about does it
"Well, she was precious like a flower/
She grew wild, wild but innocent/
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour/
She was everything beautiful and different/
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in/
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind/
She let her heart and soul right in your hands/
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans"

"I used to carry the weight of the world/
And now all i wanna do is spread my wings and fly"

"Sorrow lasts through this night/
I'll take this piece of you/
And hold for all eternity/
For just one second I felt whole/
As you flew right through me/
Left alone with only reflections of the memory/
To face the ugly girl/
That's smothering me/
Sitting closer than my pain/
He knew each tear before it came/

Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by"

"the truth is... i'm heart broken. i feel as though a part of me has died... and nothing will ever make it right"

my mother's childhood lessons comes back to haunt me: no one sins in a vacuum and no man is an island. of course we've all heard "there is a God shaped whole in all our hearts". now i feel like there is a whole and it's harder than one thinks to LET God fill it. "let" is the point. i have to let go - another line comes to mind - "let me let you go". ugh i feel like my heart and brain have run a marathon. my body feels like it's seen a ghost. haunting... hmm. haunted, yes! that's how i feel, haunted.

in the words of aunt polly"O my God, what have i done?"

i feel like a child again. lost. small. helpless. i feel like a horse. skittish. spooked. with no reasoning powers. reason has left me. abondoned me. and that is big because i have always heavily relied on my reasoning and analytical brain. just friday night someone said, "stop analyzing the situation!" i realized i was analyzing the simplest actions of someone that meant nothing. now i am left alone. i can't do it now. was that God's plan all along? to strip me of what i held most dear. i believe i use reason as a crutch to not have to think about my emotion or to think my way out of feeling anything. i don't like feeling. period. i had quite a bit as a child and decided that it wasn't going to be part of my life there on out. but now i feel crippled by this. have i damaged things in my and others lives beyond repair from this? hurting myself i can manage. i'll reason my way out of feeling, right? but hurting someone else is unacceptable. thinking of myself is pretty foreign to me. not that i am some selfless martyr. HAHA! i am foremost in selfishness. but when it comes to someone else's state of well-being, i don't know. i guess i feel i can suck it up and don't want someone else to ever have to go through what i have experienced. my mom calls me elinor from sense and sensibility. i wish i could be completely like her. forebear anything. be the strong one that everyone turns to and somehow handle my own hurt and overwhelming feelings.

finally for tonight, one last line...
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

from: the shield

2008-05-26T02:33:00.000-04:00

tonight i had a realization: life is comprised of nothing but spans of life lived for others. at least that's how it seems to be in my life. but as depressing and restraining as that sounds... it actually produces a wonderful sense of freedom and accomplishment. maybe this results because, unknown to me, i am being Christ in someone's life. i am doing something that to the naked eye gives me nothing. i am dying to self and letting Christ reign in me - hopefully. that is one of the greatest feelings i think in a Christian's walk: knowing i have been completely taken over by the Spirit and am doing something that is not for me. although i have about three situations where this applies now and none of them were my idea; God just kind of threw me in there and now i am just beginning to, i pray, see the right side of the tapestry. but if this is all God wills for my life: stumbling so someone else may learn, building without being built upon, and being there when i don't necessarily want to, so be it. i am being Christ for someone. Christ must increase, i must decrease. Is this what you want God? HERE I AM; SEND ME!

every now and again

2008-05-25T00:49:00.000-04:00

"every now and again sometimes i get lost in the waves of a dream" yep... that pretty much says it. i get carried away and lose my head. then i kick myself for doing it then i kick myself for not turning to God first. but i always wonder was it really wrong in the first place. oy. yep my life is over-thinking. but i am reminded tonight of God's goodness. i shouldn't worry about anything because worry is just a sign of a lack of trust on my part and basically telling God that i don't think He can pull through for me. but if track records mean anything, He has NEVER let me down. Never! i was talking with someone the other day and i came to realize whenever i come to a crisis in my life and start trying to turn it over to God, therefore start looking at life through spiritual eyes (this SHOULD be all the time) all of my shortcomings spiritually boil down to a lack of trust ultimately in God, yes i people to a degree but the buck stops at God. i just don't trust like i should. tonight however i am not that worried. i have a million things pressing on my thoughts but i don't feel like it's the end of the world. i am just running to the throne room of grace and crying out to my Abba for wisdom. and one thing He has reminded me of is that i have representations of Him here on earth: in my parents who i love like nothing at all and my best friend. without her i couldn't make it through anything.
this is for you : )

I remember when
We used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd
Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the tv light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
I remember when
We used to drive
Anywhere but here
As long as we'd forget our lives
We were so young and confused that we didn't know
To laugh or cry
Those nights were ours
They will live and never die
Together we'd stand forever
Those nights belong to us
There's nothing wrong with us
I remember when
We used to laugh
And now I wish those nights would last

enough!

2008-05-10T00:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Void,

When is "enough" enough. There are times we hear people speaking about chasing your dreams and waiting for the best you can get. Then other times we are instructed to keep to the task at hand. "Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness". So my utter perplexity is vacillating between holding out or dwelling in. When things are laid in my lap is God saying "here now let's see how well you can use this to My glory" or "this is a test to see how fast you can pass that hot potato"? Do I camp or drive through the night? Ok Ok enough with the cheesy analogies. In all seriousness, I think it's a valid question for us all to put to varying situations in our lives. Unfortunately the answer is a little illusive. Through a constant dwelling on the Saviour's face, we may finally be able to make sense of our earthly life. "Focus on the eternal"! "Focus on the King"! As one of my favorite hymns says, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus and the things of this earth will grown strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace"!!!! O come Lord Jesus, come!! The only way to find true clarity in life is to intimately know Clarity Himself. For in Him there is no shadow or turning. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! Hallelujah!

I've had enough of living life for only me

and reaching just for the things that keep destroying me

So sick of envying the lives of so many I've seen

somehow believing that they have what I need

My God's enough for me

This world has nothing I need

In this whole life I've seen

My God's enough for me

I can't explain why

I suffer though I live for You

Those who deny You

they have it better than I do

Cover my eyes now

so that my heart can finally see

that in the end only You mean anything

Who have I in heaven but You

Nothing I desire above You

My heart may fail but not you

You are mine forever

not quite sure

2008-05-07T00:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Void,

i come here tonight with no certain goal or message to convey, just ramble on and pour out my present state of emotions. i hate my highs and lows. i have them because i let my emotions' catalyst be other people's emotions. this never works well for me. one minute i'm the happiest person on this planet and no one can rain on my parade. in a flash someone does or says something and i'm never going to be able to face another day. ok ok not that drastic but still not fun! if i had to chose one word to describe my state of mind it would be - confusion. because i try to read other people and i can't always do it. or do it correctly.

i have always been a simple person, never had many outlandish ideas or thrilling desires. in friend circles my ideas were always boring and moms liked me because when their children (my playmates) would come up with an idea, out of my own nature, i would inform them that it was probably not the smartest or safest idea. people call me graceful, but really the only reason they think that is because i'm known for never falling or tripping. that never happens because i'm scared of hurting myself. seriously that's a fear of mine and is a check for a lot of things i do. one reason i wasn't as good as i could have been in sports or dance is because i never took risks! and i still don't in my personal life. i had quiet elementary, middle, and high school years. well they were boring really. i was never part of any extra groups or clubs; i shied away from extra social contact outside of my established friends. my parents have always had to PUSH me into new experiences. if they hadn't i would never have ridden roller coasters, gone to AFTH my long time dance studio, gone to my church's youth group and made connections there, etc.

now at this stage of my life i feel i'm still stuck in my safe zone but the question is "is it too safe?". i am not pursuing dancing because it got a little too intense for me, i'm staying with the major i flippantly picked in my junior year and don't foresee a change, i haven't taken an wild trips and don't care to, and any decisions i've made that might be deemed risky i constantly worry about. is it ok to be this way or do i need to shake things up a bit? is it normal and healthy to be this placid? i like a+b=c, it's clean, you know what's coming and can rest easy. maybe too easy... oy, i don't know. the older i get the more i don't know! isn't it supposed to be the other way around? i guess i just feel out of place. amongst a world full of bold dreamers, i am the realist. am i out of place? do i squelch dreams? or are there others like me? i would like to meet them.

here i am...

2008-05-06T00:57:00.000-04:00

dear void,
so here i am! i have joined one more trend and started blogging. i can't believe it! how did i slip into something else to conform me and make me a cookie cutter person? oh well. i'll enjoy it.
i always have enjoyed the few times i journaled. i could unfurl my ideas and bare my soul in a safe haven of paper and pen. now i do the same with keyboard and computer screen. hmmm... i think way too much about nothing important and get myself all worked up and never think about anything worthwhile and am apathetic. this needs to change. here i can release my ideas into you, dear dear void, without fear of ridicule or misunderstanding at least to my face. and just maybe my ideas could be heard and at the very least appreciated and agreed with. at best they could change lives.
so here i am, to open up to you, world, and let you inside my mind. no telling what's in there. dun dun dun haha
good night dear void