you're pouring your heart out but all i hear is "blah blah blah"

"But when I fix my eyes on all that You are..." fixing... "Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith..." finishing... "Shall I bring to the point of birth and not delivery?" "...He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." fix, finish, complete. fix, finish, complete.

picture a runner. you hear a heavy exhale every other beat of her constant footfall. it's rhythmic. it's audibly hypnotic. now reread the first paragraph. add two exhale beats in between each quote. "fix, finish, complete" then deletes the exhales and in a feverish speed the thoughts rattle out like a barrage of bullets from the cerebral center.

now you are inside my head.

that's what I was doing not too long ago. because I am so tired of having the same darn thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over... ah. (...)

I have two months left. two (    )ing months left. but I don't $#&*(^% feel like telling myself "it's almost done. you can do this." I know I can. I know I will. i'm not freaking out. nothing bad happened... just like usual i'm lonely and have too much quiet and time to think. thus I have the TV going and had music playing a minute ago too. plus the clack clack of my fingers on my keyboard.

so much crap has happened. will it really be ok?

tonight at church as people shared "what the resurrection means to me?" my head started racing with what I would say. it was all about the hope coming from the testimony of these 3 years I've been apart from the only man I've ever loved. the guy I've given my freaking EVERYTHING to. and I mean everything! mental, physical and emotional. I poured myself out and now that my entrails became my extrails, it's been freaking hard to live with my extrails not right by your side for 3 years. I know I will be ok but please forgive me for not being ok right now.

but see i'm so tired of complaining and just not being happy... but... ugh I was listening to (now) the moldy oldie "No Air".
~If I should die before I wake/It's 'cause you took my breath away/Losing you is like living in a world with no air/Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?/Can't live, can't breathe with no air/It's how I feel whenever you ain't there/There's no air, no air

I just want to be told, "of course you're not ok. you shouldn't have been or be." and some have said that... just seems others haven't. is that wrong? should I be ok?... cuz I have Jesus?... ah at this moment I wanna say and hear "no".

it's gonna be ok. it's gonna be ok. 2 months. why am I even thinking about it? I mean compared to the 3 years, this is NOTHING! just at this moment I feel like someone's got a clamp on my throat and a sand bag on my chest. I've not been ok. half of me died aug. 16th 2010... will it come back like it was before? will it ever be the same?... i'm sure I'll look back one day and laugh. just wish I was laughing now.

I hate who I've become. I'm only half functioning. since he left, I couldn't help it but part of my heart and soul was ripped out of my chest so I took an orange branding iron to the arterial spray and burned it shut. I feel I curled into a ball then locked my wrists into fists round my knees and no one or nobody's been able to pry my hands loose. my hearts not been carefree, my laughs been hard bought. I've felt so cold, so heavy, so distracted, sleepless, spacey, grey, boring, distracted. a part of me is gone. i'm different. I've changed. and i'm sick of the change. I don't like this me. i'm tired of this me. but so many things that visit me in nightmares have come in this darkness, can I ever get the old me back... or is a third phase of me eminent? that scares me... that I won't know myself. I know myself now. I don't like myself now, but I know why I am this way. the idea of not knowing what I will be like... it's like being given instructions to make dinner and a list of necessary ingredients I must gather and all the proper cooking apparatus. so I do. it's all in a pile on the stove. but then all I can do is stare at the immobile, raw pieces and parts and know that they on their own will mix and cook and produce a meal. but I have no control over how it happens and thus have no earthly clue what type of fare I will have to serve my guests soon... what if it's disgusting? what if it makes me gag but I have to eat it for the rest of the night?... ah all this unknown...

but... I guess this is when I trust the character of God that He's not One to screw me over. trust, even though it sure doesn't feel like it, that He has a GOOD plan for me... ah but I fear our differing definitions of "good"...

I don't want to think this much. can't I just be a ditzy oblivious woman? or just so simple that this doesn't occur to me. or that blind trust just comes easy to me? argh *raspberries* COME OOOONN! oy i'm tired of being tired and 3 years of complaining of the same thing gets soooo old! sheesh

k i'm done being dumb and complaining and feeling sorry for myself. for now... :D

too much

i had to get my thoughts out... maybe it'll help me sleep. nothing new. nothing spectacular... just full to the brim again. tired. so tired. i'm full of... nothing. i feel so depleted. and i know God should fill it... but He gave me a husband. there's a portion he should be filling too... i'm worried out, i'm energy-less, i'm sick of sleeplessness. i'm so tired.

nothing really brought this on. no big event. just... it's too much. i've done this for too long, and all the crap that goes with this gig... i'm tired of it's reruns. tired of the ghosts left in the system... my system. in and of myself, i cannot do this. the fact that i've done it means it's not me... but me is tired. guess that means i need to up the "walking in the Spirit" action. cuz wesley's done being up. help... i need june to come so badly. then i need our EAS date to come even faster. i'm over this precious corps. precious my grimy foot. it's a destroyer. and destroying is only good on the battlefield. ah... soon. this too shall pass... this too shall pass.. "now is not forever". but i want forever to be now, ya know? and i wanna know that these ghosts will for sure lose their scare factor and stop their haunting... thank God they're just ghosts... but ghosts still make you jump.

i want "i wanna go home" to be a valid statement of pleading comfort again...

It's pain, It's a pleasure

  My Jesus is too good to me. I become so bound up in worry, fear, striving to work things out in my own strength. It only ever leaves me tense, back-biting, and bitter. I should have learned by now. But my Savior is an understanding Schoolmaster. He knows I am but DUST. Ps 103:14 "He knows how we are formed, He REMEMEBERS we are but dust." I am in awe at the mercy, compassion and tender care of my Lord. As soon as I "turn [my] eyes upon Jesus and look FULL in His WONDERFUL face, the things of earth grow STRANGELY dim in the light of HIS glory and grace." He remembers... He rememebers... ME. He knows me. He knew me and formed me in my mother's womb (Ps 139:13). He created plans before me i was even a "twinkle in my father's eye" as they say (Eph. 1:5). Why do I bother getting myself into such a tizzy? Studying about Forgiveness, I read the story of Joseph. How can I let anything permanently harm me when I read, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant if for GOOD in order to bring about THIS result, to preserve MANY people ALIVE." Gen. 50:20 God has it all. So many songs are running through my mind. Starfield's 'It's all for You' - "It's all for You, It's all for You, I'm letting go, I'm letting go" is one of them. Ps. 24:1 "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains, The world and those who dwell in it." It's all the Lord's. As my closest and bestest said once :) "when the world says they throw their hands up, that's it for them. They have nothing else. When we say that, we're finally at the perfect place of surrender." I have a bigger plan to lean on. Life never makes sense. Bad things happen, always well. No avoiding it. Sorry but reality check. People will hurt and disappoint you. End of story. They are PEOPLE. YET, my God is bigger than those situations and people. Not only is He bigger, He works through and orchestrates those things FOR MY GOOD! God does not deal in POINTLESS PAIN. Rom. 8:28 "And we KNOW that God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." That ME! I LOVE MY GOD! Thus I have a calling on my life; He has a purpose for me!

  The Creator of the universe has a purpose for me. He KNOWS me. He REMEMBERS ME... Heb. 10:31 says "It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God." And that is right. He is a just God. If we've transgressed His pure and perfect law (which we all have) and have RUN from Him, it will be terrifying when our running finally catches up to us. However, I do not fear that. Not perfectly have i executed this, but in my decision to commit my heart and life to Him, I decided to stop running I STEPPED into His hand. Thus, His hand for ME is not terrifying. Instead, it looks like this: Is. 49:16 "BEHOLD, I HAVE INSCRIBED YOU ON THE PALMS OF MY HANDS..." MY name, Wesley, is TATTOOD, if you will, on HIS palm! How precious I am to Him. And how did He permanently MARK MY NAME ON THE INSIDE OF HIS HAND? Not with a sterilized speedy needle. It was carved in with each pound of an iron nail that stayed in His hand for 6 hours. He remembers me because He let it be etched with His blood on His palm... forever. I can't wait to see it one day. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

  When I think of these things, His overwhelming Love and still constant dedication to me, how can I let anything sway me from this inexpressible joy that is unshakable? 1 Peter 1:8 "and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with JOY INEXPRESSIBLE and full of glory". If you don't know what I'm talking about or don't have the same joy please don't leave it that way. Please. There is nothing like knowing Him as YOUR Lord, YOUR best friends, YOUR lover, YOUR support, YOUR comforter, YOUR commander and captain. Zeph. 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious WARRIOR. He will exult over you with JOY, He will quiet you with HIS love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

  Rev. 22:17, 20 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the oen who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes to take the water of life without cost... He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming quicly." AMEN. Come, Lord Jesus!

*exhale*

perfection. it's quiet. i can be alone with my head. but not alone. he's sleeping. perfect blend. listening to my playlist "my life". it's full of angsty music... i've been so angsty. over the past week or so it's been (sometimes painfully) pointed out... i've been too angsty. i've been so selfish. not willing to go where God's put me. or where i've put myself but it's where i am so i need to let God work in me where i'm at rather than plugging my nose and pursing my lips and bloating my cheeks with air waiting til the next (what i deem) worthy stage comes my way.

God! i am so @#^$#@$% arrogant. i am so stupidly blind. i know i still will fight my sinful heart full of satan's extrement that lies to me, that i'm above this and i shouldn't have to go through this and it's all other people's fault. not mine, cuz i'm so holy and much better. yea ok! i was going to hell. i was going to hell. wesley dara (casey) wilburn, you were all set and destined for hell. but JESUS felt like being gracious to you. HE plopped a whopper of a present on your life's doorstep heavy with eternal significance. and all i did was have to cut the shipping tape. that's it. that's freaking all i did. any other GOOD thing is the result of HIS mail in my heart. HIS not mine. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH i could scream how much i hate my sinful heart that grips and slinks in my mind and lies o so well. so attractively.

i hate the way i am. i've always been this way. i don't listen til it gets ugly. mom always told me when i was little when she asked nicely to stop doing something bad i wouldn't care and not listen. she had to practically bring down fire and brimstone before i kicked my butt into high gear... i fear i still have that syndrome. the almost 24 year old version. pray for me. i do not want to always be like that. i know God's trying to do some weeding in my heart... and he's given my such a precious source for that. ah... i am a handful... a pill. the weeds are in there stinking tight! wrapped around vein and muscle. so sadly God has to watch me bleed a little as He gets them out... but it's not HIS fault. i've let them grow too wild. not tamed them... like ever. it's time to step into my big girl married real christian pants. i didnt know what big pants i was asking to step into.

so it 's been good. hard. but good. that's the way it always seems to be... i'm ready for a break. but i can't expect one unless i'm willing to be soft and go with the flow... so basically it's on me that i've not had a break yet... i know God's totally at work. agh! it's just so tiring living in the active desire to have God work on your heart... but it's worth it.

so overwhelmed by His Grace that WANTS to make me more beautiful

alone

i'm back i'm back. ah... life is so much better. it's good... it's ok. i feel very blessed. God is working. i am watching my husband grow into a strong man of God. not only that but he's doing it in a hell hole. so if he can progress and God reach him that fast there, i can only imagine how much quicker he'll grow away from there. it is such an amazing thing to experience being loved by a human man like Christ loves us. is this human perfect? heavens no. but as we must in our walk with the Lord, as long as we strive for the goal, that's all that matters. and he is. i am a very very blessed wife. wife... weird.

but life is... ok. it's not good. and i feel awful not being able to say it's GOOD. cuz life is soooooo much better than it's been. but the last few days it's been inescapable. life won't be good here. not again. it won't be good until i'm with him again... it feels lame to my brain that's lived 22 years single, trying to despise sappy romance, and this brain only had 3 weeks trying to get used to this married stuff before it was forced to go back to living single... but not. it sounds stupid, but i shouldn't say that... but for real, it changed... it's inexplicable. i didn't thing "i do" would DO that much. and i mean the "other" stuff couldn't make the difference cuz tons of people get into that before marriage and they still manage to break up... but life is never the same. never will be.

it feels impossible to keep myself off that slippery slope of depression. i didn't want to admit it but... i think that's what i'm slipping into. thank you Jesus i'm going to be with him in half a month. if not, i think i'd go crazy. no joke.

i feel so guilty, i feel it most at church. i don't hate God. not bitter, nothing's happened to distance me from Him. just the opposite in fact, yet, church is painful now. i can't worship like i used to. messages take more to penitrate. i feel zapped. i feel worn out. having to serve, it's super hard. i feel i have nothing positive to give right now. i feel constantly crabby, and short tempered. just... tired.

kinda shared some of that with my parents at lunch today. they're reaction was surprising to me, basically they told me without saying the actual phrase, "DUH". as my dad said, "you need your man." haha o dear old dad. but i do... life is quickly being bled dry of it's color. things i used to take comfort in, no comfort comes anymore. i need him... as stupid as my brain is telling me i am for saying that. i can't keep doing this: being apart from him. that fact that i'll be leaving familiar is nothing anymore. what used to be my passions, interests, they aren't anymore. my passions and interests are his life, where he's at, his mission field. it scares me cuz it's new and more powerful, in a bad way, than my circles ever have been, but... i don't care. i can't care. my heart strings are growing stronger and stronger to a location over a huge body of water and becoming so very weak to the places and things here in my hometown. it's a terribly bizarre feeling. terribly alone. i could be in a crowd and still feel utterly alone. always will, until he's next to me.

1:25 am

*silence* ow...

Daddy talk 1:33am

i'd forgotten how nice it is to write... or type... technology is lame. typing sounds SO less romantic. agh! i'm pissy and blessed. i'm sane and a mess. i always seem to come off so together when i talk to people. even those closest to me. i dunno.. i get scared? i clam up? i have no stinking clue. i hurt. the end. i hurt. but i'm weird. my hurt doesn't stick long. gimme a petz on the head and i wag my tail again. i'm like a two year old. i get over stuff quickly. but i am two because AS SOON as the hurt comes back it's like it never left.

i KNOW i can do this. i have complete assurance that it will all work out. it always does. it always has. but the "dart puddle" as i called a DARK TUNNEL as a toddler seems so dart... "i can't see out of eyes" and it makes me cry "oo ah oo"? (how i said "where are you?") where are you? i've lost you... sometimes i feel so lost in my aloneness... no one, and i mean no one, is there 24/7 and 100% gets it... most i do not blame and love them to death for doing their darndest for trying to help.. and it does... you know who you are. and there are others who i feel in my flesh... should get it. ah i'm done being the one with the timely Bible verse. i'm tired of being the one with the perfect christian answer. i don't wanna have to take it anymore, to try so hard... this world blows... Daddy take me home... i'm done. my soul feels thinner than tissue paper. one touch and it would tear and bleed... but i only know how to bleed inwardly... hemorrhage.

ah... Lord, i DO NOT want to offend You... i love You more than life itself... my heart cries, "i would do ANYTHING for You!" but my logic immediately follows with "be careful what you pray for"... ive been experiencing walking a path of faith and attempting to reach total abandon and surrender... my flesh wants to take it back... yet in my heart i know this is all useful and i know my God. I KNOW Him. He is never vindictive. He is Abba, Daddy. He wouldn't hurt me, not truly. only do things that may cause some pain but that is different than hurting me. He doesn't want to... i love my God. there is not a better father, friend, lover or master. i just want the pain to stop. make it stop Daddy... please... just make it stop.