Who Knew?

Hello friends,

Thank you each one of you who have made your love and support tangible the last few days and weeks as Ben and I face what seems to some crazy and daunting ordeal. But I'm writing to you all, one, to tell you remarkably I am ok and, two, and what God has done to make me feel that way. And in case you were wondering, I was not always like this and I am not saying I can guarantee that I'll be this strong for the next 14 months but I know I'll always be able to come back to the knowledge that I hold tonight that has made me feel like this.

What is that knowledge? Wrong question. More like WHO? Who is Jesus Christ. He has made His word very much alive in me and I feel I am living proof of His promise that He can supply peace that passes all understanding and it will guard our hearts and minds. I feel His love and assurance has built a bulwark around my heart. I am excited to go through something seemingly tough to the average mindset simply to show off how strong my God is for being the reason I get through that time, and not just limping along but full out running my course strong and confident!

So how did I get here? Well of course Jesus, Himself, did it but He used one channel in particular, my future husband, Benjamin. This man who God has graciously brought into my life is the reason I stand here not just coping, not falling apart, not even OK; I am excited for the next 14 months he and I will be apart. We won't be able to talk as much as we're accustomed and we have over a year to wait until we are finally married, Lord willing, on top of our previous 5 months we've already been engaged yet I have an unshakable confidence God is and will use this time for His glory. And when we do come together in marriage, it will be for the right reason: to form a more perfect unite to serve our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

As we spent the precious few hours we had left together this afternoon, he freely began speaking to me about our time apart that stared us in the face. His words ring in my ears, "Look at Paul and Peter, the great men from the Bible, why were they considered great? Not because they had easy, prosperous lives. But they are called great because of the hardship they endured and how they endured it. They were remembered because they didn't quit." As a dear friend and mentor said about her husband, "If there were such a thing as a Prov. 31 man, he would be it!" I heartily agree about my husband to be. His steadfast confidence of God's goodness, his strength to get through each day in his world filled with men and women utterly opposed to the things of God who lambaste his faith and morals, his bravery to face days that are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually hard without hesitation, his witness that never waivers, his unquestioned faithfulness to me, the stability he gives me even when I know he is worn thin by the day, the fact that when he talks Jesus shines from his eyes and his voice's cadence echoes with reflections of the Father all bring me closer to the Father and make me love him more. But my greatest gift is to hear him pray. My man is not only a modern day warrior who defends our country, but he is a warrior on his knees before the Throne of Grace. His prayers humble, move and inspire me. His never ending reliance on the Father has taught me I can rely on his leading me to the Father. As his hand totally engulfs mine, so to does his love that never ends and his diligence to draw us closer to our King.

His reminder to me today has made the world of difference to me. It made me think of Elizabeth Elliot's thoughts on angst and longing for something God wasn't giving her (the freedom to marry Jim when she wanted to) "If the yearnings went away, what would we have left to offer up to the Lord?". So this time is Ben's and my offering. This is our prayer, "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad." God has placed a faith in both of our hearts that there is a reason for our separation and wait and we can't wait to see what He does. I am in awe at the transformation power God has to work on our hearts. I had seen this phase we have now entered as a time to dread and fear, just grit our teeth and get through. Now, who would have thought, it's a huge source of rejoicing in our God's power and unfailing love. I praise Him for this faith I know only can come from Him. May He be glorified through our lives!

lucky

Luck though does not exist. It's a blessing from God. But can I just take a minute to brag about the man God has given me? He spoiled me with this:

and he still insists it was nothing. Goodness! He gave me a rock. Also last night we were talking, talking about somewhat heavy stuff. He's been battling a cold/flu and as we talked he said he started to fear a stomach bug was hitting him. So at the very least you can say he was not feeling well. Yet when I asked if he wanted to go to bed he said "No! I promised you we'd talk." Wow... I can only live up to his love and determination. However if you are wondering I was not so cruel to make him honor that promise last night. I "made" him go to bed.

But with just that one small incident it shows what a man I have. It blows me away.

Resurrection Reflections

Yesterday concluded Easter weekend... to my everlasting shame I must confess I have never given this holiday weekend the reverence it deserves. Last night I believe I finally began to taste how I should have been viewing it all along.

Good Friday service was good, it always manages to touch me. Yet somehow in the crevices of my heart I know some of it is tied into the fact that I am melancholy thus can rely on the sorrow and depth of emotion associated with the cross to reach me because of my tendency to lean towards the somber. Then Easter Sunday came! And I felt pretty much the same as ever. People greeted me with large smiles, "Happy Easter!". All I could do was manage a smile. If I felt gutsy, I'd chance a "hi". I knew something was amiss.

I enjoyed being spoiled with my church's special holiday treats of our talented brass glorifying God with their talent and our youth and children's choirs performing. Their innocent voices filling our sanctuary, I must be honest, pulled a chord among my heart strings that my pride doesn't enjoy being tugged on. But it was worth it.

My surrounding social circle continued in their joy and festivities that seemed so illusive to me. My parents treated my bosom friend, their prodigal, and I to a lovely lunch. Then the two of us were going to indulge in some nowadays rare face time. As we did our usual indecisive routine, "What do you wanna do? I dunno. Where should we go? I dunno...", we saw two friends waltz up. For two dancers of too many years, we very "ungracefully" stumbled up to them and from there a wonderful afternoon commenced.

We talked and talked and talked about too many things to list but they all revolved around life, emotions, being female, our futures and our faith. It was a most precious afternoon. Finally it was evening and time for our church's tradition of having a handful of people from our congregation share what the resurrection means to them. I've been with this church for nearly 6 years thus attended about 5 of these. So it was nothing new however some of what was said that night brought a perfect revelatory conclusion to my Easter weekend.

It began with one of my "babies" sharing. Again that chord I don't like to be touched was being yanked and the world looked a little liquid for a minute as I listen to a young woman, who was once one of my little girls in jr. high, share from such a beautiful and pure heart all that God meant to her and had shown this past year.

Then one of the men of our church shared the stages of life God has brought him through and now how he is in a pruning stage. I don't know anything about that... heh. He paraphrased the beloved C.S. Lewis (where would we be if that man never came to know Jesus? let's now think about it) as he talked about this place God has brought him to: "You asked for a loving God: you have one... Welcome to the Consuming Fire." Can I just saw WOW! His fire we must walk through is His love. Heb. 12:29 Our God IS a CONSUMING fire! To be loved by my God means who I am will be destroyed, eaten up, absorbed and cease to exist. This may not seem like love but here's another C.S. Lewis quote: God gives "what he has, not what he has not; the happiness that there is, not the happiness that is not. If we will not learn to eat the only food that the universe grows - the only food that any possible universe ever can grow - then we must starve eternally." Mmm mmm good. And this is so much more than Campbell's Soup. It is love to be stripped of the nasty, perverted parts of us and to be made to look more like a perfect being.

Lastly one of the friends I spent all afternoon with got up and shared. Her simple honesty words spoke to my rhetoric riddled heart and brought what I needed to change in myself home last night. She told a story of herself that sounded a lot like me. She describe herself as "a white-washed casket" pretty on the outside but dead on the inside. Then she told of her realization that what the resurrection meant to her was the fact that she has life NOW and a risen Savior who could be with her in that very moment. A few others shared the same thoughts. We are alive now! We have hope now! We have a living Lord now! We have life! The joy we feel when a flower blooms or that bean plant that your 2nd grader brings home finally sprouts a stalk above that dirt in that plastic water cup and especially the elation we feel when new life enters the world. All that is just a taste of what Easter is all about, what the resurrections is all about. It's about the ability to enjoy life. I did all yesterday: I was touched by beautiful voices from young lives, I enjoyed fellowship with lives, beings like me talking about none other than life. Then God brought it home when people shared the truth I needed to understand: the resurrection is about life itself.

After our Good Friday service I said hi to my pastor as many do at my church. His parting words to me at that time seems confusing for their obviousness (i mistakenly thought at the time): "Remember, He's alive." If I had only known how profound that statement would be.

Godtales

"Once upon a time..." in a magical land where every fantasy can come to life, homes are palaces and the sun always dazzles the view from each private balcony. There is always a gorgeous girl, marvelously talented but just in enough need for the boy, a quest-searching knight or a brilliant but sensitive farm boy. Neither have any serious problems or emotional baggage, only the problem of being disgustingly perfect. Eventually, their "horrid" obstacles of an evil witch or biased parents are overcome and that sun is still dazzling their now perfect wedding ceremony and they, say it with me, "... live happily ever after."

What is this? It's a fairytale. We're brainwashed with them throughout our childhood with our parents reading Sleeping Beauty to us as children, having to read Romeo and Juliet in high school lit, and watching chick flicks as young adults. Then we try our hand at this romance stuff and as one chick flick character admits our "love Santa keeps getting stuck in the chimney". We become disillusioned and confused.

The next stage sets in of us becoming calloused and cynical, either taking the loner road and shutting ourselves off from romance, telling ourselves it is an evil institution and we don't need it. Or we choose the second road of letting in some love but convince ourselves it will be just that. Nothing special and we can't expect anything from it because if we do we'll only be disappointed. This ideological pendulum swing is enough to give one cause to see a chiropractor. Good night! Yet somehow most all of us reside in one of these camps of thought or have experienced all these mood swings.

Yes, I am young at just over 22 but I have had a taste of each of these. Yet I am newly engaged. So how did I work out this emotional dilemma? I came to realize where we humans got in trouble was looking first to our emotions and trying to find "that someone" then seeing if God fit into the picture. We have it all backwards! Take heart young people in search of love, it is so incredibly possible to have a fairytale. You only need look to your heavenly Prince Charming first. 1 John 4:19 We love, because He first loved us. But to my chagrin how I found out this truth was through the love of the man I will soon call husband. And thank God I will! I see what an example of Christ and His love he is to me and it makes me fall even more in love with him. I feel like I am living a fairytale. But I'm not because those aren't real. What I have is real. It's not a fairytale, it's a Godtale.

Maturation ~ the process of maturing.

Mature ~ having reached full natural growth or development

having reached a desired or full condition; ripe

worked out fully by the mind; considered

having reached the limit of its time; due

no longer subject to great expansion or development

this process is both beautiful and painful. two such opposing ideas struggling within the same womb - life. it's that moment of looking up after a beating but knowing you were bludgeoned because you did not move from your position. it's having a noticable scar that everyone demands the story for because they want to pretend it was they who acted nobly to receive such a wound. it's picking a flower from the bush growing in your back yard after you spent hours putting dirt beneath your fingernails. it's taking a step when everything in you screams to sit down; holding your breath when you're about to pass out for want of oxygen; learning the art of love and simplicity.

"all you need is love". amen to that. God's love. it is enough. 1 Tim. 6:6-8

But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content.

"with these we shall be content"... i never knew contentment before until now... i am learning the art of contentment. longing for my mind never to stray "from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ." that's what it is. simplicity. that's what i want. the simplicity of devotion {ardent, often selfless affection and dedication} to my Savior.

these shoes...

i want them!

How do you do this again? HaHa I have not posted in forever and o how my life has changed! I was told just the other day that I "have it made" with my stage in life right now... it struck me so violently. Do I? I don't know and it doesn't matter. All I can do is praise my El Shaddai, for He is all sufficient and given my everything that I have. I have a wonderful job, doing what I love: working in the arts, choreographing, working backstage in productions, and teaching children. Doors have been miraculously opened for me to use my spiritual gifts and grow in ministering to others. Thus I'm experience the blessing of operating in my gifts- I feel satisfied and at home. I continue to be in awe of my God who I grow closer to and want to know more and more. I can see things He is laying before me to do - my life's purpose... perhaps. In church this morning a point was made when we were in Ephesians that I loved, "People who look for THE big purpose for their life oft miss it. The people who pursue the small immediate purposes in their life normally find the big one."