so i should be studying...

haha i've got so much homework it's not even funny but i had a revelation today driving home and i'm afraid if i don't get it all out it's going to *fpt* whisk away from my brain by the breeze or sometimes gust, even tornado, of other thoughts and obligations. so "la" to school for now...

as i've gotten older and began coming into the age of reasoned, deep conversations with my peers and superiors, a word often was tossed around: goals. it always made me quiver or roll my eyes, depending on my mood, who was presenting, or how it was presented. i always thought and to a degree still do think that some people are too goal driven. (mind you this is just my opinion, NOT claiming that it's gospel) i guess this stems from a thread in the fabric of my make up on how i exert myself. simply put, where i believe i have a fighting chance of "placing" or winning - i throw myself into it. if i see no hope for any gain, i don't. now this analogy breaks down yes because some things i have to do no matter what or God has called me to things, but in those grey areas this holds fairly true.

i have gotten so much flack about this position: that i'm lazy, or unassertive, not... goal driven. "you need goals", so many people have told me. and when i would meekly reply that i don't have many concrete one's i would face many a disparaging eye. i don't believe, overall, that those negative assertions are correct. of course i have my bad qualities, TOO many, and those could fall under that heading. yet, i've concluded that my stance is one of a super rationalist, of which i associate myself. anyway...

but i always felt bad, or weird, or something was wrong with me because i had no goals to speak of. as time has gone on i've labored to contrive a few. but my seasons of life i speculate are showing them for what they are - contrived. not true, not quite for me, not of God. so i was and am left with nothing again. i had no goals, i have none. what do i do now? i feel like a reverse deist. instead of God winding up the clock and watching it work itself down, God's trying to wind but my cogs have no direction or impetus to go. ouch!

at the beginning of this semester i has a potentially life changing idea... but it again left me in a place where what contrived goals i had were stripped from me and i was left disrobed of goals. not cool! as the first few weeks of school wore on some wishes bubbled up, but i just tossed them in the wish bin, proverbial of course. i wish i had a wish bin. haha sounds like something that would be covered with glitter and everytime a "wish" (of course they aren't tangible, just airy imaginative substances) was thrown in a fairy-like tune would whistle by. hmm me like, birthday present? haha wow

SO, after talking a tad about one of these goals over dinner, it was racing around my noggin on the ride home. slowly the other two popped up, and it hit me "why, these are goals! and i will make them goals and treat them as such!". i have goals yay. no kidding. they are placed in my heart, i feel and hope by God, some have been there eons. they just needed time to develop. so can it be argued that i've had goals all along i just didn't know it? or i hadn't til now and just needed time to grow into the "having goals in life" stage. my mom will tell you story after story of my childhood track record. "she was always about six months behind. but once she got there she was up with the rest of them". according to baby books i was six months late to walk. i couldn't snap when my friends could, whistle, ride a bike; i waited til the month after my 15th birthday to get my permit, and more than six months after my 16th to become a driver. tons of other example could be given, normal stuff took me a little longer but all these things i've got now like i never had a delay... well maybe the walking thing is in question ; ). this theory also dips into more substantial subjects in my life and therefore makes me wonder, did i just need time for me - ME not someone else telling me, but me hearing my own inner voice, rather the voice of God - to see my goals? time will tell if these will come true. it is my dearest wish that it is so. hopefully within the next... o say five years, i will be listening to hear God whisper new goals to me.