"But when I fix my eyes on all that You are..." fixing... "Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith..." finishing... "Shall I bring to the point of birth and not delivery?" "...He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." fix, finish, complete. fix, finish, complete.
picture a runner. you hear a heavy exhale every other beat of her constant footfall. it's rhythmic. it's audibly hypnotic. now reread the first paragraph. add two exhale beats in between each quote. "fix, finish, complete" then deletes the exhales and in a feverish speed the thoughts rattle out like a barrage of bullets from the cerebral center.
now you are inside my head.
that's what I was doing not too long ago. because I am so tired of having the same darn thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over... ah. (...)
I have two months left. two ( )ing months left. but I don't $#&*(^% feel like telling myself "it's almost done. you can do this." I know I can. I know I will. i'm not freaking out. nothing bad happened... just like usual i'm lonely and have too much quiet and time to think. thus I have the TV going and had music playing a minute ago too. plus the clack clack of my fingers on my keyboard.
so much crap has happened. will it really be ok?
tonight at church as people shared "what the resurrection means to me?" my head started racing with what I would say. it was all about the hope coming from the testimony of these 3 years I've been apart from the only man I've ever loved. the guy I've given my freaking EVERYTHING to. and I mean everything! mental, physical and emotional. I poured myself out and now that my entrails became my extrails, it's been freaking hard to live with my extrails not right by your side for 3 years. I know I will be ok but please forgive me for not being ok right now.
but see i'm so tired of complaining and just not being happy... but... ugh I was listening to (now) the moldy oldie "No Air".
~If I should die before I wake/It's 'cause you took my breath away/Losing you is like living in a world with no air/Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?/Can't live, can't breathe with no air/It's how I feel whenever you ain't there/There's no air, no air
I just want to be told, "of course you're not ok. you shouldn't have been or be." and some have said that... just seems others haven't. is that wrong? should I be ok?... cuz I have Jesus?... ah at this moment I wanna say and hear "no".
it's gonna be ok. it's gonna be ok. 2 months. why am I even thinking about it? I mean compared to the 3 years, this is NOTHING! just at this moment I feel like someone's got a clamp on my throat and a sand bag on my chest. I've not been ok. half of me died aug. 16th 2010... will it come back like it was before? will it ever be the same?... i'm sure I'll look back one day and laugh. just wish I was laughing now.
I hate who I've become. I'm only half functioning. since he left, I couldn't help it but part of my heart and soul was ripped out of my chest so I took an orange branding iron to the arterial spray and burned it shut. I feel I curled into a ball then locked my wrists into fists round my knees and no one or nobody's been able to pry my hands loose. my hearts not been carefree, my laughs been hard bought. I've felt so cold, so heavy, so distracted, sleepless, spacey, grey, boring, distracted. a part of me is gone. i'm different. I've changed. and i'm sick of the change. I don't like this me. i'm tired of this me. but so many things that visit me in nightmares have come in this darkness, can I ever get the old me back... or is a third phase of me eminent? that scares me... that I won't know myself. I know myself now. I don't like myself now, but I know why I am this way. the idea of not knowing what I will be like... it's like being given instructions to make dinner and a list of necessary ingredients I must gather and all the proper cooking apparatus. so I do. it's all in a pile on the stove. but then all I can do is stare at the immobile, raw pieces and parts and know that they on their own will mix and cook and produce a meal. but I have no control over how it happens and thus have no earthly clue what type of fare I will have to serve my guests soon... what if it's disgusting? what if it makes me gag but I have to eat it for the rest of the night?... ah all this unknown...
but... I guess this is when I trust the character of God that He's not One to screw me over. trust, even though it sure doesn't feel like it, that He has a GOOD plan for me... ah but I fear our differing definitions of "good"...
I don't want to think this much. can't I just be a ditzy oblivious woman? or just so simple that this doesn't occur to me. or that blind trust just comes easy to me? argh *raspberries* COME OOOONN! oy i'm tired of being tired and 3 years of complaining of the same thing gets soooo old! sheesh
k i'm done being dumb and complaining and feeling sorry for myself. for now... :D
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
too much
i had to get my thoughts out... maybe it'll help me sleep. nothing new. nothing spectacular... just full to the brim again. tired. so tired. i'm full of... nothing. i feel so depleted. and i know God should fill it... but He gave me a husband. there's a portion he should be filling too... i'm worried out, i'm energy-less, i'm sick of sleeplessness. i'm so tired.
nothing really brought this on. no big event. just... it's too much. i've done this for too long, and all the crap that goes with this gig... i'm tired of it's reruns. tired of the ghosts left in the system... my system. in and of myself, i cannot do this. the fact that i've done it means it's not me... but me is tired. guess that means i need to up the "walking in the Spirit" action. cuz wesley's done being up. help... i need june to come so badly. then i need our EAS date to come even faster. i'm over this precious corps. precious my grimy foot. it's a destroyer. and destroying is only good on the battlefield. ah... soon. this too shall pass... this too shall pass.. "now is not forever". but i want forever to be now, ya know? and i wanna know that these ghosts will for sure lose their scare factor and stop their haunting... thank God they're just ghosts... but ghosts still make you jump.
i want "i wanna go home" to be a valid statement of pleading comfort again...
nothing really brought this on. no big event. just... it's too much. i've done this for too long, and all the crap that goes with this gig... i'm tired of it's reruns. tired of the ghosts left in the system... my system. in and of myself, i cannot do this. the fact that i've done it means it's not me... but me is tired. guess that means i need to up the "walking in the Spirit" action. cuz wesley's done being up. help... i need june to come so badly. then i need our EAS date to come even faster. i'm over this precious corps. precious my grimy foot. it's a destroyer. and destroying is only good on the battlefield. ah... soon. this too shall pass... this too shall pass.. "now is not forever". but i want forever to be now, ya know? and i wanna know that these ghosts will for sure lose their scare factor and stop their haunting... thank God they're just ghosts... but ghosts still make you jump.
i want "i wanna go home" to be a valid statement of pleading comfort again...
Saturday, November 24, 2012
It's pain, It's a pleasure
My Jesus is too good to me. I become so bound up in worry, fear, striving to work things out in my own strength. It only ever leaves me tense, back-biting, and bitter. I should have learned by now. But my Savior is an understanding Schoolmaster. He knows I am but DUST. Ps 103:14 "He knows how we are formed, He REMEMEBERS we are but dust." I am in awe at the mercy, compassion and tender care of my Lord. As soon as I "turn [my] eyes upon Jesus and look FULL in His WONDERFUL face, the things of earth grow STRANGELY dim in the light of HIS glory and grace." He remembers... He rememebers... ME. He knows me. He knew me and formed me in my mother's womb (Ps 139:13). He created plans before me i was even a "twinkle in my father's eye" as they say (Eph. 1:5). Why do I bother getting myself into such a tizzy? Studying about Forgiveness, I read the story of Joseph. How can I let anything permanently harm me when I read, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant if for GOOD in order to bring about THIS result, to preserve MANY people ALIVE." Gen. 50:20 God has it all. So many songs are running through my mind. Starfield's 'It's all for You' - "It's all for You, It's all for You, I'm letting go, I'm letting go" is one of them. Ps. 24:1 "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains, The world and those who dwell in it." It's all the Lord's. As my closest and bestest said once :) "when the world says they throw their hands up, that's it for them. They have nothing else. When we say that, we're finally at the perfect place of surrender." I have a bigger plan to lean on. Life never makes sense. Bad things happen, always well. No avoiding it. Sorry but reality check. People will hurt and disappoint you. End of story. They are PEOPLE. YET, my God is bigger than those situations and people. Not only is He bigger, He works through and orchestrates those things FOR MY GOOD! God does not deal in POINTLESS PAIN. Rom. 8:28 "And we KNOW that God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." That ME! I LOVE MY GOD! Thus I have a calling on my life; He has a purpose for me!
The Creator of the universe has a purpose for me. He KNOWS me. He REMEMBERS ME... Heb. 10:31 says "It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God." And that is right. He is a just God. If we've transgressed His pure and perfect law (which we all have) and have RUN from Him, it will be terrifying when our running finally catches up to us. However, I do not fear that. Not perfectly have i executed this, but in my decision to commit my heart and life to Him, I decided to stop running I STEPPED into His hand. Thus, His hand for ME is not terrifying. Instead, it looks like this: Is. 49:16 "BEHOLD, I HAVE INSCRIBED YOU ON THE PALMS OF MY HANDS..." MY name, Wesley, is TATTOOD, if you will, on HIS palm! How precious I am to Him. And how did He permanently MARK MY NAME ON THE INSIDE OF HIS HAND? Not with a sterilized speedy needle. It was carved in with each pound of an iron nail that stayed in His hand for 6 hours. He remembers me because He let it be etched with His blood on His palm... forever. I can't wait to see it one day. Come quickly Lord Jesus.
When I think of these things, His overwhelming Love and still constant dedication to me, how can I let anything sway me from this inexpressible joy that is unshakable? 1 Peter 1:8 "and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with JOY INEXPRESSIBLE and full of glory". If you don't know what I'm talking about or don't have the same joy please don't leave it that way. Please. There is nothing like knowing Him as YOUR Lord, YOUR best friends, YOUR lover, YOUR support, YOUR comforter, YOUR commander and captain. Zeph. 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious WARRIOR. He will exult over you with JOY, He will quiet you with HIS love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."
Rev. 22:17, 20 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the oen who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes to take the water of life without cost... He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming quicly." AMEN. Come, Lord Jesus!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
*exhale*
perfection. it's quiet. i can be alone with my head. but not alone. he's sleeping. perfect blend. listening to my playlist "my life". it's full of angsty music... i've been so angsty. over the past week or so it's been (sometimes painfully) pointed out... i've been too angsty. i've been so selfish. not willing to go where God's put me. or where i've put myself but it's where i am so i need to let God work in me where i'm at rather than plugging my nose and pursing my lips and bloating my cheeks with air waiting til the next (what i deem) worthy stage comes my way.
God! i am so @#^$#@$% arrogant. i am so stupidly blind. i know i still will fight my sinful heart full of satan's extrement that lies to me, that i'm above this and i shouldn't have to go through this and it's all other people's fault. not mine, cuz i'm so holy and much better. yea ok! i was going to hell. i was going to hell. wesley dara (casey) wilburn, you were all set and destined for hell. but JESUS felt like being gracious to you. HE plopped a whopper of a present on your life's doorstep heavy with eternal significance. and all i did was have to cut the shipping tape. that's it. that's freaking all i did. any other GOOD thing is the result of HIS mail in my heart. HIS not mine. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH i could scream how much i hate my sinful heart that grips and slinks in my mind and lies o so well. so attractively.
i hate the way i am. i've always been this way. i don't listen til it gets ugly. mom always told me when i was little when she asked nicely to stop doing something bad i wouldn't care and not listen. she had to practically bring down fire and brimstone before i kicked my butt into high gear... i fear i still have that syndrome. the almost 24 year old version. pray for me. i do not want to always be like that. i know God's trying to do some weeding in my heart... and he's given my such a precious source for that. ah... i am a handful... a pill. the weeds are in there stinking tight! wrapped around vein and muscle. so sadly God has to watch me bleed a little as He gets them out... but it's not HIS fault. i've let them grow too wild. not tamed them... like ever. it's time to step into my big girl married real christian pants. i didnt know what big pants i was asking to step into.
so it 's been good. hard. but good. that's the way it always seems to be... i'm ready for a break. but i can't expect one unless i'm willing to be soft and go with the flow... so basically it's on me that i've not had a break yet... i know God's totally at work. agh! it's just so tiring living in the active desire to have God work on your heart... but it's worth it.
so overwhelmed by His Grace that WANTS to make me more beautiful
God! i am so @#^$#@$% arrogant. i am so stupidly blind. i know i still will fight my sinful heart full of satan's extrement that lies to me, that i'm above this and i shouldn't have to go through this and it's all other people's fault. not mine, cuz i'm so holy and much better. yea ok! i was going to hell. i was going to hell. wesley dara (casey) wilburn, you were all set and destined for hell. but JESUS felt like being gracious to you. HE plopped a whopper of a present on your life's doorstep heavy with eternal significance. and all i did was have to cut the shipping tape. that's it. that's freaking all i did. any other GOOD thing is the result of HIS mail in my heart. HIS not mine. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH i could scream how much i hate my sinful heart that grips and slinks in my mind and lies o so well. so attractively.
i hate the way i am. i've always been this way. i don't listen til it gets ugly. mom always told me when i was little when she asked nicely to stop doing something bad i wouldn't care and not listen. she had to practically bring down fire and brimstone before i kicked my butt into high gear... i fear i still have that syndrome. the almost 24 year old version. pray for me. i do not want to always be like that. i know God's trying to do some weeding in my heart... and he's given my such a precious source for that. ah... i am a handful... a pill. the weeds are in there stinking tight! wrapped around vein and muscle. so sadly God has to watch me bleed a little as He gets them out... but it's not HIS fault. i've let them grow too wild. not tamed them... like ever. it's time to step into my big girl married real christian pants. i didnt know what big pants i was asking to step into.
so it 's been good. hard. but good. that's the way it always seems to be... i'm ready for a break. but i can't expect one unless i'm willing to be soft and go with the flow... so basically it's on me that i've not had a break yet... i know God's totally at work. agh! it's just so tiring living in the active desire to have God work on your heart... but it's worth it.
so overwhelmed by His Grace that WANTS to make me more beautiful
Monday, October 15, 2012
alone
i'm back i'm back. ah... life is so much better. it's good... it's ok. i feel very blessed. God is working. i am watching my husband grow into a strong man of God. not only that but he's doing it in a hell hole. so if he can progress and God reach him that fast there, i can only imagine how much quicker he'll grow away from there. it is such an amazing thing to experience being loved by a human man like Christ loves us. is this human perfect? heavens no. but as we must in our walk with the Lord, as long as we strive for the goal, that's all that matters. and he is. i am a very very blessed wife. wife... weird.
but life is... ok. it's not good. and i feel awful not being able to say it's GOOD. cuz life is soooooo much better than it's been. but the last few days it's been inescapable. life won't be good here. not again. it won't be good until i'm with him again... it feels lame to my brain that's lived 22 years single, trying to despise sappy romance, and this brain only had 3 weeks trying to get used to this married stuff before it was forced to go back to living single... but not. it sounds stupid, but i shouldn't say that... but for real, it changed... it's inexplicable. i didn't thing "i do" would DO that much. and i mean the "other" stuff couldn't make the difference cuz tons of people get into that before marriage and they still manage to break up... but life is never the same. never will be.
it feels impossible to keep myself off that slippery slope of depression. i didn't want to admit it but... i think that's what i'm slipping into. thank you Jesus i'm going to be with him in half a month. if not, i think i'd go crazy. no joke.
i feel so guilty, i feel it most at church. i don't hate God. not bitter, nothing's happened to distance me from Him. just the opposite in fact, yet, church is painful now. i can't worship like i used to. messages take more to penitrate. i feel zapped. i feel worn out. having to serve, it's super hard. i feel i have nothing positive to give right now. i feel constantly crabby, and short tempered. just... tired.
kinda shared some of that with my parents at lunch today. they're reaction was surprising to me, basically they told me without saying the actual phrase, "DUH". as my dad said, "you need your man." haha o dear old dad. but i do... life is quickly being bled dry of it's color. things i used to take comfort in, no comfort comes anymore. i need him... as stupid as my brain is telling me i am for saying that. i can't keep doing this: being apart from him. that fact that i'll be leaving familiar is nothing anymore. what used to be my passions, interests, they aren't anymore. my passions and interests are his life, where he's at, his mission field. it scares me cuz it's new and more powerful, in a bad way, than my circles ever have been, but... i don't care. i can't care. my heart strings are growing stronger and stronger to a location over a huge body of water and becoming so very weak to the places and things here in my hometown. it's a terribly bizarre feeling. terribly alone. i could be in a crowd and still feel utterly alone. always will, until he's next to me.
but life is... ok. it's not good. and i feel awful not being able to say it's GOOD. cuz life is soooooo much better than it's been. but the last few days it's been inescapable. life won't be good here. not again. it won't be good until i'm with him again... it feels lame to my brain that's lived 22 years single, trying to despise sappy romance, and this brain only had 3 weeks trying to get used to this married stuff before it was forced to go back to living single... but not. it sounds stupid, but i shouldn't say that... but for real, it changed... it's inexplicable. i didn't thing "i do" would DO that much. and i mean the "other" stuff couldn't make the difference cuz tons of people get into that before marriage and they still manage to break up... but life is never the same. never will be.
it feels impossible to keep myself off that slippery slope of depression. i didn't want to admit it but... i think that's what i'm slipping into. thank you Jesus i'm going to be with him in half a month. if not, i think i'd go crazy. no joke.
i feel so guilty, i feel it most at church. i don't hate God. not bitter, nothing's happened to distance me from Him. just the opposite in fact, yet, church is painful now. i can't worship like i used to. messages take more to penitrate. i feel zapped. i feel worn out. having to serve, it's super hard. i feel i have nothing positive to give right now. i feel constantly crabby, and short tempered. just... tired.
kinda shared some of that with my parents at lunch today. they're reaction was surprising to me, basically they told me without saying the actual phrase, "DUH". as my dad said, "you need your man." haha o dear old dad. but i do... life is quickly being bled dry of it's color. things i used to take comfort in, no comfort comes anymore. i need him... as stupid as my brain is telling me i am for saying that. i can't keep doing this: being apart from him. that fact that i'll be leaving familiar is nothing anymore. what used to be my passions, interests, they aren't anymore. my passions and interests are his life, where he's at, his mission field. it scares me cuz it's new and more powerful, in a bad way, than my circles ever have been, but... i don't care. i can't care. my heart strings are growing stronger and stronger to a location over a huge body of water and becoming so very weak to the places and things here in my hometown. it's a terribly bizarre feeling. terribly alone. i could be in a crowd and still feel utterly alone. always will, until he's next to me.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Daddy talk 1:33am
i'd forgotten how nice it is to write... or type... technology is lame. typing sounds SO less romantic. agh! i'm pissy and blessed. i'm sane and a mess. i always seem to come off so together when i talk to people. even those closest to me. i dunno.. i get scared? i clam up? i have no stinking clue. i hurt. the end. i hurt. but i'm weird. my hurt doesn't stick long. gimme a petz on the head and i wag my tail again. i'm like a two year old. i get over stuff quickly. but i am two because AS SOON as the hurt comes back it's like it never left.
i KNOW i can do this. i have complete assurance that it will all work out. it always does. it always has. but the "dart puddle" as i called a DARK TUNNEL as a toddler seems so dart... "i can't see out of eyes" and it makes me cry "oo ah oo"? (how i said "where are you?") where are you? i've lost you... sometimes i feel so lost in my aloneness... no one, and i mean no one, is there 24/7 and 100% gets it... most i do not blame and love them to death for doing their darndest for trying to help.. and it does... you know who you are. and there are others who i feel in my flesh... should get it. ah i'm done being the one with the timely Bible verse. i'm tired of being the one with the perfect christian answer. i don't wanna have to take it anymore, to try so hard... this world blows... Daddy take me home... i'm done. my soul feels thinner than tissue paper. one touch and it would tear and bleed... but i only know how to bleed inwardly... hemorrhage.
ah... Lord, i DO NOT want to offend You... i love You more than life itself... my heart cries, "i would do ANYTHING for You!" but my logic immediately follows with "be careful what you pray for"... ive been experiencing walking a path of faith and attempting to reach total abandon and surrender... my flesh wants to take it back... yet in my heart i know this is all useful and i know my God. I KNOW Him. He is never vindictive. He is Abba, Daddy. He wouldn't hurt me, not truly. only do things that may cause some pain but that is different than hurting me. He doesn't want to... i love my God. there is not a better father, friend, lover or master. i just want the pain to stop. make it stop Daddy... please... just make it stop.
i KNOW i can do this. i have complete assurance that it will all work out. it always does. it always has. but the "dart puddle" as i called a DARK TUNNEL as a toddler seems so dart... "i can't see out of eyes" and it makes me cry "oo ah oo"? (how i said "where are you?") where are you? i've lost you... sometimes i feel so lost in my aloneness... no one, and i mean no one, is there 24/7 and 100% gets it... most i do not blame and love them to death for doing their darndest for trying to help.. and it does... you know who you are. and there are others who i feel in my flesh... should get it. ah i'm done being the one with the timely Bible verse. i'm tired of being the one with the perfect christian answer. i don't wanna have to take it anymore, to try so hard... this world blows... Daddy take me home... i'm done. my soul feels thinner than tissue paper. one touch and it would tear and bleed... but i only know how to bleed inwardly... hemorrhage.
ah... Lord, i DO NOT want to offend You... i love You more than life itself... my heart cries, "i would do ANYTHING for You!" but my logic immediately follows with "be careful what you pray for"... ive been experiencing walking a path of faith and attempting to reach total abandon and surrender... my flesh wants to take it back... yet in my heart i know this is all useful and i know my God. I KNOW Him. He is never vindictive. He is Abba, Daddy. He wouldn't hurt me, not truly. only do things that may cause some pain but that is different than hurting me. He doesn't want to... i love my God. there is not a better father, friend, lover or master. i just want the pain to stop. make it stop Daddy... please... just make it stop.
you must train... revisited
something i wrote when i was 19 but it came to mind at it's appropriateness again ~
a path looms before: dark, long, unclear. tear filled eyes strain to see as far ahead as can be. impossible. simply impossible. only a few feet are perceptible. hot tears create paths down stinging cheeks and an aching brain attempts to sustain a new pain. a couple passionless steps are executed. feet shuffle the earth more to see the leaves rustle and fly than to move along this foreboding road. back and forth, side to side; very little onward and upward. the sun seems to be in a continual state of setting, just sending it's last rays of searing orange and suffocating red over the horizon. the air is thick and the wind only disorients rather than refreshes. the trees look black and dead, dangerous even. who knows what life lies beyond. "no." another step can't be hazarded. no, that's wrong. it must be. this way must be traveled. muscles strain to pick up to leadened feet. tripping, plodding, stumbling, a few more feet gain. one long inhale is chanced. the air hurts to press into these tired lungs. this is crazy, this path is laid out ahead and it will be overtaken! the aching brain no longer aches but slips into a mad state. these steps are no longer slow and heavy-laden, they are short, staccato, frenzied. laughter and shrieks akin to insanity escape the exhausted lungs. they slow as do the steps when fatigue finally overtakes them. mindless shuffles resume. "no, no, no." that seems to be the only word these vocal chords can utter. "no!" sobs erupt from the spent body. this is the breaking point.
"no longer! i can't do this any longer!" i cry. my chest heaves, desperate for air. my whole being is in violent convulsions. my hands sweat and wring each other as if some answer could be derived from their writhing. tears come so hard i feel sick. "no, no." i pull at my hair and skin. "why?!" i scream to the sky. "why!" my chest hurts. "i know what you want of me but i can't seem to give it. why?" i trip further down the way, "you've told me how, but i still fail. you give me all that is required, and i return naught. you are everything to me, and what am i to you? you say i'm more but i don't ever, ever live up to your image of me." i pant, having expended near all of me. a few more clumsy steps mark the ground before the last. no more, no more; i drop heavily to my knees muttering as i go, "no, no, i can't... trust you."
my head hangs heavy as my mind tries so hard to make some sense of what i had just done. that's it. time to be finished with it all. and in that ominous nature, the sun depressingly lingering as if to say "your last chance is spent; you are finished", my limp torso swaying in the thick breeze. in one final burst of movement, i raise my eyes to the burnt heavens with watery eyes and one last sound escapes my quivering lips, "forgive me". i drop my head back as if to offer my throat to the executioner. my brain slows, waiting for the sweep of the axe. peace, knowing that it will all be over soon. suddenly the distant sun, the dead trees, the blackness isn't so frightening, for it can no longer harm me. i wait. but still i am in the middle of that terrible path. my brain awakens from it's resolved slumber. "what? no! you were supposed to end it." "but i can't stay like this. i'm not worthy. you've never given me a reason not to trust you, but i still can't let go." my frenzied state returns, i turn in circles looking for answers. i feel so dirty, so unworthy. these clothes, these vain, stifling clothes. i claw at them as they shred around my limbs. "you can't leave me like this." no, i keep tearing at myself, at the air, at anything. no, even my skin is unclean, i pick up leaves and stones. i scratch my arms. i must get clean somehow. my nails bite through my skin as blood warms my cold surface. my hair falls down my sides. i must strip it all away. "if you won't do it, i will!" tears and blood mingle on my ravaged edifice. defeated sobs echo in my chest. i continue to shriek and tear. change must come somehow.
my arms are tangled in front of me, crazed. in the middle of my screams and destruction, i now can't move. my paralyzed mind can't grasp why. "sh, sh." commanding arms are wrapped around me, preventing me from moving. established in my pattern i try to continue my draconian cleansing. a low whisper slips in my ear, "sh, no dear one, no." "but... i... have to", i force out through sobs. the arms from behind lock tighter around me. "no, little one, you don't have to." my muscles give in to my captor; my head drops back on his shoulder and my voice raises in long sorrowful moans. but my brain had not given up, "I - DO - NOT - DESERVE - YOU" i faintly enunciate thinking my firmness would change his mind. "i don't care, i still love you. and you know that." a sob of understanding ripples through my body, "my mind might but somehow my heart can't accept it... i can't trust you. and i hate myself for it." his grip tightens now to reassure not to restrain. "i'm sorry for that, beloved. i know, though, i know you don't trust me like you should. i made you." a cynical chuckle escapes me. "but how else do you think you can learn to trust me but continuing on that path i've laid before you. you admit your mind understands, now just train your heart to do the same. train it. train. you must train your heart, my darling."
he turns me and raises my chin to meet his eyes. as my gaze meets his, i'm overwhelmed; i feel i'm home. "why did i ever want to go anywhere else?" he laughs at my unguarded affection. "if you want to stay..." he slowly moves from me, walking backwards, further down the path. his eyes bore into mine, "... then stay here." his beautiful stare dazzles me. and tears of joy flood my eyes. laughter of pure mirth bubbles up from within. "yes, yes, my truth." at this new name he smiles but raises a quizzical eyebrow. "you are my truth. i love the truth." his smile breaks into a beaming grin and the most wonder laugh of a man echoes through the forest. as it touches the place, the breeze lightens and refreshes me. the trees turn green and the leaves grow crisp and cool. and suddenly the sun rises with new hues of promise; promising life all found in his eyes, brought along his path for me. "i must train my heart... to trust you." my first step out of my crazed state is taken. it nearly echoes with the weight of sheer resolution. "... and so i train."
a path looms before: dark, long, unclear. tear filled eyes strain to see as far ahead as can be. impossible. simply impossible. only a few feet are perceptible. hot tears create paths down stinging cheeks and an aching brain attempts to sustain a new pain. a couple passionless steps are executed. feet shuffle the earth more to see the leaves rustle and fly than to move along this foreboding road. back and forth, side to side; very little onward and upward. the sun seems to be in a continual state of setting, just sending it's last rays of searing orange and suffocating red over the horizon. the air is thick and the wind only disorients rather than refreshes. the trees look black and dead, dangerous even. who knows what life lies beyond. "no." another step can't be hazarded. no, that's wrong. it must be. this way must be traveled. muscles strain to pick up to leadened feet. tripping, plodding, stumbling, a few more feet gain. one long inhale is chanced. the air hurts to press into these tired lungs. this is crazy, this path is laid out ahead and it will be overtaken! the aching brain no longer aches but slips into a mad state. these steps are no longer slow and heavy-laden, they are short, staccato, frenzied. laughter and shrieks akin to insanity escape the exhausted lungs. they slow as do the steps when fatigue finally overtakes them. mindless shuffles resume. "no, no, no." that seems to be the only word these vocal chords can utter. "no!" sobs erupt from the spent body. this is the breaking point.
"no longer! i can't do this any longer!" i cry. my chest heaves, desperate for air. my whole being is in violent convulsions. my hands sweat and wring each other as if some answer could be derived from their writhing. tears come so hard i feel sick. "no, no." i pull at my hair and skin. "why?!" i scream to the sky. "why!" my chest hurts. "i know what you want of me but i can't seem to give it. why?" i trip further down the way, "you've told me how, but i still fail. you give me all that is required, and i return naught. you are everything to me, and what am i to you? you say i'm more but i don't ever, ever live up to your image of me." i pant, having expended near all of me. a few more clumsy steps mark the ground before the last. no more, no more; i drop heavily to my knees muttering as i go, "no, no, i can't... trust you."
my head hangs heavy as my mind tries so hard to make some sense of what i had just done. that's it. time to be finished with it all. and in that ominous nature, the sun depressingly lingering as if to say "your last chance is spent; you are finished", my limp torso swaying in the thick breeze. in one final burst of movement, i raise my eyes to the burnt heavens with watery eyes and one last sound escapes my quivering lips, "forgive me". i drop my head back as if to offer my throat to the executioner. my brain slows, waiting for the sweep of the axe. peace, knowing that it will all be over soon. suddenly the distant sun, the dead trees, the blackness isn't so frightening, for it can no longer harm me. i wait. but still i am in the middle of that terrible path. my brain awakens from it's resolved slumber. "what? no! you were supposed to end it." "but i can't stay like this. i'm not worthy. you've never given me a reason not to trust you, but i still can't let go." my frenzied state returns, i turn in circles looking for answers. i feel so dirty, so unworthy. these clothes, these vain, stifling clothes. i claw at them as they shred around my limbs. "you can't leave me like this." no, i keep tearing at myself, at the air, at anything. no, even my skin is unclean, i pick up leaves and stones. i scratch my arms. i must get clean somehow. my nails bite through my skin as blood warms my cold surface. my hair falls down my sides. i must strip it all away. "if you won't do it, i will!" tears and blood mingle on my ravaged edifice. defeated sobs echo in my chest. i continue to shriek and tear. change must come somehow.
my arms are tangled in front of me, crazed. in the middle of my screams and destruction, i now can't move. my paralyzed mind can't grasp why. "sh, sh." commanding arms are wrapped around me, preventing me from moving. established in my pattern i try to continue my draconian cleansing. a low whisper slips in my ear, "sh, no dear one, no." "but... i... have to", i force out through sobs. the arms from behind lock tighter around me. "no, little one, you don't have to." my muscles give in to my captor; my head drops back on his shoulder and my voice raises in long sorrowful moans. but my brain had not given up, "I - DO - NOT - DESERVE - YOU" i faintly enunciate thinking my firmness would change his mind. "i don't care, i still love you. and you know that." a sob of understanding ripples through my body, "my mind might but somehow my heart can't accept it... i can't trust you. and i hate myself for it." his grip tightens now to reassure not to restrain. "i'm sorry for that, beloved. i know, though, i know you don't trust me like you should. i made you." a cynical chuckle escapes me. "but how else do you think you can learn to trust me but continuing on that path i've laid before you. you admit your mind understands, now just train your heart to do the same. train it. train. you must train your heart, my darling."
he turns me and raises my chin to meet his eyes. as my gaze meets his, i'm overwhelmed; i feel i'm home. "why did i ever want to go anywhere else?" he laughs at my unguarded affection. "if you want to stay..." he slowly moves from me, walking backwards, further down the path. his eyes bore into mine, "... then stay here." his beautiful stare dazzles me. and tears of joy flood my eyes. laughter of pure mirth bubbles up from within. "yes, yes, my truth." at this new name he smiles but raises a quizzical eyebrow. "you are my truth. i love the truth." his smile breaks into a beaming grin and the most wonder laugh of a man echoes through the forest. as it touches the place, the breeze lightens and refreshes me. the trees turn green and the leaves grow crisp and cool. and suddenly the sun rises with new hues of promise; promising life all found in his eyes, brought along his path for me. "i must train my heart... to trust you." my first step out of my crazed state is taken. it nearly echoes with the weight of sheer resolution. "... and so i train."
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
blessings
original Aug. 24th '12
i'm coming here not quite sure what i want to say... well not formerly. i'm too tired to write something neat. but i'm just blown over by God's unfailing nature. trials have come and come, so hard and fast that i could barely find my footing. it was to the point that i didn't know if i could ever truly find up again. but now all of a sudden the clouds are parting again. and miracle of miracles i'm even seeing purpose for many of my thunderstorms... God is so faithful. my little victories- i have a job for sure now again this year when until today i was sweating it out. not only do i have a job but it wasn't even a struggle for my boss to decide if i could work for her. we finally have some dates for me traveling to iwakuni and it spans two holidays: the marine corps ball and thanksgiving. getting to spend special occassions with my husband means more than i can communicate. i get to see him again...
and that's the other thing that i can't get out of my head: my husband. we are both human, and far far from perfect but God really has blessed me. He's blessed me with a man with a soft heart. now i say that not meaning he is soft as a man. o no. he has a soft heart towards me as a woman, towards life that has constant lessons to learn and foremost to our Lord that whispers to our spirits in the stillness. he listens. his heart is pliable to the Master Potter's hands. how blessed i am to watch. it challenges me to have an even more teachable spirit. something that doesn't come naturally to any human but i feel especially me. "[pride] is strong with this one." at this moment i yearn for my Father to break me of it. i say that with knees knocking together because "breaking" is NEVER comfortable. but i know hardness is ugly and has painful jagged edges. i want my cracks smoothed out by His hands to not have any edges that might scratch or gouge people.
i am thankful for the blessings he has bestowed on me: a job, a date when i will see my love again, and a love that i wouldn't trade for anything in the world with a man that body, mind and soul i will never be able to separate myself from.
i'm coming here not quite sure what i want to say... well not formerly. i'm too tired to write something neat. but i'm just blown over by God's unfailing nature. trials have come and come, so hard and fast that i could barely find my footing. it was to the point that i didn't know if i could ever truly find up again. but now all of a sudden the clouds are parting again. and miracle of miracles i'm even seeing purpose for many of my thunderstorms... God is so faithful. my little victories- i have a job for sure now again this year when until today i was sweating it out. not only do i have a job but it wasn't even a struggle for my boss to decide if i could work for her. we finally have some dates for me traveling to iwakuni and it spans two holidays: the marine corps ball and thanksgiving. getting to spend special occassions with my husband means more than i can communicate. i get to see him again...
and that's the other thing that i can't get out of my head: my husband. we are both human, and far far from perfect but God really has blessed me. He's blessed me with a man with a soft heart. now i say that not meaning he is soft as a man. o no. he has a soft heart towards me as a woman, towards life that has constant lessons to learn and foremost to our Lord that whispers to our spirits in the stillness. he listens. his heart is pliable to the Master Potter's hands. how blessed i am to watch. it challenges me to have an even more teachable spirit. something that doesn't come naturally to any human but i feel especially me. "[pride] is strong with this one." at this moment i yearn for my Father to break me of it. i say that with knees knocking together because "breaking" is NEVER comfortable. but i know hardness is ugly and has painful jagged edges. i want my cracks smoothed out by His hands to not have any edges that might scratch or gouge people.
i am thankful for the blessings he has bestowed on me: a job, a date when i will see my love again, and a love that i wouldn't trade for anything in the world with a man that body, mind and soul i will never be able to separate myself from.
My savior is saved
original July 11th '12
"... did you not know what you were asking for in becoming a military wife?" Perhaps I didn't. I don't think anyone does. I've been reading up on the subject; yes, I'm a geek, nice to meet you. It's been painfully refreshing to know I'm not the only one who thinks and feels what I do. I mentally prepared for it as much as possible. But no one can ever understand some major life event until it is experience: mentally, physically, emotinally or spiritually. Mine is all of the above. Not just mine, any wife whose husband has been called away by duty to his country. I quote many, many other military wives that say, "You don't understand unless you are one. It either makes you... or breaks you." I intend, in God's power alone, to be one that it makes!
But I did not come here tonight to talk about my journey, but rather the reason I know I can make it through this journey, my inspiration to keep going. That reason is my husband. I wish I could tell each and every one of you the intricate details of each instance and situation this man has had to endure and has endured! By the very nature of his vocation, a United States Marine, he endures untold pressures most civilian men or women will never face. I thank each person who wears that Eagle, Globe and Anchor. I have seen and tasted your world. And I bow my head in respect for the life you must lead. It is not an easy one. You are the few and have every right to be proud for what you face every day. Yes Oorah's and Yuts are appropriate at this point!
My man though, and he is one at that, I married no boy for no boy could withstand what he does, he faces more challenges beyond the call of duty to his nation. He wakes up to a world everyday that is parched for God. Moreover, it is antagonistic toward what and Whom he believes. The enemy of our souls has done his best to bring him down. He must fight everyday and stake his claim in his Father's kingdom, not that of the prince of this world. He fights seen and unseen for his faith. Yet not only for his faith does he fight, but he fights for me and us. Almost every other relationship he has seen a buddy of his have when they met no longer exists. Marriages, engagements, dating relationships, none of them have a good track record in the military. However, our God has seen fit to make ours last and mature through this military life. His fellow Marines have marvelled at the vitality of our relationship, and praise God all he can do is give glory to our Savior. He has strengthened us both for this task.
But when waves hit, the man I married amazes me at how he can weather it and, just like a time we had at the beach when the current was too strong for me to stand, he grips my wrists and pulls us both back to shore, to safety. God gave me a man who He knew was strong enough to ford through the strong currents for both of us. He is a man who constantly is forced to go against the tide. It's tiring but he is the stronger for it. I am in complete awe of his ability to withstand set backs, cruelty, pain, disappointment and still come to my aid to help me wade through those deep waters. His capacity for kindness, patience, generosity of spirit never ceases amidst these trials. He took the advice of a beloved mentor to us both. He was told just before leaving for basic training, "Remember who you are and Whose you are." He has not forgotten either.
I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man as my husband, who lives a life that I cannot fathom having, but he does it to the glory of His Savior. Benjamin Arthur Wilburn always saves my day but that's because he has been saved for an eternity with his King, my King as well. To whoever calls Jesus Christ Lord and Master, He is Savior King to us all.
I love you baby.
"... did you not know what you were asking for in becoming a military wife?" Perhaps I didn't. I don't think anyone does. I've been reading up on the subject; yes, I'm a geek, nice to meet you. It's been painfully refreshing to know I'm not the only one who thinks and feels what I do. I mentally prepared for it as much as possible. But no one can ever understand some major life event until it is experience: mentally, physically, emotinally or spiritually. Mine is all of the above. Not just mine, any wife whose husband has been called away by duty to his country. I quote many, many other military wives that say, "You don't understand unless you are one. It either makes you... or breaks you." I intend, in God's power alone, to be one that it makes!
But I did not come here tonight to talk about my journey, but rather the reason I know I can make it through this journey, my inspiration to keep going. That reason is my husband. I wish I could tell each and every one of you the intricate details of each instance and situation this man has had to endure and has endured! By the very nature of his vocation, a United States Marine, he endures untold pressures most civilian men or women will never face. I thank each person who wears that Eagle, Globe and Anchor. I have seen and tasted your world. And I bow my head in respect for the life you must lead. It is not an easy one. You are the few and have every right to be proud for what you face every day. Yes Oorah's and Yuts are appropriate at this point!
My man though, and he is one at that, I married no boy for no boy could withstand what he does, he faces more challenges beyond the call of duty to his nation. He wakes up to a world everyday that is parched for God. Moreover, it is antagonistic toward what and Whom he believes. The enemy of our souls has done his best to bring him down. He must fight everyday and stake his claim in his Father's kingdom, not that of the prince of this world. He fights seen and unseen for his faith. Yet not only for his faith does he fight, but he fights for me and us. Almost every other relationship he has seen a buddy of his have when they met no longer exists. Marriages, engagements, dating relationships, none of them have a good track record in the military. However, our God has seen fit to make ours last and mature through this military life. His fellow Marines have marvelled at the vitality of our relationship, and praise God all he can do is give glory to our Savior. He has strengthened us both for this task.
But when waves hit, the man I married amazes me at how he can weather it and, just like a time we had at the beach when the current was too strong for me to stand, he grips my wrists and pulls us both back to shore, to safety. God gave me a man who He knew was strong enough to ford through the strong currents for both of us. He is a man who constantly is forced to go against the tide. It's tiring but he is the stronger for it. I am in complete awe of his ability to withstand set backs, cruelty, pain, disappointment and still come to my aid to help me wade through those deep waters. His capacity for kindness, patience, generosity of spirit never ceases amidst these trials. He took the advice of a beloved mentor to us both. He was told just before leaving for basic training, "Remember who you are and Whose you are." He has not forgotten either.
I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man as my husband, who lives a life that I cannot fathom having, but he does it to the glory of His Savior. Benjamin Arthur Wilburn always saves my day but that's because he has been saved for an eternity with his King, my King as well. To whoever calls Jesus Christ Lord and Master, He is Savior King to us all.
I love you baby.
Newly Wilburn
original June 14th '12
It's early in the morning and I should be sleeping but before I make a concerted effort I just had to write a little bit. This past year as most of you know was a stretch of our faith... but He proved faithful. A dear mentor and father in the Lord gave me this verse soon after Benjamin left over a year and a half ago and it has been fulfilled in our life: 2 Tim. 1:12 For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. Thus I thank my God for this past year, with it's doubts, fears, fights, tears. I thank Him because it also brought laughs and memories that can never be replaced and a broadened view of our God. He CAN do it! He IS faithful! He's worthy of being entrusted with our plans, emotions, relationships, and heart. He won't sqash them. They may get bruised and cracked. But if they crack it's only so they can be remolded to a more beautiful shape to fit HIS mold, that of His Son's, Jesus Christ's image (2 Cor. 3:18; Rom. 8:29). We had to lay down our plans and desires this past year. My flesh kicked at not getting "what I wanted it, and when I wanted it. And i wanted it NOW!" But God began teaching us personally the lesson of John 12:24 "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." If we die to ourselves, our plans and desires, and surrender to God's, we bear much fruit. I studied Matthew while Benjamin was away this past year, and the earnestness of John the Baptist's charge was imprinted on my heart: "bear fruit in keeping with repentance..." Matt. 3:8. Is my fruit habitually in keeping with repentance? Do I live a life consistent with my declaration of surrender from my own sinful way of life to the better (sometimes more difficult) plan of my heavenly Father's? Or do people still see me living for myself? Ouch! But God has blessed me with a man who fits me so well as to convict me most of the time (unless he feels like going easy on me ;)) when I do things not in accordance with the profession I've made.
And on that note... being newly Wilburn is... wonderful :) Would being together be even better? The understatement of the century. But we have faith that God will continue to teach us things by keeping us on our toes. It is such a blessing to be joined to a man who is hungry for God's heart. And, I could go on forever about him and about this next point but - young ladies "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" because there is NOTHING like the blessing of doing it God's way. Yet our Lord we know is a God of restoration. Praise Him! Joel 2:25 "And I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten..." How gracious is our God for looking out for every aspect of our lives. I am seeing and my heart quickens in anticipation of what a couple can do for the Lord. I love my husband and his leading us into the path our Lord has winnowed for us (Ps. 139:3).
Thank you ALL for praying for us this past year and now. Feeling the community surrounding us means the world to me... to us!
Love,
Mrs. Wesley Wilburn ;) hehe
It's early in the morning and I should be sleeping but before I make a concerted effort I just had to write a little bit. This past year as most of you know was a stretch of our faith... but He proved faithful. A dear mentor and father in the Lord gave me this verse soon after Benjamin left over a year and a half ago and it has been fulfilled in our life: 2 Tim. 1:12 For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. Thus I thank my God for this past year, with it's doubts, fears, fights, tears. I thank Him because it also brought laughs and memories that can never be replaced and a broadened view of our God. He CAN do it! He IS faithful! He's worthy of being entrusted with our plans, emotions, relationships, and heart. He won't sqash them. They may get bruised and cracked. But if they crack it's only so they can be remolded to a more beautiful shape to fit HIS mold, that of His Son's, Jesus Christ's image (2 Cor. 3:18; Rom. 8:29). We had to lay down our plans and desires this past year. My flesh kicked at not getting "what I wanted it, and when I wanted it. And i wanted it NOW!" But God began teaching us personally the lesson of John 12:24 "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." If we die to ourselves, our plans and desires, and surrender to God's, we bear much fruit. I studied Matthew while Benjamin was away this past year, and the earnestness of John the Baptist's charge was imprinted on my heart: "bear fruit in keeping with repentance..." Matt. 3:8. Is my fruit habitually in keeping with repentance? Do I live a life consistent with my declaration of surrender from my own sinful way of life to the better (sometimes more difficult) plan of my heavenly Father's? Or do people still see me living for myself? Ouch! But God has blessed me with a man who fits me so well as to convict me most of the time (unless he feels like going easy on me ;)) when I do things not in accordance with the profession I've made.
And on that note... being newly Wilburn is... wonderful :) Would being together be even better? The understatement of the century. But we have faith that God will continue to teach us things by keeping us on our toes. It is such a blessing to be joined to a man who is hungry for God's heart. And, I could go on forever about him and about this next point but - young ladies "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" because there is NOTHING like the blessing of doing it God's way. Yet our Lord we know is a God of restoration. Praise Him! Joel 2:25 "And I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten..." How gracious is our God for looking out for every aspect of our lives. I am seeing and my heart quickens in anticipation of what a couple can do for the Lord. I love my husband and his leading us into the path our Lord has winnowed for us (Ps. 139:3).
Thank you ALL for praying for us this past year and now. Feeling the community surrounding us means the world to me... to us!
Love,
Mrs. Wesley Wilburn ;) hehe
Thursday, December 29, 2011
i came here with a very, very different purpose in writing... haha but God wouldn't allow that. i'll still be honest. i'm learning the art of being able to be honest and not paste on the "everything's perfect smile" but still be content in my God's plan and love.
so being honest: i am sick. not deathly but enough to keep my down and that makes me feel stir crazy. moreover, it makes me miss ben like there's no tomorrow. it makes the 7,000 miles between us feel like 700,000. i just want him to be around so that way i can fully rest. i'm never at as much peace anywhere else as when i'm with him. then not only do i miss him because i'm sick and i just want him around, but his today my tomorrow is our one year anniversary of being engaged... never intended on being able to mark an engagement anniversary but... we have. and he's not around for it. not only is he not around for it but he'll probably be at a coworkers birthday party that happens to fall on the same day... if he was home he'd be with me. i'm so weary of this stage. of feeling like i have to fight for first place in his life.
so i came to this place to vent my hurt and tiredness of this time in my life but before i did i read my two closest friends latest writings. and it reminded me of how much reason i have to rejoice... honestly even if i can't think of a reason because my emotions have clouded my mind. but i know it exists. it exists because He exists. a most precious woman once told me, "you can always find your sense of home. it doesn't depend on where you are or if you're with Ben. you'll have Jesus, so you can be home anywhere." i thought i'd not have to implement this until i move over to japan or someplace new. but more and more as this place does not feel like my home as my heart intertwines itself with my future husband i see now i must start now. Jesus first becomes ever more real to me. As much as i long to be with the man God has given to me (well soon) I must first and foremost bind my heart to my heavenly Savior. How beautifully agonizing the christian walk is. it is not for the faint of heart.
so being honest: i am sick. not deathly but enough to keep my down and that makes me feel stir crazy. moreover, it makes me miss ben like there's no tomorrow. it makes the 7,000 miles between us feel like 700,000. i just want him to be around so that way i can fully rest. i'm never at as much peace anywhere else as when i'm with him. then not only do i miss him because i'm sick and i just want him around, but his today my tomorrow is our one year anniversary of being engaged... never intended on being able to mark an engagement anniversary but... we have. and he's not around for it. not only is he not around for it but he'll probably be at a coworkers birthday party that happens to fall on the same day... if he was home he'd be with me. i'm so weary of this stage. of feeling like i have to fight for first place in his life.
so i came to this place to vent my hurt and tiredness of this time in my life but before i did i read my two closest friends latest writings. and it reminded me of how much reason i have to rejoice... honestly even if i can't think of a reason because my emotions have clouded my mind. but i know it exists. it exists because He exists. a most precious woman once told me, "you can always find your sense of home. it doesn't depend on where you are or if you're with Ben. you'll have Jesus, so you can be home anywhere." i thought i'd not have to implement this until i move over to japan or someplace new. but more and more as this place does not feel like my home as my heart intertwines itself with my future husband i see now i must start now. Jesus first becomes ever more real to me. As much as i long to be with the man God has given to me (well soon) I must first and foremost bind my heart to my heavenly Savior. How beautifully agonizing the christian walk is. it is not for the faint of heart.
My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Do I really need a healer?
I look at myself and realize, I am hurt and bleeding, in need of healing. And I think, what did I do wrong Lord?... wait a minute. Something doesn’t seem right with that question. I realize that is my natural reaction to seeing my need for a healer, which I’ve needed o so much lately. But there is something terribly wrong with that question. It means I expect that I should never be hurt. That if I experience pain I have done something wrong and I have to be punished. Any maybe I did do something wrong, but my pain is not the result of a vindictive God’s sadistic pleasure being carried out on me. God forgive me for even coming close to thinking that way.
I live in a world of sin; from the moment I drew breath I should have expected to be hurt and in need of a healer. If I didn’t need healing, I wouldn’t need a healer, I wouldn’t need God. And if I didn’t need God I’d be God. That answer I know.
As I thought about it more I realized: what would a person look like who never had been hurt at all? What would I look like if I never was hurt? A person I don’t want to be! I would be soft and live in a fantasy and never ever ever be able to minister at all, because those who need to be ministered to are… you know it – HURT!
2 Cor. 1:
“3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 6 But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; 7 and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.”
God’s smarter than me and already said it. We are hurt so we can be comforted and then how we learned from our own comforting directly from God, we can pass that along to others. So I need to lay down my pride, which is all it is when I don’t want to be hurt. It’s pride because it’s saying, “God I don’t need you to come in a fix me, I’m fine.” “God, I don’t want to admit I need help.” “God I don’t trust that you can truly carry away all my pain. Can’t you just let me avoid it instead?” “God I don’t want to have to learn any lessons from this pain and I certainly don’t want to share it with others.” “God, I don’t want what you want for me.”
May this never be my response. I know I will have it again and I will have to confess again but I will press toward that higher goal and reach for the UPWARD call of Christ Jesus, MY Lord and SAVIOR.
I live in a world of sin; from the moment I drew breath I should have expected to be hurt and in need of a healer. If I didn’t need healing, I wouldn’t need a healer, I wouldn’t need God. And if I didn’t need God I’d be God. That answer I know.
As I thought about it more I realized: what would a person look like who never had been hurt at all? What would I look like if I never was hurt? A person I don’t want to be! I would be soft and live in a fantasy and never ever ever be able to minister at all, because those who need to be ministered to are… you know it – HURT!
2 Cor. 1:
“3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 6 But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; 7 and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.”
God’s smarter than me and already said it. We are hurt so we can be comforted and then how we learned from our own comforting directly from God, we can pass that along to others. So I need to lay down my pride, which is all it is when I don’t want to be hurt. It’s pride because it’s saying, “God I don’t need you to come in a fix me, I’m fine.” “God, I don’t want to admit I need help.” “God I don’t trust that you can truly carry away all my pain. Can’t you just let me avoid it instead?” “God I don’t want to have to learn any lessons from this pain and I certainly don’t want to share it with others.” “God, I don’t want what you want for me.”
May this never be my response. I know I will have it again and I will have to confess again but I will press toward that higher goal and reach for the UPWARD call of Christ Jesus, MY Lord and SAVIOR.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
On Veteran's Day, I fell in love
Aug. 2010, We drove to Tampa, his mom, sister and I to see him off at the MEPS station. I still have the visitor sticker in my bible… I’m never getting rid of that bible. He had left the night before and had gotten there earlier. We found him and then for hours sat without saying much… what was there to say? Him and I did steal a few minutes to speak about our mutual feeling that a lot was about to happen. But bootcamp we knew was to be our test. From day one of our dating we lived in a countdown until the 6 months of “regular” dating we could have would be up and then 3 months of separation would be the making or breaking of us. It was cause for many tearful nights. But that day had finally arrived when the next countdown began. We sat there knowing the storm was brewing and we didn’t know if it would dash our ship onto the rocks or push our boat to shore. But some good things had happened with the advent of his leaving… we had hope. We clung to it. I watched that Benjamin, who in retrospect seems like such a young boy, be sworn in as a defender of this nation and its constitution. We both were so young. We sat again, in more silence. It seemed all we could do was stare straight ahead but squeeze the other’s hand, clinging to that last bit of time before he was taken from me. He finally had to go. And he left with a brave smile on his face.
Sept.-Nov. 2010, Many tear stained letters and some letters that could have been novelettes were sent back and forth. We did our best to share our lives with the other though we were over 300 miles apart. The letters I received showed a different person than the one I started dating. But he was different not in how I feared and had been warned the military can “warp” men. He was honest, and honorable; hardworking and always faithful. He was listening to those perversely blessed DI’s. Honor, Courage, and Commitment was their creed and “Semper Fidelis” (Always Faithful) was their motto. They were shaping the man I had left on hold, the man I might have waiting for me at the end of 3 months to start a life with after that… His letters were filled with stories that made my heart soar with pride in the man he was becoming, never giving up and sharing his faith even in that hell hole. I began to wonder, could it be possible? He will be even better than the man I left in Tampa? Could this possibly be the man I could give my life to forever? More scary confirmations came. Once a Sunday morning sermon convicted and showed me areas of my life that needed work. And what happened, Benjamin’s next letter came and he always included a scripture that had impacted him that week he wrote to me. That week’s scripture… you have no idea how accurately it spoke to my situation. I was not the only one to think it more than uncanny. Then I got my last letter before… I saw him again.
Nov. 10th, We road tripped up to Parris Island. No one had even been as excited to travel somewhere as I was on that trip. Nothing could touch me. I was going to meet the physical representation of the man I had come to know in these amazing love letters. I came to give an answer to the question asked many times in those letters, “will you marry me?” But I had to see, was this man real or only on paper? He told me that very thing when I heard his beautiful voice for the first time in 3 months, the Sunday before we came to see him. “I’m real Wesley. I’m not just that man on paper. All I’ve written to you is true. And I have a few things I need to ask you when I see you…” We arrived the night of the 10th, the Marine Corps Birthday. The next day we would be reunited with him at Family Day. I would see him on…
Nov. 11th. I barely slept and awoke with ease. No matter how little I slept, I was going to meet this mysteriously perfect man who claimed he was not fiction. I got ready, wanting to look perfect. And we left before the sun rose. It was cool, perfect weather. It had a sparkle, if it’s possible for air to have such. We had a 20 minute drive ahead of us. I took in all the sights out the window, eating it all up knowing it got me that much closer to him. We made our way from the car to meet the boys who had gotten there much earlier to see the colors ceremony and get every detail of the new Marines getting ready for their Motivational Run, where we could catch a glimpse of our Marine… our Marine. As we shivered in waiting, we strained out eyes searching for ours in the sea of green sweatshirts and shaven heads. They all looked the same but I knew that was far from true. There was one whose heart beat for me and I would find him. And it began; their cadences rumbled the ground in unison with the drumming of their feet on the pavement. My spirit sailed in the strength of their cries. I felt at home hearing their chanting. It was the cry of warriors, of a warrior… my warrior. And then that form I had not seen in 3 months ran right past all of us. His family jumped for joy and yelled his name. I could only stand in dumbfounded amazement… he exists. He was there. He is real. Then we had to wait for two more hours. But I didn’t mind. I had seen him. And in just two hours I would actually be able to see him face to face, speak with him, hear him, feel him. We were directed to a building. On our way we passed much of their training apparatus, buildings he had been in, lived in these months. I felt I was a in a story book. That day had a magic of its own. I was on cloud nine; not even these words can express how it felt. But it felt too real and wonderful to be true. And I passed those hours basking in the glow of the glorious sun that warmed my face almost as much as my heart was warming me internally. Finally we were moved into to arena where we would see him again and be able to have him at long last. It was a huge stadium seating arena. The masses of people were indescribable. We found our seats and sat tensely. And then the ceremony began. They played clips of the boys in training and we heard heart wrenching songs that moved our now military hearts. As we fought back tears, slowly they entered. And in all the prestige the military, nay the Marines can muster, in came our boys marching in perfect unison. Every movement was as a unit. They were one. As we searched the crowd to now find a uniformed man I could barely contain my emotions, a new sensation for a very stoic girl previously. A voice boomed over the speakers, they were released to their families… to us. Suddenly the sea of heads became a stampede of people bee lining for their Marine. I was stunned. My tears stopped. The world started to slow and my vision became zeroed in on one target: a tall, slender man standing very quietly, his eyes softly searching the crowd but not far enough to see what he was looking for. He looked away after a minute of his failed conquest and I desperately wished I knew what he was thinking now. He was such a somber figure. Is this who I was looking for; this calm and contained person? Humbleness poured from his serene figure. I had to move. The boys were faster than I pushing their way through the crowd. I was too in shock to push. I only quietly and courteously made my way past people. I wanted to will myself to shout, “MOVE!” I looked up through the few people left in my way and saw Peter hug his brother... It must be him. I saw his old smile break across his face as his friend embraced him. His baby brother was just behind him. I had to focus back on getting through this crowd. My heart was screaming, “Please, I miss my Marine too! Let me go.” It’s as if they heard me. Just as miraculous as the Red Sea, the mass of people parted and in my peripheral vision I saw the people I knew. I felt as if all eyes turned to me. But I only saw one face… quiet and older but ever so assuring, gentle and loving. I looked closer… into those beautiful blue eyes. Benjamin. The last thing I remember when I was still on my own two feet was uncontrollably taking one step toward him. The next thing I knew, somehow, I was in his arms. My feet wrapped behind his back and my tears stained his uniform. All I heard was his voice, “Shh, it’s ok. I’m real. It’s ok. I’m here.” This can’t be real can it?! He is real?! I had to step down back into reality, literally, but only for a second. I slowly came to grips with how marvelous my reality was that day as we walked in a crowd. I hung back, partially not wanting to demand his attention and partly still in disbelief. He continually would come back and get me. “There you are, I wanna talk with you” he’d say and take my arm and wrap it around the crook of him bent forearm. We delighted in the privilege of whispering and giggling again as we caught each other up on funny little stories. He squeezed my hand at the lunch table. His hand or eye was never far at any point that day… He was real. This man straight from a dream, from love letters was living and breathing and in love with me… and I knew from the moment I
saw his eyes for that first time again… I was in love too. He said on the night he proposed to me almost two months later, “We fell in love through these letter”. And he was right, he stole my heart there. On November 11th I knew I could give it away. On Veteran’s Day one year ago… I fell in love.
Sept.-Nov. 2010, Many tear stained letters and some letters that could have been novelettes were sent back and forth. We did our best to share our lives with the other though we were over 300 miles apart. The letters I received showed a different person than the one I started dating. But he was different not in how I feared and had been warned the military can “warp” men. He was honest, and honorable; hardworking and always faithful. He was listening to those perversely blessed DI’s. Honor, Courage, and Commitment was their creed and “Semper Fidelis” (Always Faithful) was their motto. They were shaping the man I had left on hold, the man I might have waiting for me at the end of 3 months to start a life with after that… His letters were filled with stories that made my heart soar with pride in the man he was becoming, never giving up and sharing his faith even in that hell hole. I began to wonder, could it be possible? He will be even better than the man I left in Tampa? Could this possibly be the man I could give my life to forever? More scary confirmations came. Once a Sunday morning sermon convicted and showed me areas of my life that needed work. And what happened, Benjamin’s next letter came and he always included a scripture that had impacted him that week he wrote to me. That week’s scripture… you have no idea how accurately it spoke to my situation. I was not the only one to think it more than uncanny. Then I got my last letter before… I saw him again.
Nov. 10th, We road tripped up to Parris Island. No one had even been as excited to travel somewhere as I was on that trip. Nothing could touch me. I was going to meet the physical representation of the man I had come to know in these amazing love letters. I came to give an answer to the question asked many times in those letters, “will you marry me?” But I had to see, was this man real or only on paper? He told me that very thing when I heard his beautiful voice for the first time in 3 months, the Sunday before we came to see him. “I’m real Wesley. I’m not just that man on paper. All I’ve written to you is true. And I have a few things I need to ask you when I see you…” We arrived the night of the 10th, the Marine Corps Birthday. The next day we would be reunited with him at Family Day. I would see him on…
Nov. 11th. I barely slept and awoke with ease. No matter how little I slept, I was going to meet this mysteriously perfect man who claimed he was not fiction. I got ready, wanting to look perfect. And we left before the sun rose. It was cool, perfect weather. It had a sparkle, if it’s possible for air to have such. We had a 20 minute drive ahead of us. I took in all the sights out the window, eating it all up knowing it got me that much closer to him. We made our way from the car to meet the boys who had gotten there much earlier to see the colors ceremony and get every detail of the new Marines getting ready for their Motivational Run, where we could catch a glimpse of our Marine… our Marine. As we shivered in waiting, we strained out eyes searching for ours in the sea of green sweatshirts and shaven heads. They all looked the same but I knew that was far from true. There was one whose heart beat for me and I would find him. And it began; their cadences rumbled the ground in unison with the drumming of their feet on the pavement. My spirit sailed in the strength of their cries. I felt at home hearing their chanting. It was the cry of warriors, of a warrior… my warrior. And then that form I had not seen in 3 months ran right past all of us. His family jumped for joy and yelled his name. I could only stand in dumbfounded amazement… he exists. He was there. He is real. Then we had to wait for two more hours. But I didn’t mind. I had seen him. And in just two hours I would actually be able to see him face to face, speak with him, hear him, feel him. We were directed to a building. On our way we passed much of their training apparatus, buildings he had been in, lived in these months. I felt I was a in a story book. That day had a magic of its own. I was on cloud nine; not even these words can express how it felt. But it felt too real and wonderful to be true. And I passed those hours basking in the glow of the glorious sun that warmed my face almost as much as my heart was warming me internally. Finally we were moved into to arena where we would see him again and be able to have him at long last. It was a huge stadium seating arena. The masses of people were indescribable. We found our seats and sat tensely. And then the ceremony began. They played clips of the boys in training and we heard heart wrenching songs that moved our now military hearts. As we fought back tears, slowly they entered. And in all the prestige the military, nay the Marines can muster, in came our boys marching in perfect unison. Every movement was as a unit. They were one. As we searched the crowd to now find a uniformed man I could barely contain my emotions, a new sensation for a very stoic girl previously. A voice boomed over the speakers, they were released to their families… to us. Suddenly the sea of heads became a stampede of people bee lining for their Marine. I was stunned. My tears stopped. The world started to slow and my vision became zeroed in on one target: a tall, slender man standing very quietly, his eyes softly searching the crowd but not far enough to see what he was looking for. He looked away after a minute of his failed conquest and I desperately wished I knew what he was thinking now. He was such a somber figure. Is this who I was looking for; this calm and contained person? Humbleness poured from his serene figure. I had to move. The boys were faster than I pushing their way through the crowd. I was too in shock to push. I only quietly and courteously made my way past people. I wanted to will myself to shout, “MOVE!” I looked up through the few people left in my way and saw Peter hug his brother... It must be him. I saw his old smile break across his face as his friend embraced him. His baby brother was just behind him. I had to focus back on getting through this crowd. My heart was screaming, “Please, I miss my Marine too! Let me go.” It’s as if they heard me. Just as miraculous as the Red Sea, the mass of people parted and in my peripheral vision I saw the people I knew. I felt as if all eyes turned to me. But I only saw one face… quiet and older but ever so assuring, gentle and loving. I looked closer… into those beautiful blue eyes. Benjamin. The last thing I remember when I was still on my own two feet was uncontrollably taking one step toward him. The next thing I knew, somehow, I was in his arms. My feet wrapped behind his back and my tears stained his uniform. All I heard was his voice, “Shh, it’s ok. I’m real. It’s ok. I’m here.” This can’t be real can it?! He is real?! I had to step down back into reality, literally, but only for a second. I slowly came to grips with how marvelous my reality was that day as we walked in a crowd. I hung back, partially not wanting to demand his attention and partly still in disbelief. He continually would come back and get me. “There you are, I wanna talk with you” he’d say and take my arm and wrap it around the crook of him bent forearm. We delighted in the privilege of whispering and giggling again as we caught each other up on funny little stories. He squeezed my hand at the lunch table. His hand or eye was never far at any point that day… He was real. This man straight from a dream, from love letters was living and breathing and in love with me… and I knew from the moment I
saw his eyes for that first time again… I was in love too. He said on the night he proposed to me almost two months later, “We fell in love through these letter”. And he was right, he stole my heart there. On November 11th I knew I could give it away. On Veteran’s Day one year ago… I fell in love.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Along the Hwang Ho Valley where young men walk and dream,
A flower boat with singing girls came drifting down the stream.
I saw the face of only one come drifting down the stream.
You are beautiful, small and shy.
You are the girl whose eyes met mine
Just as your boat sailed by.
This I know of you, nothing more,
You are the girl whose eyes met mine
Passing the river shore.
You are the girl whose laugh I heard
Silver and soft and bright;
Soft as the fall of lotus leaves
Brushing the air of night.
While your flower boat sailed away,
Gently your eyes looked back on mine,
Clearly you heard me say,'You are the girl I will love some day.'
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
makes all the difference
And I remember that fight
Two-thirty AM
As everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the "Goodbye"‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said, "I’ll never leave you alone."
You said, "I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine.
Having a man who will hang on no matter what, tell you "just take me hand and I'll do the rest"; that makes all the difference in the world...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I have no cutesy plan or inspired revelation to share right now, just a mish-mash of emotion I want to vomit onto the screen. I feel like a bi-polar personality whose manic and depressive stages come in bursts of seconds. Or they somehow exist simultaneously. I don't even know. I just know my brain is astir and can 't rest until I throw up something on this bleach white screen.
I went through a stage for about a month where I was on a mountaintop. Everything felt right and great. Nothing dimmed my view, even hardships. Now here is the valley. Yet, I have been through so many valleys much darker than this one that this seems only like a road-side ditch. I think that's the reason it doesn't seem so bad. God has prepared my heart for valleys so as a song says "the valley's lookin small when I'm with you/ don't land us til I see a clear view". I know I'm on His back and that's why it's not as dark and deep. He's got tall shoulders. He's walking in the valley with me. And the valley is partially by my own sin... how great and gracious a Father we have who will carry us through the consequences of our own sin.
That was a manic spurt. Sound too clean and neat? Yea, well here comes a bitterly honest depressive wave: the idea was presented recently to me that I don't share enough of my woes. People don't know what's going on in my life. They chided me for it. And perhaps they're right. But one, at the time that was my mountaintop stage. Two, now not at that stage, I don't even know how to begin explaining it in terms anyone can understand unless they have experienced it themselves... I feel a part of me has- well not died, it will come back, gone to sleep? No, too sweet. Yes, it has died. I promised to be honest. Part of me is dead, only I have a promise of it coming to life again. Forgive my cryptic style. I'm so used to not sharing personal information readily. I'm talking about the man I'm promised to. He's gone. And has been gone for too long. It's hard. That statement is an assinine replacement for what I actually feel but again this type of thing can't be explained unless it's experienced. Sadly I am alone in this (in the flesh, I know God can sympathize with all my weaknesses hallelujah Heb. 4:15). Only two people come close to being able to relate, one of them is the other half of me, my love and life, the man I will marry and my heart is already so bound to.
You can't even fathom how agonizing it is. Day in and day out living life apart. I was reminded by a dear friend, which is why I bear them no ill will, that he will now have a part of him that won't ever come back. That made it evident to me that this is a part that I will not have of him. Not that he will keep it from me. Just how could he explain something so foreign to me, so different from where I am right now? This does not mean I bemoan my choice, which people cautioned me about when I first chose to be here. Another friend, bless them, was almost upset at him for wooing me because they knew this day would probably come. I know they only thought of me and my welfare. They saw in me what I think most people see, this apparent weakness of mine. And yes I am weak, too weak to those who know me very well, in mind, body and spirit. Yet, what many don't see and I didn't always either is what Benjamin and I believe God called out in me- a dormant tenacity. I am strong in the midst of all my fraility. I know I am, and it must be only by His strength. I feel Eph. 3:16 lived out daily in me.
Yes, I don't feel whole anymore. Yes, I cry at night sometimes. Yes I feel an ache all too often and a buzzing of his name in my brain that feels it shall bore a whole in my head one day. I feel I am going mad sometimes and on the verge of suffocating when no one can understand and I just have to swallow it and smile, "He's fine. I'm fine. God is good." Still, in the end, I know I am not cracking. This is far from the end. I know our Lord, the only One keeping Benjamin and I together, has great plans for us. Don't fear friends, Ben and I are alright. We are not in any danger of going anywhere in relation to each other in case my honesty has you wandering. I just let you peek behind the curtain to see just how humble and small the wizard of Oz is. She is not all flash and smiles. Only her God makes her so. She truly is fine. Wesley Dara Casey is ok. Not even hanging on by her fingernails ok. The kind of ok where once I finish this blog I will slide down under the covers, and smile at the thought of Benjamin being somewhere out there, knowing he loves me more than any other human does and points me ever and always to Christ. And I will sleep peacefully because the thought of how mighty and loving my God is to have given me the strength to walk this road I know I am called to. It is my commission and I sense with suriety that as 2 Tim. 3:17 says we are equipped with all we need to accomplish every good work planned for us, so too do I feel I have and am being given the specific tools and measures of strength and grace to live out what God has ordained to be my life: the future bride of a distant Marine who waits in hope and faith of who her groom is and when his return shall be, living in faith that their God "is able to guard what [they] have entrusted to Him until that day." 2 Tim. 1:12b
So good night all. I pray even in your valley if it's anything like mine you can still sleep at peace like I have faith I will because you are being carried on the Father's shoulders.
I went through a stage for about a month where I was on a mountaintop. Everything felt right and great. Nothing dimmed my view, even hardships. Now here is the valley. Yet, I have been through so many valleys much darker than this one that this seems only like a road-side ditch. I think that's the reason it doesn't seem so bad. God has prepared my heart for valleys so as a song says "the valley's lookin small when I'm with you/ don't land us til I see a clear view". I know I'm on His back and that's why it's not as dark and deep. He's got tall shoulders. He's walking in the valley with me. And the valley is partially by my own sin... how great and gracious a Father we have who will carry us through the consequences of our own sin.
That was a manic spurt. Sound too clean and neat? Yea, well here comes a bitterly honest depressive wave: the idea was presented recently to me that I don't share enough of my woes. People don't know what's going on in my life. They chided me for it. And perhaps they're right. But one, at the time that was my mountaintop stage. Two, now not at that stage, I don't even know how to begin explaining it in terms anyone can understand unless they have experienced it themselves... I feel a part of me has- well not died, it will come back, gone to sleep? No, too sweet. Yes, it has died. I promised to be honest. Part of me is dead, only I have a promise of it coming to life again. Forgive my cryptic style. I'm so used to not sharing personal information readily. I'm talking about the man I'm promised to. He's gone. And has been gone for too long. It's hard. That statement is an assinine replacement for what I actually feel but again this type of thing can't be explained unless it's experienced. Sadly I am alone in this (in the flesh, I know God can sympathize with all my weaknesses hallelujah Heb. 4:15). Only two people come close to being able to relate, one of them is the other half of me, my love and life, the man I will marry and my heart is already so bound to.
You can't even fathom how agonizing it is. Day in and day out living life apart. I was reminded by a dear friend, which is why I bear them no ill will, that he will now have a part of him that won't ever come back. That made it evident to me that this is a part that I will not have of him. Not that he will keep it from me. Just how could he explain something so foreign to me, so different from where I am right now? This does not mean I bemoan my choice, which people cautioned me about when I first chose to be here. Another friend, bless them, was almost upset at him for wooing me because they knew this day would probably come. I know they only thought of me and my welfare. They saw in me what I think most people see, this apparent weakness of mine. And yes I am weak, too weak to those who know me very well, in mind, body and spirit. Yet, what many don't see and I didn't always either is what Benjamin and I believe God called out in me- a dormant tenacity. I am strong in the midst of all my fraility. I know I am, and it must be only by His strength. I feel Eph. 3:16 lived out daily in me.
Yes, I don't feel whole anymore. Yes, I cry at night sometimes. Yes I feel an ache all too often and a buzzing of his name in my brain that feels it shall bore a whole in my head one day. I feel I am going mad sometimes and on the verge of suffocating when no one can understand and I just have to swallow it and smile, "He's fine. I'm fine. God is good." Still, in the end, I know I am not cracking. This is far from the end. I know our Lord, the only One keeping Benjamin and I together, has great plans for us. Don't fear friends, Ben and I are alright. We are not in any danger of going anywhere in relation to each other in case my honesty has you wandering. I just let you peek behind the curtain to see just how humble and small the wizard of Oz is. She is not all flash and smiles. Only her God makes her so. She truly is fine. Wesley Dara Casey is ok. Not even hanging on by her fingernails ok. The kind of ok where once I finish this blog I will slide down under the covers, and smile at the thought of Benjamin being somewhere out there, knowing he loves me more than any other human does and points me ever and always to Christ. And I will sleep peacefully because the thought of how mighty and loving my God is to have given me the strength to walk this road I know I am called to. It is my commission and I sense with suriety that as 2 Tim. 3:17 says we are equipped with all we need to accomplish every good work planned for us, so too do I feel I have and am being given the specific tools and measures of strength and grace to live out what God has ordained to be my life: the future bride of a distant Marine who waits in hope and faith of who her groom is and when his return shall be, living in faith that their God "is able to guard what [they] have entrusted to Him until that day." 2 Tim. 1:12b
So good night all. I pray even in your valley if it's anything like mine you can still sleep at peace like I have faith I will because you are being carried on the Father's shoulders.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Grieving Grace
I've been battling, fighting thoughts of fear, guilt, inadequacy, like i totally missed my exit ramp on Wesley's Life Highway. I "knew" it wasn't right what I was thinking, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)". But I wasn't feeling it. Driving to work my brain was working it over and over. I messed up. I've sinned. Made mistakes. How can I fix that? I'm not perfect now...
I was listening to some worship music. Suddenly something in the song on at the time made it click: I'm not perfect now... When have I ever been perfect?? I've sinned. I DO sin. I need grace, constantly! I realized I wonder if God let me mess up like that because my pride is so darn invasive in my heart (sad but true) He had to let me fall just so I could better realize that state of grace that I should claim as His child. Now hear me! I am NOT saying made me sin, James 1:13 "Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone." But because of Romans 8:28 which we all know I believe He knew my pathetically weak state and I'm sure with sadness in His heart knew I had to be given some leash to choke on a little.
This probably sounds rather dismal right now doesn't it? But it isn't! Yes, my sin is grievous. I abhor it YET my God is a Redeemer! As Job cried I too join in screaming in fear, shame, doubt, satan's face, "As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the earth!" (Job 19:25) HALLELUJAH! I saw, He allowed me to fall so I can better understand my need for grace. I will completely abase myself at the moment and tell you: I am one of the more prideful persons. I can't stand it! I was even so arrogant some time back to think I didn't have a pride problem; "that was a sin I don't struggle with", HA! Let me tell you God has been knocking me off my own pedestal quite a bit - like this morning- but I am so grateful. My pride was so strong I needed to fall a little deeper to see how awful I am so I can better praise Him for His gift of grace.
Once I was warned with my fellow young believers who've also grown up in the church that we were in more danger of pride and falling into sin from the standpoint that we had not fully been mortified over our sin and realized the depth of our depravity like an ex-druggie or party"er" possibly could have. They committed society's and the church's "big" sins. Where we "good little christian kids" had not. Ours were and are the private ones and sadly and erroneously the one's classified as "not that bad". We need to stop doing that! James 2:10 says I'm just the same as the druggie. But that danger is valid and true. I fell and fall into that pit. So God reminded me, "Nope, Wesley, not true. Look you sinned. Yep, you failed. You're not perfect. Shocker! Realize you are in just as much danger of being a dirty, rotten human - HUMAN, and accept that you NEED My grace."
When I let go as accepted this, my heart was nothing but filled with thanksgiving for my God who saved me from the pit. His grace is so beautiful and I don't deserve it. Even after being His child i chose, CHOSE, to spit in His face with not choosing Him, a.k.a. sinning. Yet, He was longing for me to come back. How long suffering and loving is our Father and Lord! I am with Paul completely:
I was listening to some worship music. Suddenly something in the song on at the time made it click: I'm not perfect now... When have I ever been perfect?? I've sinned. I DO sin. I need grace, constantly! I realized I wonder if God let me mess up like that because my pride is so darn invasive in my heart (sad but true) He had to let me fall just so I could better realize that state of grace that I should claim as His child. Now hear me! I am NOT saying made me sin, James 1:13 "Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone." But because of Romans 8:28 which we all know I believe He knew my pathetically weak state and I'm sure with sadness in His heart knew I had to be given some leash to choke on a little.
This probably sounds rather dismal right now doesn't it? But it isn't! Yes, my sin is grievous. I abhor it YET my God is a Redeemer! As Job cried I too join in screaming in fear, shame, doubt, satan's face, "As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the earth!" (Job 19:25) HALLELUJAH! I saw, He allowed me to fall so I can better understand my need for grace. I will completely abase myself at the moment and tell you: I am one of the more prideful persons. I can't stand it! I was even so arrogant some time back to think I didn't have a pride problem; "that was a sin I don't struggle with", HA! Let me tell you God has been knocking me off my own pedestal quite a bit - like this morning- but I am so grateful. My pride was so strong I needed to fall a little deeper to see how awful I am so I can better praise Him for His gift of grace.
Once I was warned with my fellow young believers who've also grown up in the church that we were in more danger of pride and falling into sin from the standpoint that we had not fully been mortified over our sin and realized the depth of our depravity like an ex-druggie or party"er" possibly could have. They committed society's and the church's "big" sins. Where we "good little christian kids" had not. Ours were and are the private ones and sadly and erroneously the one's classified as "not that bad". We need to stop doing that! James 2:10 says I'm just the same as the druggie. But that danger is valid and true. I fell and fall into that pit. So God reminded me, "Nope, Wesley, not true. Look you sinned. Yep, you failed. You're not perfect. Shocker! Realize you are in just as much danger of being a dirty, rotten human - HUMAN, and accept that you NEED My grace."
When I let go as accepted this, my heart was nothing but filled with thanksgiving for my God who saved me from the pit. His grace is so beautiful and I don't deserve it. Even after being His child i chose, CHOSE, to spit in His face with not choosing Him, a.k.a. sinning. Yet, He was longing for me to come back. How long suffering and loving is our Father and Lord! I am with Paul completely:
Romans 7:15, 18-25a
For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am, who will set me free from this body of death?! Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
And he continues his thought process in chapter 8 which I already referenced, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the laws of sin and death!"
Praise be to God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ! What more can I say? God gives us grieving grace so we can then truly understand grateful grace. "O to Grace how great a debtor/ Daily I'm constrained to be/ Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee/ Prone to wander Lord I feel it/ Prone to leave the God I love/ Here's my heart Lord take and seal it/ Seal it for Thy courts above"
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
l.o.v.e. this song
O everytime we say goodbye I die a little
Everytime we say goodbye I wonder why a little
Why the gods above me who must be in the know
Think so little of me
They allow you to go
And when you're near
There's such an air of spring about it
I can hear a lark somewhere begin to sing about it
There's no love song finer
But how strange the change from major to minor
Everytime we say goodbye
Monday, June 27, 2011
Taking off the bell
My best friend, Abby, who is pursuing God in the Ukraine this summer, said it perfectly: to grow, you have to be stretched. And does stretching feel good? After approximately 18 years of dancing, let me tell you the answer is not all that much! Sometimes it feels good but many more times it hurts!! You are forcing your body and limbs into places and positions it is not used to going and it is screaming at you, "What are you doing?!" But we dancers did it anyway because we knew the end results would be better for us. We'd be stronger and more flexible to be more capable of executing dance moves.
Our spiritual walk is just the same. In order to grow, God must lead us down paths that often feel unnatural, are painful, and are difficult to get to. Our physical muscles actually tear when we work out, that's what soreness is; so too do our spiritual muscles. To gain strength in and for our God, we have to be torn. What a conundrum: to be better Christians and closer to our Lord, we must experience that breakdown of something in us. We must experience trauma to a degree. This doesn't sit easy with our Western Culture image of the Christian life: warm a pew on Sunday, give your 10%, if you want to really experience His "blessing" get involved in children's ministry. Do this and you will have the American Dream... errr. Wait a second, somehow I missed the verse that promises a two story in the suburbs, a shiny new sedan (let's not get greedy, we are Christians afterall), and our hardest dilemma is deciding on what movie to see Friday night. What I read is verses like James 1:2-4
Our spiritual walk is just the same. In order to grow, God must lead us down paths that often feel unnatural, are painful, and are difficult to get to. Our physical muscles actually tear when we work out, that's what soreness is; so too do our spiritual muscles. To gain strength in and for our God, we have to be torn. What a conundrum: to be better Christians and closer to our Lord, we must experience that breakdown of something in us. We must experience trauma to a degree. This doesn't sit easy with our Western Culture image of the Christian life: warm a pew on Sunday, give your 10%, if you want to really experience His "blessing" get involved in children's ministry. Do this and you will have the American Dream... errr. Wait a second, somehow I missed the verse that promises a two story in the suburbs, a shiny new sedan (let's not get greedy, we are Christians afterall), and our hardest dilemma is deciding on what movie to see Friday night. What I read is verses like James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produce endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Sound comfy? NO! Consider it joy WHEN, when not IF you encounter various trials. So difficulty, hardship, pain, experiences and people that are less than our definition of perfection, pretty sure this all falls under normal and should be expected happenings. Somehow this lesson escaped my notice for years.
I, until recently had lived under the wrongful assumption that if something didn't go as I figured it should, that automatically meant it bad, wrong, not of God, you name it. Time to recalibrate. God finally decided I was ready to be refined of this immature perspective. I realized that sometimes what God wants, has planned and is the right thing to do is like a tantalizing tight rope. Not too far to the left, not too far to the right, just there perfectly balanced in the middle. Sounds kind if like Goldilocks taste-testing the Three Bears porridge. God asks us to do a balancing act. Come be a Christian it's like running away to the Circus! Woohoo!
Also, for growing up in the Church, I had some funky views of God. I see now my whole life I've struggled with expecting the worst from God so to speak. If I wanted something automatically I assumed God was either not going to give it to me or make it really really hard and difficult to get to it. I always expected second best from Him or pain and torture basically (like Purgatory, I couldn't have the best because I had to pay for my wrong-doings... yea that whole grace thing hasn't penetrated yet). I failed to take to heart the verse I had read a million times: "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" (Matt. 7:11) To make it even worse, though, I also thought if He was going to give me what I wanted it had to be perfect (aka on my terms... you all laughing with me?). I looked for the wondrous, amazing, mind-blowing, Jesus-level awesome to be answered in my prayers. Again I overlooked one of my favorite stories for the lesson it teaches that I so badly needed, 1 Kings 19:11
So He said, "Go forth and stand on the mountain before the Lord." And behold, the Lord was passing by! And a great strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing."
God does not often show up with fireworks or in this case a hurricane, earthquake or a holocaust but in a breeze. He is in the small. Just like how Jesus appeared on earth, nothing special, average, no flash or verve about Him (Is. 53:2). What He did and said was the frill. It only makes sense that He does this because of our flawed nature. If He came with bells and whistles, that's what we would focus on and miss whatever He was trying to teach us that just happened to have bells and whistles attached to it.
For too long, I've been expecting bells. What I didn't know was what looked like "frill-less" things in my life would bring about and grow in me the most beautiful peals from the bell He crafted in my heart and it's the most beautiful, frilly thing I've ever seen... because He built it.
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