Monday, December 29, 2008

one piece to the puzzle

i have a larger one coming on my reflections and revelations from the trip overall but that must be saved for when i have more time, no headache, and after a better nights sleep. so here is one day's thought- the day we left.

Dec. 27th-
Two days after Christmas and the glistening warmth of the holiday is gone. The picturesque blanket of white is gone, replaced by cold, dark rain. The land is frigid and barren. It feeds and tears at my soul at the same time. Last night was the breaking point for me. I needed to go home. I've been away too long. I thought leaving would do me good; it only gave my mind time to run wild.
Finally this dreary day we set off for home. The weather befitting my melancholy mood. So many emotions and realizations have come this trip I anticipated to only be a simplistic jaunt to Bebe's (what I call my mom's mom).
I've been reading Psalms as usual and a fabulous book that God knew I needed. All speaking to my place in life now. But God still has His little ways to let me know He's there. It seems His conviction comes from His Word, a book like I'm reading, or a person's word's. His pure encouragement seems to come from things I see in nature or merely a pleasure read. But today i saw something that I hope was one of those "signs". Perhaps when I notice these things it is not a true and sudden revelation but a culmination of realizations God already gave me buried deep inside my heart and He finds instances to bring them together in front of my face. Or these are simply romantic notions of a girl with too active and analytical imagination. [And God is hysterical right now... as I try to unravel His mind]
No matter, here's what I saw:
Coming out of that small Midwestern town onto the highway, my languishing eyes gazed out the window to see the grey view mostly full of trees. Suddenly a strip of land more typical of the neighboring Kansas landscape of corn fields with small barns and scattered farm equipment and a house dotting the horizon occasionally. Of course the fields are empty and dead in the middle of Winter. As I took in this scene a patch of vacant field came into view. For some reason I completely identified with it: flat, cold, dead, resting, waiting for seed and cultivation. As I looked harder I could see the tip of some trees off in the distance. We traveled farther on and those peeking branches just out of reach began to grow in sight and they were joined by others. The tree line moved closer and close to the edge til my picture was completely changed to one of a nearly black forest. It was thick but then began to clear again to reveal a small field. At the end of that grassy patch, I suddenly faced the front of a thing you would think only seen in the movies or written about in novels - a tiny white country church with that pristine and perfectly proportioned steeple and those cozy white steps with rod iron railing leading to burgundy door. Yep all that your imagination conjures. There it was after my dead field and the dense forest. Then just behind peeked a small white home...

Monday, December 15, 2008

i have you

i know i haven't blogged in forever... i'm sorry. but the world is back to... well not anywhere near normal but school is done thus one HUGE weight is off my shoulders. yes mr. creasman i know i passed them all but just passing is not acceptable!! the world is messy and my life is complex and painful. my emotions have failed me once more. i placed my hope in something that let me down and it hurts but i'm trying to learn (i'm trying to get the lesson God!) that i can not place my trust in men! only in Him.

but tonight is not a night for dwelling on my aching heart but a joyous occasion - an anniversary!!!! yes i am completely single but i have an anniversary today : ) today December 14th is the closest reconing that abby and i can come to when we actually became best friends. and it is a happy day. four years whooo! and tonight we celebrate our singleness! we've known each other for 7 years but it took 3 before we became what we are now. even today people think we're twins. haha "we're six months apart you do the math". i remember the conversation that probably sealed the deal at Gabriel's. ah Gabriel's, what good memories. those were the days yet i'm so glad my life has moved on. things come and go. that's how it happens... however i never want this to end - my whatever you call it i have with abby. she's not my friend. she's much more. she's not my sister because sibling love has the excuse of being family. there is a natural love that comes for your own flesh. but we are not related at all. yet she is like my sister. she truly is my other half. we have gone and still go through practically the same drama. we learn from each other's mistakes. we've never fought. we can understand any emotion of the others and more than likely we are going through the same thing at the same time... oh yea and we can finish each other's sentences. for years i went without a good friend let alone a best friend. now for 7 solid years i've had a good friend and for 4 years going i have a best friend and as time has gone on, i have the other half of my spirit - not merely a kindred spirit.

so today i am nearly 20 and can stand with the dearest person to me in the world and say "yes i'm single because i have you". we have our song and our crazy conversations in which neither or us need to finish a sentence. i love you my dear friend. happy anniversary!