Then and Now

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back?"

Do you have any idea how a person can change? I'm beginning to see. Within the last couple of years, I've become nearly another person, I feel. However beyond that I've thought how differently my life could be now. If my surroundings and people in my life hadn't changed, it is very strange and surreal to think of where I would be now.

As some know, I was born in Dallas, Texas and lived in Canton until I was nearly four. We had owned a house on five acres of undeveloped land and our closest neighbors, who weren't that close, we're farmers of some sorts. On the weekends I would wake up to the sound of my dad on our property using the chain saw to cut fire wood. We had two pet rabbits we bought from our farmer friend who usually sold them for other purposes than pets. : ( But on the weekends we would take carrots and apples to his donkey, Poncho! My dad would mow the lawn on a tractor and I would ride with him. We have a picture of the two of us, he in his overalls and cap and I in my "matching" purple overalls and train conductor cap. I loved going out with him. A big goal in mowing besides cutting the grass was to chase down and run over snakes... *gagging*. Because we lived near a lake, they were prevalent. Besides snakes, scorpions were a big problem too. My parents tell of a time I was just a baby, only crawling and a scorpion had snuck in the house and found it's was into my vicinity. My new curiosity compelled me to investigate. Just as I was reaching and nearly about to grab it, my mom saw and snatched me up. My favorite story though was this: my parents told me, no lie, that they were considering for my birthday to buy a pony. We had the space definitely.

Thinking about this lately, in a slightly joking manner, but with a touch of reality, it occurred to me what kind of person I could be now. Yes, working off some stereotypes, remember though this was a joke, I theorized who I would be. After living out in the consummated country with little contact, surely a thick accent, farming our vegetable garden, taking care of my own pony, probably going to the local public high school, (imagine what an experience that would have been) my family situation was very different then so I'm pretty sure had I stayed there my whole life I would have been desperate to get out of the house, I concluded that I would have married my high school sweet heart and now nearly 21 I would probably be on my second child.

I was very out-going and a ham as a child, though like today, I preferred adults' company. Doubtful I would have danced, I probably would have been a cheerleader and I bet you any money my guy would have been a football player! HAHAHAHAHA! Actually for that part of the world, it might have been the 4H champ. *Hysteria* Please ask if you don't know what that is. So for you all who know me, isn't that the craziest thought? I mean to look at what I am today or at least who I was in high school. In middle school, I was slightly awkward, though who isn't at that age, trying to find my place in the social circle. As time went on, I became more and more of a loner pretty much. By high school, I made an awkward fit into the brainy group. I tried sports and just didn't fit there. And the popular kids were just too popular for me. I got used to my status as a wallflower. "I'm invisible and I'm good at it." That was totally me. In all my circles, besides my closest friends, I was known for being deathly quiet. A complete change from what I was as a child. I became analytical, a thinker, thinking so deeply, sometimes I wonder if to my own harm. I found my place and comfort in dance. That eventually would become my solace and circle of friends and people who knew me best.

Now that has changed also... "it's a funny ol' world in' it?" : )

i think this pic sums it up pretty well...

He first loved us.

How do I begin to explain all that has passed in and out of my heart and life? So much has happened and I feel more liberated than I ever have! I believe what I am experiencing is a freedom in Christ that has finally come after years of much struggle, millions of tears, and the worst heartache I could imagine. But in exposure to what I thought I wanted, the revelation of my secret heart's thoughts came. In allowing myself something I never thought would be permitted like this, I've found peace and my joy again. God is growing me up... by giving me more freedom. It feels so weird. I guess... do I dare wonder is it because I have endured long enough He granted me this? I still have so much to learn, but He loosed the corset strings just a little and this deeper inhale is unbelievable.

I can rest in Him again. My desire is ever more clear and present YET I love Him so much I know whatever the outcome it will be ok. Growing up in Him is the most fulfilling experience. How can anyone live apart from Him?

i'm back... finally. and what i have to say won't be easy to express because it's about silence, the absence of something and how do you tell that??? i've been going through some CRAZY emotional roller coasters recently and i'm finally "evening" out again... hope it sticks. ya being a girl rocks! *sarcasm* and in my truly insane state, i was demanding an answer from God. almost screaming at the, what i felt to be, brassy heavens, stamping my little fleshly foot, and threatening the Almighty if i didn't get my way... with things utterly ridiculous or terrifying. after about a week of despair, endless tears, and raging i just had to let go. no amazing rescue from Him, no light bulb came on. and that's what i had been counting on. when i get like this that's what saves me: a knight in shining armor in the form of a new perspective or a scripture or simply a smoothed out emotional state will ride up and save this pathetic damsel in whiny distress.

that didn't come this time... like a two-year-old in a hissy fit, i just had to cry it out and then GET A GRIP! as a friend told me, i just probably was not accepting the answer that God was trying to give all along and self-destructing trying to make a new one. as i groped then for some help from my only true Comforter, i prayed and pleaded for some revelation. "how do i handle this? what am i supposed to think?" a thought occurred to me, so revolutionary compared to what i had been fuming about, it dazed me. in essence what i thought was "i like silence, i want silence". no more noise, no more demanding answers. just nothingness. that night my devotional hit the spot. it was titled "Listen to the Silence", some of it said:

"If I choose to hide you away, it is for a reason. If I wish to give you a time of rest, it is for your own good. Nothing is amiss that is in My will... I have brought you to this place. Make the most of it. Drink in the silence. Seek solitude. Listen to the silence. It will teach you. It will build strength."

Today I felt a whole week or month had passed for all the thoughts that were cluttering my mind. I found myself begging God for mere peace. For all the thoughts to just stop! Not that they were even terrible thoughts to have, simply distracting or too many at once. I wanted silence. I don't care about an answer, the solution to this riddle. God will work it out in His own timing and I don't want to tangle my brain with what I have no real insight into. If you know me at all, you should be fainting right now ; )

I want silence because it has it's own words that can never be heard unless you hear nothing else. I am reminded of Watermark's song "Still", "even silence has a song, cause that's when you come sing over me". This evening i continued to pray for silence. And i had one of those awesome moments when you know you hear the Spirit. Words came to my mind to pray that i had not generated, "Give me an answer in the silence." And i was in a place as i said that i did not need an answer. But I guess God wanted to give me one. : ) Then in my devotional, as it's done all throughout, it spoke directly into my situation:

"Do not hold back in wonder and disbelief. Accept My life is the Spirit as it is... Breathtaking? Perhaps. But how could you expect anything less of Me?... you will see much that is now obscure to you because you have chosen to walk in the darkness. I have better things for you - things in keeping with Myself. You have not truly known Me. You have been hindered in you comprehension by what you have read and been taught. There is very little more concerning Me that you can learn from human sources. You can know Me in the Spirit only when you go deeper in you worship... Only the heart that is melted in devotion is pliable in My hands... Labor not to be wise but to be yielded... There will be death and there will be a glorious resurrection."

Breathtaking! My God is breathtaking. That's the place i wanted to be back at. He is so good to put me back in the crook of His arm and tell me He won't let go.

too long...

it's been too long since i've been here. so i come back tonight, yet with very little to say. so much has happened in my life over the past couple of months but if i tried to put it all into words there would be much silence. my experiences have not been in tangible form. just changing emotions and transforming mindsets. i continue to be brought to a deeper level of neutrality, silence and waiting. i feel so much growth MUST be taking place. not that i see the results yet but for all that i've walked through, i know it is nothing else but God's hand in my life. i think this is a pruning stage. so i have not necessarily grown "taller" just been cleaned up a little, still a part of the overall growing process. He is doing this as i grow older and now is the time to make my faith my own, which i feel has happened.

i am still waiting and watching, having faith that the salvation of the Lord is near at hand. for i know it is good to wait silently on the Lord. i must be broken before Him. as clay in my Potter's hands, if i am not constantly molded and pounded down, i will become hard and immobile. daily my Master must break me. i rejoice constantly that i was set apart before the foundation of the world to be His own, an adopted child and a bought bride, bought with a precious, precious price. i am not redeemed by corruptible things, not by silver, not by gold, and not by aimless tradition. but with the lifeblood of my beautiful heavenly bridegroom who is preparing our home where we will reign together and live with no more pain and no more tears forever more! amen! come Lord Jesus, come!

the little wildflower

betwixt two worlds
waiting for roots to grow

the little wildflower

natural processes assumed

no fear disheartened or shook

the little wildflower

time changes all

misplacing the morsel of life

the little wildflower

passers by ignored

roots sprouted here and there

the little wildflower

years demand space

where to stay and grow

the little wildflower

growth brought assumption

living chords attached rightly so

the little wildflower

winds blew free

displacing comfort and all known

the little wildflower

what to do

a life needs to grow

the little wildflower

an open field

safety and place were offered

the little wildflower

vines wound 'round

finally assurance of realized needs

the little wildflower

green connection produced

but the life not provided

the little wildflower

healthy grass diminished

a field offered new adventure

the little wildflower

supposed newness undone

now where, just be forgetten

the little wildflower

please don't forget

...

the little wildflower

a long time coming

i've finally finished what could be the most helpful book apart from the Word and wanted to compile all the phrases and words i highlighted just to see what comes of it:
- "In some Christian gatherings people are asked to turn around and look the person next to them full in the face, even if he is a perfect stranger, and say, with a broad smile and without the least trace of a blush, 'God loves you, and so do I,'... This apparently makes some of them feel good. Perhaps it even convinces them they've obeyed the strongest and toughest command ever laid on human beings: Love one another as Christ has loved you. No wonder people cast about for some other word to describe what they feel...."

- "My walk with Christ is rather an alone one."

- "The struggle was not over any unwillingness to cross an ocean or live under a thatched roof, but over whether this was my idea or God's..."

- "'Me, Lord? Single?' It was an obstruction to my prayers and the subject of recurrent dreams."

- "He would have to be a man who prized virginity - his own as well as mine - as much as I did."

- "By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere."

- "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awaken love until it pleases."

- 1 John 4:16 "God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God..."

- "O Love, that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee,
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be." George Matheson

- "Are we in a bargaining position with our Creator, Redeemer, the Holy One?"

- "Women still dream and hope, pin their emotions on some man who doesn't reciprocate and end up in confusion."

- "Wasn't it sufficient that I honestly desired to love God and do what He wanted?"

- "Be it by water or by fire, Oh, make me clean, Oh make me clean!"

- "As I grew into womanhood and began to learn what was in my heart I saw very clearly that, of all things difficult to rule, none were more so than my will and affections."

- "The fair new petals must fall, and for visible reason. No one seems enriched by the stripping."

- "Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship."

- "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad."

- "Doesn't He want me to be happy?... He wants you most to be holy."

- "Hold Thou Thy cross between us, blessed Lord,
Let us love Thee. To us Thy power afford
To remain prostrate at Thy pierced feet -
There is no other place where we may meet."

- "... the heart set to do the Father's will need never fear defeat."

- "For His presence known shall be
By the holy harmony
Which His coming makes in thee."

- "Yea, build in me the buttressed
bastion of faith
That shall resist the undersucking flow
of soulish tide,
And make me endure this late attack,
I pray, in Jesus' name."

- Isaiah 54:5 "Your husband is you maker, whose name is the Lord of Hosts."

- "Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear."

- "I could not love thee, dear, so much,
Loved I not honor more"

- "Lovesickness may seem a trifle compared with other maladies, but the one who is sick with love is sick indeed, and the Heavenly Father understands that. He steadily draws us along the pathway to glory, if our deepest heart is set on His kingdom, if we are not of those whom Psalm 78:8 describes as 'a generation with no firm purpose, with hearts not fixed steadfastly on God.'"

- "When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die."

- "It is not that everything that has anything to do with ourselves is in itself wicked and deserving of death... It was a choice to lay down everything - the good He had done and the good He might do if He was permitted to live - for the love of God. The same choice is offered to us."

- "God spoke peace into my emotional turmoil because I was... silent enough to hear it."

- "They dress most gloriously in preparation for death."

- "Are you willing to face grief and pain or whatever it takes for Me to make you that?"

- 2 Cor. 4:17, 18 "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen."

- "Pray that you may be an intrusment of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy."

- "Let not our longing slay the appetite of living."

- "... the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done."

- "If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?"

- "After you have suffered a while, he himself will mend that which was broken. If all struggles and sufferings were eliminated, the spirit would no more reach maturity than would the child."

- "What hindereth thee more than thine affections not fully mortified to the will of God?" Thomas a Kempis

- "Wait on God. Keep your mouth shut."

- "Quietly courageous."

- "A woman's beauty should reside... in the innermost center of her being...."

- "It was in learning to eat that Living Bread, sufficient always for one day at a time that i was taught and disciplined and prepared for later things."

- "Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all that life really means." Robert Louis Stevenson
"Take therefore no thought for the morrow....
Give us this day our daily bread.
... As thy days, so shall thy strength be."

- "What his own soul felt as bitter pain,
From making others feel should man abstain... if I look back longingly upon what used to be, and linger among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing of Calvary love. Keep the level of my love in Christ - never lower."

- "... forgetfulness of self in order to be strong to serve."

- "Have I an object Lord, below, which would divide my heart from Thee?"

- 'Oh, how delicate are the tuggings of my Beloved, and how calloused my responses."

- "Far too long hath there been a slave and a tyrant concealed in woman. On that account woman is not capable of friendship: she knoweth only love."

- "All that is perfectly human and perfectly natural in us must first be offered. It does not become inhuman and unnatural by this offering...."

- "I wanted to marry a man prepared to swim against the tide."

- "It is only the few who will pay full price. You get what you pay for."

- "If your goal is purity of heart, be prepared to be thought very odd."

- "Are there any who still search the sky for the beacon of purity?"

- "Measure your progress by your experience of love of God and its exercise before men...."

- "But true Christians consider themselves as not satisfying some rigorous creditor, but as discharging a debt of gratitude."

- "If you feel sure you are standing firm, beware! You may fall."

- "I asked the heaven of stars
What I should give my love -
It answered me with silence,
Silence above,

I asked the darkened sea
Down where the fishes go -
It answered me with silence,
Silence below.

Oh, I could give him weeping,
Or I could give him a song -
But how can I give silence
My whole life long?"

- "The disposition... to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self."

- "Hold us in strength and hold us still"

- "At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."

- "God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. When you look at the oak tree, you don't feel that the "loss" of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your life, the less terrible will the losses seem.... The seed does not 'know' what will happen. It only knows what is happening - the falling, the darkness, the dying."

- "If any man will let himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."

- "Could it be that we are crossing the same river, but far enough apart to be at different depths, wisely kept so so that we would not sing together?"

- "Trusting Him, then requires that I leave some things to be decided by others."

- "Love... is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God...."

- "Each is to esteem the other better than himself."

- "... the life I now live is not my life, but the life which Christ lives in me...."

Lucy, i'm really home!

so that was christmas, now here's a little of new years.
it was quite strange to come home then leave two days later on my own. it was also a very new experience to spend the last few minutes of '08 and the first few of '09 in a house not mine, surrounded by people i don't now all that well. Then finishing out the New Years celebration by sitting on the floor with the boys watching Return of the King til about 3 am. haha o man way to break in 2009 whew! just after the passing of midnight i wrote "What an odd way to end one year and bring in another. So i delve into my psyche and collect the memories of this past year. New became old hat and non-existent came to be. I had a growth spurt and then grew weary from the growth pains. So a new year is called for to bring life back into my body."

i can't wait for a new year, mostly. i like time moving forward, bringing more events and time to stuff in my experience box, relying on my charts and diagrams to confirm my findings collected from Divine, parental, personal, and friendly sources. the first week of the new year was interesting, exciting, intriguing, exhausting. things happened to make me raise an eyebrow, smile, others raise an eyebrow no doubt, my smile change to a beaming one, my brow furrowed in thought, music discovered to unravel the knots of my soul, laughs to confirm and reaffirm love and camaraderie i would not trade for the world. caps were tossed like "monkey in the middle" inside my head, from mouth to mouth. my skills with a 9 mil barretta were discovered and noticed. other things were noticed again. opportunities were presented and doors will be walked through. i pray they lead to only good. i know i'm sounding extremely ambiguous, get over it! plus if you know me, you should be able to understand about everything.

here are some not so cryptic statements:

- what are words when we can have unawkward silences?!

- i'm not kidding, get paper!

- our conversations are more awkward than our silences.

- but our awkward conversations aren't awkward at all!

- you're my freak so it's ok.

- "bubble bath"= Diana getting drunk

- leg bahahahahaha

- hammocks inspire all kind of giggles

- "i'd be a lot more submissive if i could slay dragons." the most oxymoronic statement i've ever heard

- "i love you. i love my mommy too" : )

- American Restoration, it's time for change ; ) it will happen! youtube here we come

Lucy, i'm home!

o man! i've been gone forever. my parents have become strangers, thus lengthy sessions of hanging on their necks was in order : ) my own bed is an awesome nest to huddle in yet being away from home makes me feel so much more prepared for life... in some senses... more domestic haha. my christmas break and new years has been a whirlwind and i'm trying to stop my head from spinning *doing sautes now (if you're not a dancer don't try and understand)*. but life is about to go back to normal... well school is starting again ewwww! though that won't even be normal this semester. i haven't blogged in forever but hey certain someone's who shall remain nameless *coughing no one's name* i'm not the only one!

so this break and what's to come... "lemme esplain. no takes too long; lemme som up" please tell me you got that and i didn't make those disgusting spelling errors for nothing! well going to MO was interesting. lately, well not lately all my issues have been so internal! it's all in my head really. i just think. i fight with myself. i fight to keep my mouth shut. i ponder what i should say, shouldn't say. i restrain my tongue from rehashing dead topics. i think hard on subjects more and more like i can squeeze an answer from my turning the issue over in my brain. also i feel everything so much more deeply. that doesn't mean i've become more mushy at least to the public. sorry all i still don't cry haha ; ) i find myself wishing i could cry though, hmm strange ugh i'll think about that later.

*see a blank stare* sorry, so anyway MO, regarding the feeling more and mental thing, for the first time i remember at least, really LOVING that small town steeped in history. though my bumpkin meter ran too high toward the end of the trip. God bless the small town but i couldn't stay in one for over a week. but i can't explain my reaction, internally of course, to bebe being able to tell a story for each building, street, knick knack. it moved me as stupid as that sounds. walking the old cemetery was like a cool breeze through my soul. to walk through those beautiful headstones that are to help the world remember hundreds of past lives and deeds, i could feel like myself. i feel at home among the old and past, older values and codes, the quiet and known, not new. i want to walk well trodden paths that i can entrench. think of me as a restoration not a renovation and i like it that way.

after that completely unnecessary intro here are some of my thoughts and realizations while away from home in MO. i loved hearing about some family history from uncle edward. haha ah uncle edward, you gotta love him as he gives a good ol' texas "yahoo" for the whole restaurant to hear and says "God bless you to all he passes". o goodness. and about 6 times he shoved him palm in my face when he told a family story he deemed i shouldn't remember. yes all 20 years of me. but back to what he unearthed about our family. back when W. VA was just VA our family owned a whole town named after us. not casey, it was a branch further back, flescher, so flescherville. and stonewall's grandson bought it from us and it became part of W.VA and is now Weston. apparently there is some structure that tells about the history of the town that lays all this out. i was giddy when i heard this. my family owned a town! and stonewall's grandson bought it from us! eeeeeee!

then at bebe's i was reminded of the good and not all that hot aspects of my family. it just made me laugh. and we laughed, for not seeing each other that much therefore not knowing each other a whole lot we sure do laugh a bunch. it also gave me some perspective on my whole life, made me see things from a different angle. here are some things i jotted down while there:

- "can i show you my little thingy" haha bebe cracks me up

- "we are a touching family"

- boyfriends are fresh, oy good times

- my eating habits are always of interest. usually it's that i don't eat enough. now it was "hungry again?" which dad asked at one point adding "just a growing girl". i quickly replied "yea growing sideways". and in all his adorableness he said "no you're a skinny minney". <3

- Dec. 25th and the 25th Psalm was the most incredible pairing of day and chapter to read. i wrote down verse 3, 5, 14, 16, 17, 20, 21! awesome stuff

- v.21 is my theme verse: Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for You!

- bebe gave me a ring of her's that was from a WWII navy man who got it in the east probably. mom and i saw a close copy in an antique shop for $250 made with opals and rubies. she said they were popular back then and through the Vietnam War. mine are probably opals and sapphires in gold. ya pretty exciting stuff!!!

- i had the strangest dream, one of those that felt real. i had a child. very bizarre but hey i'm the most maternal right? bah!

- there was a traffic jam, in Marshall terms, at the McDonald's the 26th hahahaha ah small towns

- i was so tired of college money! it's a joke my dad and i have. seriously my tuition no longer needs to be paid ok?!

- and be careful what you pray for. God answered mine in a funny way. one morning i laid a tough situation in His hands using the famous "Thy will be done". and that night He answered it in a way i wasn't looking for.