was...

i was going to try and sleep but...
... i'm weary. i need a spiritual refresher. God what's the point in all this? what good will you bring about from all this. dont mistake me life isn't horrible, just going through a moment of weakness.
*a couple minutes later*
taking a suggestion to read the chapter of psalm that is the same day of the month:
Psalm 30, God has not lost his sense of humor

"I will extol You O Lord for You have lifted me up
And have not let my enemies rejoice over me
O Lord my God
I cried to You for help, and You healed me.
O Lord You have brought up my soul from Sheol;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down ot the pit.
Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones,
And give thanks to His holy name.
For HIs anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning.
Now as for me, I said in my prosperity,
'I will never be moved.'
O Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain ot stand strong;
You hid Your face, I was dismayed.
To You, O Lord, I called,
And ot the Lord I made supplication:
'What profit is there in mh blood, if i go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?
Hear O Lord and be gracious to me;
O Lord, be my helper'
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praises to You and not to be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever"!!!

o Lord renew my heart, renew my mind!!!

nothing major

just felt like saying hello : )

~ God is continuing to make His presence real to me. He i believe is affirming His plans, my wishes (see older post haha), doors might be opening for them, at least two of the three. the third, who knows, and at this point - who cares!!

~ i had a defining moment riding home... a couple night ago not quite sure when. but one of those late night by yourself rides where it's just you and God. i was wrapped in some favorite worship music and it hit me "if i die right now, if i crashed into something, i don't care one bit!" i have struggled before with the fact that if someone said if you could go to heaven right now would you? truthfully i'd have to say no. my flesh clung to too many things here that i was afraid i'd miss. but a couple of nights ago i felt it in my bones that "to live is Christ but to die is gain"!!! it was real it was true

~ kids make me laugh from the standpoint that a couple of weeks ago i came home thinking they are adorable and i can't wait to try my hand at motherhood. today i came home thinking kids are the craziest things. i wasn't in a sick em mood but not all lovey dovey. i still want them, just the changing mood made me laugh. my own fickleness

~ funny today being a little jesus almost got me killed, not in the way most would think. i just have to laugh at myself (and i can because i'm a girl ; )) i was listening to third day. my favorite group to worship to, and i had the impulse to lift my hands, and i did for a split second then it hit me... i'm driving. haha i'm such a moron but i know He loves me for my weirdness. i feel like i'm Jesus' "weird al yankovic" if that makes any sense haha o wow it's late

~ i had another small but amazing blessing on the way home. driving the 417 (i love it no one is there and very little man made stuff to see) right smack dab in front of me was the most amazing scene. the sun was just behind a group of clouds and it made the edges glow the most spectacular oranges and purples and pinks. above you could actually see whitish rays of light coming off the cloud. it looked like what only exists in artists minds. well it was in one Artist's mind today. staring at it i could picture what it could look like when the Lord of lords King of kings Very God of very gods appears in the sky to take away His bride and when He will return with His holy ones, us, to avenge the souls of the slain and to establish His righteous reign over all the earth. *sigh*

~ i want to start a Bible study badly. i'm looking at one that focuses on God's covenants He makes with us. it's called... Covenant...

~ don't know what school holds for the future but with all the complaining i do i am loving what i'm learning. thank you, sir, you are right. i admit it. that class has changed my life.

delicious autumn!

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." - George Eliot

dear Mr. Eliot understands me!

it always happens every year - my teens that is - my mood automatically changes when fall comes. it has been fairly hot and not too fallish until today. and you know what? i new it was cooler as soon as i opened my eyes. i still was in my bed under my five thick covers (my parents think i'm crazy and roast but i like it) in my room with a closed door and a think curtain. yes i like a cave like feel to sleep. but as soon as my senses were awake, i knew.

there is a smell about fall, even in boring pretend fall florida. there's a purity in the air it smells devoid of odor yet it's sweeter. i can't explain it. but i know that smell. i may not be able to describe it or recreate it but as soon as true fall air is here i know it. beyond the smell is something else even more intangible. fall feels amazing. spring can be fun, you feel like skipping, or even coquettish. summer is heavy which can sometimes feel oppressive or suffocating. winter always will be associated with christmas therefore it feel jovial and wonderfully childlike, cheery. but fall, fall awakens some deep well of emotion in me. i don't even know how to make anyone understand. i just feel alive. spring is always associated with growth. but in my case i feel my time is fall. in that pure sweet air and the grass is cool and crisp, the sun is a comforting amber always just setting, the magic hour. nature has that glow as if it's in love. and i have to smile at it like someone would when they see a couple sharing in complete happiness.

just tonight walking out on that beautiful scene with the glowing orb of amber above, illuminating the field of grass and the trees, oh the trees, a thought came and couldn't help but escape my lips: "oh this is God's weather". it's true, i feel closer to God in the fall. He feels nearer (is that even a word, well i like it). why i wonder does He feel this way? here on earth hug closer to ourselves, jip our jackets all the way up, even huddle closer to friends to talk, to keep warm. so are we humans try to stay warm does God come closer to keep our spirits warm? theologically i know this is nonsense but ideologically it like it.

"Autumn is the eternal corrective. It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance. What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?- Hal Borland

that's how i felt in that field tonight between those two trees, one carries fun memories of climbing. how can i stand here and not see the span of my world?! it was like what they like to call a divine appointment. i feel like this time in my life is my time. and i don't mean that like i can horde it selfishly because i don't have ties of family and job, etc. i mean that have i not been placed here for such a time as this? this is my time to do awesome works for God BECAUSE i don't have those ties. i am on fire for Him and i want to spread that fire on to others. i want to be God's hands and feet, i want to see Him do great things that i can be apart of. i want to be used by Him. now do you see what fall does to me? but it's not just the season of weather. i believe this is a season of life, a new one, i am entering and i am ecstatic! i feel God has prepared me for... something, and i can't wait to find out!!

"Youth is like spring, an over praised season more remarkable for biting winds than genial breezes. Autumn is the mellower season,and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits." - Samuel Butler

Here it is, the thought that brings it all together. i feel like i have just finished a spring season, a youthful season, learning, falling and skinning my knees. but i got up and began walking again, therefore gaining strength and knowledge. things have been taken from me that defined my whole life for years but i am coming to grips with that. but the flower of youth has passed and the maturing of fruit is growing. its a bittersweet time. for my young stage i feel like these are the twilight years before i FINALLY put them down and enter full fledged adulthood: serious job, family, children of my own, all that jazz. i know some of you might be confused: twilight years? youth has passed? well yes and no. here and now a part of youth has passed and therefore an older phase has entered. but when i truly am in my middle ages or senior years this will still be looked on as youth. it makes sense to me.

fall is here and it is doing wonderful things!

so i should be studying...

haha i've got so much homework it's not even funny but i had a revelation today driving home and i'm afraid if i don't get it all out it's going to *fpt* whisk away from my brain by the breeze or sometimes gust, even tornado, of other thoughts and obligations. so "la" to school for now...

as i've gotten older and began coming into the age of reasoned, deep conversations with my peers and superiors, a word often was tossed around: goals. it always made me quiver or roll my eyes, depending on my mood, who was presenting, or how it was presented. i always thought and to a degree still do think that some people are too goal driven. (mind you this is just my opinion, NOT claiming that it's gospel) i guess this stems from a thread in the fabric of my make up on how i exert myself. simply put, where i believe i have a fighting chance of "placing" or winning - i throw myself into it. if i see no hope for any gain, i don't. now this analogy breaks down yes because some things i have to do no matter what or God has called me to things, but in those grey areas this holds fairly true.

i have gotten so much flack about this position: that i'm lazy, or unassertive, not... goal driven. "you need goals", so many people have told me. and when i would meekly reply that i don't have many concrete one's i would face many a disparaging eye. i don't believe, overall, that those negative assertions are correct. of course i have my bad qualities, TOO many, and those could fall under that heading. yet, i've concluded that my stance is one of a super rationalist, of which i associate myself. anyway...

but i always felt bad, or weird, or something was wrong with me because i had no goals to speak of. as time has gone on i've labored to contrive a few. but my seasons of life i speculate are showing them for what they are - contrived. not true, not quite for me, not of God. so i was and am left with nothing again. i had no goals, i have none. what do i do now? i feel like a reverse deist. instead of God winding up the clock and watching it work itself down, God's trying to wind but my cogs have no direction or impetus to go. ouch!

at the beginning of this semester i has a potentially life changing idea... but it again left me in a place where what contrived goals i had were stripped from me and i was left disrobed of goals. not cool! as the first few weeks of school wore on some wishes bubbled up, but i just tossed them in the wish bin, proverbial of course. i wish i had a wish bin. haha sounds like something that would be covered with glitter and everytime a "wish" (of course they aren't tangible, just airy imaginative substances) was thrown in a fairy-like tune would whistle by. hmm me like, birthday present? haha wow

SO, after talking a tad about one of these goals over dinner, it was racing around my noggin on the ride home. slowly the other two popped up, and it hit me "why, these are goals! and i will make them goals and treat them as such!". i have goals yay. no kidding. they are placed in my heart, i feel and hope by God, some have been there eons. they just needed time to develop. so can it be argued that i've had goals all along i just didn't know it? or i hadn't til now and just needed time to grow into the "having goals in life" stage. my mom will tell you story after story of my childhood track record. "she was always about six months behind. but once she got there she was up with the rest of them". according to baby books i was six months late to walk. i couldn't snap when my friends could, whistle, ride a bike; i waited til the month after my 15th birthday to get my permit, and more than six months after my 16th to become a driver. tons of other example could be given, normal stuff took me a little longer but all these things i've got now like i never had a delay... well maybe the walking thing is in question ; ). this theory also dips into more substantial subjects in my life and therefore makes me wonder, did i just need time for me - ME not someone else telling me, but me hearing my own inner voice, rather the voice of God - to see my goals? time will tell if these will come true. it is my dearest wish that it is so. hopefully within the next... o say five years, i will be listening to hear God whisper new goals to me.

i love third day!

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain

Now I am left alone and I am broken

Trying to find my way

Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that you are holding all the answers

I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances

On roads that never seem

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying to find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without you

I've got nothing without you

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding

That I am lost again

Tell me when this road will ever end

I don't know where I can turn

Tell me, when will I learn

Won't you show me where I need to go

Let me follow your lead

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

...like some people believe in fairytales

these songs are amazing and so is the movie. even though so many other view points and lessons can be pulled from the movie the love story always floors me. this is what it should look like...

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I’ll find you

What is love and what’s it for

I’m stuck outside an open door

And no one’s come to get me yet

I never got a second bet

I’m welcomed to your fantasy

If only she was make-believe

Oh what is love and what’s it for?

Oh take me back and do me more

Ooh take me back and do me more

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, Confused

I’ll find you

Once you’re here you’re never gone

Oh, once you’re here you’re never gone

I fall from in out the cold

A piece of me that I can’t hold

I love you as I loose you more

I break outside this open door

Catch me as I wash away

Oh, catch me as I wash away

Ooh, catch me as I wash away

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose,I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I’ll find you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight the sky above

Reminds me of you, love

Walking through wintertime

Where the stars all shine

The angel on the stairs

Will tell you I was there

Under the front porch light

On a mystery night

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

The neon lights in bars

And headlights from the cars

Have started a symphony

Inside of me

The things I left behind

Have melted in my mind

And now there's a purity

Inside of me

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

a breath of fresh air...

the last week has been tough and bizarre almost beyond imagining. after contemplation and a melt down and a metaphorical kick in the pants from my mom : ) i see what the issues have been. and not that the "problems" have disappeared but i have a refreshed outlook with which to face them.

my own flesh has had a death grip on me. i was drowning in what isn't and can't be now. God hasn't gotten me there yet. He has other things apparently first. but i wasn't satisfied with that. i kicked and screamed mentally which caused a nasty attitude and depression for a couple of days... not pretty. and i still struggle. and i will still struggle but my God is mighty to save!

i wanted and still can't wait to get out of here. get away from everything around me now. slough off the old dead and ugly, and feel the cleansing freshness of new. but i can't "run from my problems, i have to face them"... and i do... nearly every day. and praise Him from whom all blessings flow i feel like i can again. here are some of the things He's been revealing to me that has refreshed my spirit. i pray it will do the same for you:

with God not "answering" to my satisfaction i grew fretful, angry, resentful even. but He showed me two of my favorite verses are right next to each other

Psalm 37:3-4 "Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

my duty now is to dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. there is something to be learned here from staying in the same ol' place that causes daily angst and to some degree pain, just any that i cause myself (that sounds masochistic, i mean emotionally) anyway! and if He holds true to His promises He will give me the desires of my heart, the one's He has placed there. i pray these dreams of mine are His.

another revelation came as i stumbled across some verses and teaching. part of my problem is i feel God is silent. He isn't speaking merely because He isn't giving me what i'm pitching a fit for, which of course is an awesome way to persuade God, HA! but i loved what oswald chambers has to say about silence:

"...His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible -- with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you silence, then praise Him... Time is nothing to God."

this is so comforting but maybe another view of His silence is that i have just been screaming too loudly so He has stopped talking til i am through. God is a gentleman, He won't go where He isn't wanted, as Ruth Graham Bell would say. but something i know i can count on is His pure unadulterated Word:

Lamentations 3:25-28, 31-32 it's long but bear with me it's so good!

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,

To the person who seeks Him.

It is good that he waits SILENTLY

For the salvation of the Lord.

It is good for a man that he should bear

The yoke in his youth

Let him sit alone and be silent

Since He has laid it on him.

For the Lord will not reject forever,

For if He causes grief,

Then He will have compassion

According to His abundant lovingkindness."

Exodus 14:13 "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today..."

AMEN! this verse is what keeps my christian blood pumpin'. it's like an inspiring message to the troops before heading into battle. "this day we stand and fight"!!!! hehe i had to get one in ya know ; )

all these verses make me want to do the will of the Father. i want to make Him proud, not just because He will reward me but just because. i can't quite explain it. i just want to. maybe because He is so good i am inspired to try to repay Him, though i can never come close. but like a child can never measure up to what a parent does for them they simply do what will please Him. i want to be a good daughter.

and so after all these meditations on His wonderful word i leave you with these final verses, my heart's cry for myself and you as well:

Lamentations 5:21

"Restore us to You, O Lord, that we may be restored

Renew our days as of old"

Psalm 24:3-6

"Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord?

And who may stand in His holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart,

Who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood

And has not sworn deceitfully.

He shall receive a blessing from the Lord

And righteousness from the God of his salvation.

This is the generation of those who seek Him,

Who seek Your face -- even Jacob."

rise up my generation and cleanse your hands, purify your hearts and draw close to God! (James 4:8)

ok...

now that i had my temper tantrum with the last post so to speak i can be a little more positive...

life is weighing me down, but i know why and it gives me some comfort: i still have distances unmeasurable ahead of me where i can draw closer to my Saviour. and He is that. He saves me from the lowest low.

Psalm 55:16 "As for me, I shall call upon God,

And the Lord will save me."

Hebrews 7:25 "Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him"

i have so much life to live and God will fill it with His purpose for me specifically. instead of doing what i have done: getting tripped up over life's little dissappointments, i must keep focused on my Lord's plans for me for His glory - not mine! each day, each minute, each second should be used for Him.

one of my favorite quotes of all:

Mr. Magorium: "37 seconds"

Molly: "Great. Well done. Now we wait."

Mr. Magorium: "No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime."

i never want to view the smallest amount of time time to waste and wait. waiting is waste. each moment has a purpose. each moment i live, i live to carry out the will of my Father. i was crafted for His glory and He will use me as another shade in His portrait of the world.

hello my pretties,

i keep you tucked away o so secretly don't i? in the spare rooms of my heart you're kept: packed tightly, warm and safe. i take great pains to not let anything touch you save for me. but when i attempt to pull you out in my free time you get a little heavier each time. you burn me a little more and bite a little harder. still i let you hurt me. why do i do that? you don't give anything positive back. by no means is it a symbiotic relationship. yet i cling to you, my torturers. someday you may be my executioners. i trick myself into thinking that is impossible, but is it? you are my treasures and precious to me. i give you much of myself... too much. today i've pulled you out of my heart to examine you every which way, like jewels. i look at you like i'm staring at pictures and reliving old memories. you just have not crystallized and those memories are yet to be made. still i play with you like you are all real: in the sun, under the moon, over my books, on my pillow, through my studies, and around my work. every night i must leave you my dears to the conscious world as i sleep. but helplessly i am visited by you now in the land of unconsciousness also. therefore now of my own free will i put you back in your haven in my heart, but i know you'll come to me soon as you have before and will again. so goodnight my dreams.