take a walk with me?

will you? no one seems to understand... but one : ).
just because i smile doesn't mean i'm happy. just because i don't talk about anything doesn't mean i'm not constantly thinking. not that God hasn't done awesome things for me but people just don't get it. i have feelings too. too many... God is moving and i adore Him for it but one just doesn't hop from one stage to another. it's a slow process. i've been good the past couple weeks but tonight after some things were said and i drove past i started crying again. again... "the tears don't hurt like the ache does" hmm

so many things race through my mind, i'm gasping for air:
"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
your presence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone...
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase...
When you'd cried
i'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream
i'd fight away all of your fears.
And i've held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.
You used to captivate me,
By your resonating light.
Now i'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams...
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,
But though you're still with me...I've been alone all along."

"Until this empty place is filled, I'll keep pretending"

"Your eyes tell a whole other story and i feel the weight of the world"

"A broken heart that the world forgot
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams giver her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel"

"You don't remember me,
but I remember you.
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you.
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do.
I believe in you.
I'll give up everything just to find you.
I have to be with you to live, to breath...
You're taking over me."

"Can you know what I know and all we had.
You saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand.
I knew you loved me then."

"swallowing this hurt
making it lie down
i'm my strongest ally,
living life as i know how
i'm carrying the weight of the world that sold me out
i'm running with my eyes closed
hoping you don't see this doubt
i'm lost for words
i'm at a loss to tell you what i need
i know there's something more
God, help me to believe
and all this time i thought the fight was only mine
i need to let you rescue me
i'm taking fire
i'm feeling tired of this fight
i need to let you rescue me
i let it go to breathe
i can't take it anymore
i refuse to wake up one more time
bleeding on the floor
i won't let myself hold back
i'll surrender what's inside
You become my healing tourniquet
so i can feel alive
i feel so exposed
i'm afraid to loosen all control
with nothing left to hold
You reach for me and wouldn't let me go"

a good laugh

nothing deep or long:

life is a laugh. the irony, and roller coasters, and joy, and stupidity, and drama, and realizations, and growth, and nothing at all. right now i just have to laugh. God is amazing at throwing us the oddest conglomeration of ingredients in our time here on earth. and to just to put the sprinkles on the whipped cream He gives us emotions to react to these events. and right now i laugh. the not quite bitter cynical laugh and not the completely mirthful one either. somewhere in between. just pure enjoyment at the irony God has put in my life. probably like what He does when we plan. "man plans - God laughs" i think i'm getting to see God's perspective on our pathetic human lives tonight. and i laugh.

realizations...

i'm still sick so i don't have the energy to make this long and cutesy but...

last night doing bible study with my family (i love doing bible study with my family. i love that we do it together. the Word brings us closer together. it's amazing right before we started we kinda had a fight. but after people apologized to each other of their own volition afterward. the healing affect of His words hard at work) anyway... we were reviewing the last chapter we did and part of the lesson was on the rich man that asked Jesus how to get into heaven. and Jesus told him to sell all his riches and give them to the poor. the rich man didn't want to hear it and went away grieving. he wouldn't do it. when we first encountered this the most obvious thought came to us. well it's hard for rich people to give up their possessions... blah blah blah. yes we know. but it came to me. i am that rich man. i was. i had things in my life that were unnecessary gifts. i hadn't had them before and weren't necessary to life. but God blessed me with them for a season. and now He whispered "wesley, can you give this up for me? will you sell it and come follow Me?" and He gave me the strength to do it. but now my flesh is hindering me from forgetting and following Him. i feel like a spoiled child when the parent is taking an object it shouldn't be playing with away. and i, the brat, have a death grip and scream rebelliously at the tearing away.

the riches of this world will be burned up. i must forsake all others, take up my cross and follow after Him. i was so convicted. i was, i am that rich young ruler. may God give me the strength to continue to let go of my riches to follow Him. but you see, riches are so hard to let go of because they are tangible, visible here and now. i know i have them. i feel secure in there existence. God... not as much. it takes faith. faith in the unseen. not so easy. God asks much of us. but why not? that means He believes we can do much for Him. we are His children and He wants us to be high achievers. the road to righteousness is so hard but only if i solely rely on my own power and flesh to do it. if i let Christ in me do it all. i can pass with flying colors.

"Lord You don't have to move that mountain

Just help me Lord to climb it

You don't have to move that stumbling block

Just show me the way around it"

"So, let go, let go

Just jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

exactly how i feel

what is it they say? a girl's favorite song will say more about her than she ever will. not that this is my absolute favorite. no song is. but it's part of the collection..

My hands are searching for you

My arms are outstretched towards you

I feel you on my fingertips

My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being

Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me

And you whisper you love me

And I begin to fade

Into our secret place

The music makes me sway

The angels singing say we are alone with you

I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry

The light is white

And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand

I give it to you

Now you owe me

All I am

You said you would never leave me

I believe you

I believe

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healed

I DONT CARE

i do not care. i'm not going to try and sound cute or artsy... just write! type rather and spill my guts - within reason.

i'm so mad i feel sick. but then why i am mad makes me mad at myself because i shouldn't be mad. it's not my problem! but my emotions won't listen. and i feel like saying so much but can't. i stepped out and got bitten. i took a fall and my wounds scream JUSTICE! but my spirit whispers "peace" be still. God is painfully teaching me to lay down my self. the self that is carnal earthly ugly and let His beautiful self take over. i am so tired of this fight and had a breakdown last night but tonight God has given me a second wind and i pray (you can too) that i will have... correction... i will rely on God for the strength to continue in what God has taught me at great price. my flesh is a powerful and threatening enemy. it knows me too well. it knows exactly where my soft spots are that satan can poke and i cry uncle far too quickly. God has been showing me that i need to seal up those gaps but it's hard work.
i just... i... i am battle weary and feel the campaign isn't over. i need, well i need God. Jesus will go to bat for me when it's time and He'll restrain me when there is no issue to be brought to light. i need His peace, His wisdom, His guidance, His healing, His love... His love. O God i have been so unfaithful! it brings me to tears to think of how my heart has wandered far from my first love. i need to remember, return, and do the things i did at first. Forgive me Father for my lack of trust in You and being such a promiscuous lover. How it must hurt God when i get tied up in stress and focus on other things and people. Here He is telling me "I've got your path completely planned and winnowed. You can handle everything before you. I want to take you on this path. Won't it be fun? Just the two of Us! I love you! Look at me, beautiful. No! Don't look at other lovers. No one will ever be able to do as much for you and love you like I can. Please don't worry about the future. Please don't. Trust me. I will not let you down. And I know exactly what you need and will give you the desires of your heart according to My perfect will." And i turned a deaf ear to that. I walked away from that face. How could i? How dare i? You still want me though don't You? Why?...
but i know and must trust that this is the case. i love You for it. i must lay down my present in Your hands that i'm still trying to grip and leave my future to You. i can't let this bother me now. my only focus is on the heavenly things and to run fast and furious head on into God. i'm limping now but i know You can heal that while i'm running and don't worry God i'll be back to full speed soon. i'll make You proud of Your daughter!

strength in no numbers?

Is this where the interstate ends?

In coastal towns like this

Waiting for my world to cave under

We seem to invent ourselves

In places left unknown

If hope could only find me out

Is this the end of everything we know?

This is the end of everything I am

Is anybody out there?Hello! Hello!

Broken hearts like promises, I left my last unknowns

Is anybody out there?Hello! Alone!

Cause the coldest winter's thread

Can't pressure me, I'm not a holy ghost

In the coastal towns of Him

Although I know a thousand names

I see my only friend

I've got the ground

All I need is ten cents for the pooling

I feel helpless, sleeping at this, waiting for your return

Are you ever coming home?

Does anybody

Do they ever listen?

Does anybody

Care at all?!

Do they care at all?

Do they care at all?

Is this the end of everything we know?

This is the end of everything I am

Is anybody out there?Hello! Hello!

Broken hearts like promises, I left my last unknowns

Is anybody out there?Hello! Alone!

Cause the coldest winter's thread on broken homes

Nonethelesser you're not here

And then we must wake this home

right now i feel very weak and alone, not vulnerable because to feel vulnerable you have to be open to someone. and to be open there has to be someone probing to open you. so much is happening and i long for the weight to be shared. again i am carrying the weight of the world and no one knows because i don't tell anyone anything. except you dear void. how kind you are to me. people always have and still do view me as the strong one. therefore i am not supported because i don't appear to need any help. you have no idea. people always make such sweeping judgments about me. i don't know why. the other day i was called judgmental and self-righteous. earlier the same day i was called boring. in some arenas i'm known as the wallflower and deathly shy, others too opinionated, some i'm confident, others i'm a ditz. i'm cold and unfeeling, selfish and hateful to some i'm sure. if all the people from each group compared notes they would dignose me with split personalities. but i do what i have to for each situation. i do what is called for and act. i worry about how i feel later. but later... later is when it gets hard. sitting among people who think i am completely fine or too fine. but i won't stoop to saying that "yes i am stressed out of my mind" or "no i'm not alright. i'm about to fall apart at the seams" this information is never volunteered and must be painfully extracted. only a precious and i mean precious few can just see something is wrong or are told something is wrong. but other wise when i feel that i can't take another step, i walk. when i can't imagine taking another breath, i inhale. and when life seems to be too much i desparately scream and ravenously claw for help without uttering a sound or making move. so in the world's eyes, i suck it up and am fine because i'm the strong one right?

every day

as i listen to THE song again, my mind churns and connects a million little moments and creates a kind of collage. the collection of recollections brings to mind why i did, have, and continue to fall in love with my lord, who happens to be Jesus Christ. isn't it amazing to think that the son of God, God Himself, WANTS us to fall in love with Him? it's like a pastor's son longing for a prostitute to love him. weird! He could have to best, the best of the best, perfection. and He wants me. Me!!! the dirtiest of all His children.

but back to my collage... as i reflect on my life, as far back as i can remember having serious troubles in life. not just my toy breaking or getting a paper cut, He has always pulled through for me. when i thought "i'll never make it through this one" or "how can this be good?" the outcome is always perfect or completely satisfying. and in satisfying i mean God gives me peace about it and i can objectively see what He wanted me to learn from it. the biggest example of this was my senior year of high school. i was very sick and it took all my strength, correction my strength wasn't enough, it took giving all of me to God, feeling like a cripple, and following blindly to JUST function in the daily activities of going to school and work. i had to trust that God would either take me out of or keep me through those tough times. and He did a little of both. once in a while, i begin feeling that way (sickness) again and i remember, i know God got me through before and i survived just fine. He can do it again! so as, in the recent days, i've been feeling like my senior year is coming back in small doses i return to my victories that Jesus awarded me. and i love Him dearly for it.

He lovingly holds His hand out. "I beseech you, beloved, trust Me. I know you completely; better than you know yourself. For I formed you. I love you from time's birth through eternity and there is nothing I want more than the very best for you." Tears fill His eyes as I shrink back. I know "the very best" may not be a frolic through the flowers. "Darling, I love you with every fiber of My being. I never want to hurt you. But if hurt comes your way, know that it will hurt Me every bit that it hurts you because you will be in My arms the entire way." I raise my gaze to His brilliant stare. It pierces my core. "How can I say no to this?" I inch forward, hesitantly, as His steadfast nature floods my being. "Come, little one, come home."

... every morning i should wake up that much closer in my Saviours embrace. Knowing Him that much more. Trusting a second quicker. Loving deeper and deeper. Coming that much closer to home.

May I Have This Dance

a talented brother in Christ wrote and performs this song. i can never hear it while keeping my composure. it's Ephesians 5 in a song!

Beauty is what I see

As you’re standing in front of me

A reflection of my heart

Crafted for my delight

You were made for glory and light

To display My majesty

This might surprise You

But give me a chance

The question I’m dying to ask…

(chorus)May I have this dance?

A divine romance

I’ll take you by the hand

And waltz through eternity

Put your trust in Me

Will you let Me lead?

I’ll sweep you off your feet

If you’ll let Me have this dance

Come here, don’t be afraid

As you draw near only be brave

And surrender to My song

Let go, lose all control

And just give yourself to the

Rhythm of following My touch

I will not hurt you

I’ll do no harm

As I take you into My arms

(chorus)May I have this dance?

A divine romance

I’ll take you by the hand

And waltz through eternity

Put your trust in Me

Will you let Me lead?

I’ll sweep you off your feet

If you’ll let Me have this dance

"if he had been privy to my attempts, could he have seen into my heart..."

my heart is so full right now. i need to let some out...

my hands shake, i feel sick to my stomach, on the edge of blacking out. what is happening to me? more like what have i made happen? God seems so near yet a frighteningly unfamiliar face. a million thoughts and ideas are tearing through my head that it makes the room spin:

"i have no talent for certainty"

"here i stand empty hands/
wishing my wrists were bleeding to stop the pain from each beating/
there you are holding me waiting for me to notice you/
but who are you?/
You are the Truth/
outscreaming these lies/
You are the truth/
saving my life"

i stop and let it soak in... my head reels and more comes:

just replace boy with girl and that about does it
"Well, she was precious like a flower/
She grew wild, wild but innocent/
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour/
She was everything beautiful and different/
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in/
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind/
She let her heart and soul right in your hands/
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans"

"I used to carry the weight of the world/
And now all i wanna do is spread my wings and fly"

"Sorrow lasts through this night/
I'll take this piece of you/
And hold for all eternity/
For just one second I felt whole/
As you flew right through me/
Left alone with only reflections of the memory/
To face the ugly girl/
That's smothering me/
Sitting closer than my pain/
He knew each tear before it came/

Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by"

"the truth is... i'm heart broken. i feel as though a part of me has died... and nothing will ever make it right"

my mother's childhood lessons comes back to haunt me: no one sins in a vacuum and no man is an island. of course we've all heard "there is a God shaped whole in all our hearts". now i feel like there is a whole and it's harder than one thinks to LET God fill it. "let" is the point. i have to let go - another line comes to mind - "let me let you go". ugh i feel like my heart and brain have run a marathon. my body feels like it's seen a ghost. haunting... hmm. haunted, yes! that's how i feel, haunted.

in the words of aunt polly"O my God, what have i done?"

i feel like a child again. lost. small. helpless. i feel like a horse. skittish. spooked. with no reasoning powers. reason has left me. abondoned me. and that is big because i have always heavily relied on my reasoning and analytical brain. just friday night someone said, "stop analyzing the situation!" i realized i was analyzing the simplest actions of someone that meant nothing. now i am left alone. i can't do it now. was that God's plan all along? to strip me of what i held most dear. i believe i use reason as a crutch to not have to think about my emotion or to think my way out of feeling anything. i don't like feeling. period. i had quite a bit as a child and decided that it wasn't going to be part of my life there on out. but now i feel crippled by this. have i damaged things in my and others lives beyond repair from this? hurting myself i can manage. i'll reason my way out of feeling, right? but hurting someone else is unacceptable. thinking of myself is pretty foreign to me. not that i am some selfless martyr. HAHA! i am foremost in selfishness. but when it comes to someone else's state of well-being, i don't know. i guess i feel i can suck it up and don't want someone else to ever have to go through what i have experienced. my mom calls me elinor from sense and sensibility. i wish i could be completely like her. forebear anything. be the strong one that everyone turns to and somehow handle my own hurt and overwhelming feelings.

finally for tonight, one last line...
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."