Monday, May 26, 2008

from: the shield

tonight i had a realization: life is comprised of nothing but spans of life lived for others. at least that's how it seems to be in my life. but as depressing and restraining as that sounds... it actually produces a wonderful sense of freedom and accomplishment. maybe this results because, unknown to me, i am being Christ in someone's life. i am doing something that to the naked eye gives me nothing. i am dying to self and letting Christ reign in me - hopefully. that is one of the greatest feelings i think in a Christian's walk: knowing i have been completely taken over by the Spirit and am doing something that is not for me. although i have about three situations where this applies now and none of them were my idea; God just kind of threw me in there and now i am just beginning to, i pray, see the right side of the tapestry. but if this is all God wills for my life: stumbling so someone else may learn, building without being built upon, and being there when i don't necessarily want to, so be it. i am being Christ for someone. Christ must increase, i must decrease. Is this what you want God? HERE I AM; SEND ME!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

every now and again

"every now and again sometimes i get lost in the waves of a dream" yep... that pretty much says it. i get carried away and lose my head. then i kick myself for doing it then i kick myself for not turning to God first. but i always wonder was it really wrong in the first place. oy. yep my life is over-thinking. but i am reminded tonight of God's goodness. i shouldn't worry about anything because worry is just a sign of a lack of trust on my part and basically telling God that i don't think He can pull through for me. but if track records mean anything, He has NEVER let me down. Never! i was talking with someone the other day and i came to realize whenever i come to a crisis in my life and start trying to turn it over to God, therefore start looking at life through spiritual eyes (this SHOULD be all the time) all of my shortcomings spiritually boil down to a lack of trust ultimately in God, yes i people to a degree but the buck stops at God. i just don't trust like i should. tonight however i am not that worried. i have a million things pressing on my thoughts but i don't feel like it's the end of the world. i am just running to the throne room of grace and crying out to my Abba for wisdom. and one thing He has reminded me of is that i have representations of Him here on earth: in my parents who i love like nothing at all and my best friend. without her i couldn't make it through anything.
this is for you : )

I remember when
We used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd
Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the tv light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
I remember when
We used to drive
Anywhere but here
As long as we'd forget our lives
We were so young and confused that we didn't know
To laugh or cry
Those nights were ours
They will live and never die
Together we'd stand forever
Those nights belong to us
There's nothing wrong with us
I remember when
We used to laugh
And now I wish those nights would last

Saturday, May 10, 2008


Dear Void,

When is "enough" enough. There are times we hear people speaking about chasing your dreams and waiting for the best you can get. Then other times we are instructed to keep to the task at hand. "Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness". So my utter perplexity is vacillating between holding out or dwelling in. When things are laid in my lap is God saying "here now let's see how well you can use this to My glory" or "this is a test to see how fast you can pass that hot potato"? Do I camp or drive through the night? Ok Ok enough with the cheesy analogies. In all seriousness, I think it's a valid question for us all to put to varying situations in our lives. Unfortunately the answer is a little illusive. Through a constant dwelling on the Saviour's face, we may finally be able to make sense of our earthly life. "Focus on the eternal"! "Focus on the King"! As one of my favorite hymns says, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus and the things of this earth will grown strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace"!!!! O come Lord Jesus, come!! The only way to find true clarity in life is to intimately know Clarity Himself. For in Him there is no shadow or turning. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! Hallelujah!

I've had enough of living life for only me

and reaching just for the things that keep destroying me

So sick of envying the lives of so many I've seen

somehow believing that they have what I need

My God's enough for me

This world has nothing I need

In this whole life I've seen

My God's enough for me

I can't explain why

I suffer though I live for You

Those who deny You

they have it better than I do

Cover my eyes now

so that my heart can finally see

that in the end only You mean anything

Who have I in heaven but You

Nothing I desire above You

My heart may fail but not you

You are mine forever

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

not quite sure

Dear Void,

i come here tonight with no certain goal or message to convey, just ramble on and pour out my present state of emotions. i hate my highs and lows. i have them because i let my emotions' catalyst be other people's emotions. this never works well for me. one minute i'm the happiest person on this planet and no one can rain on my parade. in a flash someone does or says something and i'm never going to be able to face another day. ok ok not that drastic but still not fun! if i had to chose one word to describe my state of mind it would be - confusion. because i try to read other people and i can't always do it. or do it correctly.

i have always been a simple person, never had many outlandish ideas or thrilling desires. in friend circles my ideas were always boring and moms liked me because when their children (my playmates) would come up with an idea, out of my own nature, i would inform them that it was probably not the smartest or safest idea. people call me graceful, but really the only reason they think that is because i'm known for never falling or tripping. that never happens because i'm scared of hurting myself. seriously that's a fear of mine and is a check for a lot of things i do. one reason i wasn't as good as i could have been in sports or dance is because i never took risks! and i still don't in my personal life. i had quiet elementary, middle, and high school years. well they were boring really. i was never part of any extra groups or clubs; i shied away from extra social contact outside of my established friends. my parents have always had to PUSH me into new experiences. if they hadn't i would never have ridden roller coasters, gone to AFTH my long time dance studio, gone to my church's youth group and made connections there, etc.

now at this stage of my life i feel i'm still stuck in my safe zone but the question is "is it too safe?". i am not pursuing dancing because it got a little too intense for me, i'm staying with the major i flippantly picked in my junior year and don't foresee a change, i haven't taken an wild trips and don't care to, and any decisions i've made that might be deemed risky i constantly worry about. is it ok to be this way or do i need to shake things up a bit? is it normal and healthy to be this placid? i like a+b=c, it's clean, you know what's coming and can rest easy. maybe too easy... oy, i don't know. the older i get the more i don't know! isn't it supposed to be the other way around? i guess i just feel out of place. amongst a world full of bold dreamers, i am the realist. am i out of place? do i squelch dreams? or are there others like me? i would like to meet them.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

here i am...

dear void,
so here i am! i have joined one more trend and started blogging. i can't believe it! how did i slip into something else to conform me and make me a cookie cutter person? oh well. i'll enjoy it.
i always have enjoyed the few times i journaled. i could unfurl my ideas and bare my soul in a safe haven of paper and pen. now i do the same with keyboard and computer screen. hmmm... i think way too much about nothing important and get myself all worked up and never think about anything worthwhile and am apathetic. this needs to change. here i can release my ideas into you, dear dear void, without fear of ridicule or misunderstanding at least to my face. and just maybe my ideas could be heard and at the very least appreciated and agreed with. at best they could change lives.
so here i am, to open up to you, world, and let you inside my mind. no telling what's in there. dun dun dun haha
good night dear void