Saturday, November 24, 2012

It's pain, It's a pleasure

  My Jesus is too good to me. I become so bound up in worry, fear, striving to work things out in my own strength. It only ever leaves me tense, back-biting, and bitter. I should have learned by now. But my Savior is an understanding Schoolmaster. He knows I am but DUST. Ps 103:14 "He knows how we are formed, He REMEMEBERS we are but dust." I am in awe at the mercy, compassion and tender care of my Lord. As soon as I "turn [my] eyes upon Jesus and look FULL in His WONDERFUL face, the things of earth grow STRANGELY dim in the light of HIS glory and grace." He remembers... He rememebers... ME. He knows me. He knew me and formed me in my mother's womb (Ps 139:13). He created plans before me i was even a "twinkle in my father's eye" as they say (Eph. 1:5). Why do I bother getting myself into such a tizzy? Studying about Forgiveness, I read the story of Joseph. How can I let anything permanently harm me when I read, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant if for GOOD in order to bring about THIS result, to preserve MANY people ALIVE." Gen. 50:20 God has it all. So many songs are running through my mind. Starfield's 'It's all for You' - "It's all for You, It's all for You, I'm letting go, I'm letting go" is one of them. Ps. 24:1 "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains, The world and those who dwell in it." It's all the Lord's. As my closest and bestest said once :) "when the world says they throw their hands up, that's it for them. They have nothing else. When we say that, we're finally at the perfect place of surrender." I have a bigger plan to lean on. Life never makes sense. Bad things happen, always well. No avoiding it. Sorry but reality check. People will hurt and disappoint you. End of story. They are PEOPLE. YET, my God is bigger than those situations and people. Not only is He bigger, He works through and orchestrates those things FOR MY GOOD! God does not deal in POINTLESS PAIN. Rom. 8:28 "And we KNOW that God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." That ME! I LOVE MY GOD! Thus I have a calling on my life; He has a purpose for me!

  The Creator of the universe has a purpose for me. He KNOWS me. He REMEMBERS ME... Heb. 10:31 says "It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God." And that is right. He is a just God. If we've transgressed His pure and perfect law (which we all have) and have RUN from Him, it will be terrifying when our running finally catches up to us. However, I do not fear that. Not perfectly have i executed this, but in my decision to commit my heart and life to Him, I decided to stop running I STEPPED into His hand. Thus, His hand for ME is not terrifying. Instead, it looks like this: Is. 49:16 "BEHOLD, I HAVE INSCRIBED YOU ON THE PALMS OF MY HANDS..." MY name, Wesley, is TATTOOD, if you will, on HIS palm! How precious I am to Him. And how did He permanently MARK MY NAME ON THE INSIDE OF HIS HAND? Not with a sterilized speedy needle. It was carved in with each pound of an iron nail that stayed in His hand for 6 hours. He remembers me because He let it be etched with His blood on His palm... forever. I can't wait to see it one day. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

  When I think of these things, His overwhelming Love and still constant dedication to me, how can I let anything sway me from this inexpressible joy that is unshakable? 1 Peter 1:8 "and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with JOY INEXPRESSIBLE and full of glory". If you don't know what I'm talking about or don't have the same joy please don't leave it that way. Please. There is nothing like knowing Him as YOUR Lord, YOUR best friends, YOUR lover, YOUR support, YOUR comforter, YOUR commander and captain. Zeph. 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious WARRIOR. He will exult over you with JOY, He will quiet you with HIS love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

  Rev. 22:17, 20 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the oen who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes to take the water of life without cost... He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming quicly." AMEN. Come, Lord Jesus!

Thursday, November 15, 2012


perfection. it's quiet. i can be alone with my head. but not alone. he's sleeping. perfect blend. listening to my playlist "my life". it's full of angsty music... i've been so angsty. over the past week or so it's been (sometimes painfully) pointed out... i've been too angsty. i've been so selfish. not willing to go where God's put me. or where i've put myself but it's where i am so i need to let God work in me where i'm at rather than plugging my nose and pursing my lips and bloating my cheeks with air waiting til the next (what i deem) worthy stage comes my way.

God! i am so @#^$#@$% arrogant. i am so stupidly blind. i know i still will fight my sinful heart full of satan's extrement that lies to me, that i'm above this and i shouldn't have to go through this and it's all other people's fault. not mine, cuz i'm so holy and much better. yea ok! i was going to hell. i was going to hell. wesley dara (casey) wilburn, you were all set and destined for hell. but JESUS felt like being gracious to you. HE plopped a whopper of a present on your life's doorstep heavy with eternal significance. and all i did was have to cut the shipping tape. that's it. that's freaking all i did. any other GOOD thing is the result of HIS mail in my heart. HIS not mine. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH i could scream how much i hate my sinful heart that grips and slinks in my mind and lies o so well. so attractively.

i hate the way i am. i've always been this way. i don't listen til it gets ugly. mom always told me when i was little when she asked nicely to stop doing something bad i wouldn't care and not listen. she had to practically bring down fire and brimstone before i kicked my butt into high gear... i fear i still have that syndrome. the almost 24 year old version. pray for me. i do not want to always be like that. i know God's trying to do some weeding in my heart... and he's given my such a precious source for that. ah... i am a handful... a pill. the weeds are in there stinking tight! wrapped around vein and muscle. so sadly God has to watch me bleed a little as He gets them out... but it's not HIS fault. i've let them grow too wild. not tamed them... like ever. it's time to step into my big girl married real christian pants. i didnt know what big pants i was asking to step into.

so it 's been good. hard. but good. that's the way it always seems to be... i'm ready for a break. but i can't expect one unless i'm willing to be soft and go with the flow... so basically it's on me that i've not had a break yet... i know God's totally at work. agh! it's just so tiring living in the active desire to have God work on your heart... but it's worth it.

so overwhelmed by His Grace that WANTS to make me more beautiful