one piece to the puzzle

i have a larger one coming on my reflections and revelations from the trip overall but that must be saved for when i have more time, no headache, and after a better nights sleep. so here is one day's thought- the day we left.

Dec. 27th-
Two days after Christmas and the glistening warmth of the holiday is gone. The picturesque blanket of white is gone, replaced by cold, dark rain. The land is frigid and barren. It feeds and tears at my soul at the same time. Last night was the breaking point for me. I needed to go home. I've been away too long. I thought leaving would do me good; it only gave my mind time to run wild.
Finally this dreary day we set off for home. The weather befitting my melancholy mood. So many emotions and realizations have come this trip I anticipated to only be a simplistic jaunt to Bebe's (what I call my mom's mom).
I've been reading Psalms as usual and a fabulous book that God knew I needed. All speaking to my place in life now. But God still has His little ways to let me know He's there. It seems His conviction comes from His Word, a book like I'm reading, or a person's word's. His pure encouragement seems to come from things I see in nature or merely a pleasure read. But today i saw something that I hope was one of those "signs". Perhaps when I notice these things it is not a true and sudden revelation but a culmination of realizations God already gave me buried deep inside my heart and He finds instances to bring them together in front of my face. Or these are simply romantic notions of a girl with too active and analytical imagination. [And God is hysterical right now... as I try to unravel His mind]
No matter, here's what I saw:
Coming out of that small Midwestern town onto the highway, my languishing eyes gazed out the window to see the grey view mostly full of trees. Suddenly a strip of land more typical of the neighboring Kansas landscape of corn fields with small barns and scattered farm equipment and a house dotting the horizon occasionally. Of course the fields are empty and dead in the middle of Winter. As I took in this scene a patch of vacant field came into view. For some reason I completely identified with it: flat, cold, dead, resting, waiting for seed and cultivation. As I looked harder I could see the tip of some trees off in the distance. We traveled farther on and those peeking branches just out of reach began to grow in sight and they were joined by others. The tree line moved closer and close to the edge til my picture was completely changed to one of a nearly black forest. It was thick but then began to clear again to reveal a small field. At the end of that grassy patch, I suddenly faced the front of a thing you would think only seen in the movies or written about in novels - a tiny white country church with that pristine and perfectly proportioned steeple and those cozy white steps with rod iron railing leading to burgundy door. Yep all that your imagination conjures. There it was after my dead field and the dense forest. Then just behind peeked a small white home...

i have you

i know i haven't blogged in forever... i'm sorry. but the world is back to... well not anywhere near normal but school is done thus one HUGE weight is off my shoulders. yes mr. creasman i know i passed them all but just passing is not acceptable!! the world is messy and my life is complex and painful. my emotions have failed me once more. i placed my hope in something that let me down and it hurts but i'm trying to learn (i'm trying to get the lesson God!) that i can not place my trust in men! only in Him.

but tonight is not a night for dwelling on my aching heart but a joyous occasion - an anniversary!!!! yes i am completely single but i have an anniversary today : ) today December 14th is the closest reconing that abby and i can come to when we actually became best friends. and it is a happy day. four years whooo! and tonight we celebrate our singleness! we've known each other for 7 years but it took 3 before we became what we are now. even today people think we're twins. haha "we're six months apart you do the math". i remember the conversation that probably sealed the deal at Gabriel's. ah Gabriel's, what good memories. those were the days yet i'm so glad my life has moved on. things come and go. that's how it happens... however i never want this to end - my whatever you call it i have with abby. she's not my friend. she's much more. she's not my sister because sibling love has the excuse of being family. there is a natural love that comes for your own flesh. but we are not related at all. yet she is like my sister. she truly is my other half. we have gone and still go through practically the same drama. we learn from each other's mistakes. we've never fought. we can understand any emotion of the others and more than likely we are going through the same thing at the same time... oh yea and we can finish each other's sentences. for years i went without a good friend let alone a best friend. now for 7 solid years i've had a good friend and for 4 years going i have a best friend and as time has gone on, i have the other half of my spirit - not merely a kindred spirit.

so today i am nearly 20 and can stand with the dearest person to me in the world and say "yes i'm single because i have you". we have our song and our crazy conversations in which neither or us need to finish a sentence. i love you my dear friend. happy anniversary!

again God is so good to me!

To you I call, O LORD my Rock;

do not turn a deaf ear to me.

For if you remain silent,

I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
Hear my cry for mercy

as I call to you for help,

as I lift up my hands

toward your Most Holy Place.
Do not drag me away with the wicked,

with those who do evil,

who speak cordially with their neighbors

but harbor malice in their hearts.
Repay them for their deeds

and for their evil work;

repay them for what their hands have done

and bring back upon them what they deserve.
Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD

and what his hands have done,

he will tear them down

and never build them up again.
Praise be to the LORD,

for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy

and I will give thanks to him in song.
The LORD is the strength of his people,

a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
Save your people and bless your inheritance;

be their shepherd and carry them forever.

i've loved this song for years... then i didn't know why

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Well maybe it's too far away
Maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
you can Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
When your education x-ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a thing
That I could not tell my fans
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
that you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
~ 3 doors down

the warrior silent

so whatchu think? *cocking head* ; )

behold! there stands one
battling forces seen by none

from newborn light awakened
the struggle lasts til sun is taken

trained to arm with steel and chain
these now fail and quickly wane

but of these woes no utterance let
the weary heart and mind beget

facing battle, the heartbeat waits
the breath leaves quickly as to faint

knowing not how to charge this new quest
all must be risked and soul put to test

no enemy be slain before or behind
only thine own, fitted harness may find

you, o warrior, must hold true
til second strength comes anew

when relief heals, this not known
verily as better force beats thine own

inspired by the wonderous Ms. Dickinson's words:
"To fight aloud is very brave,
But gallanter, I know,
Who charge within the bosom,
The cavalry of woe."

here's one from a little while ago...

my fingers stray a bit longer
running over wool and braids
recalling why it affects me so much
and causes my heart to stay

God blows my mind!

funny, the verses that i automatically want to give for encouragement i find other's view as depressing or too heavy - not uplifting. again my family and friends' case is proved... i have weird taste. her mother and i do! hahaha <3

just thinking about... if we're gonna church up that, we'd say "meditating". oo i sound spiritual now : P ANYWAY thinking about 2 Corithians 5:21. I LOVE THAT VERSE!

"He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."

so obviously we immediately think of Jesus dying on the cross - He was made sin for us who never knew it. now that's awesome, He would stoop to do that and experience an awful sensation He never had before, sin! but the part that really hits me is He did this, the perfect Son of God, God Himself, second Person of the Trinity, gave up this privilege and gave it to us. not only to us (giving a privilege) but in order that WE become the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD! i don't think you got it the first time. Jesus purposefully gave up His job, a being who was perfection and purity itself, to humans, the emitimy of filthiness and depravity, to represent His Father's righteous nature!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't know about you but that blows my mind. a spiritual bullet has been projected through my brain. and an amazing sense of awe and wonder and love and thankfulness and unworthiness swirls all together through that void now left by this new realization. our task is to showcase God's righteousness. it's all us now! we have the follow spot and the world is watching. and here comes the funny part. many i know would shudder with the sheer weight of this thought but it invigorates me. it gives me a focus and makes me want to push farther to be the embodiment of the Alpha and Omega's righteousness. it's an overwhelming responsibililty but it has been given to us. Jesus went through everything to give it up and i want to show Him His sacrifice was worth it. I never want Him to look at me and think, "shame, i died for her and she has little to show for it"! never never never!!! He trusted lil ol' me enough with His righteousness and i'm gonna make the most of it! no words can express my love for my - MY - Saviour!

by the way, the song i'm listening to now, pretty amazing - your guardian angel by red jumpsuit apparatus

When I see your smile

Tears run down my face I can't replace

And now that I'm strong I have figured out

How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul

And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Seasons are changing

And waves are crashing

And stars are falling all for us

Days grow longer and nights grow shorter

I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart

Please don't throw that away

Cuz I'm here for you

Please don't walk away and

Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will

Pull my strings just for a thrill

And I know I'll be okay

Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

because i can!

i just finished my last paper for the semester and can relax a little... til finals come a knockin'. ewwww! so i'm staying up later than i should because... ready for it?... i can!!! hahahaa

i knew i wanted to say something just not sure what. some stuff has been happening but not really worth mentioning on here and God kinda removed the struggle in my heart YAY GOD! so don't need to worry about it anymore. on that point i'm just more resolved : ) so what to say...

well my mom and i had talked a little this evening about the whole school decision and the dance thing. understandably she's scared - it's risky. but i was trying to explain where i was coming from, how passionate i feel. it was so cute, she said maybe you are passionate but i've been so used to you being a passionless person it's taking a while for me to get used to it or recognize what it looks like in you. : ) love her! i also was telling her what i had talked about earlier that my whole like i had never ever gone out on a limb for anything, innocent or disobedient (you know what i mean!). so it was about the flippin' time! i'm almost 20! so even if this fizzles, who cares?! it's hopefully going to do some good, i want to spread a hunger for God not do devil worship or anything ; ) i know this is extreme - get over it! : ) but with my mom's logical concerns i started to ponder "is this what i should be doing?" "what the heck are you doing wesley?!" "you are nuts!" i had to force these from my head as i needed to finish writing about Candide's failure as a person, ah the joys of research papers... : P

then i was back here, done with the paper, yep sorry Candide(persona) is dumb and shallow, and wanting to blog. then i was reminded you need to read the psalm for the day thanks mr. mike for that! so psalm 20 was cracked, and God once again blew my mind. i literally wept. it spoke directly to my concerns from earlier. and somehow i am shocked at this every time, man God you can really do that? the psalm for today just happened to apply in a freakishly specific way! and i wonder at this when this same Dude created all life and just happens to make the plants grow and the cosmos keep turning - ooo get this:

scientist(apart from God) are STUPID! "the wisdom of man is foolishness to God". so in astronomy i'm taking this semester we just went over "dark matter". this, boys and girls, is actually nothing. in a galaxy stars should be revolving more slowly as you approach the edge of it according to newtonian physics and his gravitational laws but for "some unexplainable reason" they are moving faster. so they say that this dark matter is their giving it more mass and thus reason to revolve faster. plus galaxies are orbiting each other too fast also so there exists dark matter between them, because we can't explain what it making them spin faster than our laws say they should spin there must be something out there. yea how bout GOD! i can just see Him now sticking His finger in a galaxy and stirring it up as astronomers are making measurements and calculations. as they scratch their heads He giggles and when they brilliantly proclaim dark matter exists he guffaws.

ANYWAY so Psalm 20 is what i needed to the "T" our God is the real mind freak! ehh i'm getting all giddy, He's so cool! echem... : )

Psalm 20

1 May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob set you {securely} on high!

2 May He send you help from the sanctuary And support you from Zion!

3 May He remember all your meal offerings And find your burnt offering acceptable! Selah. 4 May He grant you your heart's desire And fulfill all your counsel!

5 We will sing for joy over your victory, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed; He will answer him from His holy heaven With the saving strength of His right hand.

7 Some {boast} in chariots and some in horses, But we will boast in the name of the LORD, our God.

8 They have bowed down and fallen, But we have risen and stood upright.

9 Save, O LORD; May the King answer us in the day we call.

tonight...

tonight, tonight is a crossroads...

it was like any other night and nothing much has happened yet i am determined to make something of it!

first point of interest: watched 27 dresses for the first time tonight, my next favorite girlie movie. "I feel like my favorite love song was written about a sandwich." deliciousness : ) yet it was deep... to me. don't laugh. it will tie in later. no matter these lines and ideas were running around my head tonight.

tonight was a night of refreshment and introspection. i had been on a spiritual high then i have been feeling some of my fervor slip. i was devastate. i longed for His closeness again. i have been grappling helplessly to get it back. tonight i ran through some realizations that i feel could catapult me back on the road.

tonight is a night of truth and transparency! i had just watched an adorable chick flick so of course it had my lil girl heart all aflutter and i walked onto my driveway taking the recycle out (romantic i know) and stepped into that place only cool weather and the clear night sky can take me along with my foolishly female and sentimental heart. the night air was refreshing and invigorating. i looked up into the deep blackness that was filled with little pin-pricks letting the heaven's light peak through and there was the most glorious thing in the sky: the moon. it was so bright a ring of white light could be seen around it. anne's words came to mind, "look at the moon! the ancients said that if two lovers walked underneath a moon like this they would be bonded in love forever. let's just let it soak into our souls." i'm sure i butchered that but it has the essence. such a romantic line and not just "romantic" but ideal, transcendental. of course the disheartening realization struck me that there is no lover here to bond with and no idea of one anytime soon. ironically, i then noticed that tonight was a half moon. hmm... : ) the other half of the moon is out there probably... hopefully. a line from the movie came to me about jane saying, "someday, it will be my turn." she wouldn't have to help others and be happy for THEIR day but it could be her turn... someday.

i stood there in the cool night air reveling in the euphoric glow of that silvery orb, yet again i stood there in bitter sweetness. as i was called back in, not wanting to leave this beautiful melancholy, i felt the usual dissatisfaction. i was alone again but not wanting it any other way. hating my ambivalent nature yet certain in the necessity of my situation when it struck me. the melding of these two ideas must occur! jane was wishing for relying on her someday but in the meantime she was assisting in the enhancement of others joy. my half moon is here and gives me comfort but will remain a half moon until God sees fit. so why should i be complaining? silence. yes silence, there is no response!

one more time He is teaching me to recognize and follow His touch. my emotions are valid, as a dear friend says i may never get over them, but there is nothing i can do to change my situation - nothing i want to do to change it. so i wait and enjoy the ring around my partial moon and rejoice in other's full moons whatever those moons are for each one. i must persist. i want to be able to hold my head high among my fellow saints at the end of days and be able to say of myself "i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith"!

are you kidding me?

anybody who wants to live in this country should shudder at this. if you like this point of view, my opinion is: get out of America and form your own little fairy land with him where you can be "citizens of the world".

**The following is a narrative taken from Sunday Morning's televised 'Meet The Press'. and the author is employed by none other than the Washington Post!! Yeah......the Washington Post of New York and Los Angeles Times fame!! Must say that I'm dually impressed..................From Sunday's Televised 'Meet the Press' Senator Obama was askedabout his stance on the American Flag.Obama Explains National Anthem StanceSun, 07 Sept. 2008 11:48:04 EST, General Bill Ginn' USAF (ret.) asked Obamato explain why he doesn't follow protocol when the National Anthem is played.The General also stated to the Senator that according to the United States Code,Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171... During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform are expected to stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart.At the very least, 'Stand and Face It'Senator Obama Live on Sunday states,'As I've said about the flag pin, I don't want to be perceived as taking sides, Obama said. 'There are a lot of people in the world to whom the American flag is a symbol of oppression. And the anthem itself conveys a war-like message. You know, the bombs bursting in air and all. It should be swapped for something less parochial and less bellicose. I like the song 'I'd Like To Teach the World To Sing.' If that were our anthem, then I might salute it.'We should consider to reinvent our National Anthem as well as to redesign our Flag to better offer our enemies hope and love. It's my intention, if elected, to disarm America to the level of acceptance to our Middle East Brethren. If we as a Nation of warring people, should conduct ourselves as the nations of Islam, whereas peace prevails. Perhaps a state or period of mutual concord between our governments. When I become President, I will seek a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity, and a freedom from disquieting oppressive thoughts. We as a Nation have placed upon the nations of Islam an unfair injustice. My wife disrespects the Flag for many personal reasons.Together she and I have attended several flag burning ceremonies in the past, many years ago. She has her views and I have mine'. Of course now, I have found myself about to become the President of the United States and I have put aside my hatred. I will use my power to bring CHANGE to this Nation, and offer the people a new path of hope. My wife and I look forward to becoming our Country's First Family. Indeed, CHANGE is about to overwhelm the United States of America .WHAAAAAAAT in the world !!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right. This could possibly be our next President. I, for one, am speechless.Dale Lindsborg ,Washington Post**

was...

i was going to try and sleep but...
... i'm weary. i need a spiritual refresher. God what's the point in all this? what good will you bring about from all this. dont mistake me life isn't horrible, just going through a moment of weakness.
*a couple minutes later*
taking a suggestion to read the chapter of psalm that is the same day of the month:
Psalm 30, God has not lost his sense of humor

"I will extol You O Lord for You have lifted me up
And have not let my enemies rejoice over me
O Lord my God
I cried to You for help, and You healed me.
O Lord You have brought up my soul from Sheol;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down ot the pit.
Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones,
And give thanks to His holy name.
For HIs anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning.
Now as for me, I said in my prosperity,
'I will never be moved.'
O Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain ot stand strong;
You hid Your face, I was dismayed.
To You, O Lord, I called,
And ot the Lord I made supplication:
'What profit is there in mh blood, if i go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?
Hear O Lord and be gracious to me;
O Lord, be my helper'
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praises to You and not to be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever"!!!

o Lord renew my heart, renew my mind!!!

nothing major

just felt like saying hello : )

~ God is continuing to make His presence real to me. He i believe is affirming His plans, my wishes (see older post haha), doors might be opening for them, at least two of the three. the third, who knows, and at this point - who cares!!

~ i had a defining moment riding home... a couple night ago not quite sure when. but one of those late night by yourself rides where it's just you and God. i was wrapped in some favorite worship music and it hit me "if i die right now, if i crashed into something, i don't care one bit!" i have struggled before with the fact that if someone said if you could go to heaven right now would you? truthfully i'd have to say no. my flesh clung to too many things here that i was afraid i'd miss. but a couple of nights ago i felt it in my bones that "to live is Christ but to die is gain"!!! it was real it was true

~ kids make me laugh from the standpoint that a couple of weeks ago i came home thinking they are adorable and i can't wait to try my hand at motherhood. today i came home thinking kids are the craziest things. i wasn't in a sick em mood but not all lovey dovey. i still want them, just the changing mood made me laugh. my own fickleness

~ funny today being a little jesus almost got me killed, not in the way most would think. i just have to laugh at myself (and i can because i'm a girl ; )) i was listening to third day. my favorite group to worship to, and i had the impulse to lift my hands, and i did for a split second then it hit me... i'm driving. haha i'm such a moron but i know He loves me for my weirdness. i feel like i'm Jesus' "weird al yankovic" if that makes any sense haha o wow it's late

~ i had another small but amazing blessing on the way home. driving the 417 (i love it no one is there and very little man made stuff to see) right smack dab in front of me was the most amazing scene. the sun was just behind a group of clouds and it made the edges glow the most spectacular oranges and purples and pinks. above you could actually see whitish rays of light coming off the cloud. it looked like what only exists in artists minds. well it was in one Artist's mind today. staring at it i could picture what it could look like when the Lord of lords King of kings Very God of very gods appears in the sky to take away His bride and when He will return with His holy ones, us, to avenge the souls of the slain and to establish His righteous reign over all the earth. *sigh*

~ i want to start a Bible study badly. i'm looking at one that focuses on God's covenants He makes with us. it's called... Covenant...

~ don't know what school holds for the future but with all the complaining i do i am loving what i'm learning. thank you, sir, you are right. i admit it. that class has changed my life.

delicious autumn!

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." - George Eliot

dear Mr. Eliot understands me!

it always happens every year - my teens that is - my mood automatically changes when fall comes. it has been fairly hot and not too fallish until today. and you know what? i new it was cooler as soon as i opened my eyes. i still was in my bed under my five thick covers (my parents think i'm crazy and roast but i like it) in my room with a closed door and a think curtain. yes i like a cave like feel to sleep. but as soon as my senses were awake, i knew.

there is a smell about fall, even in boring pretend fall florida. there's a purity in the air it smells devoid of odor yet it's sweeter. i can't explain it. but i know that smell. i may not be able to describe it or recreate it but as soon as true fall air is here i know it. beyond the smell is something else even more intangible. fall feels amazing. spring can be fun, you feel like skipping, or even coquettish. summer is heavy which can sometimes feel oppressive or suffocating. winter always will be associated with christmas therefore it feel jovial and wonderfully childlike, cheery. but fall, fall awakens some deep well of emotion in me. i don't even know how to make anyone understand. i just feel alive. spring is always associated with growth. but in my case i feel my time is fall. in that pure sweet air and the grass is cool and crisp, the sun is a comforting amber always just setting, the magic hour. nature has that glow as if it's in love. and i have to smile at it like someone would when they see a couple sharing in complete happiness.

just tonight walking out on that beautiful scene with the glowing orb of amber above, illuminating the field of grass and the trees, oh the trees, a thought came and couldn't help but escape my lips: "oh this is God's weather". it's true, i feel closer to God in the fall. He feels nearer (is that even a word, well i like it). why i wonder does He feel this way? here on earth hug closer to ourselves, jip our jackets all the way up, even huddle closer to friends to talk, to keep warm. so are we humans try to stay warm does God come closer to keep our spirits warm? theologically i know this is nonsense but ideologically it like it.

"Autumn is the eternal corrective. It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance. What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?- Hal Borland

that's how i felt in that field tonight between those two trees, one carries fun memories of climbing. how can i stand here and not see the span of my world?! it was like what they like to call a divine appointment. i feel like this time in my life is my time. and i don't mean that like i can horde it selfishly because i don't have ties of family and job, etc. i mean that have i not been placed here for such a time as this? this is my time to do awesome works for God BECAUSE i don't have those ties. i am on fire for Him and i want to spread that fire on to others. i want to be God's hands and feet, i want to see Him do great things that i can be apart of. i want to be used by Him. now do you see what fall does to me? but it's not just the season of weather. i believe this is a season of life, a new one, i am entering and i am ecstatic! i feel God has prepared me for... something, and i can't wait to find out!!

"Youth is like spring, an over praised season more remarkable for biting winds than genial breezes. Autumn is the mellower season,and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits." - Samuel Butler

Here it is, the thought that brings it all together. i feel like i have just finished a spring season, a youthful season, learning, falling and skinning my knees. but i got up and began walking again, therefore gaining strength and knowledge. things have been taken from me that defined my whole life for years but i am coming to grips with that. but the flower of youth has passed and the maturing of fruit is growing. its a bittersweet time. for my young stage i feel like these are the twilight years before i FINALLY put them down and enter full fledged adulthood: serious job, family, children of my own, all that jazz. i know some of you might be confused: twilight years? youth has passed? well yes and no. here and now a part of youth has passed and therefore an older phase has entered. but when i truly am in my middle ages or senior years this will still be looked on as youth. it makes sense to me.

fall is here and it is doing wonderful things!

so i should be studying...

haha i've got so much homework it's not even funny but i had a revelation today driving home and i'm afraid if i don't get it all out it's going to *fpt* whisk away from my brain by the breeze or sometimes gust, even tornado, of other thoughts and obligations. so "la" to school for now...

as i've gotten older and began coming into the age of reasoned, deep conversations with my peers and superiors, a word often was tossed around: goals. it always made me quiver or roll my eyes, depending on my mood, who was presenting, or how it was presented. i always thought and to a degree still do think that some people are too goal driven. (mind you this is just my opinion, NOT claiming that it's gospel) i guess this stems from a thread in the fabric of my make up on how i exert myself. simply put, where i believe i have a fighting chance of "placing" or winning - i throw myself into it. if i see no hope for any gain, i don't. now this analogy breaks down yes because some things i have to do no matter what or God has called me to things, but in those grey areas this holds fairly true.

i have gotten so much flack about this position: that i'm lazy, or unassertive, not... goal driven. "you need goals", so many people have told me. and when i would meekly reply that i don't have many concrete one's i would face many a disparaging eye. i don't believe, overall, that those negative assertions are correct. of course i have my bad qualities, TOO many, and those could fall under that heading. yet, i've concluded that my stance is one of a super rationalist, of which i associate myself. anyway...

but i always felt bad, or weird, or something was wrong with me because i had no goals to speak of. as time has gone on i've labored to contrive a few. but my seasons of life i speculate are showing them for what they are - contrived. not true, not quite for me, not of God. so i was and am left with nothing again. i had no goals, i have none. what do i do now? i feel like a reverse deist. instead of God winding up the clock and watching it work itself down, God's trying to wind but my cogs have no direction or impetus to go. ouch!

at the beginning of this semester i has a potentially life changing idea... but it again left me in a place where what contrived goals i had were stripped from me and i was left disrobed of goals. not cool! as the first few weeks of school wore on some wishes bubbled up, but i just tossed them in the wish bin, proverbial of course. i wish i had a wish bin. haha sounds like something that would be covered with glitter and everytime a "wish" (of course they aren't tangible, just airy imaginative substances) was thrown in a fairy-like tune would whistle by. hmm me like, birthday present? haha wow

SO, after talking a tad about one of these goals over dinner, it was racing around my noggin on the ride home. slowly the other two popped up, and it hit me "why, these are goals! and i will make them goals and treat them as such!". i have goals yay. no kidding. they are placed in my heart, i feel and hope by God, some have been there eons. they just needed time to develop. so can it be argued that i've had goals all along i just didn't know it? or i hadn't til now and just needed time to grow into the "having goals in life" stage. my mom will tell you story after story of my childhood track record. "she was always about six months behind. but once she got there she was up with the rest of them". according to baby books i was six months late to walk. i couldn't snap when my friends could, whistle, ride a bike; i waited til the month after my 15th birthday to get my permit, and more than six months after my 16th to become a driver. tons of other example could be given, normal stuff took me a little longer but all these things i've got now like i never had a delay... well maybe the walking thing is in question ; ). this theory also dips into more substantial subjects in my life and therefore makes me wonder, did i just need time for me - ME not someone else telling me, but me hearing my own inner voice, rather the voice of God - to see my goals? time will tell if these will come true. it is my dearest wish that it is so. hopefully within the next... o say five years, i will be listening to hear God whisper new goals to me.

i love third day!

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain

Now I am left alone and I am broken

Trying to find my way

Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that you are holding all the answers

I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances

On roads that never seem

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying to find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without you

I've got nothing without you

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding

That I am lost again

Tell me when this road will ever end

I don't know where I can turn

Tell me, when will I learn

Won't you show me where I need to go

Let me follow your lead

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

...like some people believe in fairytales

these songs are amazing and so is the movie. even though so many other view points and lessons can be pulled from the movie the love story always floors me. this is what it should look like...

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I’ll find you

What is love and what’s it for

I’m stuck outside an open door

And no one’s come to get me yet

I never got a second bet

I’m welcomed to your fantasy

If only she was make-believe

Oh what is love and what’s it for?

Oh take me back and do me more

Ooh take me back and do me more

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, Confused

I’ll find you

Once you’re here you’re never gone

Oh, once you’re here you’re never gone

I fall from in out the cold

A piece of me that I can’t hold

I love you as I loose you more

I break outside this open door

Catch me as I wash away

Oh, catch me as I wash away

Ooh, catch me as I wash away

I break, I borrow, I live, I loose,I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I break, I’m hollowed, I’m dead, confused

I’ll find you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight the sky above

Reminds me of you, love

Walking through wintertime

Where the stars all shine

The angel on the stairs

Will tell you I was there

Under the front porch light

On a mystery night

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

The neon lights in bars

And headlights from the cars

Have started a symphony

Inside of me

The things I left behind

Have melted in my mind

And now there's a purity

Inside of me

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind

Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind

This time

a breath of fresh air...

the last week has been tough and bizarre almost beyond imagining. after contemplation and a melt down and a metaphorical kick in the pants from my mom : ) i see what the issues have been. and not that the "problems" have disappeared but i have a refreshed outlook with which to face them.

my own flesh has had a death grip on me. i was drowning in what isn't and can't be now. God hasn't gotten me there yet. He has other things apparently first. but i wasn't satisfied with that. i kicked and screamed mentally which caused a nasty attitude and depression for a couple of days... not pretty. and i still struggle. and i will still struggle but my God is mighty to save!

i wanted and still can't wait to get out of here. get away from everything around me now. slough off the old dead and ugly, and feel the cleansing freshness of new. but i can't "run from my problems, i have to face them"... and i do... nearly every day. and praise Him from whom all blessings flow i feel like i can again. here are some of the things He's been revealing to me that has refreshed my spirit. i pray it will do the same for you:

with God not "answering" to my satisfaction i grew fretful, angry, resentful even. but He showed me two of my favorite verses are right next to each other

Psalm 37:3-4 "Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

my duty now is to dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. there is something to be learned here from staying in the same ol' place that causes daily angst and to some degree pain, just any that i cause myself (that sounds masochistic, i mean emotionally) anyway! and if He holds true to His promises He will give me the desires of my heart, the one's He has placed there. i pray these dreams of mine are His.

another revelation came as i stumbled across some verses and teaching. part of my problem is i feel God is silent. He isn't speaking merely because He isn't giving me what i'm pitching a fit for, which of course is an awesome way to persuade God, HA! but i loved what oswald chambers has to say about silence:

"...His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible -- with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you silence, then praise Him... Time is nothing to God."

this is so comforting but maybe another view of His silence is that i have just been screaming too loudly so He has stopped talking til i am through. God is a gentleman, He won't go where He isn't wanted, as Ruth Graham Bell would say. but something i know i can count on is His pure unadulterated Word:

Lamentations 3:25-28, 31-32 it's long but bear with me it's so good!

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,

To the person who seeks Him.

It is good that he waits SILENTLY

For the salvation of the Lord.

It is good for a man that he should bear

The yoke in his youth

Let him sit alone and be silent

Since He has laid it on him.

For the Lord will not reject forever,

For if He causes grief,

Then He will have compassion

According to His abundant lovingkindness."

Exodus 14:13 "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today..."

AMEN! this verse is what keeps my christian blood pumpin'. it's like an inspiring message to the troops before heading into battle. "this day we stand and fight"!!!! hehe i had to get one in ya know ; )

all these verses make me want to do the will of the Father. i want to make Him proud, not just because He will reward me but just because. i can't quite explain it. i just want to. maybe because He is so good i am inspired to try to repay Him, though i can never come close. but like a child can never measure up to what a parent does for them they simply do what will please Him. i want to be a good daughter.

and so after all these meditations on His wonderful word i leave you with these final verses, my heart's cry for myself and you as well:

Lamentations 5:21

"Restore us to You, O Lord, that we may be restored

Renew our days as of old"

Psalm 24:3-6

"Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord?

And who may stand in His holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart,

Who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood

And has not sworn deceitfully.

He shall receive a blessing from the Lord

And righteousness from the God of his salvation.

This is the generation of those who seek Him,

Who seek Your face -- even Jacob."

rise up my generation and cleanse your hands, purify your hearts and draw close to God! (James 4:8)

ok...

now that i had my temper tantrum with the last post so to speak i can be a little more positive...

life is weighing me down, but i know why and it gives me some comfort: i still have distances unmeasurable ahead of me where i can draw closer to my Saviour. and He is that. He saves me from the lowest low.

Psalm 55:16 "As for me, I shall call upon God,

And the Lord will save me."

Hebrews 7:25 "Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him"

i have so much life to live and God will fill it with His purpose for me specifically. instead of doing what i have done: getting tripped up over life's little dissappointments, i must keep focused on my Lord's plans for me for His glory - not mine! each day, each minute, each second should be used for Him.

one of my favorite quotes of all:

Mr. Magorium: "37 seconds"

Molly: "Great. Well done. Now we wait."

Mr. Magorium: "No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime."

i never want to view the smallest amount of time time to waste and wait. waiting is waste. each moment has a purpose. each moment i live, i live to carry out the will of my Father. i was crafted for His glory and He will use me as another shade in His portrait of the world.

hello my pretties,

i keep you tucked away o so secretly don't i? in the spare rooms of my heart you're kept: packed tightly, warm and safe. i take great pains to not let anything touch you save for me. but when i attempt to pull you out in my free time you get a little heavier each time. you burn me a little more and bite a little harder. still i let you hurt me. why do i do that? you don't give anything positive back. by no means is it a symbiotic relationship. yet i cling to you, my torturers. someday you may be my executioners. i trick myself into thinking that is impossible, but is it? you are my treasures and precious to me. i give you much of myself... too much. today i've pulled you out of my heart to examine you every which way, like jewels. i look at you like i'm staring at pictures and reliving old memories. you just have not crystallized and those memories are yet to be made. still i play with you like you are all real: in the sun, under the moon, over my books, on my pillow, through my studies, and around my work. every night i must leave you my dears to the conscious world as i sleep. but helplessly i am visited by you now in the land of unconsciousness also. therefore now of my own free will i put you back in your haven in my heart, but i know you'll come to me soon as you have before and will again. so goodnight my dreams.

i wish i had more time...

... to say all that is on my heart and in my head. this time in life is so full and ever changing and unpredictable. my opinions are like clay on so many levels and that's frightening. i am impressionable and pliable. people's actions and opinions and and... just being them makes me change my mind a million times. i'm so ready for solidity and establishment... but then again am i? i'm so young, yet i've aged so quickly

"a fragile frame aged with misery and when our eyes meet i know you see"

does anyone else besides one look into my eyes and even see a glimmer of the reality that is swirling inside my head. i wonder sometimes and when it happens it scares me. yet i ache for it at the same time. do you really see me when you look into these steely blue eyes.

i think it is quite appropriate that my eyes are steel blue don't you? read into that what you will...

my attempt at poetry after a 2 year hiatus... go easy

the heart yearns

thinking its goal attainable

the heart burns

its desire ever there

the heart churns

its aim nearly viable

the heart turns

from painful rejections stare

to die for love, what could be more glorious?

"I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.
I had a keeper, he helped me warn the ships at sea.
We had grown closer, 'till his joy meant everything to me.
And he was to marry, a girl who shone with beauty and light.
And they loved each other, and with me watched the sunsets into night. And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.
She'd had to leave us, my keeper he prayed for a safe return.
But when the night came, the weather to a raging storm had turned.
He watched her ship fight, but in vain against the wild and terrible wave.
In me so helpless, dashed against the rock she met her end.
Then on the next day, my keeper found her washed up on the SHORE.
He kissed her cold face, that they'd be together soon he'd swore.
I saw him crying, watched as he buried her in the sand.
And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.
I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
And though I am empty, I still warn the sailors on their way."

...to die for love, what could be more glorious?

1 John 3:16 "We know love by this: Jesus laid down His life for us"

To die once and for all for love, what could be more glorious?

Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me."

To die daily for love, what could be more glorious?

you must train

a path looms before: dark, long, unclear. tear filled eyes strain to see as far ahead as can be. impossible. simply impossible. only a few feet are perceptible. hot tears create paths down stinging cheeks and an aching brain attempts to sustain a new pain. a couple passionless steps are executed. feet shuffle the earth more to see the leaves rustle and fly than to move along this foreboding road. back and forth, side to side; very little onward and upward. the sun seems to be in a continual state of setting, just sending it's last rays of searing orange and suffocating red over the horizon. the air is thick and the wind only disorients rather than refreshes. the trees look black and dead, dangerous even. who knows what life lies beyond. "no." another step can't be hazarded. no, that's wrong. it must be. this way must be traveled. muscles strain to pick up to leadened feet. tripping, plodding, stumbling, a few more feet gain. one long inhale is chanced. the air hurts to press into these tired lungs. this is crazy, this path is laid out ahead and it will be overtaken! the aching brain no longer aches but slips into a mad state. these steps are no longer slow and heavy-laden, they are short, staccato, frenzied. laughter and shrieks akin to insanity escape the exhausted lungs. they slow as do the steps when fatigue finally overtakes them. mindless shuffles resume. "no, no, no." that seems to be the only word these vocal chords can utter. "no!" sobs erupt from the spent body. this is the breaking point.

"no longer! i can't do this any longer!" i cry. my chest heaves, desperate for air. my whole being is in violent convulsions. my hands sweat and wring each other as if some answer could be derived from their writhing. tears come so hard i feel sick. "no, no." i pull at my hair and skin. "why?!" i scream to the sky. "why!" my chest hurts. "i know what you want of me but i can't seem to give it. why?" i trip further down the way, "you've told me how, but i still fail. you give me all that is required, and i return naught. you are everything to me, and what am i to you? you say i'm more but i don't ever, ever live up to your image of me." i pant, having expended near all of me. a few more clumsy steps mark the ground before the last. no more, no more; i drop heavily to my knees muttering as i go, "no, no, i can't... trust you."

my head hangs heavy as my mind tries so hard to make some sense of what i had just done. that's it. time to be finished with it all. and in that ominous nature, the sun depressingly lingering as if to say "your last chance is spent; you are finished", my limp torso swaying in the thick breeze. in one final burst of movement, i raise my eyes to the burnt heavens with watery eyes and one last sound escapes my quivering lips, "forgive me". i drop my head back as if to offer my throat to the executioner. my brain slows, waiting for the sweep of the axe. peace, knowing that it will all be over soon. suddenly the distant sun, the dead trees, the blackness isn't so frightening, for it can no longer harm me. i wait. but still i am in the middle of that terrible path. my brain awakens from it's resolved slumber. "what? no! you were supposed to end it." "but i can't stay like this. i'm not worthy. you've never given me a reason not to trust you, but i still can't let go." my frenzied state returns, i turn in circles looking for answers. i feel so dirty, so unworthy. these clothes, these vain, stifling clothes. i claw at them as they shred around my limbs. "you can't leave me like this." no, i keep tearing at myself, at the air, at anything. no, even my skin is unclean, i pick up leaves and stones. i scratch my arms. i must get clean somehow. my nails bite through my skin as blood warms my cold surface. my hair falls down my sides. i must strip it all away. "if you won't do it, i will!" tears and blood mingle on my ravaged edifice. defeated sobs echo in my chest. i continue to shriek and tear. change must come somehow.

my arms are tangled in front of me, crazed. in the middle of my screams and destruction, i now can't move. my paralyzed mind can't grasp why. "sh, sh." commanding arms are wrapped around me, preventing me from moving. established in my pattern i try to continue my draconian cleansing. a low whisper slips in my ear, "sh, no dear one, no." "but... i... have to", i force out through sobs. the arms from behind lock tighter around me. "no, little one, you don't have to." my muscles give in to my captor; my head drops back on his shoulder and my voice raises in long sorrowful moans. but my brain had not given up, "I - DO - NOT - DESERVE - YOU" i faintly enunciate thinking my firmness would change his mind. "i don't care, i still love you. and you know that." a sob of understanding ripples through my body, "my mind might but somehow my heart can't accept it... i can't trust you. and i hate myself for it." his grip tightens now to reassure not to restrain. "i'm sorry for that, beloved. i know, though, i know you don't trust me like you should. i made you." a cynical chuckle escapes me. "but how else do you think you can learn to trust me but continuing on that path i've laid before you. you admit your mind understands, now just train your heart to do the same. train it. train. you must train your heart, my darling."

he turns me and raises my chin to meet his eyes. as my gaze meets his, i'm overwhelmed; i feel i'm home. "why did i ever want to go anywhere else?" he laughs at my unguarded affection. "if you want to stay..." he slowly moves from me, walking backwards, further down the path. his eyes bore into mine, "... then stay here." his beautiful stare dazzles me. and tears of joy flood my eyes. laughter of pure mirth bubbles up from within. "yes, yes, my truth." at this new name he smiles but raises a quizzical eyebrow. "you are my truth. i love the truth." his smile breaks into a beaming grin and the most wonder laugh of a man echoes through the forest. as it touches the place, the breeze lightens and refreshes me. the trees turn green and the leaves grow crisp and cool. and suddenly the sun rises with new hues of promise; promising life all found in his eyes, brought along his path for me. "i must train my heart... to trust you." my first step out of my crazed state is taken. it nearly echoes with the weight of sheer resolution. "... and so i train."

another profound song... haha

get tired of them? it never ceases to amaze me how i'm listening to a song i've heard a million times when suddenly it speaks to me and where i am right here and now...

I'm sorry

I don't mean to remember

It's true that I dream less often

I'm not ashamed

Of that long December

Your hand's coming down again

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

I'm falling

I'm shedding my skin

But it's not time I'm told

I am aware

Of what you mean by then

I'm only ten years old

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

My scars are yours today

This story ends so good

I love you and I understand

That you stood where I stood

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

just some jumbled thoughts...

driving home from work the other day i was pondering the conundrum of how we can never see ourselves through another's eyes. we can never see our mannerisms natural and impromptu. never shall we hear our voices in another's ears. the closest we can get it looking in a mirror, which is just looking at another thing that happens to reflect our image. but we can never see ourselves without using OUR eyes that happened to be tied to our consciousness and subconscious perception of our image. this i'm sure influences what we see greatly. and how we move in front of a mirror can never be termed at ease and unrehearsed. admit it! you know it's true. and one evening years ago, my father revealed a thing to me that has left me sitting on prickles ever since. i pointed out to him that when i hear my voice on the answering machine, for instance, i sound so different than when i hear myself talk. i didn't like the first example. like the logical man he is and of course "daddy knows best", he cast a terrible light on the truth that what i hear in my own ears results from my voice resonating in my own body. it's not what anyone else hears. therefore, what i hear on the answering machine is what others hear. i am profoundly sorry world!

as all these rambling lines of thought toppled between my ears, i came to the conclusion: we can never ever know ourselves completely because there is that part of us as i just laid out above that others will always have and we never will. others can use their five senses on us like we are simply not able to do. then an sense of injustice rose in me. "why?" why can't we know ourselves completely. i don't feel like my own person. like some of my privacy has been stolen. i just heard of a secret that i am not allowed to listen to. how dare that happen! again "why?"! but then God's nature came to mind. how He is mysterious. some things we can never figure out. but i believe these parts of Him have been placed here for us to seek out. this withstanding, and we acknowledge the fact that we are made in His image; why shouldn't we have mysteries? some things we will spend our whole lives seeking out but never fully grasping. no don't be discouraged. i'm not. it's not about finding the answers but the fact that we do try to seek them out. that doesn't sound quite hallmarkish, forgive me. the hour is late and i'm reverting to triteness.

one final revelation: maybe another reason we aren't allowed to see ourselves wholly is because in that complete view to our feeble human minds the weight would be too much. and by weight i refer to the overwhelming sight of our good points: beauty, grace, lovely eye, keen mind, quick wit. and the unbearable backhand of our faults. He knows what we can handle. we humans are altogether too beautiful and hideous simultaneously.

i need to live again

i read his love letters to me, i talk about him with others, i sing about him, i sing to him. i feel his hand guide me, he gives me everything i need. are my thoughts turned toward him are of adoration and love. but how do i express this love? how can i give back just a morsel of the undying love he gives to me. i smile, i sway, i even lift my hands. my heart burns within me, the fire deep down sears my bones. i feel light-headed and quietly giggle at the secret delight that only he and i share at this moment.

and yet... and yet he makes me smile and laugh. i'm not making him smile. well i might give him a small smile but i want him to jump up and down, dance around screaming, "she loves me, she loves me!". but how do i do this? i do what makes me feel closest to him. and what is that? when my soul moves to worship, my body longs to as well. however mainstream christendom does not accept this as a sunday morning norm. some even raise an eyebrow at uplifted hands. but to completely feel my Love's complete presence and happiness and feel totally happy in Him i must move. i feel immersed in the Savior's arm to the fullest extent only when i am dancing.

i long to use myself as a vessel again. to worship God in my own personal form of worship. singing in church is wonderful but only do i feel i have stretched to my full worship potential when i dance worship not just sing it. i tell a story to others or just back to God through my body. and when i do i feel His good pleasure. when i dance for Him i feel completely exposed but so exposed that i can't be hurt because He totally consumes me, covers me, and therefore protects me.

if you haven't guessed, this is slightly uncommon. most people don't really get it. even if i explain and they say they understand, no one really can unless they experience it themselves. that's why my soul feels so refreshed when i can fellowship with the few who do understand this. : ) this part of my life is small, hidden, and private. it's relieving to share it once in awhile with the select group who i know feel the same way. bottom line: i feel smothered not being able to dance and not dance for God. it's my way to breath, clear my head, give something back to God and put a smile on His face. it's my way to feel alive. to know i exist. i need to feel alive again!

more to come...

i want to write so much more but it's too late now and i must exercise SOME self restraint... so hopefully tomorrow night i can let loose! but i just wanted to say a little something this evening. i love my life right now. that sounds nutty i know and it's not the usual "i love it" because everything is going my way. not at all! but i love it because God has grown me up in so many areas and revealed Himself to me even more. He is more real to me than ever before and i love what i am seeing. the more i see of Him the more i fall in love. i am so happy right now at this inexplicable peace and excitement for anything and everything He might send my way. "here i am, send me" is my cry. i will do it all for You. anything you ask me i am ready! i love my God. how can anybody get through this life without Him?!!! He makes me complete. He completely understands me, plans my life for what is best for me and what will grow me up as a person. and He loves me no matter what. how often do we get that from humanity. almost never! but whatever i do, He will always love me for me.

i'll love you forever!

so you (abby) dedicated this a while ago. but i never forgot it. i love it and i love you. i thought i should share it with... the void haha.

your baby blues

so full of wonder

your curley cues

your contagious smile

and as i watch

you start to grow up

all I can do is hold you tight knowing

clouds will rage and storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

story books are full of fairy tales

of kings and queens and the bluest skies

My heart is torn just in knowing

you'll someday see the truth from lies

when the clouds will rage and

storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

Castles, they might crumble

dreams may not come true

but you are never all alone

'cause I will always

always love you

when the clouds will rage

and storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

in my arms

"... so i can feel the wind on my face"

i don't know why. it is the middle of summer. humidity reigns supreme now and home is dry and stagnant but my thoughts are drifting to that cool crisp fall wind. the kind that forces you to inhale and at first shocks your lungs at its strength and coolness. but in turn it invigorates you. the kind that blows so hard at your back it pushes you a little further down your path. the kind that makes nature bow to it and compels you turn into it to keep your hair out of your eyes. the awesome power of wind. the majesty and intricacy of it.

i long to be the wind. just as anderson made ariel sacrifice herself and become sea foam i long to vanish from this homo sapien realm and dissipate into the gale that brushes my brothers' and sisters' cheeks.

why you ask should i desire such an odd transformation? can't you see?! the wind blows around the whole earth. what gust pushes us today, did just the same in Romania yesterday. someone else on the other side of the globe was surrounded by the same presence as i am today. wind is universal. it sees no boundaries or distinctions. it knows no limits on earth. and no one on earth can limit it. it is free. but know, i do not desire to be thus changed for ultimate freedom. no no. just the reverse. i want to be the wind to be controlled. true, no human can contain it but something higher does. it has no control over where it will blow next. only the God of the Skies twists its mass where He wills. it doesn't know where it will blow and it doesn't care. it doesn't know how forceful it will burst in or ask why it's not softer or harder.

i do not long to be this element because it has no memory or identity. on the contrary! it has a past. everywhere is passes through, the people and animals lift their faces and sniff the zephyr for what it carries in it. the wind brings with it the mark of where it has last been: the mysterious spice of the east, or the romantic perfume of the continent, or the pure ice of the north. it tells each and everyone the story of its journey of whence it has just come. however, it tells only of where it has presently been. it can't tell the stories of long past. has it forgotten the sites and smells of places far away in it's travel or just become mute? still the change is the same. the wind has a past but only for a short time can it tell it.

moreover, it has no planned future. it does not chart and plan its next route. only its Creator can do this. and it is not able to bulk at its heading. only does it willingly comply to its direction. and bring its effect either soothing or fearful on the creatures in its path. if its effect be judged pleasant or ill by those touched it can't and won't do anything about it but move on to the next place it is bidden.

still, there remains one last aim for which my heart yearns. reason with me. what is the wind? there is no immediate answer is there? the wind is nothing but a conglomeration of other things. in and of itself it has no substance. wind is simply air that is pulled about quickly. and the air at this pace catches and brings particles and pieces of smell with it. but the wind is nothing. it has no body. nothing anyone can see. but it does bring change. the strongest wind makes the trees cower to its power and the gentlest breeze makes a child smile.

take a walk with me?

will you? no one seems to understand... but one : ).
just because i smile doesn't mean i'm happy. just because i don't talk about anything doesn't mean i'm not constantly thinking. not that God hasn't done awesome things for me but people just don't get it. i have feelings too. too many... God is moving and i adore Him for it but one just doesn't hop from one stage to another. it's a slow process. i've been good the past couple weeks but tonight after some things were said and i drove past i started crying again. again... "the tears don't hurt like the ache does" hmm

so many things race through my mind, i'm gasping for air:
"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
your presence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone...
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase...
When you'd cried
i'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream
i'd fight away all of your fears.
And i've held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.
You used to captivate me,
By your resonating light.
Now i'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams...
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,
But though you're still with me...I've been alone all along."

"Until this empty place is filled, I'll keep pretending"

"Your eyes tell a whole other story and i feel the weight of the world"

"A broken heart that the world forgot
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams giver her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel"

"You don't remember me,
but I remember you.
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you.
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do.
I believe in you.
I'll give up everything just to find you.
I have to be with you to live, to breath...
You're taking over me."

"Can you know what I know and all we had.
You saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand.
I knew you loved me then."

"swallowing this hurt
making it lie down
i'm my strongest ally,
living life as i know how
i'm carrying the weight of the world that sold me out
i'm running with my eyes closed
hoping you don't see this doubt
i'm lost for words
i'm at a loss to tell you what i need
i know there's something more
God, help me to believe
and all this time i thought the fight was only mine
i need to let you rescue me
i'm taking fire
i'm feeling tired of this fight
i need to let you rescue me
i let it go to breathe
i can't take it anymore
i refuse to wake up one more time
bleeding on the floor
i won't let myself hold back
i'll surrender what's inside
You become my healing tourniquet
so i can feel alive
i feel so exposed
i'm afraid to loosen all control
with nothing left to hold
You reach for me and wouldn't let me go"

a good laugh

nothing deep or long:

life is a laugh. the irony, and roller coasters, and joy, and stupidity, and drama, and realizations, and growth, and nothing at all. right now i just have to laugh. God is amazing at throwing us the oddest conglomeration of ingredients in our time here on earth. and to just to put the sprinkles on the whipped cream He gives us emotions to react to these events. and right now i laugh. the not quite bitter cynical laugh and not the completely mirthful one either. somewhere in between. just pure enjoyment at the irony God has put in my life. probably like what He does when we plan. "man plans - God laughs" i think i'm getting to see God's perspective on our pathetic human lives tonight. and i laugh.

realizations...

i'm still sick so i don't have the energy to make this long and cutesy but...

last night doing bible study with my family (i love doing bible study with my family. i love that we do it together. the Word brings us closer together. it's amazing right before we started we kinda had a fight. but after people apologized to each other of their own volition afterward. the healing affect of His words hard at work) anyway... we were reviewing the last chapter we did and part of the lesson was on the rich man that asked Jesus how to get into heaven. and Jesus told him to sell all his riches and give them to the poor. the rich man didn't want to hear it and went away grieving. he wouldn't do it. when we first encountered this the most obvious thought came to us. well it's hard for rich people to give up their possessions... blah blah blah. yes we know. but it came to me. i am that rich man. i was. i had things in my life that were unnecessary gifts. i hadn't had them before and weren't necessary to life. but God blessed me with them for a season. and now He whispered "wesley, can you give this up for me? will you sell it and come follow Me?" and He gave me the strength to do it. but now my flesh is hindering me from forgetting and following Him. i feel like a spoiled child when the parent is taking an object it shouldn't be playing with away. and i, the brat, have a death grip and scream rebelliously at the tearing away.

the riches of this world will be burned up. i must forsake all others, take up my cross and follow after Him. i was so convicted. i was, i am that rich young ruler. may God give me the strength to continue to let go of my riches to follow Him. but you see, riches are so hard to let go of because they are tangible, visible here and now. i know i have them. i feel secure in there existence. God... not as much. it takes faith. faith in the unseen. not so easy. God asks much of us. but why not? that means He believes we can do much for Him. we are His children and He wants us to be high achievers. the road to righteousness is so hard but only if i solely rely on my own power and flesh to do it. if i let Christ in me do it all. i can pass with flying colors.

"Lord You don't have to move that mountain

Just help me Lord to climb it

You don't have to move that stumbling block

Just show me the way around it"

"So, let go, let go

Just jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

exactly how i feel

what is it they say? a girl's favorite song will say more about her than she ever will. not that this is my absolute favorite. no song is. but it's part of the collection..

My hands are searching for you

My arms are outstretched towards you

I feel you on my fingertips

My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being

Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me

And you whisper you love me

And I begin to fade

Into our secret place

The music makes me sway

The angels singing say we are alone with you

I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry

The light is white

And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand

I give it to you

Now you owe me

All I am

You said you would never leave me

I believe you

I believe

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healed

I DONT CARE

i do not care. i'm not going to try and sound cute or artsy... just write! type rather and spill my guts - within reason.

i'm so mad i feel sick. but then why i am mad makes me mad at myself because i shouldn't be mad. it's not my problem! but my emotions won't listen. and i feel like saying so much but can't. i stepped out and got bitten. i took a fall and my wounds scream JUSTICE! but my spirit whispers "peace" be still. God is painfully teaching me to lay down my self. the self that is carnal earthly ugly and let His beautiful self take over. i am so tired of this fight and had a breakdown last night but tonight God has given me a second wind and i pray (you can too) that i will have... correction... i will rely on God for the strength to continue in what God has taught me at great price. my flesh is a powerful and threatening enemy. it knows me too well. it knows exactly where my soft spots are that satan can poke and i cry uncle far too quickly. God has been showing me that i need to seal up those gaps but it's hard work.
i just... i... i am battle weary and feel the campaign isn't over. i need, well i need God. Jesus will go to bat for me when it's time and He'll restrain me when there is no issue to be brought to light. i need His peace, His wisdom, His guidance, His healing, His love... His love. O God i have been so unfaithful! it brings me to tears to think of how my heart has wandered far from my first love. i need to remember, return, and do the things i did at first. Forgive me Father for my lack of trust in You and being such a promiscuous lover. How it must hurt God when i get tied up in stress and focus on other things and people. Here He is telling me "I've got your path completely planned and winnowed. You can handle everything before you. I want to take you on this path. Won't it be fun? Just the two of Us! I love you! Look at me, beautiful. No! Don't look at other lovers. No one will ever be able to do as much for you and love you like I can. Please don't worry about the future. Please don't. Trust me. I will not let you down. And I know exactly what you need and will give you the desires of your heart according to My perfect will." And i turned a deaf ear to that. I walked away from that face. How could i? How dare i? You still want me though don't You? Why?...
but i know and must trust that this is the case. i love You for it. i must lay down my present in Your hands that i'm still trying to grip and leave my future to You. i can't let this bother me now. my only focus is on the heavenly things and to run fast and furious head on into God. i'm limping now but i know You can heal that while i'm running and don't worry God i'll be back to full speed soon. i'll make You proud of Your daughter!