It's pain, It's a pleasure

  My Jesus is too good to me. I become so bound up in worry, fear, striving to work things out in my own strength. It only ever leaves me tense, back-biting, and bitter. I should have learned by now. But my Savior is an understanding Schoolmaster. He knows I am but DUST. Ps 103:14 "He knows how we are formed, He REMEMEBERS we are but dust." I am in awe at the mercy, compassion and tender care of my Lord. As soon as I "turn [my] eyes upon Jesus and look FULL in His WONDERFUL face, the things of earth grow STRANGELY dim in the light of HIS glory and grace." He remembers... He rememebers... ME. He knows me. He knew me and formed me in my mother's womb (Ps 139:13). He created plans before me i was even a "twinkle in my father's eye" as they say (Eph. 1:5). Why do I bother getting myself into such a tizzy? Studying about Forgiveness, I read the story of Joseph. How can I let anything permanently harm me when I read, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant if for GOOD in order to bring about THIS result, to preserve MANY people ALIVE." Gen. 50:20 God has it all. So many songs are running through my mind. Starfield's 'It's all for You' - "It's all for You, It's all for You, I'm letting go, I'm letting go" is one of them. Ps. 24:1 "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains, The world and those who dwell in it." It's all the Lord's. As my closest and bestest said once :) "when the world says they throw their hands up, that's it for them. They have nothing else. When we say that, we're finally at the perfect place of surrender." I have a bigger plan to lean on. Life never makes sense. Bad things happen, always well. No avoiding it. Sorry but reality check. People will hurt and disappoint you. End of story. They are PEOPLE. YET, my God is bigger than those situations and people. Not only is He bigger, He works through and orchestrates those things FOR MY GOOD! God does not deal in POINTLESS PAIN. Rom. 8:28 "And we KNOW that God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." That ME! I LOVE MY GOD! Thus I have a calling on my life; He has a purpose for me!

  The Creator of the universe has a purpose for me. He KNOWS me. He REMEMBERS ME... Heb. 10:31 says "It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God." And that is right. He is a just God. If we've transgressed His pure and perfect law (which we all have) and have RUN from Him, it will be terrifying when our running finally catches up to us. However, I do not fear that. Not perfectly have i executed this, but in my decision to commit my heart and life to Him, I decided to stop running I STEPPED into His hand. Thus, His hand for ME is not terrifying. Instead, it looks like this: Is. 49:16 "BEHOLD, I HAVE INSCRIBED YOU ON THE PALMS OF MY HANDS..." MY name, Wesley, is TATTOOD, if you will, on HIS palm! How precious I am to Him. And how did He permanently MARK MY NAME ON THE INSIDE OF HIS HAND? Not with a sterilized speedy needle. It was carved in with each pound of an iron nail that stayed in His hand for 6 hours. He remembers me because He let it be etched with His blood on His palm... forever. I can't wait to see it one day. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

  When I think of these things, His overwhelming Love and still constant dedication to me, how can I let anything sway me from this inexpressible joy that is unshakable? 1 Peter 1:8 "and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with JOY INEXPRESSIBLE and full of glory". If you don't know what I'm talking about or don't have the same joy please don't leave it that way. Please. There is nothing like knowing Him as YOUR Lord, YOUR best friends, YOUR lover, YOUR support, YOUR comforter, YOUR commander and captain. Zeph. 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious WARRIOR. He will exult over you with JOY, He will quiet you with HIS love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

  Rev. 22:17, 20 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the oen who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes to take the water of life without cost... He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming quicly." AMEN. Come, Lord Jesus!

*exhale*

perfection. it's quiet. i can be alone with my head. but not alone. he's sleeping. perfect blend. listening to my playlist "my life". it's full of angsty music... i've been so angsty. over the past week or so it's been (sometimes painfully) pointed out... i've been too angsty. i've been so selfish. not willing to go where God's put me. or where i've put myself but it's where i am so i need to let God work in me where i'm at rather than plugging my nose and pursing my lips and bloating my cheeks with air waiting til the next (what i deem) worthy stage comes my way.

God! i am so @#^$#@$% arrogant. i am so stupidly blind. i know i still will fight my sinful heart full of satan's extrement that lies to me, that i'm above this and i shouldn't have to go through this and it's all other people's fault. not mine, cuz i'm so holy and much better. yea ok! i was going to hell. i was going to hell. wesley dara (casey) wilburn, you were all set and destined for hell. but JESUS felt like being gracious to you. HE plopped a whopper of a present on your life's doorstep heavy with eternal significance. and all i did was have to cut the shipping tape. that's it. that's freaking all i did. any other GOOD thing is the result of HIS mail in my heart. HIS not mine. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH i could scream how much i hate my sinful heart that grips and slinks in my mind and lies o so well. so attractively.

i hate the way i am. i've always been this way. i don't listen til it gets ugly. mom always told me when i was little when she asked nicely to stop doing something bad i wouldn't care and not listen. she had to practically bring down fire and brimstone before i kicked my butt into high gear... i fear i still have that syndrome. the almost 24 year old version. pray for me. i do not want to always be like that. i know God's trying to do some weeding in my heart... and he's given my such a precious source for that. ah... i am a handful... a pill. the weeds are in there stinking tight! wrapped around vein and muscle. so sadly God has to watch me bleed a little as He gets them out... but it's not HIS fault. i've let them grow too wild. not tamed them... like ever. it's time to step into my big girl married real christian pants. i didnt know what big pants i was asking to step into.

so it 's been good. hard. but good. that's the way it always seems to be... i'm ready for a break. but i can't expect one unless i'm willing to be soft and go with the flow... so basically it's on me that i've not had a break yet... i know God's totally at work. agh! it's just so tiring living in the active desire to have God work on your heart... but it's worth it.

so overwhelmed by His Grace that WANTS to make me more beautiful

alone

i'm back i'm back. ah... life is so much better. it's good... it's ok. i feel very blessed. God is working. i am watching my husband grow into a strong man of God. not only that but he's doing it in a hell hole. so if he can progress and God reach him that fast there, i can only imagine how much quicker he'll grow away from there. it is such an amazing thing to experience being loved by a human man like Christ loves us. is this human perfect? heavens no. but as we must in our walk with the Lord, as long as we strive for the goal, that's all that matters. and he is. i am a very very blessed wife. wife... weird.

but life is... ok. it's not good. and i feel awful not being able to say it's GOOD. cuz life is soooooo much better than it's been. but the last few days it's been inescapable. life won't be good here. not again. it won't be good until i'm with him again... it feels lame to my brain that's lived 22 years single, trying to despise sappy romance, and this brain only had 3 weeks trying to get used to this married stuff before it was forced to go back to living single... but not. it sounds stupid, but i shouldn't say that... but for real, it changed... it's inexplicable. i didn't thing "i do" would DO that much. and i mean the "other" stuff couldn't make the difference cuz tons of people get into that before marriage and they still manage to break up... but life is never the same. never will be.

it feels impossible to keep myself off that slippery slope of depression. i didn't want to admit it but... i think that's what i'm slipping into. thank you Jesus i'm going to be with him in half a month. if not, i think i'd go crazy. no joke.

i feel so guilty, i feel it most at church. i don't hate God. not bitter, nothing's happened to distance me from Him. just the opposite in fact, yet, church is painful now. i can't worship like i used to. messages take more to penitrate. i feel zapped. i feel worn out. having to serve, it's super hard. i feel i have nothing positive to give right now. i feel constantly crabby, and short tempered. just... tired.

kinda shared some of that with my parents at lunch today. they're reaction was surprising to me, basically they told me without saying the actual phrase, "DUH". as my dad said, "you need your man." haha o dear old dad. but i do... life is quickly being bled dry of it's color. things i used to take comfort in, no comfort comes anymore. i need him... as stupid as my brain is telling me i am for saying that. i can't keep doing this: being apart from him. that fact that i'll be leaving familiar is nothing anymore. what used to be my passions, interests, they aren't anymore. my passions and interests are his life, where he's at, his mission field. it scares me cuz it's new and more powerful, in a bad way, than my circles ever have been, but... i don't care. i can't care. my heart strings are growing stronger and stronger to a location over a huge body of water and becoming so very weak to the places and things here in my hometown. it's a terribly bizarre feeling. terribly alone. i could be in a crowd and still feel utterly alone. always will, until he's next to me.

1:25 am

*silence* ow...

Daddy talk 1:33am

i'd forgotten how nice it is to write... or type... technology is lame. typing sounds SO less romantic. agh! i'm pissy and blessed. i'm sane and a mess. i always seem to come off so together when i talk to people. even those closest to me. i dunno.. i get scared? i clam up? i have no stinking clue. i hurt. the end. i hurt. but i'm weird. my hurt doesn't stick long. gimme a petz on the head and i wag my tail again. i'm like a two year old. i get over stuff quickly. but i am two because AS SOON as the hurt comes back it's like it never left.

i KNOW i can do this. i have complete assurance that it will all work out. it always does. it always has. but the "dart puddle" as i called a DARK TUNNEL as a toddler seems so dart... "i can't see out of eyes" and it makes me cry "oo ah oo"? (how i said "where are you?") where are you? i've lost you... sometimes i feel so lost in my aloneness... no one, and i mean no one, is there 24/7 and 100% gets it... most i do not blame and love them to death for doing their darndest for trying to help.. and it does... you know who you are. and there are others who i feel in my flesh... should get it. ah i'm done being the one with the timely Bible verse. i'm tired of being the one with the perfect christian answer. i don't wanna have to take it anymore, to try so hard... this world blows... Daddy take me home... i'm done. my soul feels thinner than tissue paper. one touch and it would tear and bleed... but i only know how to bleed inwardly... hemorrhage.

ah... Lord, i DO NOT want to offend You... i love You more than life itself... my heart cries, "i would do ANYTHING for You!" but my logic immediately follows with "be careful what you pray for"... ive been experiencing walking a path of faith and attempting to reach total abandon and surrender... my flesh wants to take it back... yet in my heart i know this is all useful and i know my God. I KNOW Him. He is never vindictive. He is Abba, Daddy. He wouldn't hurt me, not truly. only do things that may cause some pain but that is different than hurting me. He doesn't want to... i love my God. there is not a better father, friend, lover or master. i just want the pain to stop. make it stop Daddy... please... just make it stop.

you must train... revisited

something i wrote when i was 19 but it came to mind at it's appropriateness again ~

a path looms before: dark, long, unclear. tear filled eyes strain to see as far ahead as can be. impossible. simply impossible. only a few feet are perceptible. hot tears create paths down stinging cheeks and an aching brain attempts to sustain a new pain. a couple passionless steps are executed. feet shuffle the earth more to see the leaves rustle and fly than to move along this foreboding road. back and forth, side to side; very little onward and upward. the sun seems to be in a continual state of setting, just sending it's last rays of searing orange and suffocating red over the horizon. the air is thick and the wind only disorients rather than refreshes. the trees look black and dead, dangerous even. who knows what life lies beyond. "no." another step can't be hazarded. no, that's wrong. it must be. this way must be traveled. muscles strain to pick up to leadened feet. tripping, plodding, stumbling, a few more feet gain. one long inhale is chanced. the air hurts to press into these tired lungs. this is crazy, this path is laid out ahead and it will be overtaken! the aching brain no longer aches but slips into a mad state. these steps are no longer slow and heavy-laden, they are short, staccato, frenzied. laughter and shrieks akin to insanity escape the exhausted lungs. they slow as do the steps when fatigue finally overtakes them. mindless shuffles resume. "no, no, no." that seems to be the only word these vocal chords can utter. "no!" sobs erupt from the spent body. this is the breaking point.

"no longer! i can't do this any longer!" i cry. my chest heaves, desperate for air. my whole being is in violent convulsions. my hands sweat and wring each other as if some answer could be derived from their writhing. tears come so hard i feel sick. "no, no." i pull at my hair and skin. "why?!" i scream to the sky. "why!" my chest hurts. "i know what you want of me but i can't seem to give it. why?" i trip further down the way, "you've told me how, but i still fail. you give me all that is required, and i return naught. you are everything to me, and what am i to you? you say i'm more but i don't ever, ever live up to your image of me." i pant, having expended near all of me. a few more clumsy steps mark the ground before the last. no more, no more; i drop heavily to my knees muttering as i go, "no, no, i can't... trust you."

my head hangs heavy as my mind tries so hard to make some sense of what i had just done. that's it. time to be finished with it all. and in that ominous nature, the sun depressingly lingering as if to say "your last chance is spent; you are finished", my limp torso swaying in the thick breeze. in one final burst of movement, i raise my eyes to the burnt heavens with watery eyes and one last sound escapes my quivering lips, "forgive me". i drop my head back as if to offer my throat to the executioner. my brain slows, waiting for the sweep of the axe. peace, knowing that it will all be over soon. suddenly the distant sun, the dead trees, the blackness isn't so frightening, for it can no longer harm me. i wait. but still i am in the middle of that terrible path. my brain awakens from it's resolved slumber. "what? no! you were supposed to end it." "but i can't stay like this. i'm not worthy. you've never given me a reason not to trust you, but i still can't let go." my frenzied state returns, i turn in circles looking for answers. i feel so dirty, so unworthy. these clothes, these vain, stifling clothes. i claw at them as they shred around my limbs. "you can't leave me like this." no, i keep tearing at myself, at the air, at anything. no, even my skin is unclean, i pick up leaves and stones. i scratch my arms. i must get clean somehow. my nails bite through my skin as blood warms my cold surface. my hair falls down my sides. i must strip it all away. "if you won't do it, i will!" tears and blood mingle on my ravaged edifice. defeated sobs echo in my chest. i continue to shriek and tear. change must come somehow.

my arms are tangled in front of me, crazed. in the middle of my screams and destruction, i now can't move. my paralyzed mind can't grasp why. "sh, sh." commanding arms are wrapped around me, preventing me from moving. established in my pattern i try to continue my draconian cleansing. a low whisper slips in my ear, "sh, no dear one, no." "but... i... have to", i force out through sobs. the arms from behind lock tighter around me. "no, little one, you don't have to." my muscles give in to my captor; my head drops back on his shoulder and my voice raises in long sorrowful moans. but my brain had not given up, "I - DO - NOT - DESERVE - YOU" i faintly enunciate thinking my firmness would change his mind. "i don't care, i still love you. and you know that." a sob of understanding ripples through my body, "my mind might but somehow my heart can't accept it... i can't trust you. and i hate myself for it." his grip tightens now to reassure not to restrain. "i'm sorry for that, beloved. i know, though, i know you don't trust me like you should. i made you." a cynical chuckle escapes me. "but how else do you think you can learn to trust me but continuing on that path i've laid before you. you admit your mind understands, now just train your heart to do the same. train it. train. you must train your heart, my darling."

he turns me and raises my chin to meet his eyes. as my gaze meets his, i'm overwhelmed; i feel i'm home. "why did i ever want to go anywhere else?" he laughs at my unguarded affection. "if you want to stay..." he slowly moves from me, walking backwards, further down the path. his eyes bore into mine, "... then stay here." his beautiful stare dazzles me. and tears of joy flood my eyes. laughter of pure mirth bubbles up from within. "yes, yes, my truth." at this new name he smiles but raises a quizzical eyebrow. "you are my truth. i love the truth." his smile breaks into a beaming grin and the most wonder laugh of a man echoes through the forest. as it touches the place, the breeze lightens and refreshes me. the trees turn green and the leaves grow crisp and cool. and suddenly the sun rises with new hues of promise; promising life all found in his eyes, brought along his path for me. "i must train my heart... to trust you." my first step out of my crazed state is taken. it nearly echoes with the weight of sheer resolution. "... and so i train."

blessings

original Aug. 24th '12
i'm coming here not quite sure what i want to say... well not formerly. i'm too tired to write something neat. but i'm just blown over by God's unfailing nature. trials have come and come, so hard and fast that i could barely find my footing. it was to the point that i didn't know if i could ever truly find up again. but now all of a sudden the clouds are parting again. and miracle of miracles i'm even seeing purpose for many of my thunderstorms... God is so faithful. my little victories- i have a job for sure now again this year when until today i was sweating it out. not only do i have a job but it wasn't even a struggle for my boss to decide if i could work for her. we finally have some dates for me traveling to iwakuni and it spans two holidays: the marine corps ball and thanksgiving. getting to spend special occassions with my husband means more than i can communicate. i get to see him again...
and that's the other thing that i can't get out of my head: my husband. we are both human, and far far from perfect but God really has blessed me. He's blessed me with a man with a soft heart. now i say that not meaning he is soft as a man. o no. he has a soft heart towards me as a woman, towards life that has constant lessons to learn and foremost to our Lord that whispers to our spirits in the stillness. he listens. his heart is pliable to the Master Potter's hands. how blessed i am to watch. it challenges me to have an even more teachable spirit. something that doesn't come naturally to any human but i feel especially me. "[pride] is strong with this one." at this moment i yearn for my Father to break me of it. i say that with knees knocking together because "breaking" is NEVER comfortable. but i know hardness is ugly and has painful jagged edges. i want my cracks smoothed out by His hands to not have any edges that might scratch or gouge people.
i am thankful for the blessings he has bestowed on me: a job, a date when i will see my love again, and a love that i wouldn't trade for anything in the world with a man that body, mind and soul i will never be able to separate myself from.

My savior is saved

original July 11th '12
"... did you not know what you were asking for in becoming a military wife?" Perhaps I didn't. I don't think anyone does. I've been reading up on the subject; yes, I'm a geek, nice to meet you. It's been painfully refreshing to know I'm not the only one who thinks and feels what I do. I mentally prepared for it as much as possible. But no one can ever understand some major life event until it is experience: mentally, physically, emotinally or spiritually. Mine is all of the above. Not just mine, any wife whose husband has been called away by duty to his country. I quote many, many other military wives that say, "You don't understand unless you are one. It either makes you... or breaks you." I intend, in God's power alone, to be one that it makes!
But I did not come here tonight to talk about my journey, but rather the reason I know I can make it through this journey, my inspiration to keep going. That reason is my husband. I wish I could tell each and every one of you the intricate details of each instance and situation this man has had to endure and has endured! By the very nature of his vocation, a United States Marine, he endures untold pressures most civilian men or women will never face. I thank each person who wears that Eagle, Globe and Anchor. I have seen and tasted your world. And I bow my head in respect for the life you must lead. It is not an easy one. You are the few and have every right to be proud for what you face every day. Yes Oorah's and Yuts are appropriate at this point!
My man though, and he is one at that, I married no boy for no boy could withstand what he does, he faces more challenges beyond the call of duty to his nation. He wakes up to a world everyday that is parched for God. Moreover, it is antagonistic toward what and Whom he believes. The enemy of our souls has done his best to bring him down. He must fight everyday and stake his claim in his Father's kingdom, not that of the prince of this world. He fights seen and unseen for his faith. Yet not only for his faith does he fight, but he fights for me and us. Almost every other relationship he has seen a buddy of his have when they met no longer exists. Marriages, engagements, dating relationships, none of them have a good track record in the military. However, our God has seen fit to make ours last and mature through this military life. His fellow Marines have marvelled at the vitality of our relationship, and praise God all he can do is give glory to our Savior. He has strengthened us both for this task.
But when waves hit, the man I married amazes me at how he can weather it and, just like a time we had at the beach when the current was too strong for me to stand, he grips my wrists and pulls us both back to shore, to safety. God gave me a man who He knew was strong enough to ford through the strong currents for both of us. He is a man who constantly is forced to go against the tide. It's tiring but he is the stronger for it. I am in complete awe of his ability to withstand set backs, cruelty, pain, disappointment and still come to my aid to help me wade through those deep waters. His capacity for kindness, patience, generosity of spirit never ceases amidst these trials. He took the advice of a beloved mentor to us both. He was told just before leaving for basic training, "Remember who you are and Whose you are." He has not forgotten either.
I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man as my husband, who lives a life that I cannot fathom having, but he does it to the glory of His Savior. Benjamin Arthur Wilburn always saves my day but that's because he has been saved for an eternity with his King, my King as well. To whoever calls Jesus Christ Lord and Master, He is Savior King to us all.
I love you baby.

Newly Wilburn

original June 14th '12
It's early in the morning and I should be sleeping but before I make a concerted effort I just had to write a little bit. This past year as most of you know was a stretch of our faith... but He proved faithful. A dear mentor and father in the Lord gave me this verse soon after Benjamin left over a year and a half ago and it has been fulfilled in our life: 2 Tim. 1:12 For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. Thus I thank my God for this past year, with it's doubts, fears, fights, tears. I thank Him because it also brought laughs and memories that can never be replaced and a broadened view of our God. He CAN do it! He IS faithful! He's worthy of being entrusted with our plans, emotions, relationships, and heart. He won't sqash them. They may get bruised and cracked. But if they crack it's only so they can be remolded to a more beautiful shape to fit HIS mold, that of His Son's, Jesus Christ's image (2 Cor. 3:18; Rom. 8:29). We had to lay down our plans and desires this past year. My flesh kicked at not getting "what I wanted it, and when I wanted it. And i wanted it NOW!" But God began teaching us personally the lesson of John 12:24 "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." If we die to ourselves, our plans and desires, and surrender to God's, we bear much fruit. I studied Matthew while Benjamin was away this past year, and the earnestness of John the Baptist's charge was imprinted on my heart: "bear fruit in keeping with repentance..." Matt. 3:8. Is my fruit habitually in keeping with repentance? Do I live a life consistent with my declaration of surrender from my own sinful way of life to the better (sometimes more difficult) plan of my heavenly Father's? Or do people still see me living for myself? Ouch! But God has blessed me with a man who fits me so well as to convict me most of the time (unless he feels like going easy on me ;)) when I do things not in accordance with the profession I've made.
And on that note... being newly Wilburn is... wonderful :) Would being together be even better? The understatement of the century. But we have faith that God will continue to teach us things by keeping us on our toes. It is such a blessing to be joined to a man who is hungry for God's heart. And, I could go on forever about him and about this next point but - young ladies "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" because there is NOTHING like the blessing of doing it God's way. Yet our Lord we know is a God of restoration. Praise Him! Joel 2:25 "And I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten..." How gracious is our God for looking out for every aspect of our lives. I am seeing and my heart quickens in anticipation of what a couple can do for the Lord. I love my husband and his leading us into the path our Lord has winnowed for us (Ps. 139:3).
Thank you ALL for praying for us this past year and now. Feeling the community surrounding us means the world to me... to us!
Love,
Mrs. Wesley Wilburn ;) hehe