Thursday, December 29, 2011

i came here with a very, very different purpose in writing... haha but God wouldn't allow that. i'll still be honest. i'm learning the art of being able to be honest and not paste on the "everything's perfect smile" but still be content in my God's plan and love.

so being honest: i am sick. not deathly but enough to keep my down and that makes me feel stir crazy. moreover, it makes me miss ben like there's no tomorrow. it makes the 7,000 miles between us feel like 700,000. i just want him to be around so that way i can fully rest. i'm never at as much peace anywhere else as when i'm with him. then not only do i miss him because i'm sick and i just want him around, but his today my tomorrow is our one year anniversary of being engaged... never intended on being able to mark an engagement anniversary but... we have. and he's not around for it. not only is he not around for it but he'll probably be at a coworkers birthday party that happens to fall on the same day... if he was home he'd be with me. i'm so weary of this stage. of feeling like i have to fight for first place in his life.

so i came to this place to vent my hurt and tiredness of this time in my life but before i did i read my two closest friends latest writings. and it reminded me of how much reason i have to rejoice... honestly even if i can't think of a reason because my emotions have clouded my mind. but i know it exists. it exists because He exists. a most precious woman once told me, "you can always find your sense of home. it doesn't depend on where you are or if you're with Ben. you'll have Jesus, so you can be home anywhere." i thought i'd not have to implement this until i move over to japan or someplace new. but more and more as this place does not feel like my home as my heart intertwines itself with my future husband i see now i must start now. Jesus first becomes ever more real to me. As much as i long to be with the man God has given to me (well soon) I must first and foremost bind my heart to my heavenly Savior. How beautifully agonizing the christian walk is. it is not for the faint of heart.

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26