Monday, September 29, 2008

i wish i had more time...

... to say all that is on my heart and in my head. this time in life is so full and ever changing and unpredictable. my opinions are like clay on so many levels and that's frightening. i am impressionable and pliable. people's actions and opinions and and... just being them makes me change my mind a million times. i'm so ready for solidity and establishment... but then again am i? i'm so young, yet i've aged so quickly

"a fragile frame aged with misery and when our eyes meet i know you see"

does anyone else besides one look into my eyes and even see a glimmer of the reality that is swirling inside my head. i wonder sometimes and when it happens it scares me. yet i ache for it at the same time. do you really see me when you look into these steely blue eyes.

i think it is quite appropriate that my eyes are steel blue don't you? read into that what you will...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

my attempt at poetry after a 2 year hiatus... go easy

the heart yearns

thinking its goal attainable

the heart burns

its desire ever there

the heart churns

its aim nearly viable

the heart turns

from painful rejections stare

Sunday, September 14, 2008

to die for love, what could be more glorious?

"I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.
I had a keeper, he helped me warn the ships at sea.
We had grown closer, 'till his joy meant everything to me.
And he was to marry, a girl who shone with beauty and light.
And they loved each other, and with me watched the sunsets into night. And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.
She'd had to leave us, my keeper he prayed for a safe return.
But when the night came, the weather to a raging storm had turned.
He watched her ship fight, but in vain against the wild and terrible wave.
In me so helpless, dashed against the rock she met her end.
Then on the next day, my keeper found her washed up on the SHORE.
He kissed her cold face, that they'd be together soon he'd swore.
I saw him crying, watched as he buried her in the sand.
And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.
I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
And though I am empty, I still warn the sailors on their way." die for love, what could be more glorious?

1 John 3:16 "We know love by this: Jesus laid down His life for us"

To die once and for all for love, what could be more glorious?

Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me."

To die daily for love, what could be more glorious?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

you must train

a path looms before: dark, long, unclear. tear filled eyes strain to see as far ahead as can be. impossible. simply impossible. only a few feet are perceptible. hot tears create paths down stinging cheeks and an aching brain attempts to sustain a new pain. a couple passionless steps are executed. feet shuffle the earth more to see the leaves rustle and fly than to move along this foreboding road. back and forth, side to side; very little onward and upward. the sun seems to be in a continual state of setting, just sending it's last rays of searing orange and suffocating red over the horizon. the air is thick and the wind only disorients rather than refreshes. the trees look black and dead, dangerous even. who knows what life lies beyond. "no." another step can't be hazarded. no, that's wrong. it must be. this way must be traveled. muscles strain to pick up to leadened feet. tripping, plodding, stumbling, a few more feet gain. one long inhale is chanced. the air hurts to press into these tired lungs. this is crazy, this path is laid out ahead and it will be overtaken! the aching brain no longer aches but slips into a mad state. these steps are no longer slow and heavy-laden, they are short, staccato, frenzied. laughter and shrieks akin to insanity escape the exhausted lungs. they slow as do the steps when fatigue finally overtakes them. mindless shuffles resume. "no, no, no." that seems to be the only word these vocal chords can utter. "no!" sobs erupt from the spent body. this is the breaking point.

"no longer! i can't do this any longer!" i cry. my chest heaves, desperate for air. my whole being is in violent convulsions. my hands sweat and wring each other as if some answer could be derived from their writhing. tears come so hard i feel sick. "no, no." i pull at my hair and skin. "why?!" i scream to the sky. "why!" my chest hurts. "i know what you want of me but i can't seem to give it. why?" i trip further down the way, "you've told me how, but i still fail. you give me all that is required, and i return naught. you are everything to me, and what am i to you? you say i'm more but i don't ever, ever live up to your image of me." i pant, having expended near all of me. a few more clumsy steps mark the ground before the last. no more, no more; i drop heavily to my knees muttering as i go, "no, no, i can't... trust you."

my head hangs heavy as my mind tries so hard to make some sense of what i had just done. that's it. time to be finished with it all. and in that ominous nature, the sun depressingly lingering as if to say "your last chance is spent; you are finished", my limp torso swaying in the thick breeze. in one final burst of movement, i raise my eyes to the burnt heavens with watery eyes and one last sound escapes my quivering lips, "forgive me". i drop my head back as if to offer my throat to the executioner. my brain slows, waiting for the sweep of the axe. peace, knowing that it will all be over soon. suddenly the distant sun, the dead trees, the blackness isn't so frightening, for it can no longer harm me. i wait. but still i am in the middle of that terrible path. my brain awakens from it's resolved slumber. "what? no! you were supposed to end it." "but i can't stay like this. i'm not worthy. you've never given me a reason not to trust you, but i still can't let go." my frenzied state returns, i turn in circles looking for answers. i feel so dirty, so unworthy. these clothes, these vain, stifling clothes. i claw at them as they shred around my limbs. "you can't leave me like this." no, i keep tearing at myself, at the air, at anything. no, even my skin is unclean, i pick up leaves and stones. i scratch my arms. i must get clean somehow. my nails bite through my skin as blood warms my cold surface. my hair falls down my sides. i must strip it all away. "if you won't do it, i will!" tears and blood mingle on my ravaged edifice. defeated sobs echo in my chest. i continue to shriek and tear. change must come somehow.

my arms are tangled in front of me, crazed. in the middle of my screams and destruction, i now can't move. my paralyzed mind can't grasp why. "sh, sh." commanding arms are wrapped around me, preventing me from moving. established in my pattern i try to continue my draconian cleansing. a low whisper slips in my ear, "sh, no dear one, no." "but... i... have to", i force out through sobs. the arms from behind lock tighter around me. "no, little one, you don't have to." my muscles give in to my captor; my head drops back on his shoulder and my voice raises in long sorrowful moans. but my brain had not given up, "I - DO - NOT - DESERVE - YOU" i faintly enunciate thinking my firmness would change his mind. "i don't care, i still love you. and you know that." a sob of understanding ripples through my body, "my mind might but somehow my heart can't accept it... i can't trust you. and i hate myself for it." his grip tightens now to reassure not to restrain. "i'm sorry for that, beloved. i know, though, i know you don't trust me like you should. i made you." a cynical chuckle escapes me. "but how else do you think you can learn to trust me but continuing on that path i've laid before you. you admit your mind understands, now just train your heart to do the same. train it. train. you must train your heart, my darling."

he turns me and raises my chin to meet his eyes. as my gaze meets his, i'm overwhelmed; i feel i'm home. "why did i ever want to go anywhere else?" he laughs at my unguarded affection. "if you want to stay..." he slowly moves from me, walking backwards, further down the path. his eyes bore into mine, "... then stay here." his beautiful stare dazzles me. and tears of joy flood my eyes. laughter of pure mirth bubbles up from within. "yes, yes, my truth." at this new name he smiles but raises a quizzical eyebrow. "you are my truth. i love the truth." his smile breaks into a beaming grin and the most wonder laugh of a man echoes through the forest. as it touches the place, the breeze lightens and refreshes me. the trees turn green and the leaves grow crisp and cool. and suddenly the sun rises with new hues of promise; promising life all found in his eyes, brought along his path for me. "i must train my heart... to trust you." my first step out of my crazed state is taken. it nearly echoes with the weight of sheer resolution. "... and so i train."

another profound song... haha

get tired of them? it never ceases to amaze me how i'm listening to a song i've heard a million times when suddenly it speaks to me and where i am right here and now...

I'm sorry

I don't mean to remember

It's true that I dream less often

I'm not ashamed

Of that long December

Your hand's coming down again

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

I'm falling

I'm shedding my skin

But it's not time I'm told

I am aware

Of what you mean by then

I'm only ten years old

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

My scars are yours today

This story ends so good

I love you and I understand

That you stood where I stood

I close my eyes and brace myself

I only noticed your face

No matter what you're gonna build my shell

No matter what you're gonna build my shell