i'm back... finally. and what i have to say won't be easy to express because it's about silence, the absence of something and how do you tell that??? i've been going through some CRAZY emotional roller coasters recently and i'm finally "evening" out again... hope it sticks. ya being a girl rocks! *sarcasm* and in my truly insane state, i was demanding an answer from God. almost screaming at the, what i felt to be, brassy heavens, stamping my little fleshly foot, and threatening the Almighty if i didn't get my way... with things utterly ridiculous or terrifying. after about a week of despair, endless tears, and raging i just had to let go. no amazing rescue from Him, no light bulb came on. and that's what i had been counting on. when i get like this that's what saves me: a knight in shining armor in the form of a new perspective or a scripture or simply a smoothed out emotional state will ride up and save this pathetic damsel in whiny distress.
that didn't come this time... like a two-year-old in a hissy fit, i just had to cry it out and then GET A GRIP! as a friend told me, i just probably was not accepting the answer that God was trying to give all along and self-destructing trying to make a new one. as i groped then for some help from my only true Comforter, i prayed and pleaded for some revelation. "how do i handle this? what am i supposed to think?" a thought occurred to me, so revolutionary compared to what i had been fuming about, it dazed me. in essence what i thought was "i like silence, i want silence". no more noise, no more demanding answers. just nothingness. that night my devotional hit the spot. it was titled "Listen to the Silence", some of it said:
"If I choose to hide you away, it is for a reason. If I wish to give you a time of rest, it is for your own good. Nothing is amiss that is in My will... I have brought you to this place. Make the most of it. Drink in the silence. Seek solitude. Listen to the silence. It will teach you. It will build strength."
Today I felt a whole week or month had passed for all the thoughts that were cluttering my mind. I found myself begging God for mere peace. For all the thoughts to just stop! Not that they were even terrible thoughts to have, simply distracting or too many at once. I wanted silence. I don't care about an answer, the solution to this riddle. God will work it out in His own timing and I don't want to tangle my brain with what I have no real insight into. If you know me at all, you should be fainting right now ; )
I want silence because it has it's own words that can never be heard unless you hear nothing else. I am reminded of Watermark's song "Still", "even silence has a song, cause that's when you come sing over me". This evening i continued to pray for silence. And i had one of those awesome moments when you know you hear the Spirit. Words came to my mind to pray that i had not generated, "Give me an answer in the silence." And i was in a place as i said that i did not need an answer. But I guess God wanted to give me one. : ) Then in my devotional, as it's done all throughout, it spoke directly into my situation:
"Do not hold back in wonder and disbelief. Accept My life is the Spirit as it is... Breathtaking? Perhaps. But how could you expect anything less of Me?... you will see much that is now obscure to you because you have chosen to walk in the darkness. I have better things for you - things in keeping with Myself. You have not truly known Me. You have been hindered in you comprehension by what you have read and been taught. There is very little more concerning Me that you can learn from human sources. You can know Me in the Spirit only when you go deeper in you worship... Only the heart that is melted in devotion is pliable in My hands... Labor not to be wise but to be yielded... There will be death and there will be a glorious resurrection."
Breathtaking! My God is breathtaking. That's the place i wanted to be back at. He is so good to put me back in the crook of His arm and tell me He won't let go.