Monday, January 26, 2009

the little wildflower

betwixt two worlds
waiting for roots to grow
the little wildflower

natural processes assumed
no fear disheartened or shook
the little wildflower

time changes all
misplacing the morsel of life
the little wildflower

passers by ignored
roots sprouted here and there
the little wildflower

years demand space
where to stay and grow
the little wildflower

growth brought assumption
living chords attached rightly so
the little wildflower

winds blew free
displacing comfort and all known
the little wildflower

what to do
a life needs to grow
the little wildflower

an open field
safety and place were offered
the little wildflower

vines wound 'round
finally assurance of realized needs
the little wildflower

green connection produced
but the life not provided
the little wildflower

healthy grass diminished
a field offered new adventure
the little wildflower

supposed newness undone
now where, just be forgetten
the little wildflower

please don't forget
the little wildflower

Sunday, January 18, 2009

a long time coming

i've finally finished what could be the most helpful book apart from the Word and wanted to compile all the phrases and words i highlighted just to see what comes of it:
- "In some Christian gatherings people are asked to turn around and look the person next to them full in the face, even if he is a perfect stranger, and say, with a broad smile and without the least trace of a blush, 'God loves you, and so do I,'... This apparently makes some of them feel good. Perhaps it even convinces them they've obeyed the strongest and toughest command ever laid on human beings: Love one another as Christ has loved you. No wonder people cast about for some other word to describe what they feel...."

- "My walk with Christ is rather an alone one."

- "The struggle was not over any unwillingness to cross an ocean or live under a thatched roof, but over whether this was my idea or God's..."

- "'Me, Lord? Single?' It was an obstruction to my prayers and the subject of recurrent dreams."

- "He would have to be a man who prized virginity - his own as well as mine - as much as I did."

- "By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere."

- "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awaken love until it pleases."

- 1 John 4:16 "God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God..."

- "O Love, that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee,
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be." George Matheson

- "Are we in a bargaining position with our Creator, Redeemer, the Holy One?"

- "Women still dream and hope, pin their emotions on some man who doesn't reciprocate and end up in confusion."

- "Wasn't it sufficient that I honestly desired to love God and do what He wanted?"

- "Be it by water or by fire, Oh, make me clean, Oh make me clean!"

- "As I grew into womanhood and began to learn what was in my heart I saw very clearly that, of all things difficult to rule, none were more so than my will and affections."

- "The fair new petals must fall, and for visible reason. No one seems enriched by the stripping."

- "Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship."

- "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad."

- "Doesn't He want me to be happy?... He wants you most to be holy."

- "Hold Thou Thy cross between us, blessed Lord,
Let us love Thee. To us Thy power afford
To remain prostrate at Thy pierced feet -
There is no other place where we may meet."

- "... the heart set to do the Father's will need never fear defeat."

- "For His presence known shall be
By the holy harmony
Which His coming makes in thee."

- "Yea, build in me the buttressed
bastion of faith
That shall resist the undersucking flow
of soulish tide,
And make me endure this late attack,
I pray, in Jesus' name."

- Isaiah 54:5 "Your husband is you maker, whose name is the Lord of Hosts."

- "Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear."

- "I could not love thee, dear, so much,
Loved I not honor more"

- "Lovesickness may seem a trifle compared with other maladies, but the one who is sick with love is sick indeed, and the Heavenly Father understands that. He steadily draws us along the pathway to glory, if our deepest heart is set on His kingdom, if we are not of those whom Psalm 78:8 describes as 'a generation with no firm purpose, with hearts not fixed steadfastly on God.'"

- "When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die."

- "It is not that everything that has anything to do with ourselves is in itself wicked and deserving of death... It was a choice to lay down everything - the good He had done and the good He might do if He was permitted to live - for the love of God. The same choice is offered to us."

- "God spoke peace into my emotional turmoil because I was... silent enough to hear it."

- "They dress most gloriously in preparation for death."

- "Are you willing to face grief and pain or whatever it takes for Me to make you that?"

- 2 Cor. 4:17, 18 "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen."

- "Pray that you may be an intrusment of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy."

- "Let not our longing slay the appetite of living."

- "... the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done."

- "If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?"

- "After you have suffered a while, he himself will mend that which was broken. If all struggles and sufferings were eliminated, the spirit would no more reach maturity than would the child."

- "What hindereth thee more than thine affections not fully mortified to the will of God?" Thomas a Kempis

- "Wait on God. Keep your mouth shut."

- "Quietly courageous."

- "A woman's beauty should reside... in the innermost center of her being...."

- "It was in learning to eat that Living Bread, sufficient always for one day at a time that i was taught and disciplined and prepared for later things."

- "Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all that life really means." Robert Louis Stevenson
"Take therefore no thought for the morrow....
Give us this day our daily bread.
... As thy days, so shall thy strength be."

- "What his own soul felt as bitter pain,
From making others feel should man abstain... if I look back longingly upon what used to be, and linger among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing of Calvary love. Keep the level of my love in Christ - never lower."

- "... forgetfulness of self in order to be strong to serve."

- "Have I an object Lord, below, which would divide my heart from Thee?"

- 'Oh, how delicate are the tuggings of my Beloved, and how calloused my responses."

- "Far too long hath there been a slave and a tyrant concealed in woman. On that account woman is not capable of friendship: she knoweth only love."

- "All that is perfectly human and perfectly natural in us must first be offered. It does not become inhuman and unnatural by this offering...."

- "I wanted to marry a man prepared to swim against the tide."

- "It is only the few who will pay full price. You get what you pay for."

- "If your goal is purity of heart, be prepared to be thought very odd."

- "Are there any who still search the sky for the beacon of purity?"

- "Measure your progress by your experience of love of God and its exercise before men...."

- "But true Christians consider themselves as not satisfying some rigorous creditor, but as discharging a debt of gratitude."

- "If you feel sure you are standing firm, beware! You may fall."

- "I asked the heaven of stars
What I should give my love -
It answered me with silence,
Silence above,

I asked the darkened sea
Down where the fishes go -
It answered me with silence,
Silence below.

Oh, I could give him weeping,
Or I could give him a song -
But how can I give silence
My whole life long?"

- "The disposition... to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self."

- "Hold us in strength and hold us still"

- "At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul."

- "God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. When you look at the oak tree, you don't feel that the "loss" of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your life, the less terrible will the losses seem.... The seed does not 'know' what will happen. It only knows what is happening - the falling, the darkness, the dying."

- "If any man will let himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."

- "Could it be that we are crossing the same river, but far enough apart to be at different depths, wisely kept so so that we would not sing together?"

- "Trusting Him, then requires that I leave some things to be decided by others."

- "Love... is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God...."

- "Each is to esteem the other better than himself."

- "... the life I now live is not my life, but the life which Christ lives in me...."

Friday, January 9, 2009

Lucy, i'm really home!

so that was christmas, now here's a little of new years.
it was quite strange to come home then leave two days later on my own. it was also a very new experience to spend the last few minutes of '08 and the first few of '09 in a house not mine, surrounded by people i don't now all that well. Then finishing out the New Years celebration by sitting on the floor with the boys watching Return of the King til about 3 am. haha o man way to break in 2009 whew! just after the passing of midnight i wrote "What an odd way to end one year and bring in another. So i delve into my psyche and collect the memories of this past year. New became old hat and non-existent came to be. I had a growth spurt and then grew weary from the growth pains. So a new year is called for to bring life back into my body."
i can't wait for a new year, mostly. i like time moving forward, bringing more events and time to stuff in my experience box, relying on my charts and diagrams to confirm my findings collected from Divine, parental, personal, and friendly sources. the first week of the new year was interesting, exciting, intriguing, exhausting. things happened to make me raise an eyebrow, smile, others raise an eyebrow no doubt, my smile change to a beaming one, my brow furrowed in thought, music discovered to unravel the knots of my soul, laughs to confirm and reaffirm love and camaraderie i would not trade for the world. caps were tossed like "monkey in the middle" inside my head, from mouth to mouth. my skills with a 9 mil barretta were discovered and noticed. other things were noticed again. opportunities were presented and doors will be walked through. i pray they lead to only good. i know i'm sounding extremely ambiguous, get over it! plus if you know me, you should be able to understand about everything.
here are some not so cryptic statements:
- what are words when we can have unawkward silences?!
- i'm not kidding, get paper!
- our conversations are more awkward than our silences.
- but our awkward conversations aren't awkward at all!
- you're my freak so it's ok.
- "bubble bath"= Diana getting drunk
- leg bahahahahaha
- hammocks inspire all kind of giggles
- "i'd be a lot more submissive if i could slay dragons." the most oxymoronic statement i've ever heard
- "i love you. i love my mommy too" : )
- American Restoration, it's time for change ; ) it will happen! youtube here we come

Lucy, i'm home!

o man! i've been gone forever. my parents have become strangers, thus lengthy sessions of hanging on their necks was in order : ) my own bed is an awesome nest to huddle in yet being away from home makes me feel so much more prepared for life... in some senses... more domestic haha. my christmas break and new years has been a whirlwind and i'm trying to stop my head from spinning *doing sautes now (if you're not a dancer don't try and understand)*. but life is about to go back to normal... well school is starting again ewwww! though that won't even be normal this semester. i haven't blogged in forever but hey certain someone's who shall remain nameless *coughing no one's name* i'm not the only one!

so this break and what's to come... "lemme esplain. no takes too long; lemme som up" please tell me you got that and i didn't make those disgusting spelling errors for nothing! well going to MO was interesting. lately, well not lately all my issues have been so internal! it's all in my head really. i just think. i fight with myself. i fight to keep my mouth shut. i ponder what i should say, shouldn't say. i restrain my tongue from rehashing dead topics. i think hard on subjects more and more like i can squeeze an answer from my turning the issue over in my brain. also i feel everything so much more deeply. that doesn't mean i've become more mushy at least to the public. sorry all i still don't cry haha ; ) i find myself wishing i could cry though, hmm strange ugh i'll think about that later.

*see a blank stare* sorry, so anyway MO, regarding the feeling more and mental thing, for the first time i remember at least, really LOVING that small town steeped in history. though my bumpkin meter ran too high toward the end of the trip. God bless the small town but i couldn't stay in one for over a week. but i can't explain my reaction, internally of course, to bebe being able to tell a story for each building, street, knick knack. it moved me as stupid as that sounds. walking the old cemetery was like a cool breeze through my soul. to walk through those beautiful headstones that are to help the world remember hundreds of past lives and deeds, i could feel like myself. i feel at home among the old and past, older values and codes, the quiet and known, not new. i want to walk well trodden paths that i can entrench. think of me as a restoration not a renovation and i like it that way.

after that completely unnecessary intro here are some of my thoughts and realizations while away from home in MO. i loved hearing about some family history from uncle edward. haha ah uncle edward, you gotta love him as he gives a good ol' texas "yahoo" for the whole restaurant to hear and says "God bless you to all he passes". o goodness. and about 6 times he shoved him palm in my face when he told a family story he deemed i shouldn't remember. yes all 20 years of me. but back to what he unearthed about our family. back when W. VA was just VA our family owned a whole town named after us. not casey, it was a branch further back, flescher, so flescherville. and stonewall's grandson bought it from us and it became part of W.VA and is now Weston. apparently there is some structure that tells about the history of the town that lays all this out. i was giddy when i heard this. my family owned a town! and stonewall's grandson bought it from us! eeeeeee!

then at bebe's i was reminded of the good and not all that hot aspects of my family. it just made me laugh. and we laughed, for not seeing each other that much therefore not knowing each other a whole lot we sure do laugh a bunch. it also gave me some perspective on my whole life, made me see things from a different angle. here are some things i jotted down while there:

- "can i show you my little thingy" haha bebe cracks me up

- "we are a touching family"

- boyfriends are fresh, oy good times

- my eating habits are always of interest. usually it's that i don't eat enough. now it was "hungry again?" which dad asked at one point adding "just a growing girl". i quickly replied "yea growing sideways". and in all his adorableness he said "no you're a skinny minney". <3

- Dec. 25th and the 25th Psalm was the most incredible pairing of day and chapter to read. i wrote down verse 3, 5, 14, 16, 17, 20, 21! awesome stuff

- v.21 is my theme verse: Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for You!

- bebe gave me a ring of her's that was from a WWII navy man who got it in the east probably. mom and i saw a close copy in an antique shop for $250 made with opals and rubies. she said they were popular back then and through the Vietnam War. mine are probably opals and sapphires in gold. ya pretty exciting stuff!!!

- i had the strangest dream, one of those that felt real. i had a child. very bizarre but hey i'm the most maternal right? bah!

- there was a traffic jam, in Marshall terms, at the McDonald's the 26th hahahaha ah small towns

- i was so tired of college money! it's a joke my dad and i have. seriously my tuition no longer needs to be paid ok?!

- and be careful what you pray for. God answered mine in a funny way. one morning i laid a tough situation in His hands using the famous "Thy will be done". and that night He answered it in a way i wasn't looking for.