just some jumbled thoughts...

driving home from work the other day i was pondering the conundrum of how we can never see ourselves through another's eyes. we can never see our mannerisms natural and impromptu. never shall we hear our voices in another's ears. the closest we can get it looking in a mirror, which is just looking at another thing that happens to reflect our image. but we can never see ourselves without using OUR eyes that happened to be tied to our consciousness and subconscious perception of our image. this i'm sure influences what we see greatly. and how we move in front of a mirror can never be termed at ease and unrehearsed. admit it! you know it's true. and one evening years ago, my father revealed a thing to me that has left me sitting on prickles ever since. i pointed out to him that when i hear my voice on the answering machine, for instance, i sound so different than when i hear myself talk. i didn't like the first example. like the logical man he is and of course "daddy knows best", he cast a terrible light on the truth that what i hear in my own ears results from my voice resonating in my own body. it's not what anyone else hears. therefore, what i hear on the answering machine is what others hear. i am profoundly sorry world!

as all these rambling lines of thought toppled between my ears, i came to the conclusion: we can never ever know ourselves completely because there is that part of us as i just laid out above that others will always have and we never will. others can use their five senses on us like we are simply not able to do. then an sense of injustice rose in me. "why?" why can't we know ourselves completely. i don't feel like my own person. like some of my privacy has been stolen. i just heard of a secret that i am not allowed to listen to. how dare that happen! again "why?"! but then God's nature came to mind. how He is mysterious. some things we can never figure out. but i believe these parts of Him have been placed here for us to seek out. this withstanding, and we acknowledge the fact that we are made in His image; why shouldn't we have mysteries? some things we will spend our whole lives seeking out but never fully grasping. no don't be discouraged. i'm not. it's not about finding the answers but the fact that we do try to seek them out. that doesn't sound quite hallmarkish, forgive me. the hour is late and i'm reverting to triteness.

one final revelation: maybe another reason we aren't allowed to see ourselves wholly is because in that complete view to our feeble human minds the weight would be too much. and by weight i refer to the overwhelming sight of our good points: beauty, grace, lovely eye, keen mind, quick wit. and the unbearable backhand of our faults. He knows what we can handle. we humans are altogether too beautiful and hideous simultaneously.

i need to live again

i read his love letters to me, i talk about him with others, i sing about him, i sing to him. i feel his hand guide me, he gives me everything i need. are my thoughts turned toward him are of adoration and love. but how do i express this love? how can i give back just a morsel of the undying love he gives to me. i smile, i sway, i even lift my hands. my heart burns within me, the fire deep down sears my bones. i feel light-headed and quietly giggle at the secret delight that only he and i share at this moment.

and yet... and yet he makes me smile and laugh. i'm not making him smile. well i might give him a small smile but i want him to jump up and down, dance around screaming, "she loves me, she loves me!". but how do i do this? i do what makes me feel closest to him. and what is that? when my soul moves to worship, my body longs to as well. however mainstream christendom does not accept this as a sunday morning norm. some even raise an eyebrow at uplifted hands. but to completely feel my Love's complete presence and happiness and feel totally happy in Him i must move. i feel immersed in the Savior's arm to the fullest extent only when i am dancing.

i long to use myself as a vessel again. to worship God in my own personal form of worship. singing in church is wonderful but only do i feel i have stretched to my full worship potential when i dance worship not just sing it. i tell a story to others or just back to God through my body. and when i do i feel His good pleasure. when i dance for Him i feel completely exposed but so exposed that i can't be hurt because He totally consumes me, covers me, and therefore protects me.

if you haven't guessed, this is slightly uncommon. most people don't really get it. even if i explain and they say they understand, no one really can unless they experience it themselves. that's why my soul feels so refreshed when i can fellowship with the few who do understand this. : ) this part of my life is small, hidden, and private. it's relieving to share it once in awhile with the select group who i know feel the same way. bottom line: i feel smothered not being able to dance and not dance for God. it's my way to breath, clear my head, give something back to God and put a smile on His face. it's my way to feel alive. to know i exist. i need to feel alive again!

more to come...

i want to write so much more but it's too late now and i must exercise SOME self restraint... so hopefully tomorrow night i can let loose! but i just wanted to say a little something this evening. i love my life right now. that sounds nutty i know and it's not the usual "i love it" because everything is going my way. not at all! but i love it because God has grown me up in so many areas and revealed Himself to me even more. He is more real to me than ever before and i love what i am seeing. the more i see of Him the more i fall in love. i am so happy right now at this inexplicable peace and excitement for anything and everything He might send my way. "here i am, send me" is my cry. i will do it all for You. anything you ask me i am ready! i love my God. how can anybody get through this life without Him?!!! He makes me complete. He completely understands me, plans my life for what is best for me and what will grow me up as a person. and He loves me no matter what. how often do we get that from humanity. almost never! but whatever i do, He will always love me for me.

i'll love you forever!

so you (abby) dedicated this a while ago. but i never forgot it. i love it and i love you. i thought i should share it with... the void haha.

your baby blues

so full of wonder

your curley cues

your contagious smile

and as i watch

you start to grow up

all I can do is hold you tight knowing

clouds will rage and storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

story books are full of fairy tales

of kings and queens and the bluest skies

My heart is torn just in knowing

you'll someday see the truth from lies

when the clouds will rage and

storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

Castles, they might crumble

dreams may not come true

but you are never all alone

'cause I will always

always love you

when the clouds will rage

and storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down

waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

in my arms

"... so i can feel the wind on my face"

i don't know why. it is the middle of summer. humidity reigns supreme now and home is dry and stagnant but my thoughts are drifting to that cool crisp fall wind. the kind that forces you to inhale and at first shocks your lungs at its strength and coolness. but in turn it invigorates you. the kind that blows so hard at your back it pushes you a little further down your path. the kind that makes nature bow to it and compels you turn into it to keep your hair out of your eyes. the awesome power of wind. the majesty and intricacy of it.

i long to be the wind. just as anderson made ariel sacrifice herself and become sea foam i long to vanish from this homo sapien realm and dissipate into the gale that brushes my brothers' and sisters' cheeks.

why you ask should i desire such an odd transformation? can't you see?! the wind blows around the whole earth. what gust pushes us today, did just the same in Romania yesterday. someone else on the other side of the globe was surrounded by the same presence as i am today. wind is universal. it sees no boundaries or distinctions. it knows no limits on earth. and no one on earth can limit it. it is free. but know, i do not desire to be thus changed for ultimate freedom. no no. just the reverse. i want to be the wind to be controlled. true, no human can contain it but something higher does. it has no control over where it will blow next. only the God of the Skies twists its mass where He wills. it doesn't know where it will blow and it doesn't care. it doesn't know how forceful it will burst in or ask why it's not softer or harder.

i do not long to be this element because it has no memory or identity. on the contrary! it has a past. everywhere is passes through, the people and animals lift their faces and sniff the zephyr for what it carries in it. the wind brings with it the mark of where it has last been: the mysterious spice of the east, or the romantic perfume of the continent, or the pure ice of the north. it tells each and everyone the story of its journey of whence it has just come. however, it tells only of where it has presently been. it can't tell the stories of long past. has it forgotten the sites and smells of places far away in it's travel or just become mute? still the change is the same. the wind has a past but only for a short time can it tell it.

moreover, it has no planned future. it does not chart and plan its next route. only its Creator can do this. and it is not able to bulk at its heading. only does it willingly comply to its direction. and bring its effect either soothing or fearful on the creatures in its path. if its effect be judged pleasant or ill by those touched it can't and won't do anything about it but move on to the next place it is bidden.

still, there remains one last aim for which my heart yearns. reason with me. what is the wind? there is no immediate answer is there? the wind is nothing but a conglomeration of other things. in and of itself it has no substance. wind is simply air that is pulled about quickly. and the air at this pace catches and brings particles and pieces of smell with it. but the wind is nothing. it has no body. nothing anyone can see. but it does bring change. the strongest wind makes the trees cower to its power and the gentlest breeze makes a child smile.