Thursday, September 13, 2012

1:25 am

*silence* ow...

Friday, September 7, 2012

Daddy talk 1:33am

i'd forgotten how nice it is to write... or type... technology is lame. typing sounds SO less romantic. agh! i'm pissy and blessed. i'm sane and a mess. i always seem to come off so together when i talk to people. even those closest to me. i dunno.. i get scared? i clam up? i have no stinking clue. i hurt. the end. i hurt. but i'm weird. my hurt doesn't stick long. gimme a petz on the head and i wag my tail again. i'm like a two year old. i get over stuff quickly. but i am two because AS SOON as the hurt comes back it's like it never left.

i KNOW i can do this. i have complete assurance that it will all work out. it always does. it always has. but the "dart puddle" as i called a DARK TUNNEL as a toddler seems so dart... "i can't see out of eyes" and it makes me cry "oo ah oo"? (how i said "where are you?") where are you? i've lost you... sometimes i feel so lost in my aloneness... no one, and i mean no one, is there 24/7 and 100% gets it... most i do not blame and love them to death for doing their darndest for trying to help.. and it does... you know who you are. and there are others who i feel in my flesh... should get it. ah i'm done being the one with the timely Bible verse. i'm tired of being the one with the perfect christian answer. i don't wanna have to take it anymore, to try so hard... this world blows... Daddy take me home... i'm done. my soul feels thinner than tissue paper. one touch and it would tear and bleed... but i only know how to bleed inwardly... hemorrhage.

ah... Lord, i DO NOT want to offend You... i love You more than life itself... my heart cries, "i would do ANYTHING for You!" but my logic immediately follows with "be careful what you pray for"... ive been experiencing walking a path of faith and attempting to reach total abandon and surrender... my flesh wants to take it back... yet in my heart i know this is all useful and i know my God. I KNOW Him. He is never vindictive. He is Abba, Daddy. He wouldn't hurt me, not truly. only do things that may cause some pain but that is different than hurting me. He doesn't want to... i love my God. there is not a better father, friend, lover or master. i just want the pain to stop. make it stop Daddy... please... just make it stop.

you must train... revisited

something i wrote when i was 19 but it came to mind at it's appropriateness again ~

a path looms before: dark, long, unclear. tear filled eyes strain to see as far ahead as can be. impossible. simply impossible. only a few feet are perceptible. hot tears create paths down stinging cheeks and an aching brain attempts to sustain a new pain. a couple passionless steps are executed. feet shuffle the earth more to see the leaves rustle and fly than to move along this foreboding road. back and forth, side to side; very little onward and upward. the sun seems to be in a continual state of setting, just sending it's last rays of searing orange and suffocating red over the horizon. the air is thick and the wind only disorients rather than refreshes. the trees look black and dead, dangerous even. who knows what life lies beyond. "no." another step can't be hazarded. no, that's wrong. it must be. this way must be traveled. muscles strain to pick up to leadened feet. tripping, plodding, stumbling, a few more feet gain. one long inhale is chanced. the air hurts to press into these tired lungs. this is crazy, this path is laid out ahead and it will be overtaken! the aching brain no longer aches but slips into a mad state. these steps are no longer slow and heavy-laden, they are short, staccato, frenzied. laughter and shrieks akin to insanity escape the exhausted lungs. they slow as do the steps when fatigue finally overtakes them. mindless shuffles resume. "no, no, no." that seems to be the only word these vocal chords can utter. "no!" sobs erupt from the spent body. this is the breaking point.

"no longer! i can't do this any longer!" i cry. my chest heaves, desperate for air. my whole being is in violent convulsions. my hands sweat and wring each other as if some answer could be derived from their writhing. tears come so hard i feel sick. "no, no." i pull at my hair and skin. "why?!" i scream to the sky. "why!" my chest hurts. "i know what you want of me but i can't seem to give it. why?" i trip further down the way, "you've told me how, but i still fail. you give me all that is required, and i return naught. you are everything to me, and what am i to you? you say i'm more but i don't ever, ever live up to your image of me." i pant, having expended near all of me. a few more clumsy steps mark the ground before the last. no more, no more; i drop heavily to my knees muttering as i go, "no, no, i can't... trust you."

my head hangs heavy as my mind tries so hard to make some sense of what i had just done. that's it. time to be finished with it all. and in that ominous nature, the sun depressingly lingering as if to say "your last chance is spent; you are finished", my limp torso swaying in the thick breeze. in one final burst of movement, i raise my eyes to the burnt heavens with watery eyes and one last sound escapes my quivering lips, "forgive me". i drop my head back as if to offer my throat to the executioner. my brain slows, waiting for the sweep of the axe. peace, knowing that it will all be over soon. suddenly the distant sun, the dead trees, the blackness isn't so frightening, for it can no longer harm me. i wait. but still i am in the middle of that terrible path. my brain awakens from it's resolved slumber. "what? no! you were supposed to end it." "but i can't stay like this. i'm not worthy. you've never given me a reason not to trust you, but i still can't let go." my frenzied state returns, i turn in circles looking for answers. i feel so dirty, so unworthy. these clothes, these vain, stifling clothes. i claw at them as they shred around my limbs. "you can't leave me like this." no, i keep tearing at myself, at the air, at anything. no, even my skin is unclean, i pick up leaves and stones. i scratch my arms. i must get clean somehow. my nails bite through my skin as blood warms my cold surface. my hair falls down my sides. i must strip it all away. "if you won't do it, i will!" tears and blood mingle on my ravaged edifice. defeated sobs echo in my chest. i continue to shriek and tear. change must come somehow.

my arms are tangled in front of me, crazed. in the middle of my screams and destruction, i now can't move. my paralyzed mind can't grasp why. "sh, sh." commanding arms are wrapped around me, preventing me from moving. established in my pattern i try to continue my draconian cleansing. a low whisper slips in my ear, "sh, no dear one, no." "but... i... have to", i force out through sobs. the arms from behind lock tighter around me. "no, little one, you don't have to." my muscles give in to my captor; my head drops back on his shoulder and my voice raises in long sorrowful moans. but my brain had not given up, "I - DO - NOT - DESERVE - YOU" i faintly enunciate thinking my firmness would change his mind. "i don't care, i still love you. and you know that." a sob of understanding ripples through my body, "my mind might but somehow my heart can't accept it... i can't trust you. and i hate myself for it." his grip tightens now to reassure not to restrain. "i'm sorry for that, beloved. i know, though, i know you don't trust me like you should. i made you." a cynical chuckle escapes me. "but how else do you think you can learn to trust me but continuing on that path i've laid before you. you admit your mind understands, now just train your heart to do the same. train it. train. you must train your heart, my darling."

he turns me and raises my chin to meet his eyes. as my gaze meets his, i'm overwhelmed; i feel i'm home. "why did i ever want to go anywhere else?" he laughs at my unguarded affection. "if you want to stay..." he slowly moves from me, walking backwards, further down the path. his eyes bore into mine, "... then stay here." his beautiful stare dazzles me. and tears of joy flood my eyes. laughter of pure mirth bubbles up from within. "yes, yes, my truth." at this new name he smiles but raises a quizzical eyebrow. "you are my truth. i love the truth." his smile breaks into a beaming grin and the most wonder laugh of a man echoes through the forest. as it touches the place, the breeze lightens and refreshes me. the trees turn green and the leaves grow crisp and cool. and suddenly the sun rises with new hues of promise; promising life all found in his eyes, brought along his path for me. "i must train my heart... to trust you." my first step out of my crazed state is taken. it nearly echoes with the weight of sheer resolution. "... and so i train."