again God is so good to me!

To you I call, O LORD my Rock;

do not turn a deaf ear to me.

For if you remain silent,

I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
Hear my cry for mercy

as I call to you for help,

as I lift up my hands

toward your Most Holy Place.
Do not drag me away with the wicked,

with those who do evil,

who speak cordially with their neighbors

but harbor malice in their hearts.
Repay them for their deeds

and for their evil work;

repay them for what their hands have done

and bring back upon them what they deserve.
Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD

and what his hands have done,

he will tear them down

and never build them up again.
Praise be to the LORD,

for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy

and I will give thanks to him in song.
The LORD is the strength of his people,

a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
Save your people and bless your inheritance;

be their shepherd and carry them forever.

i've loved this song for years... then i didn't know why

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Well maybe it's too far away
Maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
you can Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
When your education x-ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a thing
That I could not tell my fans
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
that you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
~ 3 doors down

the warrior silent

so whatchu think? *cocking head* ; )

behold! there stands one
battling forces seen by none

from newborn light awakened
the struggle lasts til sun is taken

trained to arm with steel and chain
these now fail and quickly wane

but of these woes no utterance let
the weary heart and mind beget

facing battle, the heartbeat waits
the breath leaves quickly as to faint

knowing not how to charge this new quest
all must be risked and soul put to test

no enemy be slain before or behind
only thine own, fitted harness may find

you, o warrior, must hold true
til second strength comes anew

when relief heals, this not known
verily as better force beats thine own

inspired by the wonderous Ms. Dickinson's words:
"To fight aloud is very brave,
But gallanter, I know,
Who charge within the bosom,
The cavalry of woe."

here's one from a little while ago...

my fingers stray a bit longer
running over wool and braids
recalling why it affects me so much
and causes my heart to stay

God blows my mind!

funny, the verses that i automatically want to give for encouragement i find other's view as depressing or too heavy - not uplifting. again my family and friends' case is proved... i have weird taste. her mother and i do! hahaha <3

just thinking about... if we're gonna church up that, we'd say "meditating". oo i sound spiritual now : P ANYWAY thinking about 2 Corithians 5:21. I LOVE THAT VERSE!

"He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."

so obviously we immediately think of Jesus dying on the cross - He was made sin for us who never knew it. now that's awesome, He would stoop to do that and experience an awful sensation He never had before, sin! but the part that really hits me is He did this, the perfect Son of God, God Himself, second Person of the Trinity, gave up this privilege and gave it to us. not only to us (giving a privilege) but in order that WE become the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD! i don't think you got it the first time. Jesus purposefully gave up His job, a being who was perfection and purity itself, to humans, the emitimy of filthiness and depravity, to represent His Father's righteous nature!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't know about you but that blows my mind. a spiritual bullet has been projected through my brain. and an amazing sense of awe and wonder and love and thankfulness and unworthiness swirls all together through that void now left by this new realization. our task is to showcase God's righteousness. it's all us now! we have the follow spot and the world is watching. and here comes the funny part. many i know would shudder with the sheer weight of this thought but it invigorates me. it gives me a focus and makes me want to push farther to be the embodiment of the Alpha and Omega's righteousness. it's an overwhelming responsibililty but it has been given to us. Jesus went through everything to give it up and i want to show Him His sacrifice was worth it. I never want Him to look at me and think, "shame, i died for her and she has little to show for it"! never never never!!! He trusted lil ol' me enough with His righteousness and i'm gonna make the most of it! no words can express my love for my - MY - Saviour!

by the way, the song i'm listening to now, pretty amazing - your guardian angel by red jumpsuit apparatus

When I see your smile

Tears run down my face I can't replace

And now that I'm strong I have figured out

How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul

And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Seasons are changing

And waves are crashing

And stars are falling all for us

Days grow longer and nights grow shorter

I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart

Please don't throw that away

Cuz I'm here for you

Please don't walk away and

Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will

Pull my strings just for a thrill

And I know I'll be okay

Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

because i can!

i just finished my last paper for the semester and can relax a little... til finals come a knockin'. ewwww! so i'm staying up later than i should because... ready for it?... i can!!! hahahaa

i knew i wanted to say something just not sure what. some stuff has been happening but not really worth mentioning on here and God kinda removed the struggle in my heart YAY GOD! so don't need to worry about it anymore. on that point i'm just more resolved : ) so what to say...

well my mom and i had talked a little this evening about the whole school decision and the dance thing. understandably she's scared - it's risky. but i was trying to explain where i was coming from, how passionate i feel. it was so cute, she said maybe you are passionate but i've been so used to you being a passionless person it's taking a while for me to get used to it or recognize what it looks like in you. : ) love her! i also was telling her what i had talked about earlier that my whole like i had never ever gone out on a limb for anything, innocent or disobedient (you know what i mean!). so it was about the flippin' time! i'm almost 20! so even if this fizzles, who cares?! it's hopefully going to do some good, i want to spread a hunger for God not do devil worship or anything ; ) i know this is extreme - get over it! : ) but with my mom's logical concerns i started to ponder "is this what i should be doing?" "what the heck are you doing wesley?!" "you are nuts!" i had to force these from my head as i needed to finish writing about Candide's failure as a person, ah the joys of research papers... : P

then i was back here, done with the paper, yep sorry Candide(persona) is dumb and shallow, and wanting to blog. then i was reminded you need to read the psalm for the day thanks mr. mike for that! so psalm 20 was cracked, and God once again blew my mind. i literally wept. it spoke directly to my concerns from earlier. and somehow i am shocked at this every time, man God you can really do that? the psalm for today just happened to apply in a freakishly specific way! and i wonder at this when this same Dude created all life and just happens to make the plants grow and the cosmos keep turning - ooo get this:

scientist(apart from God) are STUPID! "the wisdom of man is foolishness to God". so in astronomy i'm taking this semester we just went over "dark matter". this, boys and girls, is actually nothing. in a galaxy stars should be revolving more slowly as you approach the edge of it according to newtonian physics and his gravitational laws but for "some unexplainable reason" they are moving faster. so they say that this dark matter is their giving it more mass and thus reason to revolve faster. plus galaxies are orbiting each other too fast also so there exists dark matter between them, because we can't explain what it making them spin faster than our laws say they should spin there must be something out there. yea how bout GOD! i can just see Him now sticking His finger in a galaxy and stirring it up as astronomers are making measurements and calculations. as they scratch their heads He giggles and when they brilliantly proclaim dark matter exists he guffaws.

ANYWAY so Psalm 20 is what i needed to the "T" our God is the real mind freak! ehh i'm getting all giddy, He's so cool! echem... : )

Psalm 20

1 May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob set you {securely} on high!

2 May He send you help from the sanctuary And support you from Zion!

3 May He remember all your meal offerings And find your burnt offering acceptable! Selah. 4 May He grant you your heart's desire And fulfill all your counsel!

5 We will sing for joy over your victory, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed; He will answer him from His holy heaven With the saving strength of His right hand.

7 Some {boast} in chariots and some in horses, But we will boast in the name of the LORD, our God.

8 They have bowed down and fallen, But we have risen and stood upright.

9 Save, O LORD; May the King answer us in the day we call.

tonight...

tonight, tonight is a crossroads...

it was like any other night and nothing much has happened yet i am determined to make something of it!

first point of interest: watched 27 dresses for the first time tonight, my next favorite girlie movie. "I feel like my favorite love song was written about a sandwich." deliciousness : ) yet it was deep... to me. don't laugh. it will tie in later. no matter these lines and ideas were running around my head tonight.

tonight was a night of refreshment and introspection. i had been on a spiritual high then i have been feeling some of my fervor slip. i was devastate. i longed for His closeness again. i have been grappling helplessly to get it back. tonight i ran through some realizations that i feel could catapult me back on the road.

tonight is a night of truth and transparency! i had just watched an adorable chick flick so of course it had my lil girl heart all aflutter and i walked onto my driveway taking the recycle out (romantic i know) and stepped into that place only cool weather and the clear night sky can take me along with my foolishly female and sentimental heart. the night air was refreshing and invigorating. i looked up into the deep blackness that was filled with little pin-pricks letting the heaven's light peak through and there was the most glorious thing in the sky: the moon. it was so bright a ring of white light could be seen around it. anne's words came to mind, "look at the moon! the ancients said that if two lovers walked underneath a moon like this they would be bonded in love forever. let's just let it soak into our souls." i'm sure i butchered that but it has the essence. such a romantic line and not just "romantic" but ideal, transcendental. of course the disheartening realization struck me that there is no lover here to bond with and no idea of one anytime soon. ironically, i then noticed that tonight was a half moon. hmm... : ) the other half of the moon is out there probably... hopefully. a line from the movie came to me about jane saying, "someday, it will be my turn." she wouldn't have to help others and be happy for THEIR day but it could be her turn... someday.

i stood there in the cool night air reveling in the euphoric glow of that silvery orb, yet again i stood there in bitter sweetness. as i was called back in, not wanting to leave this beautiful melancholy, i felt the usual dissatisfaction. i was alone again but not wanting it any other way. hating my ambivalent nature yet certain in the necessity of my situation when it struck me. the melding of these two ideas must occur! jane was wishing for relying on her someday but in the meantime she was assisting in the enhancement of others joy. my half moon is here and gives me comfort but will remain a half moon until God sees fit. so why should i be complaining? silence. yes silence, there is no response!

one more time He is teaching me to recognize and follow His touch. my emotions are valid, as a dear friend says i may never get over them, but there is nothing i can do to change my situation - nothing i want to do to change it. so i wait and enjoy the ring around my partial moon and rejoice in other's full moons whatever those moons are for each one. i must persist. i want to be able to hold my head high among my fellow saints at the end of days and be able to say of myself "i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith"!

are you kidding me?

anybody who wants to live in this country should shudder at this. if you like this point of view, my opinion is: get out of America and form your own little fairy land with him where you can be "citizens of the world".

**The following is a narrative taken from Sunday Morning's televised 'Meet The Press'. and the author is employed by none other than the Washington Post!! Yeah......the Washington Post of New York and Los Angeles Times fame!! Must say that I'm dually impressed..................From Sunday's Televised 'Meet the Press' Senator Obama was askedabout his stance on the American Flag.Obama Explains National Anthem StanceSun, 07 Sept. 2008 11:48:04 EST, General Bill Ginn' USAF (ret.) asked Obamato explain why he doesn't follow protocol when the National Anthem is played.The General also stated to the Senator that according to the United States Code,Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171... During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform are expected to stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart.At the very least, 'Stand and Face It'Senator Obama Live on Sunday states,'As I've said about the flag pin, I don't want to be perceived as taking sides, Obama said. 'There are a lot of people in the world to whom the American flag is a symbol of oppression. And the anthem itself conveys a war-like message. You know, the bombs bursting in air and all. It should be swapped for something less parochial and less bellicose. I like the song 'I'd Like To Teach the World To Sing.' If that were our anthem, then I might salute it.'We should consider to reinvent our National Anthem as well as to redesign our Flag to better offer our enemies hope and love. It's my intention, if elected, to disarm America to the level of acceptance to our Middle East Brethren. If we as a Nation of warring people, should conduct ourselves as the nations of Islam, whereas peace prevails. Perhaps a state or period of mutual concord between our governments. When I become President, I will seek a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity, and a freedom from disquieting oppressive thoughts. We as a Nation have placed upon the nations of Islam an unfair injustice. My wife disrespects the Flag for many personal reasons.Together she and I have attended several flag burning ceremonies in the past, many years ago. She has her views and I have mine'. Of course now, I have found myself about to become the President of the United States and I have put aside my hatred. I will use my power to bring CHANGE to this Nation, and offer the people a new path of hope. My wife and I look forward to becoming our Country's First Family. Indeed, CHANGE is about to overwhelm the United States of America .WHAAAAAAAT in the world !!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right. This could possibly be our next President. I, for one, am speechless.Dale Lindsborg ,Washington Post**