i'd forgotten how nice it is to write... or type... technology is lame. typing sounds SO less romantic. agh! i'm pissy and blessed. i'm sane and a mess. i always seem to come off so together when i talk to people. even those closest to me. i dunno.. i get scared? i clam up? i have no stinking clue. i hurt. the end. i hurt. but i'm weird. my hurt doesn't stick long. gimme a petz on the head and i wag my tail again. i'm like a two year old. i get over stuff quickly. but i am two because AS SOON as the hurt comes back it's like it never left.
i KNOW i can do this. i have complete assurance that it will all work out. it always does. it always has. but the "dart puddle" as i called a DARK TUNNEL as a toddler seems so dart... "i can't see out of eyes" and it makes me cry "oo ah oo"? (how i said "where are you?") where are you? i've lost you... sometimes i feel so lost in my aloneness... no one, and i mean no one, is there 24/7 and 100% gets it... most i do not blame and love them to death for doing their darndest for trying to help.. and it does... you know who you are. and there are others who i feel in my flesh... should get it. ah i'm done being the one with the timely Bible verse. i'm tired of being the one with the perfect christian answer. i don't wanna have to take it anymore, to try so hard... this world blows... Daddy take me home... i'm done. my soul feels thinner than tissue paper. one touch and it would tear and bleed... but i only know how to bleed inwardly... hemorrhage.
ah... Lord, i DO NOT want to offend You... i love You more than life itself... my heart cries, "i would do ANYTHING for You!" but my logic immediately follows with "be careful what you pray for"... ive been experiencing walking a path of faith and attempting to reach total abandon and surrender... my flesh wants to take it back... yet in my heart i know this is all useful and i know my God. I KNOW Him. He is never vindictive. He is Abba, Daddy. He wouldn't hurt me, not truly. only do things that may cause some pain but that is different than hurting me. He doesn't want to... i love my God. there is not a better father, friend, lover or master. i just want the pain to stop. make it stop Daddy... please... just make it stop.