Thursday, November 15, 2012

*exhale*

perfection. it's quiet. i can be alone with my head. but not alone. he's sleeping. perfect blend. listening to my playlist "my life". it's full of angsty music... i've been so angsty. over the past week or so it's been (sometimes painfully) pointed out... i've been too angsty. i've been so selfish. not willing to go where God's put me. or where i've put myself but it's where i am so i need to let God work in me where i'm at rather than plugging my nose and pursing my lips and bloating my cheeks with air waiting til the next (what i deem) worthy stage comes my way.

God! i am so @#^$#@$% arrogant. i am so stupidly blind. i know i still will fight my sinful heart full of satan's extrement that lies to me, that i'm above this and i shouldn't have to go through this and it's all other people's fault. not mine, cuz i'm so holy and much better. yea ok! i was going to hell. i was going to hell. wesley dara (casey) wilburn, you were all set and destined for hell. but JESUS felt like being gracious to you. HE plopped a whopper of a present on your life's doorstep heavy with eternal significance. and all i did was have to cut the shipping tape. that's it. that's freaking all i did. any other GOOD thing is the result of HIS mail in my heart. HIS not mine. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH i could scream how much i hate my sinful heart that grips and slinks in my mind and lies o so well. so attractively.

i hate the way i am. i've always been this way. i don't listen til it gets ugly. mom always told me when i was little when she asked nicely to stop doing something bad i wouldn't care and not listen. she had to practically bring down fire and brimstone before i kicked my butt into high gear... i fear i still have that syndrome. the almost 24 year old version. pray for me. i do not want to always be like that. i know God's trying to do some weeding in my heart... and he's given my such a precious source for that. ah... i am a handful... a pill. the weeds are in there stinking tight! wrapped around vein and muscle. so sadly God has to watch me bleed a little as He gets them out... but it's not HIS fault. i've let them grow too wild. not tamed them... like ever. it's time to step into my big girl married real christian pants. i didnt know what big pants i was asking to step into.

so it 's been good. hard. but good. that's the way it always seems to be... i'm ready for a break. but i can't expect one unless i'm willing to be soft and go with the flow... so basically it's on me that i've not had a break yet... i know God's totally at work. agh! it's just so tiring living in the active desire to have God work on your heart... but it's worth it.

so overwhelmed by His Grace that WANTS to make me more beautiful

2 comments:

Abi said...

Wow. I am and will continue to pray for you! I love you. So very thankful for a friend passionate about honestly pursuing righteousness. He is doing beautiful things in you!
...ugg. What I say always comes out so cliche, but I mean it. (^^^)

damaris said...

oh wow. i am praying for you! it sounds intense...but take heart, the fact that you are SEEING how stubborn you are shows that He is already softening you! HIS GRACE is ALWAYS working Christ in you. keep pushing in--as painful as change and conviction is, it wil lead to a joy and freedom that is infintely sweeter than keeping our fists clenched. haha. if only i could actually practice that myself eh? i love you.