Monday, October 15, 2012

alone

i'm back i'm back. ah... life is so much better. it's good... it's ok. i feel very blessed. God is working. i am watching my husband grow into a strong man of God. not only that but he's doing it in a hell hole. so if he can progress and God reach him that fast there, i can only imagine how much quicker he'll grow away from there. it is such an amazing thing to experience being loved by a human man like Christ loves us. is this human perfect? heavens no. but as we must in our walk with the Lord, as long as we strive for the goal, that's all that matters. and he is. i am a very very blessed wife. wife... weird.

but life is... ok. it's not good. and i feel awful not being able to say it's GOOD. cuz life is soooooo much better than it's been. but the last few days it's been inescapable. life won't be good here. not again. it won't be good until i'm with him again... it feels lame to my brain that's lived 22 years single, trying to despise sappy romance, and this brain only had 3 weeks trying to get used to this married stuff before it was forced to go back to living single... but not. it sounds stupid, but i shouldn't say that... but for real, it changed... it's inexplicable. i didn't thing "i do" would DO that much. and i mean the "other" stuff couldn't make the difference cuz tons of people get into that before marriage and they still manage to break up... but life is never the same. never will be.

it feels impossible to keep myself off that slippery slope of depression. i didn't want to admit it but... i think that's what i'm slipping into. thank you Jesus i'm going to be with him in half a month. if not, i think i'd go crazy. no joke.

i feel so guilty, i feel it most at church. i don't hate God. not bitter, nothing's happened to distance me from Him. just the opposite in fact, yet, church is painful now. i can't worship like i used to. messages take more to penitrate. i feel zapped. i feel worn out. having to serve, it's super hard. i feel i have nothing positive to give right now. i feel constantly crabby, and short tempered. just... tired.

kinda shared some of that with my parents at lunch today. they're reaction was surprising to me, basically they told me without saying the actual phrase, "DUH". as my dad said, "you need your man." haha o dear old dad. but i do... life is quickly being bled dry of it's color. things i used to take comfort in, no comfort comes anymore. i need him... as stupid as my brain is telling me i am for saying that. i can't keep doing this: being apart from him. that fact that i'll be leaving familiar is nothing anymore. what used to be my passions, interests, they aren't anymore. my passions and interests are his life, where he's at, his mission field. it scares me cuz it's new and more powerful, in a bad way, than my circles ever have been, but... i don't care. i can't care. my heart strings are growing stronger and stronger to a location over a huge body of water and becoming so very weak to the places and things here in my hometown. it's a terribly bizarre feeling. terribly alone. i could be in a crowd and still feel utterly alone. always will, until he's next to me.

2 comments:

damaris said...

my heart aches for you.
but i am so glad you got this out dear. and yes, your brain is just going to have to accept it...its one of the thing solomon didn't understand "the way of a man with a maiden.".

that is making no sense but you know what i am trying to say...

Abi said...

I'm so glad you said this. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm praying for you... words that kinda just sound hollow and pathetic, but I really really do mean them!