tonight...

tonight, tonight is a crossroads...

it was like any other night and nothing much has happened yet i am determined to make something of it!

first point of interest: watched 27 dresses for the first time tonight, my next favorite girlie movie. "I feel like my favorite love song was written about a sandwich." deliciousness : ) yet it was deep... to me. don't laugh. it will tie in later. no matter these lines and ideas were running around my head tonight.

tonight was a night of refreshment and introspection. i had been on a spiritual high then i have been feeling some of my fervor slip. i was devastate. i longed for His closeness again. i have been grappling helplessly to get it back. tonight i ran through some realizations that i feel could catapult me back on the road.

tonight is a night of truth and transparency! i had just watched an adorable chick flick so of course it had my lil girl heart all aflutter and i walked onto my driveway taking the recycle out (romantic i know) and stepped into that place only cool weather and the clear night sky can take me along with my foolishly female and sentimental heart. the night air was refreshing and invigorating. i looked up into the deep blackness that was filled with little pin-pricks letting the heaven's light peak through and there was the most glorious thing in the sky: the moon. it was so bright a ring of white light could be seen around it. anne's words came to mind, "look at the moon! the ancients said that if two lovers walked underneath a moon like this they would be bonded in love forever. let's just let it soak into our souls." i'm sure i butchered that but it has the essence. such a romantic line and not just "romantic" but ideal, transcendental. of course the disheartening realization struck me that there is no lover here to bond with and no idea of one anytime soon. ironically, i then noticed that tonight was a half moon. hmm... : ) the other half of the moon is out there probably... hopefully. a line from the movie came to me about jane saying, "someday, it will be my turn." she wouldn't have to help others and be happy for THEIR day but it could be her turn... someday.

i stood there in the cool night air reveling in the euphoric glow of that silvery orb, yet again i stood there in bitter sweetness. as i was called back in, not wanting to leave this beautiful melancholy, i felt the usual dissatisfaction. i was alone again but not wanting it any other way. hating my ambivalent nature yet certain in the necessity of my situation when it struck me. the melding of these two ideas must occur! jane was wishing for relying on her someday but in the meantime she was assisting in the enhancement of others joy. my half moon is here and gives me comfort but will remain a half moon until God sees fit. so why should i be complaining? silence. yes silence, there is no response!

one more time He is teaching me to recognize and follow His touch. my emotions are valid, as a dear friend says i may never get over them, but there is nothing i can do to change my situation - nothing i want to do to change it. so i wait and enjoy the ring around my partial moon and rejoice in other's full moons whatever those moons are for each one. i must persist. i want to be able to hold my head high among my fellow saints at the end of days and be able to say of myself "i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith"!