not quite sure

Dear Void,

i come here tonight with no certain goal or message to convey, just ramble on and pour out my present state of emotions. i hate my highs and lows. i have them because i let my emotions' catalyst be other people's emotions. this never works well for me. one minute i'm the happiest person on this planet and no one can rain on my parade. in a flash someone does or says something and i'm never going to be able to face another day. ok ok not that drastic but still not fun! if i had to chose one word to describe my state of mind it would be - confusion. because i try to read other people and i can't always do it. or do it correctly.

i have always been a simple person, never had many outlandish ideas or thrilling desires. in friend circles my ideas were always boring and moms liked me because when their children (my playmates) would come up with an idea, out of my own nature, i would inform them that it was probably not the smartest or safest idea. people call me graceful, but really the only reason they think that is because i'm known for never falling or tripping. that never happens because i'm scared of hurting myself. seriously that's a fear of mine and is a check for a lot of things i do. one reason i wasn't as good as i could have been in sports or dance is because i never took risks! and i still don't in my personal life. i had quiet elementary, middle, and high school years. well they were boring really. i was never part of any extra groups or clubs; i shied away from extra social contact outside of my established friends. my parents have always had to PUSH me into new experiences. if they hadn't i would never have ridden roller coasters, gone to AFTH my long time dance studio, gone to my church's youth group and made connections there, etc.

now at this stage of my life i feel i'm still stuck in my safe zone but the question is "is it too safe?". i am not pursuing dancing because it got a little too intense for me, i'm staying with the major i flippantly picked in my junior year and don't foresee a change, i haven't taken an wild trips and don't care to, and any decisions i've made that might be deemed risky i constantly worry about. is it ok to be this way or do i need to shake things up a bit? is it normal and healthy to be this placid? i like a+b=c, it's clean, you know what's coming and can rest easy. maybe too easy... oy, i don't know. the older i get the more i don't know! isn't it supposed to be the other way around? i guess i just feel out of place. amongst a world full of bold dreamers, i am the realist. am i out of place? do i squelch dreams? or are there others like me? i would like to meet them.