"if he had been privy to my attempts, could he have seen into my heart..."

my heart is so full right now. i need to let some out...

my hands shake, i feel sick to my stomach, on the edge of blacking out. what is happening to me? more like what have i made happen? God seems so near yet a frighteningly unfamiliar face. a million thoughts and ideas are tearing through my head that it makes the room spin:

"i have no talent for certainty"

"here i stand empty hands/
wishing my wrists were bleeding to stop the pain from each beating/
there you are holding me waiting for me to notice you/
but who are you?/
You are the Truth/
outscreaming these lies/
You are the truth/
saving my life"

i stop and let it soak in... my head reels and more comes:

just replace boy with girl and that about does it
"Well, she was precious like a flower/
She grew wild, wild but innocent/
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour/
She was everything beautiful and different/
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in/
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind/
She let her heart and soul right in your hands/
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans"

"I used to carry the weight of the world/
And now all i wanna do is spread my wings and fly"

"Sorrow lasts through this night/
I'll take this piece of you/
And hold for all eternity/
For just one second I felt whole/
As you flew right through me/
Left alone with only reflections of the memory/
To face the ugly girl/
That's smothering me/
Sitting closer than my pain/
He knew each tear before it came/

Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by"

"the truth is... i'm heart broken. i feel as though a part of me has died... and nothing will ever make it right"

my mother's childhood lessons comes back to haunt me: no one sins in a vacuum and no man is an island. of course we've all heard "there is a God shaped whole in all our hearts". now i feel like there is a whole and it's harder than one thinks to LET God fill it. "let" is the point. i have to let go - another line comes to mind - "let me let you go". ugh i feel like my heart and brain have run a marathon. my body feels like it's seen a ghost. haunting... hmm. haunted, yes! that's how i feel, haunted.

in the words of aunt polly"O my God, what have i done?"

i feel like a child again. lost. small. helpless. i feel like a horse. skittish. spooked. with no reasoning powers. reason has left me. abondoned me. and that is big because i have always heavily relied on my reasoning and analytical brain. just friday night someone said, "stop analyzing the situation!" i realized i was analyzing the simplest actions of someone that meant nothing. now i am left alone. i can't do it now. was that God's plan all along? to strip me of what i held most dear. i believe i use reason as a crutch to not have to think about my emotion or to think my way out of feeling anything. i don't like feeling. period. i had quite a bit as a child and decided that it wasn't going to be part of my life there on out. but now i feel crippled by this. have i damaged things in my and others lives beyond repair from this? hurting myself i can manage. i'll reason my way out of feeling, right? but hurting someone else is unacceptable. thinking of myself is pretty foreign to me. not that i am some selfless martyr. HAHA! i am foremost in selfishness. but when it comes to someone else's state of well-being, i don't know. i guess i feel i can suck it up and don't want someone else to ever have to go through what i have experienced. my mom calls me elinor from sense and sensibility. i wish i could be completely like her. forebear anything. be the strong one that everyone turns to and somehow handle my own hurt and overwhelming feelings.

finally for tonight, one last line...
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."