I DONT CARE

i do not care. i'm not going to try and sound cute or artsy... just write! type rather and spill my guts - within reason.

i'm so mad i feel sick. but then why i am mad makes me mad at myself because i shouldn't be mad. it's not my problem! but my emotions won't listen. and i feel like saying so much but can't. i stepped out and got bitten. i took a fall and my wounds scream JUSTICE! but my spirit whispers "peace" be still. God is painfully teaching me to lay down my self. the self that is carnal earthly ugly and let His beautiful self take over. i am so tired of this fight and had a breakdown last night but tonight God has given me a second wind and i pray (you can too) that i will have... correction... i will rely on God for the strength to continue in what God has taught me at great price. my flesh is a powerful and threatening enemy. it knows me too well. it knows exactly where my soft spots are that satan can poke and i cry uncle far too quickly. God has been showing me that i need to seal up those gaps but it's hard work.
i just... i... i am battle weary and feel the campaign isn't over. i need, well i need God. Jesus will go to bat for me when it's time and He'll restrain me when there is no issue to be brought to light. i need His peace, His wisdom, His guidance, His healing, His love... His love. O God i have been so unfaithful! it brings me to tears to think of how my heart has wandered far from my first love. i need to remember, return, and do the things i did at first. Forgive me Father for my lack of trust in You and being such a promiscuous lover. How it must hurt God when i get tied up in stress and focus on other things and people. Here He is telling me "I've got your path completely planned and winnowed. You can handle everything before you. I want to take you on this path. Won't it be fun? Just the two of Us! I love you! Look at me, beautiful. No! Don't look at other lovers. No one will ever be able to do as much for you and love you like I can. Please don't worry about the future. Please don't. Trust me. I will not let you down. And I know exactly what you need and will give you the desires of your heart according to My perfect will." And i turned a deaf ear to that. I walked away from that face. How could i? How dare i? You still want me though don't You? Why?...
but i know and must trust that this is the case. i love You for it. i must lay down my present in Your hands that i'm still trying to grip and leave my future to You. i can't let this bother me now. my only focus is on the heavenly things and to run fast and furious head on into God. i'm limping now but i know You can heal that while i'm running and don't worry God i'll be back to full speed soon. i'll make You proud of Your daughter!